I hope that when I go back to see my surgeon on the 25th of March, that he's picked a date for the revision surgery, and that it's as soon as possible.
I know I've been complaining a lot lately, posting about all of the things that are going on with me, my health, the pain I'm always in, the stress of all of my health problems, and the things that people have said about me.
I know it's all too much, I'm sure that people are sick of reading about it all, I'm sick of posting about it all, I'm sick of thinking about it all, sick of dealing with all.
That's my biggest problem, having to think and deal with it all.
I can't do it anymore, I'm about ready to explode.
I just want to scream, I want to rage and lash out at everyone, I'm so so sick of all of it.
I've lost my faith and trust in people, even people I've known for a long time.
I'm feeling anxious and stressed out, almost becoming paranoid, I don't know who to trust anymore.
I feel like I'm just steps away from a complete mental breakdown.
I'm not sleeping, I'm barely eating, and when I do eat, it's just small bits of junk food, sugary things, I'm comfort eating and I hate doing that because it's so bad for me and my health, but I don't really know how to cope with all of it anymore.
I have so much going on, so many things to think about, worry about, make decisions that will affect my son's lives again in a big way, and I don't think I can do that to them again.
I don't want to put them through it again, but I can't live like this anymore.
I'm not ok, I'm just not ok.
And I feel like I can't talk to the usual "friends" I would normally talk to because I don't feel like I can trust them anymore.
I'm falling apart and have no one I can talk to, I don't trust anyone anymore and I hate that!
I just want to go away, just get away, all by myself, or just take a wicked long break, but I can't.
I can't afford to take a break, I have to stay and keep working, and working, and dealing with all of it all of the time.
I have bills to pay, doctors to pay for, tests and medicine.
I work just to pay for doctors and medicine, just so I can get by, so I can try and get better, but every minute of every day that I'm sitting here working and having to deal with everything and everyone, I hate it more and more, and I am starting to feel hatred welling up inside of me.
Hate for everything and everyone.
I'm falling apart and I can't stop it from happening.
I've tried, I'm still trying, but 1 minute I'm sitting here getting angry, and the next minute I'm bawling my eyes out over it all, because I can't trust anyone, can't talk to anyone, and I can't stop it, I have to just keep going, just keep doing what I have to do to take care of my sons and work so I can pay bills and doctors.
I'm so tired of everything and everyone, and I can't stop, I can't take a break, I can't not keep going no matter how badly I want to, and the anger, hate, fear, worry, stress and tears, just keep piling up inside of me and there's nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do about any of it but hope that this all passes, hope that somehow I get through it all.
I hate you, I really truly hate you, and I hate that I hate you, and I hate feeling like this.
It's so ugly, it's ugly and nasty, and I don't like myself for feeling like this at all.
====================
I know I've been complaining a lot lately, posting about all of the things that are going on with me, my health, the pain I'm always in, the stress of all of my health problems, and the things that people have said about me.
I know it's all too much, I'm sure that people are sick of reading about it all, I'm sick of posting about it all, I'm sick of thinking about it all, sick of dealing with all.
That's my biggest problem, having to think and deal with it all.
I can't do it anymore, I'm about ready to explode.
I just want to scream, I want to rage and lash out at everyone, I'm so so sick of all of it.
I've lost my faith and trust in people, even people I've known for a long time.
I'm feeling anxious and stressed out, almost becoming paranoid, I don't know who to trust anymore.
I feel like I'm just steps away from a complete mental breakdown.
I'm not sleeping, I'm barely eating, and when I do eat, it's just small bits of junk food, sugary things, I'm comfort eating and I hate doing that because it's so bad for me and my health, but I don't really know how to cope with all of it anymore.
I have so much going on, so many things to think about, worry about, make decisions that will affect my son's lives again in a big way, and I don't think I can do that to them again.
I don't want to put them through it again, but I can't live like this anymore.
I'm not ok, I'm just not ok.
And I feel like I can't talk to the usual "friends" I would normally talk to because I don't feel like I can trust them anymore.
I'm falling apart and have no one I can talk to, I don't trust anyone anymore and I hate that!
I just want to go away, just get away, all by myself, or just take a wicked long break, but I can't.
I can't afford to take a break, I have to stay and keep working, and working, and dealing with all of it all of the time.
I have bills to pay, doctors to pay for, tests and medicine.
I work just to pay for doctors and medicine, just so I can get by, so I can try and get better, but every minute of every day that I'm sitting here working and having to deal with everything and everyone, I hate it more and more, and I am starting to feel hatred welling up inside of me.
Hate for everything and everyone.
I'm falling apart and I can't stop it from happening.
I've tried, I'm still trying, but 1 minute I'm sitting here getting angry, and the next minute I'm bawling my eyes out over it all, because I can't trust anyone, can't talk to anyone, and I can't stop it, I have to just keep going, just keep doing what I have to do to take care of my sons and work so I can pay bills and doctors.
I'm so tired of everything and everyone, and I can't stop, I can't take a break, I can't not keep going no matter how badly I want to, and the anger, hate, fear, worry, stress and tears, just keep piling up inside of me and there's nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do about any of it but hope that this all passes, hope that somehow I get through it all.
I hate you, I really truly hate you, and I hate that I hate you, and I hate feeling like this.
It's so ugly, it's ugly and nasty, and I don't like myself for feeling like this at all.
Hello, I am delurking to say I wish I could hug you and make it all better. I know you don't know me but I know that chronic pain can make you into a crazy person. Making sure that the bills get paid, the dishes get washed, the laundry gets done, all of these things are part of what can make a strong person cry her eyes out because the simplest things can become so hard to handle when you can't stand or sit right.
I wish and pray for peace and health for you and your family. From your writing I know you are a strong person. You will figure this out. You will stand as tall as you can and be a role model for your sons.
Be good and I hope things get better.
I'm so sorry that things are so dark for you right now... I know it cant be easy when you loose your faith in people... As I get older the more closed off I become cause I dont trust people and I used to be trusting...I wish I was closer and could be there for you even though we only know one another thru blogs... You are a good person and dont let a few jack asses get to you...I know easier said than done... Makes me want to smack the people that are hurting you... I dont understand how people can be that way, hurt people and be cruel... I hope karma comes and kicks the crap out of the people hurting you...
HUGS
I'm so sorry, Kat. I wish things would start to get better for you, you've been through so much. *HUGS*
Kat, I'm so sorry things are going so badly for you. I just wish I could help you in some way. Just know that it's okay to feel this way. It's not your fault.
You have more to handle than anyone should. It's not fair....
I hate that you feel this way but I can understand why. No one should ever make another human being feel this way. I do hope that one day you can find it in your heart to trust again. I'm sending a hug and a warm smile :)
I really feel bad that you have been feeling this way and I had no idea. I understand the trust issue.... I Really do... it seems nowadays it is so much harder to trust anyone... but sometimes we just need to open up so we do not implode from all the pressure and stress. Keep that in mind! By the way I am feeling so much better now that you can pick up the phone ANYTIME and just rant, bitch and scream! FYI