I went for a little walk just a bit ago, got out into the sunshine and nice weather, gotta get that vitamin D and all ya know.
Anyway, it's a total pain in the ass walking with the neck brace on and my head placed the way it is, my line of sight is downward, not straight ahead, so it's a rather difficult chore to just go for a walk.
And that's when I realized that it also hurts to walk like that.
The pain is right below my shoulders, like the bra strap line, and goes down the whole length of my spine to my tail bone.
I barely made it home without wincing and bending over from it all.
On December 10th, I go see my surgeon and I'll get to tell him about all of the various problems that I've been dealing with since the surgery.
The pain, the head placement issues, the inability to open my mouth and eat anything that isn't a liquid or flattened as thin as paper, that I can't even drink out of a cup, I have to use a straw every single time, the vomit/choking issues, etc etc.
What pisses me off and makes me greatful at the exact same time, is that this surgery saved my life, yet it has seriously reduced my quality of life.
My vertebrae were closing in on my spinal cord, crushing it, it was killing me slowly and eventually it would have closed off completely, stopping my breathing and my heart.
I know that they did the best they could in there, I know there were complications during the surgery, I know that I'm lucky to be alive and all of that, but I really hate how my life is right now.
It's a major struggle for me to do almost everything, and I hate it.
I tried to reach on top of my medicine cabinet to get my electric toothbrush, and I couldn't even look up to see it. When I went to put it back, it was a struggle to try and find the base to put it on without being able to see it.
I can't lift my damn head up, I can't see up to do things.
I can't lift anything over 5 pounds, I struggle to cook meals because I can't turn around to do stuff, can't bend over to get a pot or pan, can't get things out of the cupboard because I can't see what I am trying to reach.
I know, I'm lucky to be alive, I'm greatful, but I fucking hate this.
I want my surgeon to pick a date for the revision surgery and let's just do it, let's just get it over with.
I personally think that it's the rods causing me to not be able to raise my head up, I think they are too long, so when I try to raise my head up, the back of my head gets stopped by the rods.
I also think the top screws are bent the wrong way, if you look at the xray, you'll see the top screws bent upward, and the rods themselves are like right freaking there, so I can't raise my head up.
I want him to fix it, to cut the rods down shorter, remove those top screws, they won't be needed anyway if the rods are shorter, or just do whatever the hell he has to do to allow me to raise my damn head up.
I am so unhappy right now, I hate being unhappy, I hate feeling this way, but every single day I find some new thing that I could do that I can no longer do, and it bothers me so so much.
When standing up, I can't even look into the faces of my sons when they go to hug me, I can't see their faces!
I hate it all so much, everything I can't do, I hate that I'm sad all of the time, I hate that I'm so unhappy, and I hate that I can't even look into the faces of my sons.
I need him to decide what he's going to do and when we are going to do it.
If I have that info, I'll make it through however long until we actually do it, but not knowing when or what's going to be done is just making me more and more unhappy as each day passes.
====================
Anyway, it's a total pain in the ass walking with the neck brace on and my head placed the way it is, my line of sight is downward, not straight ahead, so it's a rather difficult chore to just go for a walk.
And that's when I realized that it also hurts to walk like that.
The pain is right below my shoulders, like the bra strap line, and goes down the whole length of my spine to my tail bone.
I barely made it home without wincing and bending over from it all.
On December 10th, I go see my surgeon and I'll get to tell him about all of the various problems that I've been dealing with since the surgery.
The pain, the head placement issues, the inability to open my mouth and eat anything that isn't a liquid or flattened as thin as paper, that I can't even drink out of a cup, I have to use a straw every single time, the vomit/choking issues, etc etc.
What pisses me off and makes me greatful at the exact same time, is that this surgery saved my life, yet it has seriously reduced my quality of life.
My vertebrae were closing in on my spinal cord, crushing it, it was killing me slowly and eventually it would have closed off completely, stopping my breathing and my heart.
I know that they did the best they could in there, I know there were complications during the surgery, I know that I'm lucky to be alive and all of that, but I really hate how my life is right now.
It's a major struggle for me to do almost everything, and I hate it.
I tried to reach on top of my medicine cabinet to get my electric toothbrush, and I couldn't even look up to see it. When I went to put it back, it was a struggle to try and find the base to put it on without being able to see it.
I can't lift my damn head up, I can't see up to do things.
I can't lift anything over 5 pounds, I struggle to cook meals because I can't turn around to do stuff, can't bend over to get a pot or pan, can't get things out of the cupboard because I can't see what I am trying to reach.
I know, I'm lucky to be alive, I'm greatful, but I fucking hate this.
I want my surgeon to pick a date for the revision surgery and let's just do it, let's just get it over with.
I personally think that it's the rods causing me to not be able to raise my head up, I think they are too long, so when I try to raise my head up, the back of my head gets stopped by the rods.
I also think the top screws are bent the wrong way, if you look at the xray, you'll see the top screws bent upward, and the rods themselves are like right freaking there, so I can't raise my head up.
I want him to fix it, to cut the rods down shorter, remove those top screws, they won't be needed anyway if the rods are shorter, or just do whatever the hell he has to do to allow me to raise my damn head up.
I am so unhappy right now, I hate being unhappy, I hate feeling this way, but every single day I find some new thing that I could do that I can no longer do, and it bothers me so so much.
When standing up, I can't even look into the faces of my sons when they go to hug me, I can't see their faces!
I hate it all so much, everything I can't do, I hate that I'm sad all of the time, I hate that I'm so unhappy, and I hate that I can't even look into the faces of my sons.
I need him to decide what he's going to do and when we are going to do it.
If I have that info, I'll make it through however long until we actually do it, but not knowing when or what's going to be done is just making me more and more unhappy as each day passes.
I really hope they are able to do something for you. It's just not right that you are suffering so much. I wish there was something I could do to help you!
How you manage to endure all of that and still be positive, outgoing, and helpful, I'll never know. You are inspirational, whether you are happy or not, and hopefully that will help you find some more strength to persevere. Keep on plugging, tiger!!