Apricot trees.
Heh.
I made a rhyme.
I thought I was back on the mend yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, my hip and knees were still killing me, I had a migraine to boot, my brain was like in "off" mode too.
I couldn't think a good decent thought for more than 2 minutes, so I spent the day watching stupid stuff on tv, reading Twitter, and just generally annoyed with myself.
I have work to do, I'm letting people down.
I'm letting myself down, and that annoys the crap outta me.
I hate when I get like this, when I can't focus, when I can't think, when I can't do what I am supposed to do.
I'm already in a funk, and then not doing everything that I need to do, puts me in a deeper funk, I start dwelling on it, and then that's all I can think about when I am thinking about any 1 subject for more than 2 minutes.
Like right now.
I've had all day to do work, I've had all day to reply to emails, but no, I couldn't do any of it, so now I'm sitting here just aggravated with myself and hungry.
I just want to eat and eat and eat, and nothing is satisfying me at all.
Why?
Because emotionally I'm not satisfied.
I know this about myself.
I know that when I am an emotional mess, I want to over eat, I want to eat sweets like cake, ice cream, cookies, but once I have it, it doesn't taste right, and I try finding something else to fill the void.
But it's a void that cannot be filled.
My brain is a total mess lately, and I know what's causing it.
I know that the things my surgeon said to me on the last visit have entered my head and never left it.
Halo brace, 3-4 months.
Possible paralysis.
Possible trach tube for 3-4 months.
Not eating, not breathing through nose or mouth, no speaking.
No speaking.
It is weighing so heavily on my mind, no speaking at all, no speaking to my sons for several months.
That thought consumes me day and night, I'm drowning in it.
I know he told me the possibilities so I could be prepared, but I am drowning in those possibilities, those thoughts, those what-ifs.
It swallows me from the moment I wake, when I do finally sleep for any amount of time, until I sleep again, which is like non-existent these days, because those thoughts are just there, they aren't going away.
I lay awake in my bed listening to music, trying to drown out the thoughts, and they power out the music, I picture myself with that trach tube in my throat, not speaking to my sons, not telling them daily that I love them, not asking them how their day was, not helping them with whatever, not answering what's for dinner, not telling them to stop arguing, and so many more stupid mommy things that I say to them on a daily basis.
I don't see the surgeon until the 25th, I don't know the surgical plan until then, I don't have any more percentages of things that could go right and wrong, and so I drown in the information I do know and I can't let it go.
Just make it go away, I want it to go away.
I want to be empty-headed, upbeat, happy, and "ok", but instead, I am consumed, and drowning, and letting myself and others around me down with every passing day.
====================
Heh.
I made a rhyme.
I thought I was back on the mend yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, my hip and knees were still killing me, I had a migraine to boot, my brain was like in "off" mode too.
I couldn't think a good decent thought for more than 2 minutes, so I spent the day watching stupid stuff on tv, reading Twitter, and just generally annoyed with myself.
I have work to do, I'm letting people down.
I'm letting myself down, and that annoys the crap outta me.
I hate when I get like this, when I can't focus, when I can't think, when I can't do what I am supposed to do.
I'm already in a funk, and then not doing everything that I need to do, puts me in a deeper funk, I start dwelling on it, and then that's all I can think about when I am thinking about any 1 subject for more than 2 minutes.
Like right now.
I've had all day to do work, I've had all day to reply to emails, but no, I couldn't do any of it, so now I'm sitting here just aggravated with myself and hungry.
I just want to eat and eat and eat, and nothing is satisfying me at all.
Why?
Because emotionally I'm not satisfied.
I know this about myself.
I know that when I am an emotional mess, I want to over eat, I want to eat sweets like cake, ice cream, cookies, but once I have it, it doesn't taste right, and I try finding something else to fill the void.
But it's a void that cannot be filled.
My brain is a total mess lately, and I know what's causing it.
I know that the things my surgeon said to me on the last visit have entered my head and never left it.
Halo brace, 3-4 months.
Possible paralysis.
Possible trach tube for 3-4 months.
Not eating, not breathing through nose or mouth, no speaking.
No speaking.
It is weighing so heavily on my mind, no speaking at all, no speaking to my sons for several months.
That thought consumes me day and night, I'm drowning in it.
I know he told me the possibilities so I could be prepared, but I am drowning in those possibilities, those thoughts, those what-ifs.
It swallows me from the moment I wake, when I do finally sleep for any amount of time, until I sleep again, which is like non-existent these days, because those thoughts are just there, they aren't going away.
I lay awake in my bed listening to music, trying to drown out the thoughts, and they power out the music, I picture myself with that trach tube in my throat, not speaking to my sons, not telling them daily that I love them, not asking them how their day was, not helping them with whatever, not answering what's for dinner, not telling them to stop arguing, and so many more stupid mommy things that I say to them on a daily basis.
I don't see the surgeon until the 25th, I don't know the surgical plan until then, I don't have any more percentages of things that could go right and wrong, and so I drown in the information I do know and I can't let it go.
Just make it go away, I want it to go away.
I want to be empty-headed, upbeat, happy, and "ok", but instead, I am consumed, and drowning, and letting myself and others around me down with every passing day.
Kat, I'm so sorry to see you going through all of this. In regards of not being able to talk to the boys, maybe you guys could take a sign language class together. I know it's not the same. I wish you all the best of luck and I am thinking of you and your boys!!
We think of you every single day and we pray for you and for the teens. We love all of you . Just try to deal with now. Easy for me to say but you know what I mean. Love You!!!!
Kat, as I've said before...I cannot put myself in your position and know how your feeling. But I can reassure you that your boys know that you love them to no end. And I know you have been weighing your options and whatever else comes at you. If this is what is to be done, and that your life could or might not be better its a risk. I do know, that your Boys are stronger than what you think....and will do anything for their Mom. I don't think you have anything to worry about, as you have the most amazing friends/family and online friends around. And I can almost guarantee you, that if you need any one to talk too before your surgery....all you have to do is ask. (((HUGS)))
I cannot even imagine your situation !
Even on my poutiest days, I still need to talk a little bit ;-)
sorry this is so long, but my heart led me...
Kat, you are NOT alone in all this. that much i have come to know in the past 9 months.
following bypass surgery in June 2008 i was ventilated for 2 weeks causing damage to my air way and in Sept 2008 my airway failed and i became the owner of a Shiley trach tube. this tube was below the obstruction and like your situation, i became speechless for 3 months. in Dec 2008 my ENT placed a T tube which joins my upper and lower airways so i can now speak in a raspy whisper. this is getting better gradually.
i tell you all this because i KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL about the mute situation. i am a middle school choir director and church singer/conductor. singing is my life. as a result of this situation song comming from my throat is a very slim to nill expectation. BUT THE SONGS AND MUSIC COMMING FROM MY HANDS AND HEART ARE STILL AS ACTIVE AS EVER! i have already returned to my church choir gig and expect to return to my kids at school in August. I WILL FIGURE OUT HOW TO TEACH THEM TO SING WITHOUT MODELING IT FOR THEM!!!! i WILL figure out how to control 50 middle school kids an hour and enourage them to become a team and to sing with attitude ... even if it's with me still speaking at a whisper.
i understand the daily fight to climb out of the all consumning darkness that surrounds your heart. getting out of bed and taking a shower is still a major event which puts me in my chair for an hour to recover. but in 6 months i am determined to make it through 5 days a week with my kids in my classroom!
one night while in the hospital during this last surgery to install the T tube,the pain and sorrow was unbearable. a nuse came in to change out my failed IV lines...another stick...just what i didn't need! she asked me if it would be ok with me if she and i prayed before she stuck me and removed the old line from my aching and swollen other arm. i told her "fine, if you like, but i've got so many people around the world praying for me as it is and look how it's turned out". she stopped and looked me in the eye at 3am and bluntly said "yes, and one of these days you are going to stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize that YOU ARE DESERVING OF EVERY ONE OF THOSE PRAYERS"
how i dealt with being mute for 90 days:
http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm
get on this site and keep it as your home page.
get your kids to get into it day and night.
they WILL learn to read your lips ... over do all the hard sounds you can ... they'll figure it out.
my advise is THROW THE PAPER AND MARKER BOARD AWAY...you can't 'speak to them' 24/7 by writing it down, BUT YOU CAN IF YOU LEARN A FEW BASIC SIGNS A DAY!
i made it my goal to learn and then teach my wife and friends 5 basic signs a day. i chose 2-3 key words that i'd use all day...
"pee"
"drink"
"sandwich"
"love you"
"phone rang" (while you were out)
things like that
and then i learned 1-2 stupid words that made them laugh but challenged them to 'remember that silly sign'
"vice president" (its yak horns out of one side of your head)
"naked" (ok ok, so i am a man, but my wife laughed like crazy when i gave her that silly grin and signed) she just rolled her eyes and walked on.
I MADE THE PROCESS OF LEARNING SIGNS FOR THOSE AROUND ME FUN AND EASY
all along i was learning 20-30 signs a day on my own and linking them into sentences and pretty soon they were getting the sentence structure skill on their own.
THE REASON ITS IMPORTANT?
i was handing out Halloween candy. I'D BE DAMNED IF I WASN'T GOING TO CELEBRATE MY FAVORITE NIGHT OF THE YEAR, EVEN IF I WAS SITTING IN A CHAIR WRAPPED IN A BLANKET WITH THE CANDY BOWL ON MY LAP!!!!!
up walked a little 2nd grader in a beautiful angel costume. just like every other kid i signed and mouthed to her "your costume is so awesome ... please take 2 candies"
SHE TURNED TO HER MOTHER ON THE STEPS AND STARTED SIGNING ... MOM, HE SPEAKS MY LANGUAGE ... HE TOLD ME MY COSTUME WAS AWESOME!...TO WHICH THE MOM SIGNED BACK ... WELL TALK TO HIM AND THANK HIM FOR THE CANDY!
she stood on my porch for 5 min signing all sorts of things that i had very little clue about but i kept nodding and signing "yes, yes, yes" and smiling.
your kids will 'hear you'
the words don't come from your mouth
they come from your heart
once you walk down to their room and stand between them with that 'pissed mom' look on your face and sign "bad dog, go, sit" they'll get the message but then they'll either ask what signs you used or they'll know 'dog' already and have a good laugh with you after they stop fighting.
make sure to learn the words carefully. we were out to supper one night with a fellow music teacher who signs and she and i were talking in a very noisy restaurant and i signed "this food is very, very good"
she burst out laughing and said in her speaking voice ..... BILL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNEW THE SIGN FOR THE 'F' WORD!" OMG! i laughed and signed, isn't this the sign for 'very, very' to which she signed back......NO! 'very, very' is 2 V's going away from each other ... if you tap the V's together its the "F" word.....we quickly looked around and sure enough a lady sitting 3 tables away waved at us both and signed...'naughty boy' to me......haha! you never know who's 'listening in' when you sign.
YOU CAN get past this
not today
not in 2 days
but 2 steps at a time
set yourself one project to accomplish
get up and drag yourself to do it
even if it's just folding a load of towels or feeding the cat...just get up and do it and then go rest for a bit. look for one more task...pretty soon you'll be up and around puttering more than you can imagine.
today is the day i bake bread to take to church. i'll make yeast rolls for 2 families. this is a thank you to them for keeping our family in their prayers during all this. i'll be up for 15 min mixing, then rest for 90 min and do computer stuff, then get up for 15 min and pinch them into rolls and them rest a bit and finally bake them, then package them. before you know it, i have accomplished a huge task and am not worn out at all.
keep pushing yourself 2 steps farther today, then 4 more steps tomorrow and before you know it, the recovery time will be over and you'll be miles and miles ahead of where you are today.
you are in my prayers. please keep posting and let us all know how your journey is progressing. up and down, all these days will add up to the end of the journey ... just keep your head up and looking forward.
mr bill, oklahoma city