I posted to my other blog what is going on with the surgery, and my friend Shannon asked the following question;
Is there a reason, other than the obvious, choking and looking down always, that the surgery needs to be done?
The choking is a huge reason, I choke on food while I'm eating if it's a meat and not cut up into itty bitty pieces and I don't chew it to death, I choke on it if it decides to come back up and out, but it's a major quality of life issue.
For the last 9 months, I have been looking down.
My line of sight is down, I see things at knee level and below, I am always looking at the ground, the floor, the carpet, and when I go places, the ground, the dirty ground, the dirty floors of stores etc etc.
On the day that Mark graduated, I wanted so much to be able to look into his face, into his eyes, and tell him how very proud of him I was, how much I loved him, and I couldn't.
I couldn't see anything above his chest and I was straining so physically hard to see that much, leaning back as far as I could, using my cane for stability, and I still could not see his face.
When I go grocery shopping, I cannot see anything above the 3rd bottom shelf.
If I need something above that, I have to back up against the other shelf, find it and either tell 1 of the teens who is with me to get it, or find it exactly, and then walk to it and blindly reach for it and hope that I grab the right product.
I cannot lift anything heavier than 5lbs, if I do, I hurt terribly for the next several days.
Straining my neck to try and see things or people, or road signs, whatever, puts incredible stress on my neck and shoulders and lower back, and I am then in pain for the next several days and unable to do even basic things around the house.
The teens can and do help me with everything around here.
They go grocery shopping with me, they do the laundry, dishes, they help clean the house, they help me cook, everything, but there will come a day when they are grown up and gone and they will not be here to help me with all of those things.
My house will slowly become a disaster no matter how much I try to stay on top of it.
Just trying to stay on top of it daily, causes a ton of pain.
Standing to do dishes for just 5 minutes, causes me to be in immense pain for hours.
I called my surgeon and spoke to him about what if I don't do this surgery, will he ever be able to do it without so many risks, and he said that he will always help me, that he will continue to search for a way to fix me so that my quality of life improves, so that the always present risk of choking to death on food will end, and that medical science is always changing and improving, but he has no idea when it will come up with a way to fix me.
It could be a month from now or 10 years from now, there is simply no way to know, but he will always keep looking for a way, and he and his staff will always help me.
The last 9 months have been extremely depressing, always looking at the ground, not being able to see my son's faces or anyone else either unless we are all sitting down.
People think that I am being rude when they are talking to me and I don't make eye contact, and then I have to explain to them that I cannot raise my head, and then the questions start and I have to explain everything.
Then the pity comes.
The I'm so sorrys, the oh you poor thing, the it will get better, the keep your faith, the god loves you and is giving you what he thinks you can handle bullshit, and the never ending I'm praying for you fucking shit.
If 1 more person tells me that they are praying for me, I might fucking explode.
People have been praying for me and my back issues to be fixed for years, and has it ever done any good at all?
Has it!?!
Tell me!!!!
What has any of that never ending fucking prayer accomplished?!?!
Not a fucking thing that's what!!!
All of those prayers have never gotten anything done, it's all been wasted time and breath, so just fucking stop it, just stop it.
And I really don't want to hear that people pray and god does it in his time, on his time, when he feels it's time.
There is no god, that is evident but all of the world's ills around us and the years upon years of endless unanswered prayers, so just stop, it's a waste of time and it does nothing but piss me off.
The thought of being like this possibly for the rest of my life is overwhelming, it is too much to think about at times.
The last 9 months have been so hard, and I have been sinking further and further into depression.
I know that I need to talk to my doctor about it on Wednesday when I see him, I need to tell him what my surgeon said, let him know that I am still deciding what I should do, but I need to tell him that my depression over this is getting much worse.
Yesterday, I was an absolute wreck, I cried off and on all day long thinking about being like this for possibly for the rest of my life if they never find a way to fix it without so many risks.
Thinking about what my life is going to be like when the teens grow up and leave, how alone I will be, how hard everything will be.
I was so hopeful that eventually I would have a somewhat normal life again, be able to see people's faces, be able to go out again, sit in a movie theater and watch a movie, go out to eat in restaurants, do normal things again, but all of those normal every day things that people take for granted are slipping away from me again.
I am a prisoner in my home, a prisoner of my own body.
Friends and family, my own sons, keep telling me that I could find a nice man some day who would understand, who would be able to deal with all of this, and fall in love with me.
But I don't think so.
Once that man learns the real truth about it all, he wouldn't be able to deal with it, and he would leave.
I am in pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I take a crapload of pain medications that I am physically addicted to.
I am physically unable to do a lot of things, normal every day type things, never mind do relationship type things, sexual relationship type things.
Doing any type of physical activity leaves me in pain and can take hours or days to recover from depending on what that activity is.
Just going to Mark's graduation left me in agonizing pain for the next 3 days, and we didn't even stay for the entire event.
Going grocery shopping for just 1 hour takes me 3 hours to recover from.
You see what I'm getting at here?
Having a normal, loving, sexual relationship with someone is going to be something that causes physical pain and then long recovery periods.
My future is not looking very bright at all.
It's looking very lonesome, very painful, and very depressing, even more depressing than it already is, and so I need to discuss this stuff with my doctor, I know that I have to.
I hate the thought of having to take a medication for depression, but it's getting worse, I am having thoughts of just quitting when the teens grow up and leave.
No, I'm not actually planning anything, but the thoughts are there, the thoughts of they will be grown up and on their own, they will be ok, and I can go, I can end my suffering.
I am not as strong as everyone keeps saying, and that is something else that I am sick and tired of people saying to me, that I'm such a strong person.
No I'm not.
There's a huge difference between being strong and just going through the motions because you have no other fucking choice in the matter.
I have had no other choice in the matter for the last 10+ years.
I am a single mother of 2 teenagers and I have a really bad back.
I have had to get up and keep going because there has been no other option for me, not because I'm strong.
I stopped being Superwoman many, many years ago.
I'm tired, so very, very, very tired.
I'm physically and emotionally drained, I honestly do not know how much more of this life I can take.
====================
Is there a reason, other than the obvious, choking and looking down always, that the surgery needs to be done?
The choking is a huge reason, I choke on food while I'm eating if it's a meat and not cut up into itty bitty pieces and I don't chew it to death, I choke on it if it decides to come back up and out, but it's a major quality of life issue.
For the last 9 months, I have been looking down.
My line of sight is down, I see things at knee level and below, I am always looking at the ground, the floor, the carpet, and when I go places, the ground, the dirty ground, the dirty floors of stores etc etc.
On the day that Mark graduated, I wanted so much to be able to look into his face, into his eyes, and tell him how very proud of him I was, how much I loved him, and I couldn't.
I couldn't see anything above his chest and I was straining so physically hard to see that much, leaning back as far as I could, using my cane for stability, and I still could not see his face.
When I go grocery shopping, I cannot see anything above the 3rd bottom shelf.
If I need something above that, I have to back up against the other shelf, find it and either tell 1 of the teens who is with me to get it, or find it exactly, and then walk to it and blindly reach for it and hope that I grab the right product.
I cannot lift anything heavier than 5lbs, if I do, I hurt terribly for the next several days.
Straining my neck to try and see things or people, or road signs, whatever, puts incredible stress on my neck and shoulders and lower back, and I am then in pain for the next several days and unable to do even basic things around the house.
The teens can and do help me with everything around here.
They go grocery shopping with me, they do the laundry, dishes, they help clean the house, they help me cook, everything, but there will come a day when they are grown up and gone and they will not be here to help me with all of those things.
My house will slowly become a disaster no matter how much I try to stay on top of it.
Just trying to stay on top of it daily, causes a ton of pain.
Standing to do dishes for just 5 minutes, causes me to be in immense pain for hours.
I called my surgeon and spoke to him about what if I don't do this surgery, will he ever be able to do it without so many risks, and he said that he will always help me, that he will continue to search for a way to fix me so that my quality of life improves, so that the always present risk of choking to death on food will end, and that medical science is always changing and improving, but he has no idea when it will come up with a way to fix me.
It could be a month from now or 10 years from now, there is simply no way to know, but he will always keep looking for a way, and he and his staff will always help me.
The last 9 months have been extremely depressing, always looking at the ground, not being able to see my son's faces or anyone else either unless we are all sitting down.
People think that I am being rude when they are talking to me and I don't make eye contact, and then I have to explain to them that I cannot raise my head, and then the questions start and I have to explain everything.
Then the pity comes.
The I'm so sorrys, the oh you poor thing, the it will get better, the keep your faith, the god loves you and is giving you what he thinks you can handle bullshit, and the never ending I'm praying for you fucking shit.
If 1 more person tells me that they are praying for me, I might fucking explode.
People have been praying for me and my back issues to be fixed for years, and has it ever done any good at all?
Has it!?!
Tell me!!!!
What has any of that never ending fucking prayer accomplished?!?!
Not a fucking thing that's what!!!
All of those prayers have never gotten anything done, it's all been wasted time and breath, so just fucking stop it, just stop it.
And I really don't want to hear that people pray and god does it in his time, on his time, when he feels it's time.
There is no god, that is evident but all of the world's ills around us and the years upon years of endless unanswered prayers, so just stop, it's a waste of time and it does nothing but piss me off.
The thought of being like this possibly for the rest of my life is overwhelming, it is too much to think about at times.
The last 9 months have been so hard, and I have been sinking further and further into depression.
I know that I need to talk to my doctor about it on Wednesday when I see him, I need to tell him what my surgeon said, let him know that I am still deciding what I should do, but I need to tell him that my depression over this is getting much worse.
Yesterday, I was an absolute wreck, I cried off and on all day long thinking about being like this for possibly for the rest of my life if they never find a way to fix it without so many risks.
Thinking about what my life is going to be like when the teens grow up and leave, how alone I will be, how hard everything will be.
I was so hopeful that eventually I would have a somewhat normal life again, be able to see people's faces, be able to go out again, sit in a movie theater and watch a movie, go out to eat in restaurants, do normal things again, but all of those normal every day things that people take for granted are slipping away from me again.
I am a prisoner in my home, a prisoner of my own body.
Friends and family, my own sons, keep telling me that I could find a nice man some day who would understand, who would be able to deal with all of this, and fall in love with me.
But I don't think so.
Once that man learns the real truth about it all, he wouldn't be able to deal with it, and he would leave.
I am in pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I take a crapload of pain medications that I am physically addicted to.
I am physically unable to do a lot of things, normal every day type things, never mind do relationship type things, sexual relationship type things.
Doing any type of physical activity leaves me in pain and can take hours or days to recover from depending on what that activity is.
Just going to Mark's graduation left me in agonizing pain for the next 3 days, and we didn't even stay for the entire event.
Going grocery shopping for just 1 hour takes me 3 hours to recover from.
You see what I'm getting at here?
Having a normal, loving, sexual relationship with someone is going to be something that causes physical pain and then long recovery periods.
My future is not looking very bright at all.
It's looking very lonesome, very painful, and very depressing, even more depressing than it already is, and so I need to discuss this stuff with my doctor, I know that I have to.
I hate the thought of having to take a medication for depression, but it's getting worse, I am having thoughts of just quitting when the teens grow up and leave.
No, I'm not actually planning anything, but the thoughts are there, the thoughts of they will be grown up and on their own, they will be ok, and I can go, I can end my suffering.
I am not as strong as everyone keeps saying, and that is something else that I am sick and tired of people saying to me, that I'm such a strong person.
No I'm not.
There's a huge difference between being strong and just going through the motions because you have no other fucking choice in the matter.
I have had no other choice in the matter for the last 10+ years.
I am a single mother of 2 teenagers and I have a really bad back.
I have had to get up and keep going because there has been no other option for me, not because I'm strong.
I stopped being Superwoman many, many years ago.
I'm tired, so very, very, very tired.
I'm physically and emotionally drained, I honestly do not know how much more of this life I can take.
*hugs* I'm so sorry Kat. I don't know what to say. I hope that you don't have to suffer for the rest of your life.
I just want to scream that it's not fair for you because it's not. I wish you the best and the help you need to make this decision.
(((hugs))) I love you
Hang in there Kat!
Not all men are strictly interested in sex..... I am, but I'm not all men ;-)
No, really, I hope for the best for you.
Wow, I just clicked over to find out where you have been and thought you were in the hospital. I then read this...wow. Sorry to hear all this. Back and neck problems suck and do last a lifetime. But on a better note, they always say that you will find someone when you least expect it. I am not sure if your on HUD or whatever but I know that there are a few places in SRQ that are low income and handicapped accessible and family friendly. Never give up!