I'm officially in a depressing state of funk.
Is it a funk, or is it depression?
I think it's both really.
I have no motivation to do much of anything, my thoughts are all over the place, and I'm battling another horrible round of insomnia too.
I'm awake all night long, right up until I have to wake the teens for school, then I'm sleeping for 3, maybe 4 hours, and then still not doing anything, not doing what I need to be doing.
I have work to do but I can't seem to make myself do it.
When I finally do force myself to do it, it's not good, not good at all.
I needed to get a video done for my product review of that new grill I got, and it was already late due to the septic flooding issue we had here, and then I forced myself through the pain to make the video, I did do it, and then I played it back on my pc, and I was absolutely mortified by how I sounded in it.
My speech was slurred like I was drunk, but I wasn't drunk, I haven't had a drink in months, so it has to be the pain meds and muscle relaxers I'm taking.
It was bad, really bad, and that made me feel even worse than I was feeling before.
I deleted it and bought the ingredients to do it again, but because of how I'm feeling, the pain, the depression, I haven't done it again yet.
I AM going to do it tomorrow.
I WILL do it tomorrow.
I have to because I made a promise, and I always keep my word, I just need to not take any of my meds before doing it this time because I don't want to sound like a drunken idiot again.
I also need to get these sporadic migraines under control too.
It seems that every other day now, I'm getting a migraine that knocks me out of commission for a few hours. I have to go lay down in my pitch black room and just wait it out.
I curl up as much as my stupid body will curl up, and clutch my blanket until it passes.
I'm really trying to move out of this funk, to get past this depression over how my body is, how little I'm capable of doing anymore, but when I try to talk myself into feeling better, it doesn't work.
There's so much I can't do anymore, it bothers me so much, I have to walk with a cane now because my head is looking down and I end up losing my balance because I can't properly see in front of me.
I hate this.
I hate how this is, and I hate that I have to have another surgery again, and I hate being miserable inside.
I fake it every single day, I put on a big fake smile for my sons, I put it on for friends and family, it's a big fake smile because everyone else thinks I'm doing just great, that I'm recovering just fine, and physically, yeah, I suppose I am recovering just fine, but mentally?
Fuck no, no, I'm not.
I'm not happy.
I'm not ok with all of this, I'm not ok with the amount of medications, I'm not ok with the pain without taking them, I'm not ok with my body the way it is, and yes, I know, there are people who have it so much worse, I should stop feeling sorry myself, but dammit, none of this is ok.
I'm told it will all be ok, but when?
When is it going to be better, because it's been years now since I've even felt halfway human.
And how am I supposed to feel human with all this hardware inside me?
I know how my body moves, or how little it moves I should say, and it's not human type movements, it's stiff and sore, planned, careful movements so I don't get hurt, so I don't hurt myself.
People look at me like I'm some sort of freak, they stare at me when I go to the store, and I'm so tired of being stared at because of this damn body.
Before the first spine fusion, they stared at me because of the huge hump on my back, then they stared at me because of the huge back brace, now they stare at me because of the neck brace and the cane, and the way my head looks down.
I'm tired of people asking me what happened too.
They always think it was some sort of accident, and I'm tired of saying no, I had scoliosis, and they don't know what that is so I have to explain, and they still don't get it.
It all makes me want to just stay in the house and not go out anywhere again unless I absoluely have to, and until the next surgery to fix my head is done and I'm fully recovered.
I'm tired, just so tired of it all.
====================
Is it a funk, or is it depression?
I think it's both really.
I have no motivation to do much of anything, my thoughts are all over the place, and I'm battling another horrible round of insomnia too.
I'm awake all night long, right up until I have to wake the teens for school, then I'm sleeping for 3, maybe 4 hours, and then still not doing anything, not doing what I need to be doing.
I have work to do but I can't seem to make myself do it.
When I finally do force myself to do it, it's not good, not good at all.
I needed to get a video done for my product review of that new grill I got, and it was already late due to the septic flooding issue we had here, and then I forced myself through the pain to make the video, I did do it, and then I played it back on my pc, and I was absolutely mortified by how I sounded in it.
My speech was slurred like I was drunk, but I wasn't drunk, I haven't had a drink in months, so it has to be the pain meds and muscle relaxers I'm taking.
It was bad, really bad, and that made me feel even worse than I was feeling before.
I deleted it and bought the ingredients to do it again, but because of how I'm feeling, the pain, the depression, I haven't done it again yet.
I AM going to do it tomorrow.
I WILL do it tomorrow.
I have to because I made a promise, and I always keep my word, I just need to not take any of my meds before doing it this time because I don't want to sound like a drunken idiot again.
I also need to get these sporadic migraines under control too.
It seems that every other day now, I'm getting a migraine that knocks me out of commission for a few hours. I have to go lay down in my pitch black room and just wait it out.
I curl up as much as my stupid body will curl up, and clutch my blanket until it passes.
I'm really trying to move out of this funk, to get past this depression over how my body is, how little I'm capable of doing anymore, but when I try to talk myself into feeling better, it doesn't work.
There's so much I can't do anymore, it bothers me so much, I have to walk with a cane now because my head is looking down and I end up losing my balance because I can't properly see in front of me.
I hate this.
I hate how this is, and I hate that I have to have another surgery again, and I hate being miserable inside.
I fake it every single day, I put on a big fake smile for my sons, I put it on for friends and family, it's a big fake smile because everyone else thinks I'm doing just great, that I'm recovering just fine, and physically, yeah, I suppose I am recovering just fine, but mentally?
Fuck no, no, I'm not.
I'm not happy.
I'm not ok with all of this, I'm not ok with the amount of medications, I'm not ok with the pain without taking them, I'm not ok with my body the way it is, and yes, I know, there are people who have it so much worse, I should stop feeling sorry myself, but dammit, none of this is ok.
I'm told it will all be ok, but when?
When is it going to be better, because it's been years now since I've even felt halfway human.
And how am I supposed to feel human with all this hardware inside me?
I know how my body moves, or how little it moves I should say, and it's not human type movements, it's stiff and sore, planned, careful movements so I don't get hurt, so I don't hurt myself.
People look at me like I'm some sort of freak, they stare at me when I go to the store, and I'm so tired of being stared at because of this damn body.
Before the first spine fusion, they stared at me because of the huge hump on my back, then they stared at me because of the huge back brace, now they stare at me because of the neck brace and the cane, and the way my head looks down.
I'm tired of people asking me what happened too.
They always think it was some sort of accident, and I'm tired of saying no, I had scoliosis, and they don't know what that is so I have to explain, and they still don't get it.
It all makes me want to just stay in the house and not go out anywhere again unless I absoluely have to, and until the next surgery to fix my head is done and I'm fully recovered.
I'm tired, just so tired of it all.
Kat-- I'm so sorry that you're in this funk! I wish that I had more to say then what I'm about to but I don't! I really think you should talk to a therapist about how you are feeling, although I'm sure the thoughts you have are completely normal after what you have gone through I bet speaking to someone about it would help a little..someone who doesn't know you etc that you can just vent your heart out too! I hope you get to feeling better soon either way, and you are way stronger than I would be at this point! Don't give up just yet!
I am so sorry you're still having such a hard time of it. I wish there was something that could be done, that would work for you. Hopefully this next surgery will be the last. It's so easy to fall into a depressed state when you have overwhelming health issues like that...I get depressed after just a few days of being sick. Hope you feel better soon. *hugs*
You are not alone in feeling depressed but believe you are doing great!!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL TO US WE LOVE YOU
I am really sorry that you have to experience such pain and unhappiness. I don't think anything I can say will make you feel better. Feelings of depression are natural. I know this will be better said than done but just be thankful you are here for your kids. It seems you have wonderful people around you to help and great kids that help out as well, let them help you. I wish I lived near you because I am home all day and I would come help out too. Relax when you don't feel good, don't push yourself. So your dishes don't get done or the table of death is still dirty...those things aren't important. I am sure your kids understand and will help out where they can. You deserve all the happiness in the world. If ever you need to vent or whatever you have my email. I really do wish I lived closer.
We could all tell you how wonderful you are doing and what a brave person you are. But, I know they would fall on deaf ears. It matters most what you think about yourself. You need to start looking for the positive in all this.
1. You are alive
2. Your body is better off than it has been; including all the aches and pains you endure.
3. You just may have a greater purpose for going through what you have. There are some out there that read you that you may not know but take great encouragement from you and your experiences.
Now it's up to you to start turning the "negative" into something positive.
Think back to how you felt when you had your back surgery... didn't it go something like you are dealing with now? Look how far you have come.
Kat, I'm sorry life sucks right now. It will get better. I *know* that you know this but it bears repeating. I have been planning for my next surgery as well. on February 5 (my 15th wedding anniversary)I will go back in to have my flatback corrected. I'm not happy about it, but we do what we need to do and in your case, you don't really have much choice in the matter. Please know that I think of you and the boys often. Hang in there. There is light around the corner.
Dear Kat,
Oh hun, my heart is with you. I clearly remember after my 2nd surgery, the fusion and rib head removal with other fun things, and my unstable walking, my feeling of inadequacy, and the damn depression. I know it gets better. The immediate time that you are in now is really rough, there are no rosey ways to put it!
Give yourself time, and things will be easier, the stares may stay, your depression will rear it's ugly head, and I am NOT trying to be a downer here hun, I am just being REAL, being ME.
The months after a huge surgery like yours calls for patience more than anything. And a sense of humor. I know you have both. I know you will be feeling better. Give yourself a break, and take time for YOU. My love goes out your way.
From your fellow friend in pain,
With Gentle Hugs,
Shauna