I have not been doing so well over the last few days weeks because of all of the stuff going on in my life right now.
Mark is graduating high school on May 30th from 9am-1pm at the local arena.
Over 950 students are graduating, that's why it's going to be 4 hours long.
4 hours in what I am sure is a very uncomfortable chair, I have no idea how I'm going to physically deal with that, but I AM going to deal with it because my baby boy, my 1st baby is graduating from high school.
I postponed my surgery so that I could be there to see him graduate, so I will get through 4 very long uncomfortable hours no matter what.
Then Monday, June 1st, is Sebastian's birthday and the start of hurricane season.
Sebastian has been feeling like everyone forgot his birthday because of all of the talk about Mark's graduation.
NO ONE has forgotten his birthday at all, it's on Monday, Mark's graduation is on the Saturday before it.
Trust me, I know when his birthday is, I recall that day crystal clear.
But he's worried that people will forget his birthday, that he won't get any birthday cards in the mail from all of his relatives like his grandparents, his aunts, etc.
He just thinks that everyone will forget because Mark's graduation is such a big deal.
I keep trying to tell him that no one has forgotten, that he will get his birthday cards filled with handwritten words of birthday wishes and love from everyone, to stop worrying.
Yes, we are all excited about Mark graduating, but we have not forgotten his birthday.
And I'm just really stressing about the upcoming surgery big time.
I always get like this for weeks before the surgery, and then I'm ok about a week before it actually happens.
Like, I suddenly snap back and suddenly able to deal with it all, I get mentally prepared for it, I become positive and ready, but until that morning when I wake up ready to just do it, I'm an absolute wreck.
That's how I am right now.
I am a total freaking wreck.
I know that I will be ok, but for now I'm just one giant ball of stress and worry about everything.
And I have so much to do.
I need to make sure that all of my papers are in order again, my DNR, my sound mind and health statements about where and who I want the teens to live with in the event that something goes wrong.
And I know that those papers don't constitute actual custody papers, but a judge would take them into consideration when determining custody if something should go terribly wrong and I don't make it back.
I do not want my ex-husband, their father, to have them, and they do not want to go with him anyway.
They are old enough to tell a judge where and who they want to live with, and that is who is written in my papers.
There are 3 people/families, written in order of who we want them to live with 1st, and if that family can't do it, the next, and so on.
The teens have made it very clear that if something does happen and I die, that if a judge orders them to live with their father, they will run away and not go back no matter what.
And then Mark will file for emancipation, and then file for custody of Sebastian.
They absolutely refuse to live with their father.
All of this stuff and more is on my mind and stressing me out, it all has to be dealt with, and I will deal with it, I just am struggling right now, I need to get to that mental point where it just clicks and I'm ok.
But I am not there right now, I am nowhere close to that right now.
I am a mess 24/7, I cry at the drop of a hat, I can barely sleep, I can barely eat.
I need to get to the good place but it's just not happened yet.
====================
Mark is graduating high school on May 30th from 9am-1pm at the local arena.
Over 950 students are graduating, that's why it's going to be 4 hours long.
4 hours in what I am sure is a very uncomfortable chair, I have no idea how I'm going to physically deal with that, but I AM going to deal with it because my baby boy, my 1st baby is graduating from high school.
I postponed my surgery so that I could be there to see him graduate, so I will get through 4 very long uncomfortable hours no matter what.
Then Monday, June 1st, is Sebastian's birthday and the start of hurricane season.
Sebastian has been feeling like everyone forgot his birthday because of all of the talk about Mark's graduation.
NO ONE has forgotten his birthday at all, it's on Monday, Mark's graduation is on the Saturday before it.
Trust me, I know when his birthday is, I recall that day crystal clear.
But he's worried that people will forget his birthday, that he won't get any birthday cards in the mail from all of his relatives like his grandparents, his aunts, etc.
He just thinks that everyone will forget because Mark's graduation is such a big deal.
I keep trying to tell him that no one has forgotten, that he will get his birthday cards filled with handwritten words of birthday wishes and love from everyone, to stop worrying.
Yes, we are all excited about Mark graduating, but we have not forgotten his birthday.
And I'm just really stressing about the upcoming surgery big time.
I always get like this for weeks before the surgery, and then I'm ok about a week before it actually happens.
Like, I suddenly snap back and suddenly able to deal with it all, I get mentally prepared for it, I become positive and ready, but until that morning when I wake up ready to just do it, I'm an absolute wreck.
That's how I am right now.
I am a total freaking wreck.
I know that I will be ok, but for now I'm just one giant ball of stress and worry about everything.
And I have so much to do.
I need to make sure that all of my papers are in order again, my DNR, my sound mind and health statements about where and who I want the teens to live with in the event that something goes wrong.
And I know that those papers don't constitute actual custody papers, but a judge would take them into consideration when determining custody if something should go terribly wrong and I don't make it back.
I do not want my ex-husband, their father, to have them, and they do not want to go with him anyway.
They are old enough to tell a judge where and who they want to live with, and that is who is written in my papers.
There are 3 people/families, written in order of who we want them to live with 1st, and if that family can't do it, the next, and so on.
The teens have made it very clear that if something does happen and I die, that if a judge orders them to live with their father, they will run away and not go back no matter what.
And then Mark will file for emancipation, and then file for custody of Sebastian.
They absolutely refuse to live with their father.
All of this stuff and more is on my mind and stressing me out, it all has to be dealt with, and I will deal with it, I just am struggling right now, I need to get to that mental point where it just clicks and I'm ok.
But I am not there right now, I am nowhere close to that right now.
I am a mess 24/7, I cry at the drop of a hat, I can barely sleep, I can barely eat.
I need to get to the good place but it's just not happened yet.
We haven't forgotten Sebastian. I have his card addressed and all ready for the mail man
to take it. Try not to worry about your surgery I know that all will be well. Worry can't change any thing. Mark and Sebastian are all grown now and they will be able to make their own choices but they will not have to because you are going to ace this surgery and be there for them for many,many more years to come. LOVE YOU!!!!
*HUGS*