being short with anyone, refusing to talk on the phone, not being around as usual etc.
Things are starting to hit me pretty hard.
I'm finding myself getting really depressed about the whole upcoming surgery, and the gravity of the situation.
Never turning your head left or right again, think about that for a minute.
Like position your head dead center and do not turn it for as long as you can, be that 1 minute or 10, and then think about never ever being able to turn it again.
I know the alternative is sudden death at some unknown time in the very near future, and I know that I don't have a choice, but try to picture never turning your head again.
Never being able to just casually glance over and watch your kids doing something, never being able to turn your head because the love of your life called your name, always facing forward.
Facing forward doesn't mean you're going forward, it just means that is all you can see unless you turn completely around.
I exploded today, I cried today, I'm exhausted today.
I have 18 days until my life changes again and I'm honestly not ready.
I fear for my own future.
Yes, I have my kids, but I won't always have them to live with me, there will come a day when they are grown and gone and I'm alone and stuck in the forward facing position and have no way of changing that.
I hate my life today, I hate my body today, I hate myself today.
I apologize if I was rude or short with you, or you're waiting on an email or a return phone call, or for me to do whatever it is I normally do for you everyday.
I'm having a day here where I just want to quit, give up, just stop the fucking bus I want to get off.
I'm sick and tired of pity and stares, and prayers, and oh you're so strong comments.
I'm not.
I'm not what any of you think of me.
I'm a completely scared, tired, terrified woman facing another major surgery and I don't want to.
I am so fucking exhausted.
I'm just not ready.
====================
Things are starting to hit me pretty hard.
I'm finding myself getting really depressed about the whole upcoming surgery, and the gravity of the situation.
Never turning your head left or right again, think about that for a minute.
Like position your head dead center and do not turn it for as long as you can, be that 1 minute or 10, and then think about never ever being able to turn it again.
I know the alternative is sudden death at some unknown time in the very near future, and I know that I don't have a choice, but try to picture never turning your head again.
Never being able to just casually glance over and watch your kids doing something, never being able to turn your head because the love of your life called your name, always facing forward.
Facing forward doesn't mean you're going forward, it just means that is all you can see unless you turn completely around.
I exploded today, I cried today, I'm exhausted today.
I have 18 days until my life changes again and I'm honestly not ready.
I fear for my own future.
Yes, I have my kids, but I won't always have them to live with me, there will come a day when they are grown and gone and I'm alone and stuck in the forward facing position and have no way of changing that.
I hate my life today, I hate my body today, I hate myself today.
I apologize if I was rude or short with you, or you're waiting on an email or a return phone call, or for me to do whatever it is I normally do for you everyday.
I'm having a day here where I just want to quit, give up, just stop the fucking bus I want to get off.
I'm sick and tired of pity and stares, and prayers, and oh you're so strong comments.
I'm not.
I'm not what any of you think of me.
I'm a completely scared, tired, terrified woman facing another major surgery and I don't want to.
I am so fucking exhausted.
I'm just not ready.
You know Kat, when you first posted about the surgery and the outcome versus the consequences. I actually thought about the whole idea of not being able to turn your head ever again. I can't blame you for feeling the way you do, its something that until your faced with no one has no clue on how your feeling.
When I had my two hand surgeries last year, one of the risks were losing control of your hands and not being able to use them whatsoever. The weeks before, I thought to myself ...just deal with the pain. But then the pain would start in, I would drop pens, forks, spoons and the doctor told me, surgery was required to keep my hands from becoming shriveled up. I lost my temper with people around me, some people hated me. But they didn't know. And until the day that one is faced with losing either your life, loss of limbs or having corrective surgery to help save life or limb. Sometimes words don't mean anything to us, and we definitely want to get off this stupid bus because frankly..the driver is driving like shit.
I know there is nothing I can do or say, so I just want to share hugs with ya.
Aw. I have had the surgery, and I promise you get used to it.
As an added bonus, i now have incredible periphreal vision.
This is the time when you can and need to concentrate on yourself and your sons. You cannot be there for everyone all the time, and I believe you shouldn't have to apologize for that. Most people will understand that and those who don't... well, it's their loss. *HUGS*
It is okay to WANT to get off the bus. Stay on for the kids because they are on the bus with you. Take it from someone that has a mother that has chronic pain plus other health problems. On top of her nerve damage, she got Hep C in Mexico from infected water (she had a cut on her foot and a weakened immune system washed her feet in what turned out to be sewer water). She went through the chemo for it and is in remission. I moved back home for a year to be there for her through that. Your kids will always be there for you because you are a good mother. I remember when she wanted to get off the bus. I made her promise me not to because I didn't have my father in my life and she is all I had. She told me that I saved her life. Sometimes kids don't understand the magnitude of a situation....they may not be the most compassionate, but when they get older, they will be your biggest advocates and fans. It is okay to be scared, it is okay to break down and let it out. It is okay NOT to be superwoman. It is okay to take a day for yourself and crumble, then rebuild, because a rebuilding makes you stronger. I don't know you personally but from what I have read you are a strong woman. Your strength and the love you have in your life will get you through.
Now that you are dealing with the anger of it all, you can move forward! You know I am here even if you just need to rant and spew or a shoulder to cry and snot on:)
(((HUGS)))