Results tagged “medicine” from KatScan

So like I just said on my other blog, my doctor and his PA have left the other practice they were at and moved to a new practice in a different part of town.
I have never ever seen the other doctor at the old practice, and I hate having to start with new doctors, so I will happily go to an all new place to see my old doctor and his PA Mary.
They have always treated me really well, been nice, caring, supportive, and they actually listen to me, so I will go to their new practice on the other side of town just to stay with my doctor and the PA who already know me and my history, instead of staying at the old practice with the doctor there who has never once treated me and would probably have to go through my entire medical history which is wicked long as most of you know, so yeah, a huge pain in the ass.
And as long as my doc and the PA write me scripts for meds that my Medicare part D plan covers like they always have, things will be good.

As I posted on my other blog, I'm looking at ways to get rid of my belly pudge, so I'm doing a lot of reading on the internet about all of the different methods to try and help me get rid of it.
I've been reading about fat burners, different exercises, and all kinds of different medicines that may help me lose my belly pudge like phentermine.
It works to suppress the appetite just like the name brand prescription one does.

I don't really need something to suppress my appetite, I'm already doing very well losing weight, I've lost 38 pounds over the course of a year, down from 196 pounds, and I've managed to keep it off for a whole year.
Soo yeah, I really don't need an appetite suppressant, I need a way to decrease my belly pudge.
And believe me, it is pudge.
It's like a little bit of fat mixed in with flabby, hanging skin because I've lost a lot of weight.
If I could exercise, do sit-ups or crunches, I would probably be able to reduce it, tighten and tone it, but I can't because of the rods, I can't bend at the waist.
I just really need to find a way to get rid of the pudge without having to exercise which I can't.

Yesterday, after taking just one dose of my new blood pressure medicine, my vision went all blurry and I couldn't see anything at all.
It was absolutely horrible, I had my text set on huge and I still couldn't see my way to type anything.
I'm happy to say that after sleeping all night, my vision has cleared up.
I also have not taken the medicine again and I don't think I'm going to.

I know, I shouldn't just decide to stop taking a medicine, but I've only taken one dose of it, not like I've been on it for days or weeks.
I just don't want my vision to get all blurry again.
I did call my doctor and left a message about what happened, I'm waiting on a call back from them,  so until I get a call back, I'm not going to take another one.
I cannot go without my sight, it's just not a good thing especially with all the damn spiders that we've had around the house lately.
I could step on one, or get too close to one, and end up bit by a black or brown widow spider ya know?
Yeah, that would be way worse than not taking the new medicine.

I had my pain doc appointment today, it went as it usually does.
On the pain scale, 1-10, with 1 being no pain, and 10 being OMG kill me now it hurts so bad, where are you right this minute?
I was at a 7 this morning because I had a rough night.
I was super stressed out so I didn't get any sleep, and so I just laid on the couch watching movies all night long, and so my back got super stiff and locked up by morning.
The dose of my pain medicine this morning just didn't cut it after such a crappy night, and on doctor day, you don't double up because they pee test you, and if you have too much in your system, you get yelled at, so I just dealt with the pain until I left.

I did finally tell the PA (my doc's Physician's Assistant,  Mary) about the Elavil and how much I don't like it, so they put me on a new one, Cymbalta.
I have been taking the Elavil since July 17, 2009, and I tolerated it every month, but it's side effects kept gradually getting much worse for me.
For the last few months, I would say, the last 3-4 months, within 20-30 minutes of taking it,  my throat felt like it was closing up, like something was stuck in it, and my hands would start shaking uncontrollably.
Those side effects would last anywhere from an hour to several hours, so I asked to be taken off of it today and she agreed with me that if that's how it's making me feel, then we should definitely switch to something else.
She said that they have been trying Cymbalta with some of their patients who also cannot tolerate the Elavil for a wide variety of reasons, and so far so good she said, so she put me on that.
She gave me two sample bottles and each one contained 7 capsules, so that was enough to get me through 14 days, but Mark and I just got back from Walgreen's and Publix, so I already picked my prescriptions up.
Because there is no generic for the Cymbalta yet, my insurance co-pay is a bit higher than it normally is for my medications, but it's still a really great price at just $6.30 for a 30 day supply.
The regular price with no insurance is $188.79, so yeah, way happy to have insurance.

I am really hopeful that I can tolerate the Cymbalta a lot better than I did the Elavil, because it looks like Cymbalta can actually help me with my chronic pain too.
This is what Drugs.com says about Cymbalta;

Cymbalta is used to treat major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. It is also used to treat a chronic pain disorder called fibromyalgia, and to treat pain caused by nerve damage in people with diabetes (diabetic neuropathy).

That makes me so very hopeful that not only will I be able to tolerate it well, but that it will actually do what it says.
That would be so awesome, you have no idea.
If it can actually help with chronic pain and nerve pain, then I would have to take less actual pain medicine which would be freaking awesome!!
Keep your fingers crossed for me that it really works please!!

One of my friends took me to my doc appointment and pharmacy today, and all I had to do as a way to "pay" her for the ride, was to help her take her respironics oxygen concentrator to the medical supply place, and have them fix it.
She can't lift it, and I know, I'm not supposed to lift heavy stuff either, but as soon as the clerk saw me getting it out of the trunk, he came out with a dolly and wheeled it in for us.
Then she went in and told him what was wrong with it, and they fixed what wrong with it which was just a dirty filter, and she admitted that she never cleaned it, she said she didn't know how to open it, so they cleaned it for her and then put it back in the trunk for us so I didn't have to try and lift it again.
Her son was at home (summer vacation) and he's the one who put it in the trunk for her, and she said that he would take it back out again when she got home.
I had offered to go home with her and get it out of the trunk and take it in her house for her and then she could drive me back home, but that's when she told me that he was at home and he was the one who would take care of it, she was just happy that I was with her and so willing to help her.
She said that one of her other friends that she is always giving rides to, never, ever wants to help her with anything, and complains the whole time they are doing anything at all where she needs help.
She almost started crying when she was talking about it, I felt so bad for her, so I told her that anytime at all that she needs help, all she has to do is call me, I'm usually always at home so I can be ready to go and help at pretty much a moment's notice.
That's when she really did start crying and saying thank you about a gazillion times.
I said she didn't have to say so many thank yous, she helped me with a ride to my doctor's office, the pharmacy, and home again, so helping her is the least that I could do.
I am always so appreciative when people help me out with a ride where I need to go, so helping them in return is my way of saying thank you and repaying them for the help. 

I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but this is a very serious product review of a medical device that claims it can completely relieve pain, "remind the body to heal itself", and strengthen the body's immunity, and many, many other medical claims.

About two months ago, I was contacted by a woman named Cheryl who said she had an amazing product that would help me, help me with my back pain, blood pressure, all kinds of things, and she would love it if I would try it out and review it on my blogs.
I agreed to test it out and I have been using it as she told me to ever since receiving it in the mail.
It's called the Amega Amwand, and it claims to use "zero point energy" to help the body heal itself.
I HATE giving these people a link, but I feel that I need to so that people WILL NOT fall for this scam, I need to warn people that this thing is a total scam and costs hundreds of dollars ($304.00) to buy, and all it is is the body of a ball point pen minus the ink and ink chamber.
It is one solid piece of metal shaped like a pen, it looks exactly like the image above.
You can pretty much tell that this thing is a scam by the url of the website where they sell it.
The url to purchase this thing has the words "CASHRICHES" in it!
Another of their sites is just one big page all about positioning yourself to get in on this amazing money making scheme!

Cheryl told me that in order to get the most benefits from it, to use it properly, all that I needed to do was to simply "wave" the Amwand over my body, the areas that are in pain, in a clockwise circular motion for 30 minutes, 5 times per day.
"It's vital" she said.
She even told me to "wand" my son Mark with it as well because he is having bad back pain too.
Mark laughed at the idea, but he let me use it on him for the entire two months that I've had it and have been testing it out.
Below are the claims that this "wand" can supposedly do to help people.

Usage of AmWand Can:

* Discharge blockages in the body
* Clear distortions in our bio energetic field
* Facilitate the body in healing
* Energize food and drink increasing potency of the minerals & vitamins within them
* Use it on our pets and plants to supplement any energy deficiencies that they have
* Balance and energize imbalances your body may be experiencing
* Help to remove aches, pains and other discomforts
* Lift the face...tightens the skin
* Energize our environment in which we live

Amega AmWand Benefits Can:

* Help the body obtain homeostasis condition
* Help the body's bio-energetic field to source Zero Point Energy
* Relieve aches and pain
* Neutralize harmful elements (energetically) from the liquid we drink, & food we eat
* Energize the skin providing a "face lift" with noticeable improvement
* Energize creams and oils for better absorption of nutrients
* Facilitate and strengthen the flow of energy in our body
* Stimulate bodily functions and strengthens immunity
* Help the body to look and feel younger

You also can have quicker and stronger nail and hair growth, and a greater resistance to tooth decay that is visibly seen. The lifting of the face with noticeable improvement has also brought forth an additional and extremely high interest.

When water is treated with the Zero Point Energy Wand and then used in conjunction with any supplements, they can be absorbed much more quickly and efficiently, and effectively by the body's cells.

I have used the Amega Amwand every single day, five times per day for 30 minutes each session as I was told to do.
I even "wanded" my water with it as I was told to do.
I am here to tell you that the Amega Amwand did absolutely nothing at all for me.
It did not relieve any aches, pains, or other discomforts, it has not helped reduce my blood pressure, and I saw no noticeable improvement in my hair, nails, or face.
It has not helped me to look or feel younger.
It has not helped or strengthened my immunity, as a matter of fact, I've been really sick several times during the last 2 months, and it did not help me get better faster, or at all.
It did not do a single thing that it claims it can do.
The Amega Amwand is a total scam and I feel the need to tell people the truth before they fall for this scam and waste hundreds of dollars on it.

Every day, millions of people live in pain and are desperate to be free from that pain, and would take any kind of supplement or other types of self care items to try and relieve that pain.
If you live with chronic pain or know someone who lives with chronic pain, then you know how desperate you can feel to get any kind of relief, and there are very unscrupulous people and companies out there who know that desperation and are ready and poised to take full advantage of those people who live in pain.
There are thousands of products on the market already that make thousands of claims that their product can help you be free from pain, and people buy them because they are so desperate.
This product, the Amega Amwand, is one of those products that claims so many amazing things that it can do for you, but it does absolutely nothing.
NOTHING.

The existence of zero point energy is not controversial although the ability to harness it is.
No device claimed to operate using zero point energy has been demonstrated to operate as claimed. No plausible description of a device drawing useful power from a source of zero point energy has been given. Thus, current claims to zero point energy-based power generation systems currently have the status of pseudoscience.
That means that this Amega Amwand is a total scam.
It is pseudoscience, fake, not what it claims to be.

Amega Global makes all kinds of products that claim to use zero point energy to help the body heal itself.
They make the Amwand for $304.00, the AmPendant in silver for $394.00, another AmPendant in Rose Gold for $404.00, and another AmPendant in bronze for $409.00.
They also make "food" that ranges in price from $52.00 up to $270.00.

They make all kinds of other products that claim to use this zero point energy, and they are selling them to people that are desperate to be free from pain, there are testimonials out there that claim this thing really works, but I can tell you after testing it on both myself and Mark for almost two full months, that it DOES NOT work.
I really feel the need to warn people about this new self care, help the body heal itself, scam.
I do not want to see anyone at all fall for this, and that's why I have used the name of it, Amega Amwand, as many times as possible so that it will get indexed in Google and other search engines, and be in the search results for it so that people will find this post (cross posted to My Single Mom Life as well) and learn that it is a total scam.
I feel very strongly the need to warn people so that they do not fall for this scam and waste hundreds of dollars on any of these Amega Global products that will do absolutely nothing for them except remove hundreds of dollars from their bank accounts.

Please, if you or someone that you know suffers from chronic pain and have either been told about the Amega Amwand, or they read about it, and are thinking of buying the Amega Amwand, please, direct them to this post.
I would not ever lie to my readers, this product, the Amega Amwand, is a total scam, it does not work as it claims to.
I tried and tested the product 5 times per day for 30 minutes each time, for two months, and saw no noticeable improvement in pain relief or energy, or any signs of looking and feeling younger either.
The Amega Amwand is a total scam.

Back when I first received the Amega Amwand, I brought it with me to one of my pain management appointments so that I could get my doctor's opinion of it. I took out the box and explained to him what the distributor Cheryl was selling to people at a cost of $304.00 and a promise that it could heal people's ailments and completely relieve pain. He read the little pamphlet, looked at the wand very closely, and then he asked me if I had actually paid for this thing. I told him no, of course not, and explained to him how I received it and what my plan to review it was. He told me, and I quote,

"Kat, you have to use your websites to tell people about this. This is probably the single biggest medical scam that I've seen in the last five years, and believe me, I've seen a lot of them. If you have your blogs (he looked kinda confused on what a blog really is) and the power to reach as many people as possible, you absolutely must tell people the truth. And Kat, the truth is that this thing is 100% garbage. It is a lie packaged and sold to desperate people, people who are so desperate to be free from pain that they will do just about anything they can to get relief. You have the ability to help people not waste their time and their money. Use the power you have to do something good. If you just spare even one person from wasting their money and their time, then you've done something great. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, I am going to go to the website and then email this to as many of my colleagues as I can, they need to know about this too and try to stop their patients from getting scammed if any of their patients happen to mention it or ask their doctors if they've heard of being healed by zero point energy."

He then laughed and repeated the phrase "zero point energy" as he jotted down the website urls for both of the websites that Cheryl gave me.
When I got back home and was going back over the pamphlet and stuff that came in the box with the wand, I found the certificate of authenticity, and one thing that I noticed on this "Certificate of Authenticity" that comes in the beautifully padded and silk lined box, is the ultra fine print typed so freaking small that I had to get my jewelry making magnifying glass out in order to be able to read it.
On the very, very bottom of the back of the certificate of authenticity, it reads in super tiny fine print exactly as follows:

DISCLAIMER: These statements have not been evaluated by The Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or physical condition.

These lying scammers know full well that this freaking magical "Amega Amwand" absolutely cannot treat, cure, or heal any ailment of physical condition.
They know that it cannot relieve pain, the number one claim that they use in their selling techniques!
The FDA won't approve this damn thing because they know that it's a total fraud, and these scammers admit, right there in super fine print, that this thing cannot do any of the things that they claim that it can!!

I will be updating this post on both of my blogs with new information or links to other articles about the Amega Amwand and what a total fraud it is, as I find or come across them.
If I find other reviews, I will link them, if I find video reviews, I will link to them as well, and when I see my doctor on Tuesday at 11am, I will be updating him about my "progress" after using it for two months.

**EDIT**
Added 2 links on 6/22/2010

Here is a link to a Youtube video and a post about the Amega Amwand scam.
I am not a hamster, Boob product: Amega Amwand.

Amega Amwand: Medical Scam, at the blog I Am Not A Hamster.


Amega Amwand Is a Scam at Blahvert.

The comments on this post at a money making blog are quite interesting, especially one by someone named Chadi.

FTC disclosure;
I was not compensated in any way for this post.
I received the Amega Amwand for free to test it and review it, and I have to send it back.
It is not mine to keep.
There is absolutely no free product to keep, or compensation received for reviewing this product.
The opinions expressed here are my own, but some of the wording has been taken directly from the Amega Global websites where they either sell the product or hype the product to get people to become distributors of these products.

There are so many class action lawsuits going on right now for all kinds of medical stuff, like I've seen commercials for people who have Mesothelioma, they can join the class action suits and when they win, (the lawyers guarantee they will win in the commercials) the people who have it will be guaranteed to get  Mesothelioma treatment.
I've also seen class action suits for people who have taken Reglan and ended up with the disease called Tardive Dyskonesia, and so now they took a med that was supposed to help with something, and ended up with an all new disease.

I really hate hearing, learning about, all of these medicines that doctors have been prescribing to people for years and years, and then they end up getting an all new problem because of the medicine.
It's really not fair ya know?
And the doctors and drug makers all say that they had no idea that it would happen, that people would get sick or worse, like die, when they made the drug and people took it.
It really makes me feel sick.

Things I'm about to say are really hard for me to say.
I face the possibility of a lot of people having their say about me, judging me, or anger, or pity, or hate, fear, worry.
I face the emotions of all kinds of things because of what I'm going to post here.
And I deserve whatever people have to say.
I do not deserve kindness, and I certainly do not deserve anyone else ever telling me again how strong I am or how strong they think I am.
I am not strong, I haven't been strong in years, I have not been "me" since 2001.
I lost who I was when I had to stop working outside the home, when my life was forever changed because of this body which has imprisoned me.
I am not even a shell of my former self.

I left out something that happened on Sunday, left out several things that happened on Sunday.
I left them out because of fear, guilt, and shame, and I still have all of those emotions speeding through me like a train going at high speed with no conductor at the front.
I don't know if people will understand, if anyone at all will understand, and so I am afraid, afraid of being judged, hated, pitied.
I hate people pitying me because I have enough pity and self loathing running through me to cover me for however long the rest of my life is.

The reason that I have very brief memories of Sunday is because I made a mistake taking my medications that were given to me on Saturday.
I was given the phenergen to stop the pukes and the diars, and I was also given valium to help calm me down and help me rest.
I hadn't slept in days, approximately 7 days at that point, I hadn't eaten either because eating made the pukes and diars worse.
So I was completely exhausted and dehydrated. and still getting sicker and sicker.
The phenergen wasn't working, I was still puking and having the diars every 10 minutes, so I called my doctor, I asked him what to do, he told me to keep taking the phenergen, so I did.
Or what I thought was the phenergen.
Both bottles were identical, same color, cap, labels, and height, the same tiny print, so I kept taking the phenergen, or what I thought was the bottle of phenergen.
In reality, I was taking 2 valium every 4 hours because the phenergen's instructions were to take 2 every 4-6 hours if the symptoms kept up.
I thought in my exhausted and dehydrated state, that I was taking the phenergen, but it was the valium, and a lot of it, so yes, of course my condition worsened.
The diars and pukes didn't stop at all, and I was stumbling and staggering to the bathroom to get sick, and stumbling and staggering back to the couch.
My condition terrified the teens, they had no idea what was happening to me, neither did I, I was taking the wrong medication.
I don't recall the ride to the hospital, I don't recall anything that happened at the hospital except for the doctors talking about my white cells and some sort of infection, I don't recall things said or done by me to people, to doctors and nurses, to Mindy and my sons, to Sebastian.
Apparently, I was very nasty to everyone, yelling, cursing, saying extremely hurtful things, and I recall none of it at all.

Since learning the very next day what I had done, I've been extremely depressed and ashamed of myself, beyond ashamed, guilt is running through me so badly, that when I think about what I possibly said to people, I fall apart and start crying uncontrollably.
I hurt people, I hurt people that I love and care about so much, and I cannot forgive myself even if they forgive me.
I hate my body, I hate all of the pain, I hate all of the pain medications, and medical tests that I endure, and I hate of the doctors, and I hate every damn minute of every damn day of my life.
I hate being alive because I am a prisoner of my body, it holds me captive with it's never ending pain and the medicines hold me prisoner because my body needs them now, is totally addicted to them, I am trapped, stuck in a world of pain, hurt, and medicine that has me so tight in it's grasp that I am suffocating.

Please do not mistake me saying that I hate being alive as me being suicidal, because I am not.
I am far too much of a coward to take my own life, and no, I do not even think about suicide, I just hate this life that I live, I hate it more than the word hate can ever fully describe.
 I am just so full of guilt and shame because I have hurt people that I truly love and care for, and I honestly wouldn't blame them one little bit if they never forgive me for it, I don't expect forgiveness, I don't deserve their forgiveness, I don't want their forgiveness.
I want to feel this guilt and shame, I want it, I have earned it, what I did and said, the hurt that I caused, I earned it, it's mine and no one can take it from me.

As for my OCD, it gets worse and worse every day, my ticks get worse every day, I have caught myself in the middle of my little rituals and even though I've caught myself, I still can't stop doing them, as a matter of fact, it makes me do them again and again.
I've picked up some new ones too, I am now constantly wiping my eyes and wiping away my hair, pulling my pony tail tighter, re-arranging my head band, sweeping and brushing my hair out of my eyes, and then, if I see even a single strand of hair blowing in front of my eyes, if it will not stay in place away from my face, I will pull it right out of my head.
I grab the strand and follow it all of the way up to it's root at my scalp, and I yank it right from there, right at my scalp.
Eventually, I'll be taking some sort of medication for hair loss prevention because I'm pulling so much of it out.
Then, after yanking away even a single strand, I brush my clothes off from a sitting position here at my desk, then I stand and brush them off, and then I wipe off my entire desk, moving my mouse, the coaster I have for my cans of Diet Coke, my pencil box, my notepad, I move every single thing and wipe my desk with my right hand.
Then I wipe the monitor, and then I get up and wipe off my computer tower, and then the table on which it sits, and before you know it, I've wiped down everything within a 4 foot circle of my desk area.
It's getting worse, the ticks are getting worse, things set them off, and what sets them off the most are extreme feelings, nervousness, guilt, shame, fear, and so this week, I've put one hell of a polish on my whole computer area and probably yanked out a good couple hundred hairs.

This week has been hell for me.
I made a huge mistake taking my medications and I hurt people that I love, my sons, my friend Mindy.
I hurt them, and my guilt and shame is eating me alive and setting off my ticks almost hourly.
I catch myself crying, I catch myself barely breathing, I catch myself staring at nothing, pulling hairs out, wiping my desk, my mouse, wiping everything, and wiping in very particular patterns, always wiping everything down in an exact order, and in an exact pattern.
 
I fear that I'm going crazy, like really, truly, going crazy, like my brain is starting to shrivel up and dry out, like I am not going to be ok, like eventually, I'll be locked away or I'll be one of those crazy cat ladies who talks to her cats because they can't talk back, because even if you say hurtful things to them, they have no idea what you are saying and then I won't have to feel so guilty.
I hurt people that I love and care for, I made a huge mistake with my medications, I never do that, I never ever have taken the wrong medication, and because I did, I ended up hurting people that I love, and I am so so sorry, but I am not wanting forgiveness, I am not worthy of forgiveness, I am falling to pieces because of this damn body that imprisons me.
It's grasp is tight, it's prison walls are growing smaller, and I am in a place that I hate, a body that hurts me more and more each day, and I am full of guilt, shame, self pity, self loathing, and I am not forgivable, I do not want it even if it's there.

Yup, I once again spent an afternoon in the ER because I was so sick.
I was so dehydrated by the time that I got there, that they had to push in 3 bags of fluids.
They took my blood pressure and heart rate, and I had to stay attached to one of those oximeter things the whole time because my pulse and blood pressure kept going up and down almost the entire time that I was there.
I must have thrown up a few dozen times before I actually went to the ER, and I only went because Mark kept telling me to go, I was just laying on the couch attempting to just deal with it, but after the 100th time running to the bathroom, Mark had had enough.

While I was there, about 30 or so more people came in for the same thing.
Tons of people here in Sarasota are sick with some sort of stomach thing, the pukes and poops, and no matter how much you try to keep yourself hydrated, you just can't.
It all comes back out within minutes of ingesting it.
There were seniors, adults, and parents and their kids, all in beds in the ER wicked sick.
It was so busy in there this afternoon, they had people laying in beds in the hallways.
There's nothing like listening to about 35 people of all different ages puking in harmony.

I went to my docs today, it was a regular appointment, but we dealt with my out of control hives today.
Because we don't know what's causing them, he's getting me a referral to an allergist, he's going to look for one who takes medicare so I don't have to pay the crazy cost of going to one, and he gave me a script for Clarinex which says it can be used to treat "hives of an unknown cause", so let's hope when I go pick it up later, that once I take it, it actually works.

Whether it does or doesn't work, I'll write up my own review of it.
I should write reviews of all the drugs that I've taken over the years, I mean, I've been on so many, I could like get paid to write consumer reviews of all the different meds.
I can't write a lipozene review, but I can definitely write reviews for all the different pain meds like Hydrocodone and Oxycodone, muscle relaxers like Soma and Skelaxin, steroids like Prednisone, and stuff like that, I've taken tons of stuff like that, so writing about those would be a piece of cake.

I'm very lucky that I have medical insurance, Medicare, and a drug plan through Humana, because if I had to try and get a health insurance quote right now, I'd be laughed out of the offices.
I have a few friends who have no health insurance at all and they have medical issues that they have to pay for out of pocket, hundreds and hundreds of dollars to go see their doctors and get their medications.
Every month when they have to go to their doctor, they have to make sure they have enough money to pay him, hundreds of dollars, and then enough money to pick up their prescriptions that the doctor writes, hundreds of dollars, and they struggle and struggle to be able to pay it every month.

I'm lucky, in a way, to be disabled.
I have medicare, my doctor co-pays are very low, my prescription co-pays are very low, I remind myself just how lucky I am every single time a friend tells me about their horror story of trying to make sure they can pay for their doctors.
But at the same time, I hate my life the way that it is, it's just one thing after another with me, and I'm exhausted from it all.
I didn't sleep again last night, so I tried to get some sleep this morning around 8:30am.
I only slept until 10am, and when I woke up, I had started to break out in hives again.
On my face only this time.
My right eyelid was all puffy and itchy, my lips all puffy and itchy, and then various little hives on my face.
It really sucks to have it be one thing after another all of the time.
I never catch a break.
If it's not back and/or hip pain, it's arthritis pain in every joint, if it's not that, it's a cold, if it's not that, it's a stomach issue, if not that, it's my body breaking out in hives.
Every month I can count on being down with something.

This is what I looked like this morning.
 













Don't I just look so pretty?

I'm learning all about blood clots, one type known as DVT, what medications are out there to treat it, what can be done so as to not have a pulmonary embolism, stuff like that.

I have learned that it is dangerous to fly if you already have DVT

Someone told me that, I didn't know, so I decided to Google it.

I Googled "DVT + airplane".

This is what I found, same answer, thousands of websites.

What is deep vein thrombosis (DVT)?

People who have a history of cardiovascular disease, stroke or thrombotic episodes (blood clots) are at risk of getting blood clots in their legs during airplane flights of 10 hours or more.  But these aren't the only people who can have this problem.  This condition, known as deep vein thrombosis (DVT), also can affect healthy people, even athletes.

What is economy-class syndrome?

Developing DVT after long plane rides is often called "economy-class syndrome" or "coach-class syndrome," because seating and leg room are particularly cramped for passengers in economy class.   However, first-class and business-class passengers also get DVT, so this problem isn't solely due to sitting still in tight quarters for many hours.  Other factors -- such as low cabin pressure, low humidity and dehydration -- all may contribute.   These factors are constant throughout the plane.

_________________________________
 
Can someone please point out the exit signs?
I'm so ready to get off of this ride that I'm on.
 
It's far too scary for me.

The teens and I have so much to do before we go to Maine, so many things to take with us because of how long we'll be there, so many things to take care of here at the house too, that it feels like I should just hire a long distance moving company to help me pack and organize it all.
I have to go to a store and buy myself a pair of jeans, I don't own any, I wear shorts or cotton capri pants all year round here, or I have been borrowing Mark's jeans when it's cold and I need to go somewhere.
While at the store, I need to get a few t-shirts, and a package of tube socks for the 3 of us to share.
I have to get help putting on my socks and boots while in Maine, but it's better than having freezing feet the whole time.
I need to make my list of everything that I need to take, medicines, personal care items, I need to get all of my medical cards ready for the airport, that's always so much fun going through security, so I just make sure that I have everything in my hand to show them.
I need to make sure that the teens have enough warm `clothes and socks too.

I also need to get the netbook and stuff ready to go, that will be in my carry-on, not in a suitcase, not even going to risk it.
I need to finish programming all of my contacts into my new cell phone, and learn as much about using it as I can, take the manual with me anyway.
And then I need to have Mindy come over so that we can go over everything about the cats feeding and stuff because she's watching them and the house for us while we're gone.

There's so much more too that I can't even remember right now, but I will, and then as soon as I remember it, I need to add it to the list so I don't forget it again.

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, (among all of the other things that are wrong with me)  but RA is an autoimmune disease that primarily affects the joints.
An autoimmune disease is defined as a disease that can not distinguish healthy bodily tissues from harmful foreign substances.
Rheumatoid Arthritis is an inflammatory disease that is capable of producing systemic problems (when the disease affects organs of the body).
Your immune system, a little science/medical info for you, is your body's way of protecting itself, of fighting off illnesses and other things which are foreign to your body, so that you can get back to being healthy.
Your immune system is supposed to help you, not hurt you.
With RA, the immune system is attacking healthy tissues and joints throughout the entire body.
When your immune system is already fighting and battling off the healthy tissues that your body thinks are foreign enemies, there's not much left over to take care of any real things that get into your body and make you sick. 

My joints ache all of the time, they get worse when the weather changes, rain or cold, and then it's just a daily battle to try and keep the pain away long enough to do all of the things that you need to do.
I take vitamins and supplements every single day to try and help my immune system fight off everything that it needs to fight off, so that I can try to be somewhat healthy and not in miserable illness all of the time.
I take a cal/mag/zinc supplement, a multivitamin, and an antioxidant every single day, but I wonder if taking a much stronger vitamin, like prenatal vitamins, would be even more beneficial to someone like me.
Prenatal vitamins have like all of the best stuff in them, they have the best of everything in them, and more of it.
I'm not pregnant nor do I want to ever have another baby, and even though it's been a long time since I was pregnant, I do recall that I felt the healthiest when I was pregnant and taking prenatal vitamins every day.
My hair was awesome, my skin was looking great, not a single blemish, my nails were long and strong, and I just felt terrific, so maybe taking a prenatal now would help me.

It's just a thought, something I thought about tonight while I sit here feeling miserable once again. 

I'm now a regular at the Doctors Hospital ER, I should get like a badge or something.
ha ha
I had broken out in hives again on Thursday, they were all over my body, really bad all over my body.
Both of my eyes were nearly swollen shut, and the hives were spreading everywhere, even on the top of my head.
When my left hand started tingling, I made the decision to go to the ER Thursday night around 6:30pm.
I have high blood pressure, so I was concerned about that, like maybe I was having a heart attack or something.
It wasn't busy, thank goodness, I got right in, and when the doctor came to see me, she said I had the worst case of hives she had ever seen.
Both of my eyes were almost completely swollen shut at that point, my face, neck, torso, head, shoulders, every inch of me was covered in raised red welts.
The hand tingling thing was a hive growing larger and right on top of a nerve in my hand, and that's why it was tingling so bad, the nerve was being squished by a giant hive on the back of my hand. 
She asked me if they were "literally" everywhere on my body.
I said yes, they are every single place that there's skin.
She said "Aww, that really sucks, but we're going to take care of it right now, hang in there just a few more minutes."

She had the nurse start an IV line, and then they pumped in 8 different medications to get rid of the hives, stop the itching, something  for the pain, and one med to ease my stomach because the other drugs are known to cause stomach issues.
She warned me what the side effects of the drugs were, and she asked me if I had a ride home or was I driving.
I told her a friend was going to come back and pick me up.
She said good because 1 of the drugs can make people fall asleep within minutes of getting it. She also told me that a couple of the drugs were like taking an appetite suppressant, that I would not feel like eating anything at all during the whole week that she's got me taking the meds.
She was right about that, I haven't wanted to eat hardly anything at all, I just don't have any appetite, none whatsoever.
Which sucks because we got the Girl Scout cookies that I ordered, on Thursday night when Mindy brought me home from the ER.
Many thanks as always to Mindy and her family for helping me out when I need to go to the hospital and stuff.
She's truly a great friend to have, I am very lucky to have her in my life.

I went in at 6:45 pm, and was not let go until almost 11:30pm, that's not too bad considering that all of that time was actually spent on a bed in the ER with an IV line and getting the itches and welts taken care of.
I've spent an enormous amount of time in bed this weekend, she wasn't kidding about the drugs making me tired, I was out like a light man.
I definitely enjoyed the sleep because I have insomnia really bad a lot of the time, so I totally didn't mind falling asleep and staying asleep for a full 6 hours at a time.
I took them all weekend long, and yup, they make you dead freaking tired.
I've probably had the best sleep of my life this weekend and got it because I was broken out in hives.
I need to get the name of that medicine, I hope that it's a sleeping pill and not like a drug to cure things.
They could totally market and sell it as a sleeping aide.  

I will get some term life insurance one of these days, I feel like I'm running out of time here.
Lately, it's been one thing after another with me, it all feels like it's falling apart, fast.
I turn 40 on March 1st, and my body is breaking down faster and faster as each day passes, or at least that's how I feel, that's what it feels like what's happening to me.

Intestinal viruses, drastic weight loss, illness after illness, medication changes, and then at 4am today, this Thursday morning, my way back right molar, which has been broken for a long time, freaking exploded like I got shot in the face.
I couldn't sleep, as usual, and all of a sudden, it felt like I had literally been shot in the face.
The entire right side of my face immediately swelled up huge, my gums are completely swollen, my whole face hurts, the swelling is moving up the whole side of my face, my right eye is swelling shut, it's really pretty bad.
The antibiotics that I have are not working on it, not yet at least, I need to go see a dentist, but there is absolutely no dental coverage on Medicare, none.

I simply do not have the money to go see a dentist, I won't have the money to see a dentist for a very long time, and even if I did have the money, I cannot open my jaw wide anymore, an extraction of that broken tooth would have to be done while I was put under, and they would have to be extremely careful or they could break my jaw.
Being put under for extractions cost a ton of money that I just do not have, will not have.
But first, before anything like an extraction could even be discussed, I need the correct antibiotics to get rid of this massive infection that is taking place and spreading.
If this abscesses, it can get into my blood stream and make me even sicker than I already am all of the time.

I'm so tired people, so so tired.
 
I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of having things go wrong, I'm exhausted from struggling to make ends meet, I'm stressed out all of the time, it's really no wonder that I don't sleep and can barely eat, I'm far too stressed out to even properly function half the time anymore.
I lay awake all night long, sick, stressed out, worried about how I'm going to pay the bills, the rent, pay for all of this medical crap that is constantly happening.
Every single day is a medical and financial nightmare for me.
I'm so tired and so scared.
I'm absolutely terrified that I'm not going to be able to hold it together for much longer.
I get sick and then I can't work because I'm too sick to even sit here and type.
If I can't sit here and work, I lose making the money that I so desperately need to pay the rent, bills, and medical crap.
I'm feeling like total crap right now, the right side of my face, the whole right side, is completely swollen, it hurts, my whole jaw hurts.
I called both my pain doc and my primary care, I asked if they could call in some antibiotics, they said no.
They told me to go to the dental clinic butcher shop downtown, or go back to the ER.
I am probably already marked as a "frequent flier" at the ER, so yeah, I really don't want to have to walk back in there, show them my face, and beg them to help me, again.
 
I'm sick and tired of my ex-husband paying the child support once a freaking month because he knows that he can get away with it.
He doesn't even have to pay that much anymore!
Mark is 18, so he only has to pay for Sebastian, just $59.56 per week, and he refuses to pay it every week like he's supposed to!
He knows that he can miss 3 weekly payments in a row before any legal action is taken, so he doesn't pay for 3 weeks, then pays just the one payment of $59.56, and then doesn't pay again for another 3 weeks!
He hasn't paid a freaking dime since January 8th!
I know that's not much money, but I need every single penny that I can get, that I'm supposed to have.
That weekly child support payment pays for my doctor appointments and medicines, Mark's doctor appointments and medicines, helps buy food, and helps to pay some of the bills, and he just keeps avoiding paying it.
It's not fair!

When I say that I'm really scared, I mean it.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep this pace up, how much longer that I can try to hold my life together financially.
Everything is a mess, I get sick, I lose work, I lose work, I lose money, I lose money, I get behind on my bills and rent.
I am falling apart here, just falling apart and I'm scared.
I need help, I need someone to just come and make it all better, take the burdens off of me for awhile.
I need someone to just come into my life and take over for awhile, pay the bills, buy the food, pay for the medicines and appointments, and clothes for the 2 growing boys, I need someone to just come take over, I am struggling so hard and I am terrified.

It is so hard for me to admit my failings, to admit that I need someone to help me, to just take control before I lose control and lose everything, house and job, everything, but I am losing it here folks, I'm really losing it.
I really don't know how I'm going to hold it together for much longer.
I have so many bills all due during the first 3 days of February, and I do not have the money, I just don't have it.
I'm not going to have it.
Do you see?
Do you see at all?
Have you ever been so scared that you're really going to lose it all this time?
That this is it, this time is going to be the time that you just can't hold it together any longer and you can do absolutely nothing at all about it?

I can't do anything about it.
Nothing.
I'm so lost and so scared, and just wow, I really don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold this life of mine together.
This life of mine.
It's not a life anymore, it's just fear, stress, and worry 24 hours a day, I'm really losing control.



 

I'm really having a heck of a time lately.
A few things have gotten totally screwed up in the last 24 hours, 1 being that my doc called in another new med, (getting sick of the constant switching of meds) I can't go get it, really irritated about that but not much I can do, and then this morning, all of the lights went out in Sebastian's bedroom, and none of the outlets will work either.
So I went outside to the fuse box to flip the switch, and nothing happened, so I opened up the fuse panel to try and see if something was wrong with it, and that's when I saw that the fuse holders for that room were all loose, so I tried to wiggle them back in place, it seemed to go back in, so I closed the panel and flipped the switch again.
Nothing.
So I flipped it again.
Nothing.
So I came back in the house and checked the lights and outlets again, nope, no juice, so I called the landlord to ask him if he could come by and check it out, replace the burnt out fuse or the fuse holders, whichever is the cause, and he said he would try to get here today but he's really rather busy with work, so it may be tomorrow before he can get here.
Luckily, the washer and dryer, which are in that room, are on a different fuse, so at least I can do the laundry.
I'll be doing it in the dark, but at least it will be done.

I just got a call from the insurance company about what happened to me back in October with the DA& Pharmacy.

Because I don't have a full Medicare supplement, just a part D drug plan, I only pay a small co-pay for my prescriptions.
This pharmacy that I went to told me that I had to pay an extra $20.00 on top of my $2.40 insurance co-pay or I couldn't have my medication.
Read the blog post I linked to see what went down, but I am so very happy to report that Humana, my insurance company, is going after this pharmacy.
They are not only going to revoke their contract, but they will also be pursuing other legal options, they will be calling other customers of Humana who have used this pharmacy to see if anything similar happened to them, and then doing whatever they can to get this pharmacy dealt with legally.
I have scanned and emailed them the receipts and everything else that I had including the whole story so that they can refresh the pharmacists memory if she claims that she doesn't remember or that it never happened, they can show her that she did do it.
Totally freaking awesome.

I had my appointment with my pain doctor today and was able to get a medicine that works and my insurance, Humana, will pay for it.
Yay!
Because of the whole Purdue lawsuit, the pain med that I was taking, the oxycodone 40mg, is no longer available in the generic, and Human absolutely will not pay for the name brand, my doc had to switch me to a new med.
We tried a couple of different ones, none of them worked, and the last one, the methadone, caused me to be sick and also itch like freaking crazy, so he had to switch me again.
He personally called Humana to ask them if they would cover certain medications, and after talking to them for over an hour he said, he was finally able to find a pain med that will work and that Humana will cover.
He put me on Roxicodone 30mg, which is a short acting pain reliever, not an extended release like the Oxycodone 40mg, but it will kick in faster and work just as well for my pain as the 40s used to do.
Now I am on Soma 350, Hydrocodone 10/325, and the Roxicodone 30mg.
I only take the Soma at night to try and sleep, I take 2 of the Hydrocodone every 6 hours, and 1 of the Roxicodone every 4 hours.
This should work to help keep the majority of the pain away, and he said that if I end up having breakthrough pain that is intolerable, like when it rains and the titanium starts to hurt, that I can take either 2 more Hydrocodone or another Roxicodone every 4 hours until the pain goes away.

The doctor had a few more patients to see and my script for the Roxicodone had to be typed up and signed, so they told me to go home and come back to pick up the script after 2pm, so I left and went to hang out with my friends who gave me a ride at their house until it was ready because I live across town and they live close to the doctor's office.
We would have wasted a ton of gas bringing me home, them going home, coming back to pick me up, back to the office, and then to the pharmacy, and back home again.
So after 2pm, we went to the office and then to the pharmacy to get all of the scripts filled, and they were having issues with their computers and stuff so they were unable to accept credit cards, so I had to go to the gas station and use the ATM to get money to pay for my scripts which sucked because the ATM at the gas station charges a $3.00 fee to use it.
I hate that, but by the time we got back to the pharmacy, they had all of my scripts filled and ready to go, so I paid and we left to come back home.
We all hung out here for a bit and then they had to go, but they're coming back later tonight to watch movies and eat pizza and hang out for awhile.
I'm totally ok with that, so I'm going to get up off of here and go do some general cleaning around the house until they come back.
I hate having people come over when my house is dirty.
The litter boxes most definitely have to be cleaned.
Egads those damn cats sure do pee and poop a lot!
Later days!

It may not be an industrial computer, but I finally (been thinking about buying 1 since school started up back in August) ordered the netbook that I've been wanting to get for Sebastian, and I have been talking about it on my other blog, and debating with myself for months and months and months.
YAY!!!
I Twittered about getting the really awesome deal that I got thanks to Verizon, I mean, really, it's a totally sweet deal, how could I not publicly thank them?

The netbook is actually a really great one for the price.
HP Mini 110 series

• • Black Swirl
• • Genuine Windows XP Home with Service Pack 3
• • Intel(R) Atom(TM) Processor N270 (1.60GHz, 512KB L2, 533Mhz FSB)
• • 1GB DDR2 System Memory (1 Dimm)
• • 160GB 5400RPM SATA Hard Drive
• • Intel(R) Graphics Media Accelerator 950 with a 5-in-1 Digital Media slot
• • 10.1" diagonal WSVGA LED Anti-glare Widescreen Display (1024 x 600)
• • HP Mini Webcam with HP Imprint Finish (Swirl)
• • Wireless-G Card
• • HP Color Matching Keyboard
• • 3 Cell Lithium Ion Battery
• • Microsoft(R) Works 9.0

When I got Fios installed back in July, Verizon told me that in 3 months, if I paid the bill on time and in full for those first 3 months, I would receive a gift certificate for $299.00 to buy anything that I wanted from a certain website, so my gift certificate came about a month ago, and I finally used it tonight.
The netbook's price was exactly $299.00, and then I bought a mouse and a carrying case for it.
The mouse was $12.79, the case was, $11.99, they had 20% off of them individually, not 20% off if I bought both together, but 20% off of them by themselves, and then I had to pay for shipping for all 3 items.
The subtotal was $324.77, shipping was $19.00, Florida tax was 24.07, making the grand total $367.84.
The $299.00 gift certificate was applied and so I only had to pay $67.85 in total.
I LOVE an awesome bargain like this!
W00t!! W00t!!


Today like around 9am or so, I am going to go to the pharmacy and pick up the scripts that are waiting for me, then go do the grocery shopping, and then tomorrow, I get to go see my other doctor and tell him about the issues that I am having with my feet and hope that it isn't diabetic neuropathy, because if it is, I know that he's going to put me on insulin and I don't want to be on insulin.
I don't have a problem with needles, no problem with needles at all.
It's that having to take insulin will further restrict me and what little freedom I have left.
Because of all of the health issues that I have right now, I am truly a prisoner in my own home because of my own freaking messed-up body.
Having to take insulin will just make me even more of a prisoner.
I know that calling myself a prisoner isn't good, but it's how I feel, my life is so restricted, I can hardly do anything because of the constant pain that I am in, being forced to watch myself, test my blood sugars constantly, will just make that feeling even stronger.
It sucks.

Right now I am in some really horrible pain in my left ankle, no, not another spider bite, and no, I didn't twist and sprain it, but I think it may be diabetic neuropathy.
When I tried to get up from my chair here in my little office furniture corner of the living room after posting my review of my new Christmas decoration, (it took me about an hour to write that post, I kept getting interrupted) when I went to put my feet down on the floor from my usual placed up on a high foot stool, my left ankle started throbbing immediately.
I couldn't put any weight on it at all.
It's not like a pinched nerve or tingling kind of pain, this is like a twisted ankle kind of pain, it's that bad.

Diabetic neuropathy usually creates a tingling or numbness sensation in the feet, but it can "occasionally creates a severe burning pain, or other very unpleasant sensations, that are extremely frustrating."
And yes, it is extremely frustrating to know that I did not do anything to bring this on, I did not do anything out of the ordinary at all, I went for my regular 2 walks every day, and the general walking around my house to clean and do dishes and make dinner kind of stuff.
My ankle did not hurt or even tingle when I sat down to write that post, it just happened over the course of the hour that I sat here with my legs propped up, while writing that post.

In all these past 6 or so years since I was told that I had diabetes, I have been able to control it and my blood sugar through diet alone with the help of my doctors keeping me on track making me keep food and sugar readings diaries every single day.
Once a month, I bring in my diary notebook, the nurses photocopy the new months entries, the nurses go over highlighting anything either above or below normal, and bad foods that I know I shouldn't eat but do anyway, and then when I get in the room with the doc, he reads all of the highlighted entries and tells me (yells at me actually) what I'm doing wrong and how to stay on track, how to get and keep my glycosylated hemoglobin value into the normal range, and to keep my blood sugar tests normal as often as possible.
But if when I go to see him this coming Wednesday and tell him about this foot pain and he goes over my diaries, he may tell me that we had a good run, but it's now time for insulin.
That will totally suck if it happens and it's probably going to, but I did have a very good run, I went almost a full 6 years controlling it through diet alone, I did really great at it only messing myself up a few times.
There have been times that I needed to spike myself up or I wouldn't have any energy at all to even make dinner for the boys, so I would intentionally take on too much sugary foods, like some ice cream mixed with marshmallows, followed by a full can of Mountain Dew to help wash down a Snickers Bar and a few Twizzlers.
The sugar spike would have me buzzing around the house cleaning everything I saw, the house would be totally spotless in like 2hours, dinner would be done cooking, everyone would be done eating, and the dinner dishes would be all washed and the sinks and counters wiped down and sparkly like Fly Lady tells us to do.
My docs yell at me for doing that, but seriously, there ar just times that I am dead tired, have zero energy, and if I don't do it, absolutely nothing at all will get done and the teens won't be fed.
It's really that bad, I just lay on the couch on those days and sleep off and on all day and night listening to the tv for anywhere from 24 to 48 hours.
Sugar spiking myself and then crashing after it's all done, is sometimes the only way, and it IS like the number 1 thing that my docs yell at me for doing.

I'm afraid that my awesome 6 year run of no insulin is over.
Diabetic neuropathy can be controlled by controlling the sugar and the glycosylated hemoglobin in my blood.
I don't hate needles, I've had so many jabbed in me over the last 10.5 years to give me shots, take blood, give blood, so it's not a fear of needles, it's realizing finally, that I cannot control it on my own anymore, that I've failed and need to take even  more medicine.
I'm so over taking medicine, every single day, pill after pill after pill, all day long every single day for the last 10.5 years and will be taking pill after pill every single day for however long I live.
It sucks.

I can't be entirely sure just yet if the cause is the new medication, or if I caught the flu.
If it's the med, I have stopped taking it and that should cause the sickness to stop.
If it's the flu, the puking will continue.
Either way, I don't think I have to worry about gaining any new belly fat for awhile.
What med did he put me on?
Methadone.
Yes, Methadone is what they give to people addicted to heroin or other narcotics, but it's also given to people dealing with long term pain because it's like morphine.
He is giving it to me for this month until he gets clearance from the insurance, Humana, to give me an immediate release generic oxycontin pain medication.
Humana does not like to allow that particular med, and they make sure that any patient getting it is closely monitored, both in dosage and weight.
The immediate release oxycontin 30mg is dosed based upon weight, my weight has been fluctuating pretty significantly for the last 6 months.
The patients weight determines how many of the 30mg pills to give the patient every day.
The heavier you are, the more they have to give you.
The skinnier you are, the less they have to give you.
My weight has been fluctuating between 10-15lbs up or down for 6 months, I gain it and lose it, rapidly, and not really sure why.
I am concerned that the Methadone is what caused me to puke non-stop last night because it is so similar to morphine which I am highly allergic to.
It is only 1 chemical molecule off from morphine, which means it's very, very similar to morphine.
I told my doctor when he asked if I was allergic to morphine, that I was, he asked what happens when I take it and I told him.
 I itch so badly on every inch of my body, that I have pulled out huge clumps of hair while sleeping, that I have scratched so hard  on my legs, stomach and arms, that I have actually caused huge gashes in my skin that have gotten infected, and I have gotten very sick to the point that eating anything at all came straight back out within minutes of eating it.
Even trying to take tiny sips of water or Diet Pepsi last night caused me to be very ill.
Deep scratches scab over, scabs itch, so I have scratched at the itchy scabs until they became infected and ended up having to be treated by doctors and antibiotics.
He still prescribed the methadone.
I don't understand that, if he knows how similar it is, is he just hoping that it won't affect me the same as morphine?
I did not take my dose last night or this morning, I am only supposed to take it twice a day, and I am now not taking it, screw that.
If it is the methadone causing the pukes, I am not going to take it.
If I stop taking it and remain sick for days or a week, I'll know it was the flu.
But I don't feel like I have the flu, I have no flu symptoms other than puking, no fever, no lethargy, nada, just puking, so I am almost like 99% positive that it's the methadone and how similar it is to morphine that is causing the sickness.
I should know for definite by tomorrow after not taking it for about 24-48 hours.
I'll tell you what though, I am really not happy about being a guinea pig with the testing of drugs.
I had a drug that worked for my pain, it's unavailable, there is another in the exact same family, just immediate release instead of extended release, that will work, and they are not allowing me to have it.
Instead, I've been given a drug that is more than likely causing me to be extremely sick.
I puked out nothing but stomach bile for 3 hours last night after all the food had been thrown out.
Bile burns man, it burns and hurts, and I am not happy about any of this.
It sucks.
I at least have the regular hydrocodone 10/325 for the pain.
It doesn't work as well as the oxycodone ER 40mg, but it will have to do for now while my doctor figures things out with Humana.

I betcha that  bcbsnc would be just as furious about what happened today at the pharmacy as Humana is.
I've been posting about my pain medication saga on this blog and my other blog, for the last couple of days now, and had found a pharmacy with the very last of the generic medication in stock, all of the way down in North Port today.

So my friends drove me down to the pharmacy in North Port this afternoon in a massive thunderstorm and heavy rain that lasted the entire drive down there, and half of the way back home, in order for me to get the last remaining stock of the generic Oxycontin HCL 40mg ER, which is Oxycodone HCL 40mg ER.
The pharmacy that I found it at didn't have my full prescription of 90 pills, but they did have 80 of them, close enough.
So I went for it because my doc had said because of that whole mess, that he was not going to write me a new script until he figured out what would work best for me because I am allergic to the equivalent med which is morphine sulfate, (MS Contin) and I am severely allergic to morphine, and also because Fentanyl patches don't work, and the Fentanyl injections are too dangerous and I refused them.

I went into the pharmacy and handed over my script and the pharmacist filled it, ran my insurance for it, and my co-pay was going to be $2.40, and that's when the pharmacist told me that she was losing money because of the insurance.
"What?" I asked.
"Because I am accepting your insurance for this medication," the female Indian pharmacist said, "I am losing money on it."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"Let me explain. I pay $40 for the medication, Humana is only going to pay me $20 for it, you are only going to pay me $2.40 for it, so I am losing $20.00 by accepting your insurance and giving you this medication" she said.
"Ok, what does that mean for me?" I asked.
"It means that unless you pay me $20.00 for the medication, I cannot let you have this prescription" she said.
"Uh, ok, um, I haven't gotten paid yet, let me go see if I can borrow it from one of my friends" I said, and I went out to the truck to ask Deb and Nic if I could borrow $20 until I got paid Friday night.
Nic let me borrow it but told me I was being yanked.
I said that I knew that and would deal with it later, but right now this was the last pharmacy in the whole damn state with my med, I needed to get it and would report the theft and insurance fraud when I got home.
I went back in and instead of paying the legal amount of $2.40, I paid the theft price of $22.40, got my med, and we drove back home to Sarasota.

What the pharmacist did is called price gouging for one, theft for another, and insurance fraud for a solid third.
It is against the law to accept and charge an insurance company for the medication, actually charge the patient the real co-pay amount, and ask the patient to pay another price on top of that.
I know by going to the Humana website and logging in to my account, that I can see how much the medicine costs, my co-pay amount, and how much Humana pays the pharmacy when they submit the claim to Humana.
The medication costs $670.62, my co-pay is $2.40, and then Humana pays the pharmacy $668.22.
 
That is actually what it says on the My Humana page for today's (Friday October 16th, 2009) prescription fill at the pharmacy I went to today.
At my usual pharmacy that I had been getting it at for a full year before this whole Purdue lawsuit mess, the price of the med was $789.95, because they were getting the generic version from a different pharmaceutical company than the one I got today.
My regular pharmacy was getting them from Watson Pharmaceutical, and they were round and orange-ish-yellow.
Today's pills were manufactured by Dava Pharmaceutical, the pills are round and purple.  
The different pharmaceutical companies all make their pills look different, and they charge different prices for them.

But that's really neither here nor there, what this pharmacy did was illegal.
And she knew it too.
It is an independently owned pharmacy, the husband and wife own it together, she's the pharmacist, he's the cashier, 1 cash register, 1 tiny little store.
She so totally knew that what she was doing was illegal, and she took steps to prevent being caught.
On the patient medication print-outs, there is always a strip at the top that says the name, address, and phone number of the pharmacy, it says the medication name, how much it costs, and how much the co-pay is.
This little strip is perforated to be torn off for the patients use.
The pharmacist tore it off so that I wouldn't have access to the truth.
She made 1 mistake though, she let me keep my cash register receipt that clearly says that I paid $22.40 for 1 prescription, and the receipt has the name, address, phone number, and the name of the pharmacist right at the top.

When I got home, I immediately called my insurance company to report what had happened.
The Humana rep was aghast at what I was telling her, she placed me on hold while she got a supervisor and asked what she was supposed to do for this kind of thing, and then she told me that they had all of the pharmacy's information in the system already because the pharmacist had submitted the claim, I really did pay the legal co-pay amount of $2.40, and she told me that they were sending me a form to fill out, that I would need to photocopy all of the paper work that I did have, like the receipt and the patient print out showing that she tore the patient use information strip off, and that I would need to explain exactly what happened, what the pharmacist told me, and then she told me that I needed to report it to my state's price gouging hot-line, and the police in North Port, which I did.
I left a voice mail for the hot-line in Tallahassee because that's what you're supposed to do, and I spoke to a detective at the North Port police department who told me that I would need to go back to NP and file a report and bring the evidence and my witnesses with me.
Both Deb and Nic said that they would be happy to go to NP with me and fill out the report, especially Nic because she's the one who loaned me the $20.00 to pay for it, and was just as shocked as I was that the pharmacist did that.
All 3 of us were in shock that she ripped me off for $20.00 when she had submitted the claim to Humana for the full price of $668.22, claiming that she was going to lose $20.00 by accepting my insurance.

Can you freaking believe the week I have had just trying to get my freaking medication?!?
Totally unreal right?
I mean, who the hell else would have this kind of luck?
This is the kind of stuff that happens to me all. of. the. time, and this pharmacist knew that she was the last pharmacy to have the medication, she knew that I had to have it, so she totally took advantage of those facts and she stole $20.00 from me, lied to me, submitted the claim to the insurance, so that's fraud, and she totally, illegally, price-gouged me!!
Seriously people, this kind of crap only happens to me.

Because I don't want any other person in the south west Florida area to be ripped off, I am telling everyone right here on my blog, to never, ever, go to D & A Pharmacy in North Port Florida, located at 3015 Bobcat Village Center Rd. in the Bobcat Village Shopping Plaza.
This is a picture of their store front happily provided by the pharmacy to be listed on Google.

Never go there folks.
Ever.

As I posted on Tuesday, I was having to wait for my insurance, Humana, and my doc's office to agree on either paying for my pain medicine or forcing my doc to write a new script.
Well, neither happened.
It seems that Purdue Pharma won in federal court, to be the ONLY manufacturer of Oxycontin HCL 40mg ER.
Actually, Purdue Pharma now has the patent on ALL controlled-release oxycontin until April 16, 2013.
That's right, they fought and won the right to be the only maker of all controlled release oxycontin until 2013.
That's total crap.
I was taking the generic, oxycodone HCL 40mg ER, but seeing as only the brand name is being produced, my insurance refuses to cover it because of how expensive it is.
Because the only equivalent alternative medication is morphine sulfate, my doctor did not write me a new script for medication.
He was going to write me a script for Fentanyl, either the patches or the injections, but I refused based on the fact that patches do not work for me, I have damaged nerve endings in my back still, I cannot even feel it when being touched by a hand, stung by a bee, anything on my back, so without nerve endings, the medication in the patches would never be absorbed and be able to work.
I also declined it based on the horror stories of that medication that I have heard about and seen on tv programs like Dateline and 20/20.
People suck on the Fentanyl pain patches and have a heroin like experience, and it is also highly addictive because of how strong it is when used in the liquid injection form.
I do not need a highly addictive heroin-like medication in this house.
I am already physically addicted to some of my pain meds, I don't want to be emotionally addicted to something like that, I've never done heroin, and I certainly don't want to take a medication that is like heroin.

So anyway, I do not have my regular medicines, and I am in quite a bit of pain.
It is amazing just how bad the pain is without my usual regiment of medications, all I want to do is stay curled up in a ball on the couch, every single part of my body aches, all of my joints ache like crazy.
Just doing the grocery shopping this evening was a test of sheer will power to make my body walk there, walk the aisles, and walk home.
As soon as I got home, I put everything away and curled myself up like I was sitting in an egg chair.
Curling up is the most comfortable position right now, my other pain meds are not even touching the arthritis pain that I have, it's horrible right now.
My ankles, knees, hips, pelvis, lower back, and my neck, are just throbbing in pain.
We're heading into a cold spell, well cold for Florida, and I am so feeling it.
I'm really kind of ticked off at my doctor for not trying to find an alternative medication that I can take.
I also can't believe he wanted me to take 100mg of Fentanyl, that stuff is like heroin man, I don't want that crap.
I don't want to take it, I don't want it in my house, I don't want anything at all to do with it, but he thought it was a good alternative.
I think I'm going to call Purdue Pharma tomorrow and ask them for help.
I cannot get my insurance to cover the medication, and I cannot afford to get my script filled for their name brand product.
It would take me 2 months of SSDI payments to pay for just 90 pills, it's very expensive like I said on Tuesday.
It can't hurt to ask them for help seeing as their little war over a patent has caused me to be without my meds right?
Their greed has caused me to be in pain since Tuesday, maybe, just maybe, they will help me and cover the cost of it or send me some.
I've heard stories about some of the pharmaceutical companies helping people that way, maybe they will help me.

I swear, the pharmaceutical industry and the insurance industry must be cahoots with each other.
They do everything that they can to get the most amount of money from people for the least amount of work or money being spent on their end of the transaction.

One of my medications is not being made any longer, well, let me rephrase that.
The generic of it is no longer being made, and my insurance company will not pay for the real name brand one unless my doctor calls them and gets prior authorization, tells them that it is medically necessary to have it because the generic is no longer being manufactured.
The real name brand one costs a lot of money, a wicked lot of money.
The generic version of it would cost me $789.95  for a quantity of 90 pills, if I didn't have insurance.
The real name brand one would cost me $1,325.00 out of pocket if I didn't have insurance, for the exact same amount, 90 pills.
My doctor does not want to switch me to another pain medicine unless he absolutely has to because this one works very well for me, he doesn't want to have to make me take something else that may not work as well, and then go through possibly months of trying on new medications until we find one that works.
Getting this particular one took about 5 months of trying a new one every single month until finding this one worked the best.

So basically, I went to my doc appointment today and got all of my prescriptions, 4 of them, but was only able to get 3 of them filled until Humana either decides to cover the name brand one, or forces my doctor to write a new script and start the drug try-ons until we find one that works as well as this one does.
I have been on and tried so many different pain relievers, I could write reviews of them as easily as I have written diet pill reviews on my blogs.
I really do not want to have to try a new drug, or several new drugs.
It sucks trying out new ones, they all react differently with my body, and the one pain med that I absolutely do not want to ever have to take again, not even for a week or so, is Ultram/Tramadol. (the generic is Tramadol)
That one makes me feel like total crap.
It makes me feel agitated and angry, like if anything is even normally mildly upsetting, that little thing makes me explode violently and I start screaming and yelling at anyone within earshot.
It also makes me feel dirty and gross, like slimy and disgusting, and no amount of showers makes that feeling go away, it makes me feel strung out, like jacked-up, cracked-out.
It's how I imagine smoking crack would make me feel.
It also upsets my stomach.
Most narcotic pain relievers cause you to be constipated, I deal with that by taking a stool softener every 3 days or so.
On Tramadol, (the generic) it's the exact opposite, it causes diarrhea, so the whole time I am taking it, I need to stay close to home, close to the bathroom, and I can not eat much at all because it just comes right back out, explosively.
So the doc's office is calling Humana and faxing them, a medically necessary-please approve the name brand medication form, and the doc's office will call me tomorrow to either let me know that I can go to the pharmacy and pick it up, or go back to the doc's office and get a script for a brand new pain reliever.
I am hoping that they will approve it, I really hate trying out new ones, it sucks a wicked lot. 
 
Tramadol is what Mark's doctor has him on, and poor Mark, he is suffering the exact same side effects that I get while taking them, and they really aren't helping his pain much either unless he takes 3 of them at once, but then taking that many causes him to be really agitated and have the stomach upset 3 times worse.
He went and had his MRI last week, and we're supposed to go in tomorrow for the results and a refill of his meds, but I don't have any transportation, and I am not going to spend $40 for a cab ride, so I had to call and cancel his appointment.
I am going to call and talk to a few friends, and ask them if they could give us a ride, they can pick the day that works the best for them, and I'll just tell his doc to either fit us in on that day, or they'll have to wait until I can find another ride from someone else.
Getting his test results are a huge priority for me, I need to know exactly what Mark has and how bad it is.
These results will determine whether or not Mark can go ahead and apply at the police academy and take the law classes in college. (you need to apply at the police academy and then go take the classes)
If his back is really bad, if he has a lot of spine deformities and nerve damage, it will negatively impact his life-long career choice.
If his bad is super bad, if he can't be a cop like he's always wanted to, I will have 10 times more guilt over this than I already do.
I feel absolutely horrible that my genetics, that my DNA, may have destroyed his ability to be a police officer.
The day that I heard that he has spondylosis, I came home and cried my eyes out. 
I so didn't want him to have anything medically wrong with his back, I was so hoping that his doctor would just tell him to lose weight, that because he's overweight, that's why he has lower back pain, that's what I wanted to hear, not that my DNA has been handed down to him.
I have to find us a ride,  someone that will take us there and either wait possibly for an hour or 2, or drop us off and come back to pick us up when the appointment is over.
I need to find out what's wrong and how we're going to treat it, if it can be treated by bracing or physical therapy, or if it's bad enough to need surgery.
Once I get the results from his doctor, I am going to try and fight with medicaid to get a second opinion, and that second opinion will be from my surgeon, Doc M.
Doc M. is the most qualified spine specialist in this state, Mark's doctor even said that if he thinks Mark's spine needs surgery, that he would send him to Virginia to be treated by a specialist there, he already knows that he's not qualified to do the surgery himself.
I am almost scared to get the results, I don't want it to be any worse than what it is right now, just the spondy and arthritis, I am so afraid that he's got other spine deformities, maybe scoliosis, or severe nerve damage like I have.
I do not want him to have to go through any of the years of pain and hell that I've been through, I won't be able to handle that, I don't want my son to suffer like I have. 

All of that stuff that was going on with me and my family a few months back now, is still on our families stage.
Instead of being front and center like it was, it's now just hanging out somewhere stage left.

Mark and I had a long talk on Thursday afternoon, that's why I haven't been around much during the daytime hours recently, not posting to my blogs during the day, only hopping on and off of Twitter every few hours and stuff.
Mark and I, had a long talk about his upcoming MRI on Monday afternoon.
He's really starting to get worried.
Not about the MRI itself, but the results.
He said that if the results say that it's bad and that he will definitely be needing surgery when he's older, he asked if he can tell the doctor to just do the surgery now, while he's young.
I said that of course he can tell the doctor he wants to do it now, but that doesn't mean that the doctor will, but he has every right to make his own medical decisions now, he's legally an adult.

He said that after watching me go through the spine fusion surgeries in my mid 30's, and watching George have spine fusion in his late 50's, after watching the 2 of us suffer through the surgeries, the recoveries, and watching us still be in pain (even years later in my case, George had his surgery just 9 months ago) that he does not, under any circumstance, want to have his surgery in middle age, when the body takes longer to heal, when the body is actually starting to decline in health, he does not want that kind of life for himself, and he does not want his children to have to go through what he and Sebastian have had to go through.
He said that it wasn't my fault, he doesn't blame me for anything, but it really sucks being a kid and having to deal with all of this stuff for the last 10 years of their lives.
 
He also said that after he has his spine fused, after he's recovered as much as his body will recover, that he wants to go to drug rehab and get off of all of the pain medicines while he's young.
He said that he does not want to be like George and I, having to take pain pills every single day for the rest of his life like we have to.
He said that he believes that the reason we are in so much pain, the reason that our surgeries didn't go so well, the reason that we are still suffering, is because the surgeons waited too long to do it, that if it had been done while we were younger, our lives would be so much different.

I really can't argue with him there.
I have often tried to imagine what my life would be like if the doctors had taken better care of me when I was young and first diagnosed with scoliosis.
I know that back in the early 80's when I was diagnosed, that they were using Harrington rods, and I know that those rods failed after about 10-15 years, but dammit, I would have had 10-15 years of being straight before the rods gave out and needed to be replaced, and when they did, the new titanium rods that I have now, would have been developed and doctors would have begun using them by then.
I would have been ok.
I wouldn't have started suffering from the excruciating backaches and burning pain that has  plagued me every single day since I was 19 years old.

Do you have any idea what it has been like to be in pain every single day for 20 years?
There has not been a single day since I was 19, that I've not had pain.
I honestly don't know what it feels like to not have pain, I can't remember what no pain feels like.
 
Maybe if those damn doctors had done their job and fixed me when I was younger, when I was a teenager, fixed me like another girl in my high school class was,  that I wouldn't have become disabled at the age of 31.
At age 31, I was told by 3 orthopedic surgeons and 2 neurosurgeons, that my body couldn't handle the stress anymore, that if I continued to work, continued to put any kind of physical stress on my body any harder than walking at a slow pace, that I would be in a wheelchair within 5 years, and instead of doing spine fusion surgery, they would have been amputating my left leg at the pelvis due to the extensive and non-repairable nerve and blood vessel damage that was running from my lower back all of the way down into my left leg and all of the way to my toes.

All 5 of those surgeons wrote letters to SSDI and told them that I could never work again, and I made and kept copies of all of the letters that every single one of the 21 surgeons and specialists that I saw beginning in July 1998, all the way up until I met my surgeon in November 2005.
I have all of my own medical records, I had to pay to get copies of some of them, but after going from surgeon to surgeon so many times, I just started making my own medical records to bring with me to meet the new surgeons so that time wouldn't be wasted waiting  for my records to be sent over to another new surgeon time after time.

It took from April 2001 to December 2005, to get approved for SSDI.
They denied me twice even with an attorney, and that's when I asked each of the 21 surgeons who treated me to write a letter to SSDI explaining how bad my condition was, and they all agreed to do it, they all wrote letters and sent them to my attorney, and almost all of them included their original notes from during the time they treated me and then had to send me to another doctor who "might" have been able to help me.
I really think it was those letters that finally got me approved.

I went off there eh?
Sorry, didn't mean to, it's just that period of time in my life was not only physically challenging, but emotionally challenging.
I wanted to give up fighting every single day, but then I'd look at my boys, and just keep on fighting.

Mark is a fighter, he will fight to get whatever needs to be done, done, but done his way, when he says so, not when a doctor says so.
He does not want to be middle-aged and fighting a battle everyday to just walk from the bed to the couch.
He doesn't want to put his kids through this either.
I asked him if he was really planning on having kids and he said that he was, at least 2 he said.
Then he told me that I need to make my body as strong as I can because the "Gram" is always the kids favorite babysitter.
Ha ha
I said I would do my best, but for now, let's just get through doc appointments and hurricane season, we can talk about me being a grandmother later.
Muuuucch later. 

I don't mean that in a snotty way, not at all, but I am lucky that I have a good part D  Medicare supplement or else I'd be like a few of my friends, broke and unable to pay for prescriptions.
I have a friend, well a couple of friends, who don't have the best medical insurance, and some who have none at all, and they get stuck paying full price for all of their medications.
One of my friends takes the exact same pain medicine that I do, and she has to pay full price for it every single month.
It costs anywhere from $589.99 to $699.99 depending on which pharmacy you go to, and she struggles like crazy every month to make sure that she has enough money to pay for just that 1 medication.
And that's just 1 of the 5 that she takes.
I'm better off than most of the people that I know in that regards.
My co-pays at the doctor's offices are fairly low, my prescription co-pays are really low on most of my medications, between $2.50 and $9.00 depending on the medication and amount.
There's only 1 of my meds that I have to pay full price for now, and it costs me about $45.00 which is a lot better than I did have to pay about 8 months ago when I had 4 scripts that I had to pay full price for.
My monthly premium for my insurance is just $21.00, which is great because it's not that expensive and it helps keep my prescription costs as low as they are.
I just wish that everyone that I know had good insurance, reasonably priced, low co-pays, and good medical care.
Health insurance should be available to everyone at an affordable rate.
I haven't read up too much on the health care plan that congress is debating over, but whatever they end up agreeing on, they need to make sure that everyone has good health insurance at affordable rates.
It's only right that people can afford good health care.

I went and saw my pain doc today and actually got to see him, not his physician's assistant like I have been seeing the last 3 visits.
This is something that I had talked about before, that I wanted to see him, because he's the only one who can change my medications, fix the dosage and amounts, or remove one that isn't working and try something else.
The PA just gives you the prescriptions that he has prescribed you, already signed by him in the morning.
That's how they can see so many patients, there's him, another pain doc, and then 3 PA's.
Every morning before they open, the 2 doctor's go through the files of every patient that will be seen that day, they write out the scripts, sign them, and then when the patient comes, the scripts are ready to go, and you have your appointment with him or the PA, whoever you are scheduled to see.
At last month's appointment, I told his PA that I wanted to see him at my next appointment because the meds I am on just aren't working as well anymore, that I'm having a rough time of things like they are, so they scheduled me to see him today.

I told him how things were going, how the meds they gave me had caused me to end up in the ER, he had the notes from the ER and had spoken to the doc who treated me that night by phone, and he apologized to me for that happening, and had made a note in my file to make sure that I am never given those particular meds again.
Basically they got added to the list of meds that I am allergic to so that from now on, no one ever gives me those again, and he said at my next appointment, he will have a typed up and signed allergy card for me to carry in my wallet in case there is ever any emergency and I am unable to speak.
He said that the allergy card needs to be in my wallet right with my ID card so that if I'm ever in an accident, the EMTs or police, whoever, when they get my ID out to identify me, they will also find the allergy card so that any medical people who treat me will know what I cannot be given.
I thanked him for that because trying to remember 4 meds accurately by name and spelling  is hard enough in good condition, so trying to remember them by name and spelling  accurately in a bad situation, would be very difficult.

I also talked to him about my weight, that I am going through losing weight/gaining weight phases which I am not happy about, and the muscle spasms I get in my middle and lower back, pain from doing pretty much anything like walking, doing dishes, and going grocery shopping,  which causes me to take more pain medication, and my never ending battle with insomnia.
He asked if I wanted a sleeping pill and I told him no because they don't work for me, I know this from experience.
I had been prescribed sleeping pills by my primary care doc, we tried 3 different ones, and they all wired me up instead of putting me to sleep.
So I asked him if he ever heard of a product called Stemulite, and if he had, what did he think of me trying something like that.
Stemulite, according to it's makers and from user testimonials, is supposed to be good for several things.
Things like improved sleep, increase strength and reduce pain from working out or exercising, increase muscle tone and endurance, and increase weight loss, wellness and energy.
He said that he hadn't heard of it, at least he didn't think he had, so he had me spell it and he wrote it down, said he would look it up and at my next appointment, he'd let me know what he thought of it.
He said he generally doesn't like prescribing any type of weight loss medication unless the patient is severely obese, which I am not, but he is concerned about the fact that doing things that are easy for most people, things like grocery shopping for example, cause me to be in a lot of pain and have bad muscle spasms in my lower back for many hours afterward, and my constant insomnia.
He said it was really odd and definitely not the norm that I can't sleep when the pain medications that I take normally cause most people who take them to be very tired, they all cause severe drowsiness, but not for me, instead of even being slightly tired, I'm wired up and ready to go.
So he said he would definitely look into it and let me know what he thinks because there has got to be something that will work for me, something to help me with the multiple issues that I have, insomnia, increased pain from doing even simple things, muscle spasms, and my weight always fluctuating.
At my appointment last month, I had lost 7lbs, the appointment before that, I had gained 10lbs, and at today's appointment, I had lost 9lbs, up and down like a yo-yo.
He said he would be ok with me trying something like Stemulite after he looks into it, because so far, nothing seems to be working for me, my muscles are just not healed up well and they should be, they should have far more strength than they do, so maybe next month, he'll give me the ok to try it.
That would be awesome if he did ok it, I've been looking into it for quite awhile now, I posted about it when I found out about it back in April, so yeah, if he ok's this, it really just might be what could help me with all of the things that I am having trouble with.
My latest battle with insomnia lasted for 6 days.
During those 6 days, I only got a total of 3 hours of sleep.
It was an absolute hell, I was like going crazy from the lack of sleep, I tried and tried, I did all of the things I could think of to try and relax myself to sleep, things like gentle stretching and then relaxing of each part of my body starting at my toes and working my way up.
I tried taking a warm shower, I tried listening to very quiet classical music, and even some lullaby music I have, I tried drinking some sleepy time tea, and I even bought some over the counter sleeping pills which was a HUGE mistake because I KNEW they wouldn't work from my own experiences with prescription sleeping pills, but I was desperate for sleep, so I was trying anything I could and nothing worked at all.
It really sucks when you can't sleep, it makes you crazy.

So anyway , today's appointment went very well, we talked about a lot of things, he increased the doses of the meds that I take, and promised to look into Stemulite for me, to see if it will have any side effects or if it will interact badly with the meds that I currently take, and I also got a copy of my pain management contract.
He said he will also make sure that I get copies of the drug tests that he does on me every month, and the 2 random tests that he's done so far, and those will be ready for me to pick up at next month's appointment or if I want them earlier than that, to just give them a 72 hour phone call/notice, and he said they will be available to pick up after that.
But he said that I have passed every single drug test so far, and from the records he got from my previous pain doc, that I also passed every drug test that they did on me.
He did ask me why I wanted these things, so I told him what was going on.
That was really hard for me to tell him, I almost busted up bawling my eyes out but was able to hold it together for the most part, only cried a little bit.
He told me that if I had ever failed even just 1 of the drug tests that his office does, that he would have stopped being my doctor and would have added my name to the blacklist database, and he told me not to worry about it, to just let it go, let people think whatever they want to think because they don't make my health care and pain management decisions, he does, and if I had failed any of the tests, he would have personally told me that I did.

He also told me that I'm not the first and certainly will not be the last patient being treated for chronic pain, that people accuse of being addicts, he said that he hears it from almost every single one of his patients, that their families just don't understand, and probably never will.
He said that if any of those people ever had to deal with even just 1 day of the kind of pain we are in, they would change their tune in a heartbeat, and he doesn't wish that kind of pain on anyone, but he said that it would be the only way that anyone would understand, they would have to spend a day in our shoes to "get it", so I need to let it go, ignore what the people say, and just keep on doing what I'm doing, keep making my appointments, keep taking the monthly and random drug tests, and just try to live my life the best that I can, that those people don't live my life, and they should consider themselves lucky that they don't.
He's a pretty cool doc, I wish I could see him every month instead of his PA who talks wicked fast and into a tape recorder the whole appointment, but it's up to the scheduler who I get put with, and next month, I get to be with him again because of the things he said he's going to do, but then after that, I'll probably get with the PA again.
Oh well, at least I get to see him again next month and find out if I can take the Stemulite.

I might dust off my scanner and just scan the pain management contract, which I noticed is a new version, this one has been condensed to 3 pages down from the previous 8 page one.
I asked the office staff why it was smaller, and they said that they realized it was just far too wordy, that the new one says what it needs to say without all the extra and often confused wording. They told me that once I read through it, it is totally clear, that there can be absolutely no confusion over any of their rules at all.
Just glancing at it for a minute while waiting for the scheduler, I was like uh yeah, definitely plain as day what you can and cannot do as one of his patients.
But yeah, I might just scan it and have it available to email to anyone who wants to read it and understand that I absolutely cannot fail a single drug test, miss more than 3 appointments, or lose/have stolen any of my medications.
There is NO room for mistakes as one of his patients.
He is a very good and kind pain management doctor, but he's definitely not the kind of guy that you can try to roll one over on. He's heard all of the excuses people have, and he knows every single way that someone can try and pull one over on him, and it isn't going to happen with him, he's very strict with his rules, he has to be.

Anyway, that's my update for now.
I have a ton of emails to catch up on, a contest winner to draw which was supposed to be done yesterday, (UGH!) and then some dishes to do.

My friend Christine sent me this link to an advice column posting, and it made me feel so much better to know that there are people out there who understand what I'm dealing with.
I'm going to copy and paste it here, but anyone is free to go read the posting at the link above.

Dear Annie: This is for "His Wife," who worried that her husband might be addicted to painkillers.

I am a family practitioner and sometimes prescribe OxyContin for chronic, refractory noncancerous pain. Addiction is the physical and/or psychological craving for a substance despite documented damage to one's health and well-being. A person will beg, borrow or steal to get that substance. Her husband is not addicted. He appears to have chronic pain for which there is no surgical cure. He is under treatment for a bona fide medical condition.

I wear glasses. Am I addicted to them? No. Am I dependent on them? Yes. I am also a diabetic. The medication on which I am dependent has a specific purpose to control a medical condition.

The same goes for the OxyContin. If it is prescribed by a physician and his condition is monitored regularly for the purpose of improving function and maximizing his potential, it is legal and beneficial. If I cannot cure my patient, my next goal is to alleviate suffering. For too many years, patients have suffered in pain because we doctors were afraid of "causing" addiction. - A Doctor in California

Dear Doctor: Thanks for the lunch-bucket lingo explanation. Our readers will appreciate it.

See, it doesn't matter what your disease is, if you have a cancer like mesothelioma, you take medicine for it, if you have diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, have to wear glasses because you can't see well, a heart condition, whatever, your doctor treats you the best way that they can, and for those of us with chronic pain, have had surgeries that were supposed to fix us but didn't, whatever our reason is for being in pain, our doctors treat us with the medications that are available to treat us with the best way that they can.
I know that the people who have said things about me, or believe the lies told about me, have medical conditions that they take medicines for.
Arthritis, heart problems, diabetes, and skin cancer, and even some feminine problems like having to take hormones for "the change".
Are they addicts because they take the medicines prescribed by their doctors for their conditions every single day of their lives?
No, they are being monitored and treated for their health issues with medications.
I don't judge them or call them addicts, I know that they have legitimate medical conditions and they are being treated for them.
I've been through surgical hell, painful surgeries, heck, the pictures are at the top of this blog with the stuff that is forever inside of me, and I am currently stuck with my head down until medical science can find a way to fix me.
It is extremely painful to live like this, so my doctors treat me for this pain with medications to help make living like this easier.

So am I am addict?
Not me, not me the person, but my body is, my body needs them, and I am under constant medical care, and I am watched and monitored closely by my doctors.
I have an 8-page contract that I signed with my doctor, I take monthly and on-call urine drug tests to prove to my doctor that I am not taking any other drugs that he has not prescribed me.
If I do take anything other than what he has prescribed me, any illegal substances, I will be kicked out and unable to return to his office or any other pain doctor's office.
I will be blacklisted in the state of Florida, all doctors will be notified, and so will pharmacies.
At this month's appointment on the 14th, I am going to get a copy of my contract and copies of every single drug test that he has made me take, and I will send them to anyone who asks to see them to show people, to show anyone who thinks that I am doing anything illegal, that I am not.
Do I want to have to do this?
Should I have to do this?
No, hell no, but I will do it to put an end to the stories and the lies told about me.

Well I certainly didn't need any Phenphedrine these past few days, my medications took care of that for me.
As I posted on my other blog, I now have 2 more medications on my allergy list.
I now have to write in whenever I'm asked for medication allergies, morphine, albuterol, phenegren, and clonidine.
The phenegren and clonidine nearly killed me in just 2 short days of taking them.
I started taking them on Monday, became horribly sick and confused, slept for hours and hours, and when I wasn't sleeping, I was horribly ill.
It got so bad that I ended up in the ER last night, they almost pumped my stomach, but instead hooked me to IV fluids and gave me several shots of stuff I can't even recall the name of, to try and get the bad stuff out of me.
It worked because I am totally coherent now, I can read, write, sit up, walk, and talk, all things that I was completely unable to do from 5:30pm on Monday night until last night at the ER when they started pumping me full of fluids and meds.
It was some scary stuff I tell ya.
I don't think I've ever felt worse in my entire life than I did for the last few days.

I thought that I would/should start documenting how it's going with the new antidepressant.
I want to keep a record of how it's going so that if any bad or weird side effects happen, I will know what day they happened, and so that I can tell my doctor how I am doing.
I don't want to have to ask my sons or my friends to keep an eye on me like the drug information page says for them to do.
Keeping a record of how I am doing and the side effects, will also help me determine if I am losing or gaining weight, one of the side effects of Elavil is weight gain, so I want to keep an eye on myself.

I am at 170lbs as of tonight, so if I start gaining weight, if I balloon up to 200lbs, for example, I can then ask my doctor to help me lose the weight or change the antidepressant.
If I gain too much weight too soon, I could ask my doctor to change it and also to give me something to help me lose weight, maybe something like some ephedra diet pills that will suppress my appetite as well as give me a boost of energy so that I can lose weight quicker from moving my body more and moving it faster.

Of course, moving my body more and moving it faster,will cause my body to be hurting pretty bad the next day, and it will take a day or 2 of laying down on the couch and taking it easy until I can get the pain back under control again.
It seems like a lot of things in my life lately are of the damned if you do, damned if you don't type of things.
I really am just so lost and confused on what to do about so many things right now.
*sigh*

But anyway, I took the Elavil on Saturday night at 10pm, and just like the previous 4 nights, instead of making me sleepy like it's supposed to do, it wakes me up, gives me a ton of energy, so I went and did the dishes and then cleaned the bathroom.

I don't feel much different yet, no change in emotions or thoughts yet, and I hope that it doesn't take 4 weeks like the drug information page said it might take.
I really hope that it will only take a week, and that I don't have any bad side effects.
But so far, nothing has changed emotionally.

I will keep documenting how things are going as I go.

Well, it looks like I'll be back on the hunt for the best weight loss pill again very soon.
One of the side effects of the antidepressant that the doc put me on is weight gain.
Just doing a Google search for various side effects like I do for every new medication I get put on, I came across a lot of search results for weight gain when I was searching for weight loss.
My doc put me on Elavil for my depression.

Anytime I get put on a new medication, I look it up.
I check multiple sites too, I want to make sure that they all say the same thing as far as what it does, side effects, long term effects on the body etc.
Just reading up on Elavil now, and look!
Now people can really freak out!

You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start taking an antidepressant, especially if you are younger than 24 years old. Your doctor will need to check you at regular visits for at least the first 12 weeks of treatment.

I wasn't suicidal before, but I might just get that way now that I'm taking a medicine that is supposed to help me get happy. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Oh, this is really just great, I wanted to stop these things from happening, but this drug might make these things happen, and might make them worse.
Awesome!

Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

I swear, the side effects of the drug are just as bad as the reason I'm taking the drug.
Elavil can cause you to be suicidal.
That's really fantastic.
I wasn't suicidal before, but I might just get that way now, that's really great
I will have to be monitored for up to 12 weeks from the date I first start taking it, which was on the 14th, because it can cause me to become more depressed and feel suicidal during that first 3 months.
That really stinks.
I am taking this so I can get better, stop being depressed, and it can actually cause me to get even more depressed in the first 3 months of using it.
I'm supposed to warn my family and friends to be alert to the changes in my mood and behavior so that they can tell me to tell my doctor.
My sons have been through enough, they don't need to be watching over me to see if I get worse.
Why the heck do the side effects of these drugs that are supposed to make us better, have to be just as bad or worse than the reason we take them?!
And my doc's PA was wrong, it can take up to 4 weeks to start working, but it could possibly be a rough time during the first 3 months due to he possibility of feeling even more depressed.
Just read through all of the side effects and possible side effects of Elavil, it's really kinda nuts.
I want to know why it says to tell your doctor if you regularly take other medications that make you sleepy, like pain meds or muscle relaxers.
It doesn't say why you should tell your doctor, it just says that you should, and I do, I take pain meds and a muscle relaxer every single day.
Elavil is supposed to make you sleepy, but so far after taking it at night for the last 4 nights now, it is not making me sleepy, it's having the opposite effect, I am wide awake for hours after taking it.
So wide awake in fact, that I have a ton of energy and could start cleaning the house at like midnight.

I don't know, I just don't know.
All I do know is that I don't want to feel worse, I do not want to get more depressed, I do not want to start thinking about suicide, it has already been a horrible 3 months for me, watching myself get more and more depressed, knowing that I was getting worse but still holding it together, I cannot get any worse, I just can't.
It would not be a good thing people, it really wouldn't.

Even though we've decided to not do the surgery right now, my surgeon still wants me to have a bunch of tests done.
I need to call and schedule an MRI, I still have the referral paper he gave me last week, good thing I didn't throw it out after deciding to not have the surgery huh?
After he gets the results of the MRI, he may, but will more than likely he said, have me go do a Myelogram.
I hate that test.
Hate it.
That page and every other page that describes the test, makes it seem like a piece of cake, but it's not.
You lie face down on this table, they strap you in so you absolutely cannot move, and they inject a contrast dye directly into your spinal cord.
Then the table rotates, up, down, side to side, and upside down, holding each final position for about a minute and a half while they watch the dye move through your nerves and blood vessels.
It's very unnerving being upside down for a minute and a half, all the blood rushes to your head, and the table is not soft, it's a hard xray table because they are doing xrays or CT scans to see where and how far the dye goes.
Then after the test, you have to lay in a bed with your head slightly elevated for 6 straight hours, you cannot move, you can't lay on your sides, you can't get up and use the bathroom, you have to lay there for 6 straight hours while the hole they made in your spinal cord closes up naturally on it's own.
They can't stitch it up for some reason, all they can do is put a small band-aid on it, but if you get up, even to just use the bathroom, your spinal fluid can drain out and that is apparently really bad.
I have a major issue with this part, well the whole test, but having to lay there in bed for 6 hours and not be able to use the bathroom.
I cannot pee in a female urinal.
I just can't.
There's something about it that my brain simply refuses to let me pee in the damn thing, so by the time they finally let me get out of the bed, the very 1st thing I do is run straight to the bathroom and let the flood gates open. ha ha
And hospital beds in the recovery rooms are awful, they are very hard, so it's painful for me to lay there perfectly flat for 6 hours. It's not like hospital beds are comfy anyway, it's a hospital, not the Riviera hotel.

They do this test to look for nerve damage, and my surgeon thinks that I have some nerve damage somewhere, but he's not really sure where exactly.
The nerves in the skin on my back have not fully regrown from the 1st surgery in 2006, I still cannot feel it when someone touches my back, I can't feel anything on my back at all, and he said that is very rare that after 3+ years, that I still do not have any feeling in my back.
He's also concerned about the random tingling in my hands and feet.
Both right and left hands, and right and left feet, randomly go numb and tingle, that fall asleep feeling, but it just happens whenever, nothing physical is causing it like it does when you fall asleep on your arm the wrong way, it just happens.
He wants to see why this is happening, and where the damaged nerves are.
So, even though I'm not having the surgery, I'm still going to have to go through all of the pre-surgical tests, that really sucks, I hate that damn Myelogram.
I always end up with a wicked bad headache after, probably because of the whole spinal fluid thing, but the headache takes hours and hours to go away.
I hope that he sees what he needs to see in the MRI and we don't have to do the Myelogram, I just really hate it and never wat to have to do that test again.
 

I'm so sick and tired of complaining.
I'm like a broken record and I'm sick of listening to myself complain, I can only imagine how other people feel about it.
I am so sick of being in pain, sick of being sick, sick of having to take pain pills to deal with the pain, sick of running out of pain pills because of the crappy rainy weather and having to double up just to be able to move, and then having to wait 3-4 days for my refills to be ready, being out of pain meds makes my body go through withdrawals which is absolutely horrible to deal with, you have no idea what a nightmare that is.

It has rained almost every single day for the last 7 days.
Every day for almost 2-3 hours per day.
The humidity goes up, the rain comes down, and the titanium rods get frozen solid, they get stiff and do not allow me to move.
I lay on the couch underneath my blanket trying to warm them up with my heating pad, I try to move, I try to get up and do all of the things that I need to do as a mother.
Cook dinner for my sons, do their laundry, go grocery shopping, but I can't, I can't do any of it.**
I can barely walk to the freaking bathroom without crying, never mind stand and cook dinner.
I hate the rainy season, I hate it so so much.
It hurts me, it makes me hurt, it makes my body stiff as a board, an unbreakable board, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it.

I hate all of the pain pills, I hate it all.
I hate what I have to take, I hate how much I have to take, and I hate that after this next surgery, there will be even more of it to take, probably even higher doses, maybe even stronger ones, and that really, really bothers me.
I lay in my bed at night and cry about it sometimes, actually, a lot.

I hate what all of these pain medicines have done to my body and my mind.
I hate how my body requires them, needs them, and that at exactly after 6 hours, if I don't take another 1, my body starts screaming at me to take it.
My back starts to spasm, my stomach starts cramping up to let me know that it needs it or else there will be hell to pay in the form of diarrhea or vomit.
I go through withdrawals almost immediately if I do not take my pain medicines every 6 hours as I have been doing for the last 10+ years.
My body is so used to having them every 6 hours that my mind is trained to know exactly when I should have them.
I am fully addicted to my pain medicines.
I am totally ashamed to admit this, but I am at a loss of what to do right now because I'm having another fucking surgery.
When I 1st started seeing my pain manager after my 1st spine fusion surgery, I told him that I wanted to get off all of the pain pills, and that is what we were working on.
We had successfully gotten me off of almost all of them when we got the news that my neck vertebrae were basically killing me, and I had to have emergency surgery in 30 days or I was going to die in August 2008, and then I had the surgery on September 9th 2008.

But I was taking 320, 10/325mg Hydrocodone (pain) per month, and we got down to taking just 40 of those.
I had been taking 180, 30mg Oxycontin (pain) per month, and we got down to taking just 30 of those.
I had been taking 180, 250mg Soma (muscle relaxer) per month, and we got down to taking just 30 of those.

I had the 1st spine fusion in February 2006, and spent the 1st year doing physical therapy and adjusting to life, and then that whole 2nd year and right up until I got the news about my neck, I spent it trying to get off all of the drugs.
I was working on it, I was slowly weaning off the drugs, it was working and it was going so well.
I wasn't having any painful withdrawal symptoms because my body was still getting the drugs it wanted, it was just getting them much more spaced out, many, many hours spaced out, we were doing it the right way, and we were so close to finally being off all of them, I was almost free of the drugs.

And then I had the cervical spine fusion surgery, and they put me back on:
320, 10/325mg Hydrocodone, 180, 40mg Oxycontin, and only 30 of the 250mg Soma per month.
I don't like the Somas, they knock me out for hours and hours, and when I wake up, I'm completely confused.
I don't know what day it is, where I am, where my kids are, anything, completely and utterly confused.
They don't have the nickname "soma coma" for nothing.

On June 29th, I'm having another cervical spine fusion surgery, this one will go all the way up to my occiptal bone in my skull, a metal plate will be attached to my skull permanently, I'll have new rods and screws, I'll be in a halo brace for anywhere from 3-6 months, there's a possibility that my throat swells shut during surgery and I'll need a trach tube in order to be able to breathe, a possibility that I won't be able to eat and swallow food so I may need a feeding tube.
There is no telling what kind of drugs they are going to put me on for the amount of pain that I will be in.
I'm going to have 4 screws in my skull for 3-6 months and a contraption on my head and shoulders for that long, it's going to be annoying and painful, I'm sure the drugs will be strong and flowing, and my body will love them.
And then it will be hell to get off of them.

My body is addicted to the pain medicine that I take and I am ashamed of that.
I am also very afraid of it, I am afraid of what they are going to give me next and for how long, and afraid of what it's going to be like to get off of it all when the time comes.
Withdrawals are very, very painful, your whole body hurts and aches, your skin crawls and itches, spasms, you hallucinate, every single inch of your body and mind is in absolute hell while coming off of the drugs and I admit to being terrified of what is going to happen and it's not even time for it yet, but it's because I know that with this next surgery the drugs they are going to give me are going to be even stronger than what I am taking right now and because I know how bad my body craves what I take right now.

I hate this.
I hate it all.

Over the last 10 months now, I've been losing weight through a variety a ways.
One way has been because I was afraid to eat during the day when the teens weren't home because if I got sick, I was choking on my own vomit and almost dying, so I lost weight by not eating.
Another way has been because of the medicines I take, they just decrease my appetite, and some of them make food and drink taste absolutely terrible, so I don't even bother trying to eat when everything tastes like crap.
And since February, I've been cooking with the NuWave Oven Pro which drains off excess fats and oils, and I've lost 15 lbs.
After this next and hopefully last spine fusion surgery, I really want to get serious about my weight and lose even more weight to get down to my ideal weight which is about 140-145, so I've been reading a lot of diet pill reviews, and one that I've been reading has a lot of potential.
I read some Decaslim reviews, and it sounds very promising to help me get to my goal weight.
I look really good at 140-145, not too thin, no bones showing, but not fatty either, my face looks really good at that weight, my frame looks good, I can fit into nice clothes at that weight, and I feel good at that weight.
So, after this next and hopefully last surgery, I am going to get super serious about my weight and take off as much as I can through diet and exercise, and if I need any help, I will check out any supplement help that my doctors recommend and give it a go to get down to 140-145 and finally be at my ideal weight again.
I'm not getting any younger, I've got to get down to a good weight and stay there. 

I woke up this morning and accidentally took the wrong medicine.
Instead of taking my pain medicine, I took one of Sebastian's migraine pills.
It really messed me up very, very bad.
I was out of it all day long.
I have no idea how Sebastian handles being on that stuff all day, every day, because it made me feel like I was tripping on acid.
I could not eat anything at all, it was like the best diet pills I've ever used, I had zero appetite!!

He takes Topamax 3 times a day, and I honestly do not know how he can do it, because that stuff was like wow, some serious stuff.
I seriously felt like I was on acid.
I had the trippy vision, all the side effects that you get from acid, it was wild, I really do not know how he handles being on it.
It took me all day long to feel better, to feel like it was out of my system, and I'm still not entirely sure that it is out of my system, i still am having some vision issues from it.
At one point, I thought I was having a heart attack from it.
I was actually scared that I was having a heart attack.
I just laid in my bed all day long, I felt so bad.
I told the boys what happened when I realized what had happened about an hour after I realized what I had done.
There are just so many pill bottles on my shelf, and I have my bottles and his bottles separated, but somehow I must have grabbed his by mistake being so tired, I don't know how I could have made the mistake but I did.
I'm still not feeling totally right, I can feel it, and I'm typing not perfectly, I can see that, I mean look at how I'm typing here?
Yeah.
Ugh.

Today was a very rough day, it actually started last night and yesterday afternoon as rains moved into the area.
The titanium rods get so cold, just so so cold, it's painful and agonizing, and I just hurt over every inch of my body.
Today was so painful, I laid in bed most of the day trying to sleep, but the pain was just too much, and so instead of sleeping, I spent the day crying.

I hate this ya know, I hate this life that I live.
Every day is a struggle to move and do things, take care of my home and family, try to do what I'm supposed to, try to do it all through the pain, and some days it's just too much.

I have to have another surgery, and the thought of going through it again, dealing with more pain and more recovery time, just makes me very angry and depressed.
I hate the pain, I hate constant and never ending pain, the constant pain medications, I hate it all, every single bit of it.
There are days, much like today, that I simply don't even want to go on anymore, I want it to all just stop, I want it all to be over with.
I'm so fucking sick of being in pain, being on pain meds, being stuck in these awful and painful positions.
I'm so fucking tired, just so so fucking tired of it all.

I had my appointment with the cardiac doctor on Tuesday morning at 11am, and surprisingly, it went very well.
I was surprised it went well because I had not slept on Monday night at all, I was wake straight through from waking up Sunday, and I didn't much sleep that night either.
I only got a few hours on Sunday morning from 10:30am to 12:30pm, so yeah, I was going on very little sleep.

My friend Dustin took me, and Mark came along.
He was released early from school because he donated blood this morning.
All seniors age 17+, were allowed to donate blood, and if they did, they were allowed to be dismissed early.
He was quite pale when he came home at 10:15am, so I took him with me so we could grab something to eat on our way home that was loaded with salt, calories, and would fill him up quickly.

The cardiac doc ran all of the usual tests, BP, pulse ox, heart rate, and he listened to both my heart and lungs, and said I looked good to go.
I said what does that mean? I'm good to go for the stress test?
He said, "No, you're good to go for the surgery. You don't need another stress test, they are good for a year, and even though you had some problems during your last surgery with your heart, that had nothing to do with your heart really. After reading the surgical notations, it appears that your heart stopped because the tube used for intubation nicked your right lung on it's second run down your throat, which caused it to fill with blood, your lung collapsed, and you lost some blood. There was nothing at all wrong with your heart. Tell Dr. Moreno, that he'll have the letter for surgical clearance within 1 week. When is the surgery?"

I told him that I postponed it until June, because I wanted to be there to see my oldest son graduate high school, not be in the hospital, or if I was already out, not be wearing a halo brace to the graduation.
He said to give Mark his congratulations, and told me he would be thinking of me and get in touch after the next surgery to see how I was doing, and if we needed to do any more heart testing, or refill my BP meds again.

Yay!
I have surgical clearance from the heart surgeon!
Now I just have to get clearance from my primary care physician, pass a full physical, and I'll be good to go for surgery in June.
The nurse Cindy did call me yesterday, she has to get with Doc Moreno about the schedule for June, and she'll call me back, but it looks like possibly June 10th according to what she can see, but she needs him to tell her if I'll be an all day surgery, or a half day, and that will determine the day because of other surgeries he has scheduled for the month of June.
She said that Doc Moreno totally understood how important it is to me to be there for Mark's graduation, and to tell him congratulations.

So it looks like May will be a relaxing month, I only have that one last clearance to get, and then the week before surgery is where it gets hectic doing all of the pre-surgery blood tests, xrays, and final MRIs and CTscans, but at least the beginning of the month will be peaceful and relaxing.

So I went to my doctor's appointment this afternoon, it went very well, the new pain doc and his staff are totally awesome and understanding about everything.
They gave me my prescriptions and I headed to Walgreen's.
The pharmacist pitched a fit because the doc had written on the bottom "Please fill today, medically necessary due to patient not being able to drive."
He said when a doc writes medically necessary, that means brand name, and my insurance, Humana, will not cover brand name.
So I had to go all the way back to my doc's, get them to write on it "Generic OK", and then go back to Walgreen's.

I asked the pharmacist if they had all of them (3 scripts) in generic, he said yes.
So I sat and waited.
For 45 minutes.
My name gets called, 1 of the pain meds is NOT the generic, it costs $610.00.
I told the pharmacist waiting on me that I asked for generic, the pharmacist said he had them, so why was I being given the brand name.
He started yelling at me that the generic is out, that the pharmaceutical companies have not made them in 6 months, I said that's bullshit because I picked it up here last month, and he says to me;
"Ma'am, I'm the pharmacist, I KNOW what I'm talking about, you do not, you are not a pharmacist. They are not making the generic of these any longer, we have not had them for the last 3 months, there is no way that you picked them up here. Now, are you going to pay for these or not?"

I told him 3 times through his shouting at me, to get a manager.
The manager comes over, I told her to look up my account and tell me when I last got that med filled.
She looks it up, says last month, you picked it up here.
I looked at him and asked him if he heard the manager, he said no, so I asked her to tell him what she just told me.
He says all sarcastically, "So."
I nearly flew over the counter and punched him.
I asked for my prescription back so that I could take it elsewhere because I refused to deal with a liar for 1 minute longer.
The manager was trying to apologize, I told her I didn't want to hear it.
The guy had been yelling at me, lied to me, I wanted my script so I could go somewhere else.

I went down the street to another pharmacy, asked them if they had the generic in stock, they said yes, they filled it, and then I asked them if the company had stopped making it.
Both the clerk and the pharmacist looked at each other and laughed, told me no, who told me they had, I told them Walgreen's did, and they both said "Ma'am, he lied to you. They have not stopped making the generic, as a matter of fact, they have increased production because the 30mg ones are not being made anymore."

I knew that, that's why my doc switched me to the higher ones.
But that little jerk lied to me, yelled at me, I'm freaking pissed.
I think I'm going to take my business elsewhere from now on, Walgreen's can suck it.

Mindy didn't want to come over when her husband Chris comes to take a look at the AC tonight because she has been sick, and she doesn't want me to catch it.
I told her not to worry about it because if I tried to avoid people who are sick, I'd never be able to leave my house, or I'd have to live in a bubble.

My immune system is just shot, surgeries, medications, it's just wrecked, there's not much I can do about it.
I mean, I'd probably have to take pills the size of horse supplements for antibiotics, or some sort of antioxidant or something like that, to try and help my immune system fight off catching stuff or killing an infection when I get them.
I catch everything, nothing I can do, and I'm not going to spend my life avoiding people in order to try and avoid getting sick.
If I get sick, I get sick.
Heck, i'm sick like every other week any way.

I waited and called all day again, and kept being told that it was being worked on, but I never got the call to go get the MRI.

My sister reminded me that I still had my boot from when I fractured the same ankle 6-7 years ago, so I had Sebastian help me get it out of the closet, and I've been wearing that since yesterday evening after we came home from shopping.

Tomorrow, we have Sebastian's appointment with his neuro to go over how his migraine meds have been working for the last month, in the afternoon.
So if they call me about the MRI, they need to do it in the morning or else wait till Thursday, so I'm wearing my boot and the ace bandage until they send me in for the test.
It is still as painful as it was the first night.
Gah.

Last night sometime between 8-9pm, I went into the kitchen to throw something away, then I turned around and felt something in my left ankle snap, kind of like cracking a knuckle.
It didn't really hurt at first, so I thought it was just my ankle bone popping, no big deal.
Then an hour later, the pain started, the swelling and redness started, it was unreal pain.
I took one of my Oxycontin 40MGs, thinking that would totally kick the pain out.
It didn't.
I waited about another hour, took another pain pill, but my ankle continued to swell and change colors, continued to feel like I had been hit with a sledgehammer like in Misery.
I couldn't take it anymore at all, Mark was awake, he looked at it, and then I decided to go to the ER, it was just so so painful, I was crying, I couldn't put any weight on it at all, I couldn't even touch the skin with my fingers, my cat Kali barely swished her tail against the skin on my ankle bone, and it sent me into fits and screams.
I called an ambulance around 1:40am, and made it to the ER by 2:15am.

When we got there, the paramedics were told that they close the main ER at 1:30am during the week, we'd have to go to triage, and wait it out.
When the main ER closes, that means they have exactly 10 exam rooms open, period.
So the paramedics wheeled me to triage where I was horrified to see at such a late hour, over 50 people sitting in the waiting room.
1 medic told the nurses about me, while the other 1 helped me go from the cart to a wheelchair to wait my turn.
The medic told the nurse they didn't think it was broken, that I didn't fall, which is true, they felt it was a sprain, a non-emergency.
This meant that all those 50 people who were there before me and me, would all be seen on a who's the worst off first served basis.
Crap.

So I sat and waited, and waited, and waited.
Finally around 3:20am, I was taken back to a room where I waited some more.
At 4:30am, a doctor came in at the same time the portable xray machine came in, and he looked at my xrays while they were being done.
Then he says to me,
"This may be an occult fracture, you have all of the signs and symptoms of one, but the xrays aren't showing that, which is totally normal for an occult fracture. There is a fracture line there, but from reading your records, you were here about 6-7 years ago for a fracture in the same place. That may be the line we are seeing, an old fracture line, maybe not. We are going to treat this right now as a sprain, but I want you to call your primary care in the morning, and if it still is this painful come Monday morning, call an ortho, have you ever seen one of those? And have the ortho do more xrays and testing."

Then he tells me that a nurse will be coming by to give me 2 shots, 1 for pain, and 1 for nausea, because they are going to have to wrap my foot up tightly, that it's going to hurt really bad, and then I can go home.

An hour later, now 5:30am, a nurse came in, gave me a shot of something for pain in my right shoulder, it hit me pretty fast, but it did not stop the pain at all, it just hit my head fast, that immediate morphine swoosh of heat to your face, warmth in the arm they put it in, then the warmth traveling down the arm, across the chest, and down my legs.
I had the warmth, but none of the pain relief.
The nurse tells me I need to roll onto my left side so she can give me the nausea shot in my ass.
I could barely roll over, I tried telling her it takes me longer than most people beca..
"Oh, I know, you're in pain, it takes time to move when in pain."
No, it takes me longer to roll over because I have been fused from C1 to S1, can't move my head or neck, have to have another spine fusion that is so far scheduled for April 10th, but if this is broken, it will have to be postponed.
"Oh", she says, "Wow, car accident?"
No, scoliosis, then my vertebrae caved in on my spinal cord, now C7 needs to be taken out in order for me to be able to have my head raised up.
"Wow."

So she gave me the shot in my ass, I rolled over, and she positioned my leg up on some blankets so she could wrap my ankle.
OMG, it hurt so freaking bad!
Mark had stuffed my little tiger in my purse when the medics were first at my house, he calls it my hospital tiger, it's for me to hold onto when I'm in pain and I need to have somebody who loves me with me and they can't be.
Too freaking sweet. *tears*

When she was almost done wrapping my ankle, she said, "Ok, this is really going to hurt", and then she put her hand on the bottom of my foot and pushed it straight up to be flat, like if I was standing on the floor normally, and then she finished wrapping it up really tightly.
That hurt so bad I let out a little scream, clutched onto my tiger harder, and begged her to hurry.
She finished, gave me my release papers, and got the wheelchair for me to ride out to the main lobby so I could call a cab and come home.

I took an ambulance there, and had to cab it back, because A) it was so freaking late at night, and B) I had no one to come and give me a ride.
I would have never called anyone at that hour of night to come and get me, wait with me at the ER, and then bring me back home.
No way.

I came home, Mark was now gone to bed and Sebastian was up.
I then sent him back to bed, told him neither of them were going to school today because of what happened, Mark had been up with me all the night before I left, and while I was gone, and then they swapped places when I called at 6:10am to say I was coming home.
I waited until 7:30am to call the school and explain why the teens wouldn't be there today, and they said ok, just send my paperwork from the hospital in with Sebastian on Monday as proof of medical emergency, Mark doesn't need a note because he's done with school.
Oh, and he wasn't in any trouble for missing today, Friday, one of the days he has to be at school for his graduation test results.
They said it was ok, so cool.

I waited until 8:30am to call my primary care, and I told the nurse what happened, she said they had already gotten the fax from the ER, the doc had seen it, I was to treat it as a sprain, but if on Monday morning it still hurts as bad, still hurts to the touch, can't put any weight on it at all, to call her back and she'll send me in for an MRI to check for the fracture.

Then, after having been awake since Tuesday morning with only a 2.5 hour nap in my chair that I got on Thursday morning, I hobbled over to the couch with my cane, laid down, and didn't wake up until 1:40pm.

Oh, they didn't give me anything else for pain management because I am already taking such high doses of pain medicine.
That's fine with me, I can't imagine what they would have even tried to put me on, I'm on some heavy stuff already.
I just wish it would work for this, but it's not.
I've taken an extra one with each regular dose today to try and kill or at least numb the pain in my ankle, and it's not working.
I really believe it is fractured, it shouldn't hurt this bad, I mean come on!
I am taking 40MG OXYCONTIN for crying out loud!
I am totally stoned out of my mind right now, have ZERO back pain because of the extra dosing, but my ankle is fucking throbbing and is hurting so much I want to hack it off.

This post may be a TMI (Too Much Information) kind of post.
It involves bodily functions and girly issues.
You have been warned!
Ha!

Not the town, but maybe me.
Kidding!
But I think it is time for the good old stool softener/colon cleanser again.
About once every 2 weeks, I need to take a stool softener because of all of the pain meds I take every day.
I take 6 Hydrocodone 10/325 per day, and 4 Oxycontin 40MG per day, and all opiate pain relievers are known to cause constipation, so having to take something to get things moving along again.

Another thing I have been noticing about how the pain pills affect the body, well, a woman's body at least, is how they affect menstrual cycles.
For quite a few years when I first had to start taking heavy duty pain meds and quit working, my periods were all over the place.
I went for an entire year without one, then would have one, then nothing again for 7 months, then like a half of one, and then nothing for 6 months and so on.
My doctors were convinced that I was pre-menopausal, and that within a few years, I'd be full blown, and they'd stop all together.
Then after the first surgery, well actually, right before the first surgery, I got a period, then another while in the hospital for 18 days.
After surgery, I had regular cycles again for 1 full year, then they sorta stopped again, but then they finally evened out, and I've been having regular cycles again since the end of 2006, beginning of 2007.

But the pain meds do affect them though, they effect how heavy the flow is for the first few days.
I'm like, gushing like a slaughtered pig for the first 3-4 days of every cycle, every single month now, and then it trickles down to nothing for 2 more days, then ends for the month.
But that gushing, holy cow, I'm going through both a tampon and pad every 4 hours during those first few days.
It really sucks.

I was so sick yesterday and last night, most of this morning, and I'm just finally starting to feel better.
I don't know what it was, but man, my stomach was just wrecked, I was throwing up, cramping up, in tons of pain, and my feet that were swollen and had gone down, had started to swell again.
I managed to pull myself together to go to my new pain doctor appointment, and went for my 3:15.

It's a very strict office I'll tell ya.
They make you pay your co-pay or self pay before they see you, and there was this one guy who was $10 short of his $350.00 fee, and they turned him away, told him he had to reschedule it, they don't mess around man.
I had enough to pay my co-pay and for my scripts, but I was 2 days too early for my insurance to fill them, so I have to go back to the pharmacy tomorrow morning and pick them up before I go to my surgeon appointment at 2pm.

But anyway, the new doc is very strict but also very nice.
He took a look at my records, my CT scans from the 19th, and my blood test results, and we started there.
He said, "So you had spine fusion in 2006 from T3 to S1, wow, that's really big."
I said, "Yeah, but I just had another one, I'm now fused from C1 to S1, the whole spine."
He said, "Wow, you are the biggest spine fusion I have ever personally seen. Did you say that you're having another surgery?"
I said, "Yeah, I see my surgeon on Wednesday, and hopefully he'll have a date and a plan for what and when we're going to do. C1 and C2 collapsed after the surgery in September, my head is stuck down, I don't have much movement at all in my neck, muscle spasms in my back and legs, sometimes the spasms are so severe that if I'm sitting at my desk with my feet up and my keyboard on my lap, the spasms actually throw my keyboard clear off my lap and knock over my foot stool. But C1 and C2 were congenitally fused from birth, there's no disc space there at all, so I have no idea how he's going to fix me."
He said, "Yeah, I'm looking at your CT scan and I honestly don't know how he's going to do it, I'm not a surgeon, so I really don't know, but I can now understand why Doc R. sent you to me. You are much more complicated than the patients he usually deals with. He's a rehab pain manager, he helps people get better and get off medication, and honestly, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I don't see you coming off of medication for another 5-8 years, maybe the rest of your life based on what I'm reading in your records. You not only have had major spine fusion and another one going to happen soon, but you have arthritis, stenosis, nerve impingement, and a lot of disc damage. It could be years before anyone even thinks of taking you off of medication, or never at all. I'm sorry."
I said, "That's ok, I already knew I was bad off."

So he wrote out my scripts, added a muscle relaxer, which I hate taking because they make me sleep for anywhere from 6-8 hours, so taking those 4 times per day, I'd be sleeping all of the time, and he added Lyrica , which is for neuropathic pain.
I didn't get to pick that one up because it needed like pre-authorization or something, and I may not pick it up at all because as of right now, the Walgreen's website says it's $82.46 for just 30 pills.
That's crazy!
I refuse to pay that much for a medication that I have no idea if it will even work for me yet.
Maybe it hasn't been processed through my Humana insurance yet, but if it has and that's how much it costs, I may not pick it up at all, or I may wait until I get my tax refund back on Thursday.
I don't know yet, have to wait and see, but as of right now, it's still not ready for me to pick up anyway.
Apparently, they still don't have the authorization for it.

So tomorrow morning, I'll go pick up my pain meds, come home, and then get ready for the long ride to Safety Harbor to see the surgeon with my sister.
I'm giving Mindy the day off...LoL
Mindy does so much for me already, and she's been working hard at her cleaning business, taking care of her family, and other things, she's exhausted, so Wednesday is her only scheduled day off, so now it's really a day off for her.
I personally think she needs a nice long vacation somewhere really nice, like maybe go out to California all by herself, stay at a nice San Diego hotel, go see a few sites, and get some much needed rest.
She works way too hard and needs a good, long break.

I've made some really decent new friends over the last few weeks.
It happened sorta by accident, I met Dustin and his girlfriend Stacey through another friend, and they have just been really awesome.
They are like totally blown away by the amount of titanium I have, Dustin calls it the 'chainsaw back' because when you look at a front view of the xrays, it looks like a chainsaw blade.
But anyway, they are both just really sweet, Dustin helped me get to my doc appointment yesterday and to the pharmacy, and today, they both just stopped by to see how I was doing.
Stacey said that after my next surgery, she'll come by anytime I need help, help clean the house, help me take showers, shave my legs, brush my hair, stuff like that, because with the halo brace on, it's going to be very difficult to do things by myself.
I had been telling Dustin yesterday while sitting in the waiting room at the docs, about how awesome my teens are and have been after my surgeries, they helped me in and out of bed, in and out of the bathroom, they have even shaved my legs, brushed my hair, they do all of the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and so he told Stacey, and she was like well hell, this single mama needs help sometimes so let's help her.
I thought that was really sweet of them to even offer, and who knows, I may take them up on it sometimes if I'm having a wicked rough time after surgery.

Oh, Sebastian just went out and got the mail, and in today's mail was my settlement check from the Airborne class action lawsuit.
I got a check for $34.95.
Nice!

I woke up feeling like absolute crap this morning, I'm just having a rough time of things the last few days.
My feet have been swollen, I've been dead tired for days, and this morning I woke up with my stomach doing back flips.
I have my new pain doc appointment this afternoon, so I am hoping I can keep it together until after I go see him.
I don't want to get sick again, so I have not eaten anything at all, not even my usual yogurt.
No more puke please. hahaha

The new med, the 40MG Oxycontin, is much stronger than the 30's, much stronger.
I had a very rough night with it, I was physically sick from it, puked like 4 times, couldn't eat, was wicked dizzy.
I spent almost the whole night just laying on the couch.
I think the problem with it is because I hadn't gotten any sleep in days, I was exhausted, I hadn't eaten much at all, so it hit me super, super hard.
I am adjusting much better to it today that's for sure.
I slept all night, didn't wake up till almost noon, ate a big breakfast, and so I am handling it much better today than I did last night.

I told you on Thursday about how things went with my pain doc appointment, and that he gave me a new med, and that Walgreen's said my insurance didn't cover it, so I was only able to pick up one of the meds.
Walgreen's had a new girl working behind the counter with the pharmacist, the new girl is the one who told me that my insurance, Humana, didn't cover it.
The cost out of pocket was going to be $295.00, that's basically the price of a night's stay of some luxury hotel rooms.
Way too much.
A friend of mine called me on Friday around noon to see how I was doing, I explained how things had gone, and he said, "Kat, you cannot be without that med, you'll go through the hydros faster, you'll be in pain, I'll come pick you up after work and we'll go pick it up, you can pay me back later."
So I called all of the pharmacies that I have gone to to get price quotes, some of them sell the meds for a little less, we found that Publix pharmacy had them for $283.95, about $11.00 cheaper than Walgreen's, so we went there.
He had given me the money, I sat and waited, the lady called my name, and said that will be $240.
I was like oh wow, cool, that's less than the price quoted on the phone.
So I counted out $240.00, and handed it to her, she said "No, $2.40, 2 dollars and 40cents."
I was confused and asked, and she asked me if I was Kat Cooper at my address and phone number, did I have Humana, I said yes, she told me that my insurance covered it.
I asked her to double check it because I had been told that my insurance didn't cover it.
She checked again, it did, I paid the $2.40, and we left.
I gave my friend all of his money back, and we came home.

I called Walgreen's and complained.
I told the lady who answered the phone what had happened Thursday around noon, told her to look it up, she did, I asked why I was told my insurance didn't cover it when it did.
I had to borrow money, go all the way across town to a different pharmacy where I was prepared to pay a whole lot of money for it and it ended up being that my insurance did cover it, that it wasn't right to make me go all the way across town to do that, I'm disabled, I choose that Walgreen's because it's close enough to my home to walk home if I need to.
I asked her what went wrong, did the girl enter my name wrong, did she enter the medication wrong, enter my insurance number wrong, what happened, because it was covered.
She said she didn't know, but while we were on the phone, she entered all my info and the drug, and yup, it was covered, she apologized several times, said she didn't want to lose my business, she would make sure to pass the information on to the pharmacy manager so that the new girl can be trained better or whatever they have to do because that wasn't right at all.
$295.00 is a big mistake, my insurance costs me $20.00 per month, my co-pays for meds range between $2.40-$5.80 depending on the medication, and this one was only $2.40.
That was a big mistake, it almost cost me owing somebody a lot of money, it made me have to go all the way across town, all because somebody made a big mistake.

In today's mail, I got a packet from the new pain doc I'll be seeing on the 23rd.
Yup, he's very, very strict with his patients.
I read through it briefly, he does random drug testing of his patients for any substances that are illegal, any of the prescribed medicines are showing up in the urine in higher quantities, and it does say something about drug safes or other secure locations for the medicines.
There are 6 forms in the packet that must be signed, all of them are contracts with him and his patients.
That's fine with me.
I don't take anything I'm not supposed to, but I do take some vitamins and supplements, and I will write those down for him so he knows what I take when he does the urine tests.
Heck, I may even just bag everything up that I take, and take it in so he can see everything I take.
I don't want to upset this guy, because if you screw up with him, you are kicked out of his office, he reports you to every other pain doc in town, as well as put your name on the pharmacy watch lists as a drug abuser.
So yeah, I'll take everything I do take in, let him see it all, and follow his rules to the letter.
What all do I take?
Ok, here's everything I take every single day:
Hydrocodone 10/325 x 6 per day
Oxycontin 40MG x 4 per day
Toprol XL 25MG x 1/2 per day (heart/blood pressure med)
Cal/Mag/Zinc x 4 per day (for bone growth)
BioQuench antioxidant x 1 per day (cuz my immune system sucks)
Publix brand multivitamin w/iron x 1 per day (cuz my immune system sucks)
Publix brand Tylenol for headaches as needed (cuz pan meds don't work on headaches, surprisingly)
Publix brand stool softener as needed (opiate pan relievers block you up)
Walgreen's Wal-som sleep-aid x 1 (as needed to try and sleep)

This may be long, sorry.

I went to my pain doc appointment this morning, and let me tell you, it was just a messy day.
My pain doc does sports pain, rehab kind of stuff, general pain management, helps people wean off of pain drugs.
That was my original intent when I started seeing him in 2007, to get off of the drugs.
I had my 1st surgery, expected it to be my only surgery, so our goal was to start weaning me off of them, and we were.
I had gone from taking over 300 Hydrocodone 10/325's per month, down to just 60, and we were well on our way to being off of them completely.
Since then, I've had another surgery, (September '08) and will be having another.
The pain medications I am on are very strong, I am not going to lie to anyone about what I take.
I take Hydrocodone 10/325 8 times per day.
I take Oxycontin 30mg 6 times per day.
That was until today.
See, the pharmaceutical companies that make the Oxycontin 30's, there were 3 of them, 2 of them were told to stop making them for some reason, so that leaves 1 manufacturer to create enough supply for the entire country.
They cannot keep up with the demand.
So the Oxycontin 30's are out of the question, they cannot be gotten by any of the local pharmacies, so my pain doc prescribed me a new dose, 40mg Oxycontin, timed release, for 4 times per day.
When I went to the pharmacy to get them and the Hydrocodone 10/325's quantity 180 per month,  I was told my insurance does not cover them, they cost $295.00 out of pocket, I simply don't have the money, so I only picked up the Hydrocodone 10/325s.

Also, my pain doc does sports injuries, rehab, he works mainly on smaller injuries and helping people get better so they can stop taking medication.
Because of my surgical history, because I'll be having another surgery, he decided that he cannot continue seeing me, and he referred me to another pain doc who works with people like me, surgical patients with a history and a future history of needing more pain management than he is capable of providing.
I came home and called the new doc, made an appointment, I see him on Monday the 23rd at 3:15pm, and hopefully he can help me.

There's another reason my pain doc has decided to transfer me to another doctor.
Last month here in Sarasota, a 17 year old boy broke into a house and stole the pain medication of a man dying of cancer.
He stole several bottles of heavy duty narcotics including Oxycontn 30's.
He went home and overdosed on the pills he stole.
Please remember that part, he broke into a home, stole the medication, and overdosed on it.

His parents found his body and the pill bottles.
In their grief and anger, they decided that somebody must pay for this, so they have hired a lawyer who must have found some loophole, and they are suing the doctor who prescribed the medication.

Did you get that?!
The parents are suing a doctor who prescribed medication to his patient, the patient had his home broken into by the 17 year old, the 17 year old overdosed, and so the parents are suing the doctor for negligent homicide.

I don't understand how the parents, even the lawyer, can think this is the right thing to do.
The doctor didn't prescribe them to the 17 year old and then the kid died, the doctor prescribed them to his pateint who was dying of cancer, the 17 year old BROKE IN, STOLE the medicine, and died, and so how is it even remotely negligent homicide on the doctor's part?!?!
I don't understand why the judge hasn't throw out this lawsuit either, it's not right.
How is the doctor even remotely responsible for this kid dying?
The kid broke into a home, stole the medicine, took a lot of it and died.
It's not the doctor's fault at all, it's the kid's fault.
He was a dumb ass kid who stole medicine and took too much and died.
How the parents can blame the doctor is beyond me.
They need to bury their son and shut the fuck up in my opinion.
Their son was a thief and a drug addict, the doctor had nothing at all to do with what their kid did, and for them to sue the doc is just stupid.
Their kid was stupid and so are the parents.

But thanks to them, doctors are scared to prescribe the medication, they are afraid that if someone breaks in and steals it, that they will get sued as well.
So I'm being sent to a new pain doc with more legal stuff than he has, more doctor/patient contracts than he has, he may even use medicine safes that can only be opened on a timer by the patient, and if opened at the wrong time, and alarm sounds at his (the doctors) office, and the doctor calls the patient to check on why they are opening it at the wrong time.
I don't know for sure, but that may be what I am in for at this new doctor.
In the mean time, I only have one of my medications because my insurance doesn't cover the other one, I can't afford to pick it up, my tax refund still isn't in, so I may end up having to wait until I get that money to pick it up, or wait until the 23rd when I see this new doctor, and he will have to prescribe me something that my insurance does cover.
I haven't been feeling all that well between the fall and just generally sick, so my pay that I just got a few minutes ago by paypal, isn't even close to being enough to pick it up either.
Nothing I can do but wait it out, hope the one med will be enough to get me through until I either get the money or get a new script.

If any of my doctors asked me to sign a contract to not post any reviews about them anywhere online, I don't know if I'd want to sign it.

There are new radical changes in the doctor patient relationship.

While more and more people use the internet to find a doctor, they are also reading patient reviews of that doctor.

There are now dozens of websites with comments on more than 200,000 physicians across the country.

But some doctors are sick of this, saying the sources are often anonymous - and they are unreliable.

Some are going so far as to insist their patients sign a contract that they will not post any reviews online.

I love my doctors, I think they are great, I finally have a pain management doctor who understands my situation, isn't making me take crazy medicines like weekly testosterone injections like the last guy did, he doesn't freak out over the high white cell count or the high blood pressure like the last one did either, and he is the doctor who found the thing wrong with my neck, the vertebrae closing in on my spinal cord killing me, he saved my life.
And my surgeon, he continues to be one of the most caring and compassionate doctors I've ever been a patient of, and I've seen literally over 2 dozen different doctors and surgeons in the last 10 years before finding him.

If they asked me to sign a contract to not talk about them online, I'd have to ask why because I have nothing but glowing praise for them.
I understand that others may not and that's why some doctors are now wanting these contracts, but wouldn't a doctor want a patient like me who has nothing but good to say about them on a possible forum where others may be badmouthing them?
I'd sign it if I had to choose between signing it and being allowed to see them anymore, but I don't think it's right that doctors may be forcing patients do sign these kinds of contracts.

It started getting cold here again, while other people up north are getting snow, we're getting the cold that usually accompanies it.
I could barely move, heck, I can still barely move.
I really hate the cold weather, this is Florida dammit, it's not supposed to be or get cold here.
I had to go out a few times to get some stuff, and I only have sandals that I can wear, I still have a ton of trouble putting on any shoes, sneakers, my combat boots, so all I can wear are my sandals.
It was so cold, I was wishing I had a pair of those fluff or is it wool(?) lined UGG boots.
They aren't that pretty looking, but my feet were freezing, and I was so wishing I had a pair of winter boots that I could wear.
Those Uggs just slide on from what I hear, so they wouldn't be as hard for me to put on.
My feet are still are freezing and I have the space heater on.
No socks, I can't put those on either, so I have ths space heater aimed right at my feet and they are still so cold.

I was so miserable the last few days, my joints and muscles are all stiff and sore, and I've been in so so much pain, that I dug around in my drawer and looked in my little lock-box where I found a bottle of Somas that the pain doc prescribed to me months ago, but I hate taking them because they make me sleep and feel all yucky, but I was hurting so bad and couldn't move, so I took one and promptly passed out for 4 hours today.
When I woke up, I couldn't even think straight for like 4 hours after, I felt completely out of it, I felt strung out, and I absolutely hate that. 

I also found out today that the medicine that my pain doc prescribes me every month is no longer available.
I have my Walgreen's account set up to notify me of changes with any of the medicines that I take, price increases, when generics become available, and discontinuations.
Today, I received an alert that the pain medicine Roxicodone 30mg, is going to become far more difficult to fill by any pharmacies in the entire US.
There were only 3 manufacturers in the US, and 2 of them got shut down about 2 months ago, and the third is having extreme difficulties keeping up with the demand from doctors and pharmacies, because the compounds to make them are becoming scarce.
No explanation was given for the 2 manufacturers having to shut down, but what this means is, that the pain doc and I are going to have to find me a medication that works exactly like those did.
After getting the notice, I called my Walgreen's that I usually pick them up at, and CVS, Bee Ridge Pharmacy, and about 20 of the Publix pharmacies between North Bradenton and Venice, and just for the hell of it, asked them all if they had any leftovers in stock or if they'd be getting any more shipments of them by the 12th.
Every single pharmacy said no, they were out, not getting any more shipments, and quite a few of them explained about the manufacturers shutting down and the only one left having trouble keeping up with demand.
A few of the pharmacies even told me to tell my doc to stop writing scripts for them because there is no way any pharmacy in the whole state is going to have any left in stock at all, and if they have some right now, they probably won't by the end of the week.

That really sucks, it's the only pain med out of about 30 that we tried, that actually worked really well and didn't mess with my head at all.
I hate the pain meds that screw up my head and my thinking, I hate that strung out feeling a wicked lot, hate it with a passion, and now we're going to have to try and find another med that works really well.
Maybe he can just prescribe me the lower doses, the 15mg or the 20mg, those are still being made, and he can just have me take more of them to equal the dose that I was taking, the 30mg.
If he prescribes me the 15's, I can just take 2 of those at a time and get the same effect.
I hope that we can do that instead of having to try an all new medicine, I think I've tried almost all of them, and almost all of them just screwed with my head so bad I couldn't function, I felt paranoid, my skin crawled, no one could touch me, I couldn't put my legs together while sleeping because it made my skin feel all itchy and crawly.
I really, really hope that that's what we can do.  

Here it is, a little after 4am on Saturday morning, and I'm still wide awake.
I honestly haven't slept much even though I was completely worn out from doing too much on Wednesday, and then feeling like I came down with something.
But I think I know what it is that is making me feel like complete crud, the cat urine.
Carmine's been peeing repeatedly on the carpet under my bed, it's just been soaking in, marinating if you will, and stinking like ammonia.
Ammonia can make you feel sick, it can clog up your nose, make you cough and gag, and yup, that's how I've been feeling for a few days.
I'll be so glad when the teens and I rip out the carpet in there today.

Here's the plan for today.
Wake up.
Eat something for breakfast.
Take a walk to CVS to get Sebastian his new migraine meds.
Come home and start tackling the bedroom carpet. To do this, the teens and I will need to dig out all of the boxes of stuff I have under the bed, salvage anything that can be saved if it's not all completely soaked in cat urine, and throw away anything that can't be saved.
Take off all my bedding and start the washer.
Take off and stand up the mattress and box spring up against the wall/closet doors.
Stand up the frame against the wall/closet doors too.
Move the alarm clock. table lamp, and filing cabinet/nightstand.
Move the bed risers to the tub to be washed in bleach.
Get the box cutter and garbage bags.
Start cutting away the carpet and padding underneath.
Bag it all up and throw it out in the trash cans.
Get a bucket of hot water with a combo of bleach and Clorox Green all purpose cleaner.
Scrub the bedroom floor.
Scrub it again.
Scrub it again.
Wash the floor 1 last time with the bleach/green cleaner combo, then let dry.
Then wash down the floor with Urine Gone and Pee Gone.
Let dry and do it again.
Re-wash bathroom and kitchen floors with the combo of Urine Gone and Pee gone, as well as Mark and Sebastian's bedroom floors after they clean all of the junk out from under their beds, throw away anything that may have been peed on, clean all of the floors thoroughly with the combo cleaners and let dry.
After all the floors are dry, set my bed back up.

The bathroom needs a deep clean again too after our mini-flood this past weekend.
I need to get in there and scrub the floor, the toilet, the tub, and the sink.
I think I'm going to have to replace the bathroom sink faucet really soon.
The "hot" knob, is starting to have to be turned really, really far to get it to shut off.
This is a sign that the threads are wearing down, and if I don't replace it soon, we're going to have a big problem.
I'm wishing I could afford to get a nice new Hansgrohe faucet set, but may have to settle for the clearance bin at the local hardware store.
Yes, I know, the landlord should replace it at his cost, but if I just go ahead and do it, don't bother him, he deducts it from the rent if I give him the receipt.
I like to not bother him with stuff I can do myself, he's a sheriff, a father of two young kids, his weekends are important to him, plus, he's been spending almost every weekend for the last 6 months trying to repair the damage my old duplex neighbors did so he can rent it out again.
Anyway, this is the faucet that is in there right now, and I'm pretty sure by looking at it, that it's the exact same faucet that they installed when they built the house in like 1979.
You can click it for bigger if you really want to see how bad it is.



















Oooh! I found a whole bunch of them on sale!
W00t!
I like this one, and this one, and this one too!
Those prices aren't too bad at all!
For some reason, I thought they were going to be crazy high prices, I've seen faucets before that cost well over $200, and there's no way I'd spend that much on a faucet in an apartment that I rent.
Now if I owned my own home, yeah sure, but not a rental.

Oh gosh!
I started writing this post at 4:10am, and it's now 5:02am!
I got so busy looking at all of the bathroom sink faucets, I completely lost track of time hahahah!

I got sick this morning around 10:30am, nausea and dry heaves because I hadn't eaten anything at all, and so I was standing over the porcelain god dry heaving my guts out for like 5 minutes.
Because of the way my head is stuck, I have serious issues with being sick, I choke on my own vomit, but like I said, I hadn't eaten anything, so it was just dry heaves.

But I was standing there hovering over the bowl, and the blood was rushing to my head, and my chest started to feel like it was on fire.
When I finally stopped, I stood up and looked in the mirror, my entire face was red, my eyes were red and watery, and my chest still felt like it was on fire.
I was wicked dizzy and suddenly exhausted.
I pulled the neck of my shirt down to take a look at my chest, and it was like all the little veins and arteries had like exploded in my chest.
It was all red, splotchy, little dots everywhere, and I was literally passing out.

I made it to the couch, managed to get the blanket on me, and then I just fell asleep.
I didn't wake up till the teens came home at 2:38pm, and I told them that I just needed to sleep.
I didn't wake up again till a little after 4pm, Oprah was on, that's how I knew what time it was.
But I slept the entire day, I was just absolutely drained, had no energy at all.
My chest is all clear now, same as my face, but I don't know why that happened to begin with.
I've been taking my blood pressure meds every day like I'm supposed to, but I have a feeling that whatever it was that happened, happened because of my blood pressure and heart issues.
I need to get it looked at and taken care of so that it doesn't interfere with my next surgery.
I don't want to go through that whole no surgical clearance mess again.

Once again, I am all backed up from both of the narcotic pain relievers I take up to 10 times per day.
It's now been 14 days since I've had any movement of the bowels.
This is an awful thing to go through, those of you who have ever been constipated know exactly what I mean.
You're all backed up, you feel bloated, full, you have to go, you always feel like you have to go, but you can't no matter how hard you try.
And the harder you try, the more it hurts.
The longer it goes on, the worse you feel.
It's all just sitting right there, you can feel it sitting there, you push and you push, and nothing comes out, it's like so solid, it feels like there's rocks sitting in your anus, and if you try to push them out, it hurts, you may end up with hemorrhoids from pushing so hard, you may even bleed a little.
It becomes so backed up and full in there, that even sitting on a chair causes your butt to hurt.
It sucks to be completely honest.

I was telling my son Mark about this last night at bedtime, he asked why I kept going into the bathroom so much, was it because of my blood pressure meds which make me pee like a race horse on lasix, I told him no, explained about the backed up plumbing, and he laughed, he thought it was absolutely hysterical that I can't poop.
I said you just wait buddy, someday when you're older, your poop isn't going to come out either, and when it happens and you call up your mommy to find out what to do, I'm going to laugh hysterically for a really long time before I tell you how to treat it.
That made him laugh even harder, that I would wish constipation on him.
Boys always think that poop is a funny subject even if it's painful.

Well today was the final straw, I couldn't take another day of being all backed up with hard as rock poop, so when the teens came home from school, Sebastian and I walked to Publix where I picked up some stool softeners and some more food stuffs, and then we walked back home, I put the groceries away, and popped 3 of those little poop softening gel caps in my mouth, and washed them down with a huge slurp from the straw in my Diet Pepsi.
It says take 1-3 gel caps per day, and within 12-72 hours, the poop will be soft enough to move on out.
I'm evicting it, it has 3 days to get out, or I will take even more of them and force it out by whatever means necessary, and if that means an enema, then so be it.
I really don't want to have to do an enema, I'm really not a fan of those, but one must do what one must do to get relief from the stone poops.

I hope that when I go back to see my surgeon on the 25th of March, that he's picked a date for the revision surgery, and that it's as soon as possible.

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, posting about all of the things that are going on with me, my health, the pain I'm always in, the stress of all of my health problems, and the things that people have said about me.
I know it's all too much, I'm sure that people are sick of reading about it all, I'm sick of posting about it all, I'm sick of thinking about it all, sick of dealing with all.
That's my biggest problem, having to think and deal with it all.

I can't do it anymore, I'm about ready to explode.
I just want to scream, I want to rage and lash out at everyone, I'm so so sick of all of it.
I've lost my faith and trust in people, even people I've known for a long time.
I'm feeling anxious and stressed out, almost becoming paranoid, I don't know who to trust anymore.
I feel like I'm just steps away from a complete mental breakdown.
I'm not sleeping, I'm barely eating, and when I do eat, it's just small bits of junk food, sugary things, I'm comfort eating and I hate doing that because it's so bad for me and my health, but I don't really know how to cope with all of it anymore.

I have so much going on, so many things to think about, worry about, make decisions that will affect my son's lives again in a big way, and I don't think I can do that to them again.
I don't want to put them through it again, but I can't live like this anymore.
I'm not ok, I'm just not ok.
And I feel like I can't talk to the usual "friends" I would normally talk to because I don't feel like I can trust them anymore.
I'm falling apart and have no one I can talk to, I don't trust anyone anymore and I hate that!
I just want to go away, just get away, all by myself, or just take a wicked long break, but I can't.
I can't afford to take a break, I have to stay and keep working, and working, and dealing with all of it all of the time.
I have bills to pay, doctors to pay for, tests and medicine.
I work just to pay for doctors and medicine, just so I can get by, so I can try and get better, but every minute of every day that I'm sitting here working and having to deal with everything and everyone, I hate it more and more, and I am starting to feel hatred welling up inside of me.
Hate for everything and everyone.
I'm falling apart and I can't stop it from happening.
I've tried, I'm still trying, but 1 minute I'm sitting here getting angry, and the next minute I'm bawling my eyes out over it all, because I can't trust anyone, can't talk to anyone, and I can't stop it, I have to just keep going, just keep doing what I have to do to take care of my sons and work so I can pay bills and doctors.
I'm so tired of everything and everyone, and I can't stop, I can't take a break, I can't not keep going no matter how badly I want to, and the anger, hate, fear, worry, stress and tears, just keep piling up inside of me and there's nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do about any of it but hope that this all passes, hope that somehow I get through it all.
I hate you, I really truly hate you, and I hate that I hate you, and I hate feeling like this.
It's so ugly, it's ugly and nasty, and I don't like myself for feeling like this at all.

I was so busy being stressed out about things, that I forgot to update how it went at the pain docs yesterday Friday. (lost track of time too, obviously)

First, his dog, Holly, is ok.
One of her back legs is badly broken, she had to have an operation, has pins and screws in her leg, a couple of broken ribs, and something else, but she's fine.

The nurse took me in the room, asked me to tell her what was up, so I told her everything that happened during surgery and after, and she wrote it all down, told me the doc would be in in a few minutes.
The doc came in, started reading, and then asked me again what happened, so i explained it all to him.
I told him that I had to have another surgery, and showed him that my head doesn't move, about the possible surgery options that my surgeon has, and everything else.

We talked about it all for a bit, he said that if I do end up with a trach tube, that we will work out a way for me to be in contact with his office without having to speak cuz I won't be able to.
He said he'd probably give me his cell number or one of the nurse's cell numbers, and that way I could just text them when I need to make appointments, or if I'm having any severe pain or other troubles.
He wrote out the scripts for the meds I take and actually gave me more than my surgeon was giving me, so that we don't run into any more running out issues.
My surgeon was only giving me my meds by the week, that's all he's allowed to do by law, but the pain doc can do them monthly and even 3 months at a time if need be, but he's got me scheduled to come back in 1 month several days before I am due to run out.

So yeah, all better now, things with my doc are going to work out, he's going to help me as much as he can, he'll help me with the trach tube and not being able to speak, the feeding tube if I need help with it because my surgeon is far away, and my pain doc is local and could get to my house in like 5 minutes if anything bad should happen.

Things are going to be ok.

I went for my daily walk just a bit ago, all the way up to the corner store and back, I needed to get a loaf of bread anyway, and I was craving chocolate, so I grabbed a snickers too.
Yum.

When I got back, I checked the mail box, which amazingly, has not been hit by a car again in a good long while, (knock on wood) and in today's mail, I got our new Netflix movies, Hancock and Repo! The Genetic Opera.
The teens want to see Hancock, and I want to see Repo!
It looks sorta interesting and it's got good reviews on Netflix.
I also got my dvd that I ordered with my Buy.com gift certificate from a shopping mix-up, the Poltergeist (25th Anniversary Edition).
I have always loved that movie, it's been digitally remastered, and it's just a classic, plus, I had to spend the rest of the gc, it was only $6.00, so I said why not.

Then I saw it.
A jury duty summons.
I can't serve jury duty.
A) I can't get all the way to Venice every day, no car, no driver's license, and B) medically, I'm just in no shape to do it.
I take heavy duty pain meds 24/7, I have doctor's appointments up the wazoo all of the time, and I cannot sit in the same spot for hours on end every day.
I am constantly having to get up, walk around, lay down etc, so yeah, I cannot serve jury duty.
I'm all about doing my civic duty and all of that, but I can't do jury duty, not right now, it's physically impossible for me to get there and sit there all of the hours that would be needed.

Who needs diet pills that work when you have pain pills that do work, but also shred your stomach so bad, that no matter what you eat, it's guaranteed to come back out within 20 minutes?

My surgeon prescribed me some really strong percosets, and they do work for the pain, but oh man, they just shred my stomach something fierce.
I end up with wicked bad cramping, nausea, vomiting, and the poops.
My stomach simply cannot handle those meds any more.
After 10+ years of taking really strong pain killers with acetaminophen added in high doses, my stomach is just trashed.
I've spent the entire week without back pain, but with horrible stomach issues.
I know that my pain doc will give me the other strong meds that don't contain any acetaminophen at all, so I won't have this sickness that I've been dealing with all week long now.
2:45pm tomorrow cannot get here fast enough.

I finally got through to my doc.
Their number is correct, but Comcast cable *accidentally* disconnected them over the weekend, and it took until 1pm today for Comcast to fix the error.
He can't see me right away, but I will be seeing him on the 10th.

My surgeon called in 1 new med yesterday, and it's starting to help, not great, but it's starting to, so that's a good thing.
They also mailed me 1 that is stronger.
Certain pain meds cannot be called in because they are strong narcotics, so the scripts have to be mailed, they mailed it out on Monday, so it should be in tomorrow's mail.

We are in a cold spell and another 1 is on the way. There's another freeze warning for tonight, which sucks, but I'll just throw another blanket on top of my comforter and use the space heater if it gets too cold. 

I met with my surgeon again this afternoon, it was a hellish adventure even getting there.
I missed the exit by 2 exits, called people for directions, and ended up going all over fucking Tampa, Hillsborough, Land O' Lakes, Ocala, and several other places before finally arriving there over an hour late.
Lucky for me my doc is a super understanding guy, and that Mindy has the patience of a saint, because I was thisclose to murdering the next person who gave us fucked up directions.


The good news is that he can fix my neck issues, but no date yet.
He wants to wait 2 more months, talk with some other specialist surgeons in this field, he's sending me for another MRI, another CT scan, and back to my pain manager doc until we pick a date for the surgery.

The bad news is that fixing my neck comes with a great deal of risks.
I have to decide if I'm willing to take those risks, and it's a great deal to think about, actually, it's overwhelming.

He has only 2 possible ways of fixing me, and they both come with the exact same risks.
There is a 10% chance of total paralysis, about a 10% chance of not being able to breathe on my own for about 3 months, I would end up having a trach tube installed, that hole thing they put in people's necks.
Other patients who have had this type of revision surgery have had the breathing issue, but after a few months, they are able to breathe on their own again.
And I WILL be in a full halo brace for a minimum of 3 months.

If things go wrong, I would end up being cared for by others for either just a few months, or for the rest of my life.
This is a lot to deal with, it's a great deal to take in, absorb, so I'm really hoping that after he talks with other specialists, that they will have a better idea of how to proceed, maybe another idea with a little less risks.
He did multiple xrays, he also took some still photos and a short video with his cell phone camera, so he can show the other surgeons my range of motion issues that I'm having, just how far my head is stuck down etc.

So anyway, forgive me if I'm not super miss happy go fucking jolly for a few days, I need some time to take this all in and adjust to what I learned today, and be hopeful that he can come up with a better plan, a better way to fix me with less risks.

I've been dealing with back pain, chilly weather, cold spines, swollen ankles, hurting ankles etc, and today I go see my surgeon, so I'm hoping I'll have good news when I get back.

I've taken my shower, just need to put on my clean clothes and attempt to do something with my hair.
Just having a slightly freaked out day, pain, stress, argggh,

  We all went over to Mindy's house yesterday afternoon and evening, for her son's 18th birthday party and bbq with family, and it was a wicked great time, but I'm suffering today.
Jeff turned 18, made out like a bandit in the ol' cash department, the food was awesome, company awesome, but I totally stayed too long, sat awkwardly on furniture, and I'm paying for it.

With limited pain meds until Wednesday, I can't double up to knock it out, so I'm stiff and sore and suffering badly.
I'll manage, but ugh it sucks a fuckload.

I am still losing my hair.
Every single day when I brush it, wet or dry, my hair is still falling out in clumps, huge clumps just coming out in my brush, falling out on the floor, falling out when I shampoo it, just falling out.
I know it's not because of taking any weight loss pills, because I haven't taken any of them since before my neck surgery, so I honestly cannot figure out why.
I haven't asked my doc yet because my appointment on the 9th got rescheduled to the 24th because I didn't have a ride, so I'll have to talk to him about it then.

So for now, I'm stepping back up my supplement intake.
I'm taking a multivitamin once a day, I'm taking an extra B vitamin, and I'm also ramping back up my cal/mag/zinc + vitamin D intake to 4 times per day.
I need to take that anyway for good bone growth, my vertebrae need to fuse nice and solid so that I can have the revision surgery, heal up a bit more, but taking that one also helps with hair health.
 
"Research supports the fact that it may never be too late to supplement with calcium, especially in the elderly.
A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that calcium and Vitamin D supplementation not only slowed bone loss, but also helped maintain optimum bone mass in women over the age 69.
From a cosmetic standpoint, there is anecdotal evidence from hair salons, day spas and other cosmetic venues that report this Cal Mag Zinc formula has been instrumental in helping to strengthen hair and nails."

I've taken cal/mag/zinc + vitamin D for years now, and that may be the #1 reason that my hair and nails always grow long and very quickly.
People always ask me how I get my nails to grow so long and hard, and i always tell them that it's because of the supplements I take, so with my hair falling out the way it has been since the surgery, I really need to get back up to taking it at the maximum dosage that my body can handle.
Too much of it, and you end up with stomach issues, the body doesn't digest what it can't use, so they come back out. haha
But I cannot stand losing my hair like this, it's so thin these days, every brushing or combing, and it just falls out, I lost enough in this morning's brushing to make a wig for a small child.
It's awful.
I sat on the couch this morning brushing my hair and crying.
It's awful.

I feel like my belly is protruding, distended, puffed out because, well, this could very well be a TMI (too much information) post.
I'm constipated.
See, opiate pain relievers constipate you, there is no way around this other than to take some sort of stool softener.
I don't recommend taking a laxative if you have to take opiate pain relievers because laxatives work too well, and then you never get out of the bathroom, but you always forget to buy stool softeners until it's too late, until you're well on your way to full blown discomfort.
And every single time this happens, while I'm sitting there on the cold porcelain, I always, always, think of the movie Trainspotting, and the line the main character Mark "Rent-boy" Renton played by Ewan McGregor, narrates after he's decided to stop doing heroin and has had to settle for some morphine suppositories as his "last hit".

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: [narrating] Heroin makes you constipated. The heroin from my last hit was fading, and the suppositories had yet to melt.
[moans loudly, doubles over]
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: I'm no longer constipated.

The scene that follows is truly hysterical as he has to run and find a bathroom, and finds the worst toilet in all of Scotland.
It's a foul and disgusting scene, but as I'm sitting there in my bathroom scolding myself for not buying some Senocot or something, I think of that scene and laugh.

I don't understand why it just keeps falling out.
I can just run my hands through it and strands come out, I wash it and clumps come out, I condition it, and even more clumps come out.
I brush it after showering, and even more clumps come out.
My hair used to be incredibly thick and long, and now it's all thin and it just keeps falling out.

I don't understand why.
Why does it keep coming out?!
It won't stop, this makes me so incredibly sad, I'm losing my hair rapidly and it will not stop.
Every time I shower, more and more and more of it just keeps coming out.
This is today's loss.
These are clumps that fell out when I started shampooing, then clumps from when I conditioned it, and then finally when I brushed it.
I gathered up all of the clumps from the tub and the clumps from my hair brush, and from what fell on the floor, it's so much hair, and this happens every single time.
Why?!?!
How can I make this stop?!

I'm really starting to get annoyed with Walgreen's pharmacy crappy customer service.
I have been a customer for 11 years, I have been taking narcotic pain relievers for 10 of those 11 years, and getting them filled at multiple branches of their stores.
Sometimes I've gone to my closest and most frequented branch, and they won't have my med, so they call another one, and then I have to go pick up my med at that other branch, but I have always had my scripts filled with them unless there is an issue with the computers, the insurance, or they don't have my med in stock.
I'm a faithful customer thanks to my scoliosis and surgeries.

But here's what happened today.
My sister came down to take me to one branch of Walgreen's that always has a particular pain med in stock, my niece Skye was going to stay here with the teens while we went, but it should have only taken us 30 minutes tops, and I would have been able to come back and at least spend 20-30 minutes with Skye, see her smile, laugh, and fall in love with the stop motion classic Christmas movies I have.
The only movie the girls have seen is Frosty the Snowman, but I have all of the old classics, Rudolph, Santa Claus is coming to Town, and The Little Drummer Boy.
I bought them on VHS about 15 years ago, when my boys were just babies, and we have watched them every year at xmas.
It's far better to watch them on VHS when you have small kids instead of broadcast television, there are no stupid commercials in between.

Anyway, we were only supposed to be gone a half hour, tops, but after dropping my script off, being told it would be about 20 minutes, wandering around Walgreen's and buying stuff, the pharmacy tech tells me they can't fill my script for the oxys on a Saturday because they have to confirm the script with my surgeon, not his on call doctor.
I asked if this is a new policy, because I have been filling this script at their store almost every single month, on either a Saturday or a Sunday because my surgeon mails it out on Thursday, and I usually always get it on Saturday and fill it.
He said no, not a new policy, so I asked him to check last month's fill date and look up what day it was because I know it was a Saturday.
He checks, confirms that yup, it was filled on a Saturday but shouldn't have been, and now he has to report that tech for filling it on a weekend without speaking to the prescribing doctor.

So now I'm pissed, I don't have my pain meds and I need to have them because my lower dose pain meds will not be filled until Monday, and there is simply no way that I can go the weekend without the pain meds.
I cannot move without them, I can't eat or I get sick, I get wicked leg and back spasms, basically, my body goes into withdrawals, and let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight or a fun experience to go through pain med withdrawals.
You get very, very ill, very quickly, like as soon as they wear off, your body starts withdrawals and it is quite painful, and getting med sick is probably the most agonizing thing to experience.
I hate the withdrawals, and whenever we finally do decide to take me off all of the pain meds, if my doctors ever do decide to take me off of them, I will have to be given some type of help with weaning off of them, possibly even rehab because of how severe the withdrawals are.

My sister knows this, and so she asks me if there is any other pharmacy I can go to that won't have the same Saturday policy, so we head down to the Publix out on Bee Ridge and Cattlemen, and they had absolutely no problem filling them because I've been a customer there before, and the neck brace and downward facing head kinda give it away that I have a legitimate need to have the medicine.
They filled it, but it's now been another 40 minutes, we've now been gone for a little over an hour, much longer than we wanted to be gone, and my sister needs to take me home, pick up Skye, and go home herself.
She has things to do in her own life that don't involve her having to drive me to multiple pharmacies in the city because Walgreen's decided to be dickheads today.
She came down here from way up in north Bradenton, to specifically take me to get my meds.
It takes her about 30 minutes to get from her house to mine, and she was doing this as a favor to me because she knows I need the meds and don't have transportation all of the time.

When we got back here, Sebastian had already watched Santa Claus is coming to Town with Skye, she loved it just as I knew she would, I didn't get to take any pictures of her, hug her, play with her, nothing.
I very rarely get to see my nieces because of how far away from us they live, so time is very precious when they do come over, and thanks to Walgreen's being dickheads today, I missed out on another good visit with my niece.
 
I know that Walgreen's has filled this particular script on the weekends plenty of times before, not just last month, but for the last 3 months, since my surgery, and actually, well before that too because my pain doc also gives me this same exact med every month.
It pisses me off that they wasted my time.
They confirmed they had it in stock, said they would fill it, made me wait 20 minutes, then tell me they won't fill it even though they have been filling it every single month on a weekend before.
If they do indeed have a policy to not fill a certain class narcotic on the weekends, he should have never told me that they would fill the script.
He said absolutely nothing to me about having to speak to the prescribing doctor.
I'm going to just switch all of my meds over to Publix pharmacies because of this crap, and let them have all of my business from now on which is a whole lot.
I take 3 different narcotic pain meds every month, 1 blood pressure med, 1 heart med, 2 different muscle relaxers, and an antibiotic every month.
I spend a great deal of money on medications, some covered by insurance and some not.
One of my pain meds is not covered, and it costs me $238.00 every month to fill it, and the covered ones still have co-pays, so I spend about $350 per month on just the co-pay medications, the non-covered one is $238.00, and not to mention all of the general shopping I do while I wait for them to be filled which can vary from just a few dollars up to about $100 if they have things I can't get elsewhere, or don't feel like getting elsewhere.
If it isn't dumb shit like this so-called policy, it's downed computers, not being able to contact the insurance companies, refusing to fill because the insurance on file was mistyped by one of their own staff, all kinds of problems, so I'll just switch to a Publix pharmacy that I know doesn't have any of these issues, give them my business and my money, and Walgreen's can go fuck themselves.

When I got home today, I grabbed the mail and found a huge envelope from medicare.
I walked in the house, sat down, and tore it open to find a 15 page summary of every single medical test and xray, ctscan, and an item by item cost of my surgery and stay in the hospital.
I read through all 15 pages, checked out what was actually billed, what medicare is paying for, and what I may eventually be billed for.
It's frightening the amount I could end up paying every single doctor, nurse, and person who came in and cleaned my room.
Terrifying.
The image below is a picture I took of just one part of the bill, and only one part of the actual surgery.
The actual surgery bills are broken down into 8 different billing sections, it almost appears as though they billed by the hour and what they did during that hour.
This was section 3 of the surgery bill, and the total for just this one section comes to $32,850.00.
Yes, just one of the 8 billing sections is $32,850.00.
The total of my 9 day stay in the hospital comes to $579,750.00.
The total of what I may be billed comes to $225,500.00.

Holy. fucking. shit.

It was so cold in the house last night, and I wasn't feeling well to begin with, but I didn't take a shower like I normally would have to help my body be able to rest.
It would have taken the hot water tank far too long to heat up the water.
I really wish we had a tankless water heater in this duplex.
It wouldn't have taken long to heat the water up, and I really could have used a long hot shower.
My joints were suffering something fierce last night, the pain meds weren't helping me at all either.
I just laid there tossing and turning, my hips, knees, and ankles were swollen and inflamed from the cold, and if I had been able to take a long hot shower, it would have reduced the inflammation so I could sleep.

I can't take any Advil or NSAIDS because they interfere with bone growth, and my fusion needs to be solid, so all I can take are the pain meds.
I even tried to use the heating pad, but it's not big enough to cover each joint at the same time.
So I grabbed the space heater and plugged it in in my room, and tried to heat up my room enough to help my body stop suffering so badly.
It helped a little bit, I managed to get about 10 minutes of sleep every hour, so I'm hoping that tonight I'll be able to sleep better.
I found a bunch of blankets, and they are in the washer now, so I'm just going to layer them on my bed and hope that all of the layers will help keep my body warm and not cause my joints to get inflamed.

I have spent the last few days trying to recover from cleaning up all that water mess that the septic tank created.
I have been having some really severe muscle cramps and nerve spasms too which are quite worse that muscle spasms.
I had to go get my prescription at Walgreen's this afternoon, and while siting there waiting,  my body was literally shaking from the spams.
There were two people sitting waiting with me, and every time my body jerked, they kinda got freaked out.
I couldn't stop the spasms from happening.
If you get a nerve spasm in your leg, not only does your leg jerk, but it sends waves of spams through your whole body.
I was so embarrassed, but I knew there was nothing I could do, but I bet I sure did look totally pathetic.
If there had been something I could hide behind like some  bamboo shades  or a giant floppy hat and sunglasses, I would have.
It was absolutely embarrassing sitting there and having a nerve or muscle spasm in my arm or legs, and having people stare at me.
I had my neck brace on, my hair hadn't been brushed, and my whole body was doing the herky jerky.
I wonder what they thought was wrong with me.

I feel like crap still.
The last few days have just been miserable for me.
On top of my neck surgical issues, I have a cold that is making me just absolutely miserable.
I have just been laying on the couch curled up in my blanket, sipping on some juice, eating yogurts and jello, just trying to stay hydrated, and trying to keep some food in me to help me get over this.

I really can't wait to start feeling better so I can go and do the things I need to do.
I really would like to be able to go grocery shopping so I can get more food in the house that the teens can cook easily.
I also need to go get a pedicure in a bad way.
My toes are in dire need of rescue.
I also would like to go and get started on the DNA testing that I need to have done which will help the doctors be able to better help me.
If I can get an accurate diagnosis for either Townes-Brock syndrome or Riley Day syndrome, my doctors would be able to get me on the correct medications to help me feel better at least.
If they know for sure what is wrong with me, they will be able to help me.
I'm so tired of being sick.
I've spent years and years being in pain, getting sick constantly, having blood pressure issues, swallowing issues sometimes even with just liquids, the way my toes are formed, the issues with my back, my arthritis etc etc etc.

I just want to finally start feeling better, feeling normal.
Spending all of this time being sick or in pain or whatever, has just sucked.
At times I get severely depressed over it all.
Like this morning, I was just laying in my bed just bawling my eyes out over all of this.
I hate my life right now.
I hate all of this crap, I feel like a complete loser because I can't do anything anymore.
I can't cook much, I can't clean much, I can't do hardly anything, and I'm so freaking over it all.
I'm supposed to tell my doctors when and if I start getting depressed so they can help me.
I don't want to take an anti-depressant, I know that's what they would do.
They would put me on another med to alter my moods and I don't want that.
What i want is my life back.
Hell, I just want a life that sorta resembles what I had 8+ years ago.
I want to be happy, to go out with friends, to be able to play and have fun, live.
I just want to be ok.

*Post has been updated at the end*

I received an email from Mindy this morning, (I went back to bed after the teens left, woke up way later) and she let me know that I had been chosen to get the bloggers helping bloggers portion ($359.00) of the donations received from the Boobiethon.
It seems that she and several other bloggers had nominated me, and Mel and the crew for the thon, chose me to get it.

I have been a volunteer for the boobiethon every year since the first year it went big-time, doing photo-editing for a few hours a day each day of the thon.
This is the first year I haven't been able to help.
I felt terrible about it.
I always enjoy helping out, I love looking at all the boobies, the creative pictures that women send in, and just being a part of something really huge, something that makes a difference.

I know women who have had breast cancer, there's been a few scares in my own family, and once I get healed up from my surgery, I get to go have my very first ever mammogram.
I'm not really looking forward to it, but I know that early detection saves lives, and being adopted, I don't have a family medical history to go on.
My scoliosis and the problem I had with my neck, are all genetic defects that I was born with.
I have no idea if breast cancer runs in my birth line or not, but knowing that almost every single one of my other medical issues were given to me by my birth mother, getting tested for breast cancer is a must for me.

My stay in the hospital ended up being a much longer stay than originally planned, and what I had been hoping for, was to be home on time and hopefully been healthy and healed up enough to help with the boobiethon.
But that didn't happen.
So for now, the only way I can help out is to encourage all of you to go and donate whatever you can to the boobiethon.
All of the money raised after the first $359.00, goes directly to the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer research.
I believe they hit $1,000 before noon EST, and today is just the first day, that's an awesome way to start!

So just click on the button or any of the links for the boobiethon in this post, and give what you can.
We can save lives by just giving a few bucks to help fund the cure.
One of these days they will have a cure for cancer, we will, but we need to fund the cause, so go and give what you can, it's for the boobies.

*EDITED TO ADD at 7:05pm*
Mindy informed me that Christine is the one who alerted her and other bloggers to the bloggers helping bloggers portion of the boobiethon, and to nominate me for it.
So I wanted to give a HUGE shout out to Christine for doing that, it was extremely thoughtful and wonderful, she is such an amazing friend to me.
I've known her through blogging for something like 7 or 8 years now, she's one of my best friends even though we've never met face to face.
You should all stop by her blog I linked and from there go visit all of her other blogs too.
She has quite a few of them so I'm sure you'll find one that you can relate to and start getting to know her.
She loves baseball, specifically the Boston Red Sox, cats, crafting and scrap-booking, and micro-brew beers, living in New England, and tons of other things.
She's just an awesome person and you should all go get to know her, I know you'll like her.
One of these days, I will go back to Maine to visit my family and find a way to meet up with her and meet her in person finally.
I don't just consider her a friend, I think of her as family, like a sister.

I went in yesterday for my pre-surgery physical, and she didn't clear me.
She said that my blood pressure was too high, she couldn't give me clearance because she thinks I'll have a heart attack on the table.
Even though every single heart test I've had in the last 4 months, has come out clear.
So she called my surgeon and canceled my surgery.

She then started talking about the high white cell count, all docs freak out over this, they tell me I have the white cell count of someone who is dying of leukemia.
This happened last year, October 2007 to be exact, and I went through a hematology consult and an Imdium scan.
The results of both tests concurred.
Negative white cell study.
That means I'm not sick.

Then she tells me that when I went to the ER 3-4 months ago for that wicked shoulder pain I was dealing with, and the ER doc thought, because my blood pressure was so high, that I was either having a heart attack or had an arterial blood clot, but the tests all came back clean.
No heart problems at all.
But.
During the CT angiogram, the radiologist noted a spot on my liver.
That was on June 6, 2008.
That night, the ER doc never had me sign out of the ER, he gave me no paperwork telling me to have an ultrasound of my liver, but yesterday, my primary doc is telling me about that report, about the spot, she thinks that may be the reason for the high white cells, she doesn't know.

But what we do know is that I went to a cardiac specialist this morning who finds nothing wrong, but to be safe, I have to go back in tomorrow and have a cardiac nuclear stress test.
He said if that comes out fine, that he'll clear me for the surgery, but it's too late now for the Monday date, the OR was canceled, I missed the pre-surgery appointment at the hospital today to go see this cardiac specialist, my surgeon canceled it, it's done, too late.
It will have to be totall rescheduled, I'll have to go through all the pre-surgery tests all over again because they all have to be done within 1 week of the surgery.
 Then this Tuesday coming, I have to go in for an echo cardiogram, ya know, seeing as my surgery is canceled.

To say I'm mad is an understatement, I'm fucking pissed, I'm stressed, an I can't eat anything at all for 24 hours before this stress test tomorrow morning at 11am, so when I got home this morning from his office at like 10ish, I ate a bowl of cereal because I was nauseous.
I'm not allowed to eat anything else at all, and I cannot drink much either, I can have enough water to wash down my pain pills, but that's it.
I'll be completely weak, nauseous, and dehydrated tomorrow morning, which will be causing me stress and anxiety, which will make my blood pressure high and probably cause me to fail the fucking test.

Everything is just a big huge fucking mess.
They fucked with my life for a high blood pressure that is caused by the neck issue, they canceled my surgery that will save my fucking life.
That ER doc in June didn't tell me about the spot on my liver, but now I have to go get that taken care of too, get an ultrasound on it, and I'll probably have to go through another nuclear hematology consult as well to rule out the leukemia they fucking think I'm dying of.
Don't you fucking think that with all the fucking MRIs, CT scans, xrays, blood tests, urine tests, ultrasounds, and every fucking other test I've been through, that if I had fucking leukemia, it would have been found by now?
Don't you think I'd know!?!
Wouldn't I be sick, have some sort of pain, something?!
Do I match some of those symptoms like bone and joint pain?
Yes, but uh, I have 26 fucking inches of titanium running the length of my spine!!!!!!!
I have no other symptoms of it other than the bone and joint pain, and the high white cell count, that's it, and I've had that high white cell count for 2.5 years now, since my spine fusion.
Wouldn't someone know?
Wouldn't someone have figured that out by now with everything I've been through medically?

I'm not ok!
I'm angry, sad, stressed, pissed, hurt, and it's causing my kids to be scared to death.
Surgery, no surgery, heart disease, leukemia, what the fuck else are these assholes going to put me and my kids through?!
This is all too fucking much, it's just too much, I can't cope with everything that's happening right now, and I want to apologize to my employers who are waiting on me to get work done.
I will get it done, but I need to get a grip, I need to rest, I need to try and get this sorted out, get people to listen to me, read the test results, figure out that all of the shit is because of my spine being all fucked up.

And ya know what sucks?
All of the doctors want a medical history I can't give them, I'm adopted, I have nothing to show them, nothing to tell them, they stare at me, tell me this all looks genetic, that my birth parents gave me all of this, but they need to know and I can't give them any answers.
I hear from them about all of these things that are inside my body, these fluid filled sacks that are attached to my spine, that they don't know what they are, but there are a lot of them, my vertebrae closing like this, it's genetic, this is all genetic, it's all part of a medical history I know nothing about, and the more tests they do, the more they find, and the more they say big bad scary words about death and dying, and for fucks sake people, pick the one that is gonna kill me first and fix it, then we'll work on the next one and so on.

This is all just too much and I feel like I'm going crazy, like I just want to quit, just stop, I can't do this anymore.
My mom and dad called me last night, my sister had called them, told them what was going on, they told me to just keep going, to keep trying, to type out whatever I have to to get through all of this, that it's ok.
But it's not ok, it really isn't.
I'm being told I'm slowly dying, that I have diseases and shit which are killing me, and I'm supposed to be ok?
How the hell am I supposed to be ok after all of the hell I've already been through, and be told that there's even more?
How would anyone be ok with all of this?!
And please, please, please, do not tell me that god only gives us what we can handle, that he gives us tests to help us be better people, that this is all being done because he has a purpose for me.
That's absolute bullshit, I've been through more than enough fucking medical shit in my lifetime.
I was born a medical fuck up, that's why my birth parents left me in the hospital where I spent the first 6 weeks of my life, they were told I was going to die or be retarded, so they left, they just left me there.
I've suffered with some sort of medical fucking bullshit my whole life now, enough.
Enough!

My primary care doc has me taking Maxzide for my high blood pressure.

Yesterday was a very long day, I did a lot, played, got up and down from the floor, did way too much, and so I paid for it.
I ended up with a horrible migraine, my head was pounding, I could feel my heart pumping in my head, my blood pressure was way way up, it was actually kind of scary.
I was laying in my bed thinking to myself what to do if it gets worse, if my heart starts beating faster and the pounding feeling gets louder and more intense.
Do I call someone for help?
But my cell phone has like no reception in my bed room at all, it barely gets calls through, so I was thinking about cell phone amplifiers, and how I should have jumped on that opportunity for a free one when I had the chance, just in case.

But I got up and took a pain pill, another water pill, and drank a huge glass of ice water, and then went back to laying down.
By morning, the headache is mostly gone, but I don't have the pounding feeling anymore so I'm ok.
It's kind of scary when your blood pressure goes up that high, when you can feel it high.
I really hope that all I'm about to go through takes care of that whole thing.

Yesterday afternoon was just a mess, somebody dropped the ball, so phone calls had to be made and new schedules had to be worked out.
But it did get worked out, on Thursday the 4th, I had a final appointment with my pain doc, but now I've had to cancel that, because that is now the day that I'm going to the hospital for the ekg, the other heart tests, the neck brace fitting, and a bunch of other tests.
I still get to have Monday off, so that is the day, actually, all this weekend, the teens and I are going to tackle this house, get it all clean and ready for me to leave, come home, and have people come in and help.

I'm sure that when I get back I'll be on a ton of new medications. New pain meds, antibiotics, new steroids to help combat the infections and maybe even prohormones to help the muscles in my neck rebuild and smooth back out after being cut and moved aside.
It's going to be rough when I get back home.
All those medications do a number on my stomach and mind.

So, insomnia again last night, went to "bed" at like 8:30am, woke up at 1:30pm.
Got a phone call from the hospital I'm having surgery at saying I missed an appointment today.
What?!?!
They will be calling me back.

Teens came home from school, brought in 2 packages.
I got another book, it's a duplicate, so I'll probably be giving it away to the first come/first get.
2nd package was from Amazon.
I didn't order anything? *confused*
I open the package, and there's the movie I just posted about on Tuesday that I said I was going to buy myself for Halloween.
Christine had left me a comment with the cryptic, "Oh, and watch your mail.  'nuff said!"
That was just on Wednesday, 1 day ago.
I figured ok, next week, maybe Saturday.
Nope, she ordered it, and I got the movie I absolutely adore today!
Instant cheer up from the pissed off feeling of being told I missed a surgical testing appointment that I didn't even know I had.
I would never just miss an appointment!
I have every single appointment written on the paper calendar, digitally entered on my Google calendar, I wouldn't forget, I wouldn't just not show, this is important stuff!
Is it going to screw up my surgery date?
I only have 1 full week left to get everything done!
OMG! *panic*
How could I miss an appointment I never knew I had?
I've really been so so good about writing them all down, arranging the transportation for each one with my sister doing some and Mindy doing almost all of the others.
I wouldn't forget one!
I checked my paper calendar, I checked my Google calendar, there's nothing written down for today for me to do other than to pay my Verizon DSL bill!
I wish they would call me back quickly, let me know what the hell happened, did someone forget to tell me about this one?
I know I have a lot of different appointments for different things, it's very possible someone just overlooked it, forgot to tell me because they made an honest mistake, because I know what day, what time, and where every single appointment is for everything.
Please don't let this screw up the surgery date, let this be an easy fix.
Please.

I know it's not Friday, but I don't think I've done a weight loss progress update in a few weeks now.

I started my doctor monitored weight-loss on July 4th, and my starting weight was 190lbs.
I started taking a product he approves and sells in his office, and he agreed to monitor my progress at every visit.
I would stick to taking 2 pills per day, eat better foods, walk, work out as much as I can, and try to increase my water intake.
I absolutely hate water, but I alternate, for every 1 can of Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke, I have 1 large glass of nearly frozen water, and I suck it down as quickly as possible.
I actually use a plastic cup that can be put in the freezer, and I really do freeze my water.
Not all the way of course, but I get it to that point of frozen where it's like a slurpee, all ice, some liquid left, slush-like, and then I just chug it down and deal with the "ice cream" headache.

But anyway, I've been doing really good sticking to my plan, I don't call it a diet because I fail at diets, so I call it my weight-loss plan, and that works for me.
My doc has kept his word, he's been monitoring me, checking my blood pressure, my weight, taking random urine tests to check iron levels and stuff, and encouraging me.
I saw my new primary care doc the other day, she weighed me, and I then went to his office, and he weighed me, and both scales matched so they must be accurate.

I am now at 169.10lbs from my start weight of 190lbs, so that's a total weight loss of 20.9lbs.
That's pretty damn good if I do say so myself.
20lbs in almost 2 months, I didn't lose tons of weight quickly which usually guarantees that you'll gain it all back plus some extra, so I'd say I'm doing alright.
I know that during my stay in the hospital even though it's only 4 days, I'll drop a few more because I have like zero appetite from all the morphine and dilaudid, and they shouldn't give me morphine this time because I nearly scratched myself to death last time.
That stuff makes you itchy, and it's such a high dose that I was passed out just clawing at my skin and ripping clumps of hair out, but anyway, I will drop probably between 2-5lbs more.

So there's my update, I'm doing good, I'm proud of myself, and now I'm going to go lay on the couch and catch a few hours of sleep.
I had insomnia again last night, and really need just a few short hours.
Later days! 

I woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck.
I slept weird too.
Like all twisted up and stuff, so now my lower back and right hip are just killing me, and I can't get in to see my pain doc until Monday, before 11:45am.
Because at noon he's going back out of town.
But at 10am, I have an appointment with the new primary care doc for the pre-surgery physical, which I have no idea how long it's going to take.
So this means I'm going to have to call my surgeon to cover the refill on my pain meds again.
For the 3rd time, because my pain doc keeps going out of town.
My surgeon is going to start thinking something funny is going on.
Yeah, not quite so fucking funny when every time I need to make an appointment, he's going out of town.
And so I'm stressed out and in pain, and I can't see my pain doc because I have to go to that physical, I don't have a choice.
I have no idea how long the physical is going to take because duh, it's my new doctor.
The appointment could end up being 2 hours long, or like most doctor's, you sit and wait for a full hour or 2 before you even see the doctor.
And it's a full physical which means full naked, gyno, swabby, poke, prod, touch and pee in this cup appointment.

Seriously.
I'm way stressed out about all of this stuff right now.
In 18 days, I get my neck sliced open, have a couple vertebrae and discs removed, new rods installed, and I never turn my head left or right again.
18 days.
It may seem like that's a long time, but it's not, and it's creeping up on me faster than I know how to handle.

And I swear, if one more person says they'll pray for me, or let go and let god, trust in god, god will take care of you, I'm going to fucking explode!
This bill collector called me at 8am this morning, wanted to talk about an old hospital bill I owe, and when I said sorry, I can't pay that right now, they asked why, I explained why, I let it all out on the girl, and she says to me, and I quote, "I can stave off the collection phone calls for about a week, and I'll pray for you. Wow, I don't even know how you're feeling, but I imagine. I promise, I'll pray for you."

You'll pray for me?!
These calls are recorded for customer quality results, and man, I hope they recorded that one.
You are never to get personal with the customer, never ever, get personal with the customer when you are calling them to collect a debt. I know the rules, I used to work for Georgia Power and Gas, that was one of the major big time rules, never, ever, get personal with the customer, stick to the facts.
Fucking twit.
I hope they recorded that call and heard me tell her to shove her prayers up her ass.

I'm still not feeling great, I think it's the stress of everything, it's upsetting my stomach, making me not sleep, but making me excessively tired.
I have mega amounts of stress right now.
So much to do, things to take care of, plans to make, money to not make.
Ugh!
It's piling up on me, my mind can't stay focused, and I haven't been able to even keep myself feeling ok or not worried about stuff long enough to get my work done.
It will get it done, but I really need to get my head on straight first.
I honestly think I need to just sit down and have myself a long decent cry, to let all of this stress go as much as I can.

I need to go get in the shower, I have an appointment with Dr. Riegel today at 2pm, thank him, all that jazz, and tell him I can't pay him today.
I am totally broke until Wednesday.
Nothing I can do about it right now, I'll have to tell them I'll pay them on Wednesday, they can take the payment by phone or something.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I just have so so much on my mind, back to school, medical shit, all of it is picking away at my brain, and I'm tired and stressed out because of all of it.

Just when I think I've finally found a product to treat Mark's acne problem, he gets another massive breakout.
I need to find him the best acne treatment available, but doesn't cost me an arm and a leg to pay for.
He has such a bad breakout today too, it's worse than I've ever seen his face.
Poor kid, but at least he's still on summer vacation and none of his friends will see his face.

I've had a long weekend of feeling like total crap.
I was sick from my meds all weekend long.
I ran out of one, couldn't call my doc because it was the weekend, and that made me have to use one of the other meds I take by itself.
It has a completely different effect when taken by itself.
The bad feelings are wearing off finally, so I should be back to normal by tomorrow.