I took my 6th dose of Elavil, the antidepressant, tonight, and I'm not totally sure it's working yet, but I do feel better, like I have more energy, a want to get things done.
I still don't feel different emotionally, I am still sad, still angry, and just plain ol' fed up.
My life is an open book, I have 2 blogs, I put it all out there, and whatever I don't put out here, I verbally tell it to someone else, so it's really all out in the open, and honestly, I'm tired of people looking at my life and judging me for how I live.
I didn't choose this, I didn't choose to live with 32 inches of titanium attached to my spine, I didn't choose to live in chronic and constant pain, I would give anything to not have to live like this.
I'm sick and tired of being watched, judged, and having people think they know better than myself or my doctors, how my life should be.
I've spent years and years being nagged because I smoke.
I never nag anyone for how they choose to live, be that smoking, drinking, or whatever it is that people do to get through their daily lives.
I stopped being the one to answer the phone about 7-8 months ago.
The only time I answer the phone is if I'm home alone, but if the boys are here, they answer it because I'm sick of hearing other people complain about my life.
There have been many times that I told the boys to say that I was sleeping, in the bathroom, at the store, whatever, just so I wouldn't have to talk and listen to people say things about my life.
I know smoking is bad, I know that it causes cancer, I know that it kills, but everybody dies, everybody will die, and I am not afraid of dying and death because I've accepted that it happens to everyone, and I might as well smoke and be happy until the day that I die.
If smoking kills me, then so be it.
I got tired of hearing how I should be farther along in my recovery, or why haven't the doctors done something else, or telling me that the pain is all in my head, I got tired of it so I stopped answering and talking on the phone.
I got tired of hearing how imperfect I am from people who are so far from perfect themselves it makes me want to scream.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
That is so very, very true.
Or how about judge not lest ye be judged?
Yup, that one is true too.
I am filled with rage and a burning desire to lash out and retaliate, I so want to just say every single thing I've kept a secret for years.
I want to just scream out about all kinds of things, but I won't, I can't, I am not that kind of person.
I am not a hateful or vindictive person, I know that if I say all of the things that I want to say, that it will really hurt someone, it could cause some major problems for them, and as angry as I am at them, as much as I want to hurt them, I don't want to see them hurt, I don't want to see their life ruined.
Does that make sense?
I do but I don't want to hurt them.
I'm sure if they keep going the way they are, that they will eventually hurt themselves anyway.
The truth, all of their truths, will eventually come out without me having to do a single thing.
====================
I still don't feel different emotionally, I am still sad, still angry, and just plain ol' fed up.
My life is an open book, I have 2 blogs, I put it all out there, and whatever I don't put out here, I verbally tell it to someone else, so it's really all out in the open, and honestly, I'm tired of people looking at my life and judging me for how I live.
I didn't choose this, I didn't choose to live with 32 inches of titanium attached to my spine, I didn't choose to live in chronic and constant pain, I would give anything to not have to live like this.
I'm sick and tired of being watched, judged, and having people think they know better than myself or my doctors, how my life should be.
I've spent years and years being nagged because I smoke.
I never nag anyone for how they choose to live, be that smoking, drinking, or whatever it is that people do to get through their daily lives.
I stopped being the one to answer the phone about 7-8 months ago.
The only time I answer the phone is if I'm home alone, but if the boys are here, they answer it because I'm sick of hearing other people complain about my life.
There have been many times that I told the boys to say that I was sleeping, in the bathroom, at the store, whatever, just so I wouldn't have to talk and listen to people say things about my life.
I know smoking is bad, I know that it causes cancer, I know that it kills, but everybody dies, everybody will die, and I am not afraid of dying and death because I've accepted that it happens to everyone, and I might as well smoke and be happy until the day that I die.
If smoking kills me, then so be it.
I got tired of hearing how I should be farther along in my recovery, or why haven't the doctors done something else, or telling me that the pain is all in my head, I got tired of it so I stopped answering and talking on the phone.
I got tired of hearing how imperfect I am from people who are so far from perfect themselves it makes me want to scream.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
That is so very, very true.
Or how about judge not lest ye be judged?
Yup, that one is true too.
I am filled with rage and a burning desire to lash out and retaliate, I so want to just say every single thing I've kept a secret for years.
I want to just scream out about all kinds of things, but I won't, I can't, I am not that kind of person.
I am not a hateful or vindictive person, I know that if I say all of the things that I want to say, that it will really hurt someone, it could cause some major problems for them, and as angry as I am at them, as much as I want to hurt them, I don't want to see them hurt, I don't want to see their life ruined.
Does that make sense?
I do but I don't want to hurt them.
I'm sure if they keep going the way they are, that they will eventually hurt themselves anyway.
The truth, all of their truths, will eventually come out without me having to do a single thing.
Yesterday I had a meeting with my daughter (who has ADD and anxiety) and her psychiatrist. We have decided to put her on an anti-depressants. In discussing her needs, it came up that I take Elavil at bedtime for pain. The psychiatrist told me that elavil is a really "old school" anti-depressant and although used to enhance pain meds that there are much more effective things for depression (especially for adolescents). Just thought you might be interested in that. BTW - This was at Children's Hospital in Boston which is a pretty reputable institution.