Wake up you maggot!

Tomorrow, er, today, I have my pre-surgery consult with Doctor M.
He's going to tell me exactly what he and his team will do during the surgery, how long I'll be asleep, breathing tube, ICU, how many days to expect, (I'm holding him to 4!) what kind of pain to expect, what they'll have me do upon waking, physical therapy, etc, all of the nitty gritty details.

I have my own questions too.
Can I bring and wear my own clothes on like day 2 or something, will I be able to put my contacts back in, (I don't have a pair of glasses to wear) is this going to cause me to start a surprise menstrual cycle like the last surgery did, and if so, can I bring my own gear this time, or are they just going to make me lay there on a "pee pad" like last time.

Will they be shaving off any of my hair from the back of my head?
I know they are going to have to shave a portion of my neck, I have really long hair, I know it comes down far on my neck, so when they shave that, will they have to go any higher?
And if so, please don't fuck it up and make it incredibly noticeable to people.
My hair has been falling out anyway, but I really don't want to lose a lot if they can help it any.

I don't know if I posted about my hair situation or not, but this whole neck thing has been the cause of a lot of my health problems over the last year, year and a half.
With the spinal cord being pinched off, it can't send the right messages from my brain to all of my organs.
The messages are being pinched off, not sent, or sent incorrectly to all of my organs.
All of my stomach and digestive issues, being sick for no real reason, (I don't really go anywhere to catch any germs or viruses) my skin smelling really, horribly bad after eating certain foods, stomach pain, cramps, constipation, or the complete opposite, having days where regardless how many showers I took, how much deodorant I put on, I would have body odor, and my hair falling out.

Everyone loses hair on a daily basis, but this isn't normal hair loss, this is clumps of hair coming out in the shower, coming out when I brush it, coming out when the wind blows.
I don't have any noticeable bald spots, yet, but it's definitely thinned out.
It's nowhere near as thick as it once was, and it's not due to getting old, this is directly related to my neck stuff.
It's been rather sucky.

Sebastian broke down last night.
He just exploded in this 15 year old ball of fear, worry, and anger over this whole thing, crying, screaming, hugging me so tightly I thought he'd break my ribs.
He said if doc screws up and I die, he's going to beat him up really bad right there in the hallway at the hospital.
Mark said Sebastian won't get the chance, because he'll kill him.
To say the teens are starting to panic and be really afraid now, is an understatement.
They keep saying little things, '1 week from today' or 'I hope this week goes by really slow, it may be the last week I ever see you', or 'on Saturday or Sunday night, I'm sleeping with you, I want to be near you as much as possible.'
They even came out tonight and watched the season premiere of Gossip Girl, a show they hate, just to "hang out" with me.

I keep trying to reassure them that it's all going to be ok, that I WILL be coming home, that I'm going to be fine, and Sebastian wanted me to promise him that, but I can't.
I can't make that kind of promise because I really don't know.
I just kept telling him that I will be coming home, that it will be ok, without saying the word promise.

I have so much to do this week, work, the house, helping them with school, still trying to keep this house running as normally as possible, but honestly, I can't focus on any of it for long.
I want to though, I have things that I need to get done, but my mind starts wandering, racing, then my heart starts racing and pounding, and then I get a massive migraine and have to go lay down.
I went to bed shortly after the boys did tonight, they went at 11:30, I went at 11:45, and I laid there checking to make sure their alarm would go off, that mine would go off again at 8am so I can get up and try and do some work before I have to leave at noon-ish, but I started panicking about it all, so I got up and set Snoozester to call me at 8am just in case my cell alarm doesn't go off.
And now here I am, sitting here blogging, awake again, just thinking about it all.

I know things will be ok, but now with such short time left to go, I just want to go do it, get it over with, enough of the testing and appointments, and talks, let's just do it!
I just want it done so I can come back home like I said, that's all I want.