Results tagged “mental health” from KatScan

I had my pain doc appointment today, it went as it usually does.
On the pain scale, 1-10, with 1 being no pain, and 10 being OMG kill me now it hurts so bad, where are you right this minute?
I was at a 7 this morning because I had a rough night.
I was super stressed out so I didn't get any sleep, and so I just laid on the couch watching movies all night long, and so my back got super stiff and locked up by morning.
The dose of my pain medicine this morning just didn't cut it after such a crappy night, and on doctor day, you don't double up because they pee test you, and if you have too much in your system, you get yelled at, so I just dealt with the pain until I left.

I did finally tell the PA (my doc's Physician's Assistant,  Mary) about the Elavil and how much I don't like it, so they put me on a new one, Cymbalta.
I have been taking the Elavil since July 17, 2009, and I tolerated it every month, but it's side effects kept gradually getting much worse for me.
For the last few months, I would say, the last 3-4 months, within 20-30 minutes of taking it,  my throat felt like it was closing up, like something was stuck in it, and my hands would start shaking uncontrollably.
Those side effects would last anywhere from an hour to several hours, so I asked to be taken off of it today and she agreed with me that if that's how it's making me feel, then we should definitely switch to something else.
She said that they have been trying Cymbalta with some of their patients who also cannot tolerate the Elavil for a wide variety of reasons, and so far so good she said, so she put me on that.
She gave me two sample bottles and each one contained 7 capsules, so that was enough to get me through 14 days, but Mark and I just got back from Walgreen's and Publix, so I already picked my prescriptions up.
Because there is no generic for the Cymbalta yet, my insurance co-pay is a bit higher than it normally is for my medications, but it's still a really great price at just $6.30 for a 30 day supply.
The regular price with no insurance is $188.79, so yeah, way happy to have insurance.

I am really hopeful that I can tolerate the Cymbalta a lot better than I did the Elavil, because it looks like Cymbalta can actually help me with my chronic pain too.
This is what Drugs.com says about Cymbalta;

Cymbalta is used to treat major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. It is also used to treat a chronic pain disorder called fibromyalgia, and to treat pain caused by nerve damage in people with diabetes (diabetic neuropathy).

That makes me so very hopeful that not only will I be able to tolerate it well, but that it will actually do what it says.
That would be so awesome, you have no idea.
If it can actually help with chronic pain and nerve pain, then I would have to take less actual pain medicine which would be freaking awesome!!
Keep your fingers crossed for me that it really works please!!

One of my friends took me to my doc appointment and pharmacy today, and all I had to do as a way to "pay" her for the ride, was to help her take her respironics oxygen concentrator to the medical supply place, and have them fix it.
She can't lift it, and I know, I'm not supposed to lift heavy stuff either, but as soon as the clerk saw me getting it out of the trunk, he came out with a dolly and wheeled it in for us.
Then she went in and told him what was wrong with it, and they fixed what wrong with it which was just a dirty filter, and she admitted that she never cleaned it, she said she didn't know how to open it, so they cleaned it for her and then put it back in the trunk for us so I didn't have to try and lift it again.
Her son was at home (summer vacation) and he's the one who put it in the trunk for her, and she said that he would take it back out again when she got home.
I had offered to go home with her and get it out of the trunk and take it in her house for her and then she could drive me back home, but that's when she told me that he was at home and he was the one who would take care of it, she was just happy that I was with her and so willing to help her.
She said that one of her other friends that she is always giving rides to, never, ever wants to help her with anything, and complains the whole time they are doing anything at all where she needs help.
She almost started crying when she was talking about it, I felt so bad for her, so I told her that anytime at all that she needs help, all she has to do is call me, I'm usually always at home so I can be ready to go and help at pretty much a moment's notice.
That's when she really did start crying and saying thank you about a gazillion times.
I said she didn't have to say so many thank yous, she helped me with a ride to my doctor's office, the pharmacy, and home again, so helping her is the least that I could do.
I am always so appreciative when people help me out with a ride where I need to go, so helping them in return is my way of saying thank you and repaying them for the help. 

About a week or so ago, I sent an email to some friends, just 2 friends, and in that email, I said a lot of stuff.
I let it all hang out baby!
Really, I did, I let it all out.
I said all of my fears, worries, concerns, I talked about my health and all that goes with it.
I talked about my fears in regards to my health, and because of those fears, my sanity.
Like, I feel sometimes like I'm completely losing my grip on everything, like when I sit down and really think about my health and the things that are wrong with me and the things that could possibly go wrong, I start to lose it a little.
Actually, I've lost it already, and so each time I think about it, I lose it a little more.
And so I said all of these things, I said all of my health issues, and I said all of the things that could possibly go wrong, and I said all of my fears, and I even said that yes, I am losing my grip on everything around me.

And I got no replies back.

I think I scared them.
I think because of how honest I was, and because of all of the things that I said, that I sacred them off, scared them away, or something.
I'm really hoping that the reason they didn't reply is because they don't know what to say, that because I just dumped all of that on them, and they really don't know what to say.
I would really hate to think that I scared them away, scared them out of my life.
I only sent it to 2 people, 2 people that I consider really, really close friends, and the thought of scaring them away, frightening them away, out of my life, scares me to death.

I hate not getting replies, especially when it's something that freaking huge, that big, that important to me, because it makes me feel like all of those fears that I have, are totally justified, and that's why I don't open up more to people.
I don't open up and talk to people because when I do, they either don't reply to me because they are scared, or I scared them away, but either way, I scared them.
I didn't mean to, I just really needed to get it all out and now that I have, I really think that I scared them away and I need them, I need them in my life.
I need them to just acknowledge that they read it, just say 'hey Kat, I read it and I don't know what to say', and that would be a totally cool, totally acceptable reply.
I would be so totally OK with that kind of reply.
But not replying at all, ugh, it hurts, it's actually physically painful thinking that I scared them away and out of my life for good.

I swear right now, that I will NEVER, ever, open myself up that much ever again.

Pink fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.
Pink fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.
Pink fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.
Pink fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.
Pink fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.
Pink fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.
Pink fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.

Things I'm about to say are really hard for me to say.
I face the possibility of a lot of people having their say about me, judging me, or anger, or pity, or hate, fear, worry.
I face the emotions of all kinds of things because of what I'm going to post here.
And I deserve whatever people have to say.
I do not deserve kindness, and I certainly do not deserve anyone else ever telling me again how strong I am or how strong they think I am.
I am not strong, I haven't been strong in years, I have not been "me" since 2001.
I lost who I was when I had to stop working outside the home, when my life was forever changed because of this body which has imprisoned me.
I am not even a shell of my former self.

I left out something that happened on Sunday, left out several things that happened on Sunday.
I left them out because of fear, guilt, and shame, and I still have all of those emotions speeding through me like a train going at high speed with no conductor at the front.
I don't know if people will understand, if anyone at all will understand, and so I am afraid, afraid of being judged, hated, pitied.
I hate people pitying me because I have enough pity and self loathing running through me to cover me for however long the rest of my life is.

The reason that I have very brief memories of Sunday is because I made a mistake taking my medications that were given to me on Saturday.
I was given the phenergen to stop the pukes and the diars, and I was also given valium to help calm me down and help me rest.
I hadn't slept in days, approximately 7 days at that point, I hadn't eaten either because eating made the pukes and diars worse.
So I was completely exhausted and dehydrated. and still getting sicker and sicker.
The phenergen wasn't working, I was still puking and having the diars every 10 minutes, so I called my doctor, I asked him what to do, he told me to keep taking the phenergen, so I did.
Or what I thought was the phenergen.
Both bottles were identical, same color, cap, labels, and height, the same tiny print, so I kept taking the phenergen, or what I thought was the bottle of phenergen.
In reality, I was taking 2 valium every 4 hours because the phenergen's instructions were to take 2 every 4-6 hours if the symptoms kept up.
I thought in my exhausted and dehydrated state, that I was taking the phenergen, but it was the valium, and a lot of it, so yes, of course my condition worsened.
The diars and pukes didn't stop at all, and I was stumbling and staggering to the bathroom to get sick, and stumbling and staggering back to the couch.
My condition terrified the teens, they had no idea what was happening to me, neither did I, I was taking the wrong medication.
I don't recall the ride to the hospital, I don't recall anything that happened at the hospital except for the doctors talking about my white cells and some sort of infection, I don't recall things said or done by me to people, to doctors and nurses, to Mindy and my sons, to Sebastian.
Apparently, I was very nasty to everyone, yelling, cursing, saying extremely hurtful things, and I recall none of it at all.

Since learning the very next day what I had done, I've been extremely depressed and ashamed of myself, beyond ashamed, guilt is running through me so badly, that when I think about what I possibly said to people, I fall apart and start crying uncontrollably.
I hurt people, I hurt people that I love and care about so much, and I cannot forgive myself even if they forgive me.
I hate my body, I hate all of the pain, I hate all of the pain medications, and medical tests that I endure, and I hate of the doctors, and I hate every damn minute of every damn day of my life.
I hate being alive because I am a prisoner of my body, it holds me captive with it's never ending pain and the medicines hold me prisoner because my body needs them now, is totally addicted to them, I am trapped, stuck in a world of pain, hurt, and medicine that has me so tight in it's grasp that I am suffocating.

Please do not mistake me saying that I hate being alive as me being suicidal, because I am not.
I am far too much of a coward to take my own life, and no, I do not even think about suicide, I just hate this life that I live, I hate it more than the word hate can ever fully describe.
 I am just so full of guilt and shame because I have hurt people that I truly love and care for, and I honestly wouldn't blame them one little bit if they never forgive me for it, I don't expect forgiveness, I don't deserve their forgiveness, I don't want their forgiveness.
I want to feel this guilt and shame, I want it, I have earned it, what I did and said, the hurt that I caused, I earned it, it's mine and no one can take it from me.

As for my OCD, it gets worse and worse every day, my ticks get worse every day, I have caught myself in the middle of my little rituals and even though I've caught myself, I still can't stop doing them, as a matter of fact, it makes me do them again and again.
I've picked up some new ones too, I am now constantly wiping my eyes and wiping away my hair, pulling my pony tail tighter, re-arranging my head band, sweeping and brushing my hair out of my eyes, and then, if I see even a single strand of hair blowing in front of my eyes, if it will not stay in place away from my face, I will pull it right out of my head.
I grab the strand and follow it all of the way up to it's root at my scalp, and I yank it right from there, right at my scalp.
Eventually, I'll be taking some sort of medication for hair loss prevention because I'm pulling so much of it out.
Then, after yanking away even a single strand, I brush my clothes off from a sitting position here at my desk, then I stand and brush them off, and then I wipe off my entire desk, moving my mouse, the coaster I have for my cans of Diet Coke, my pencil box, my notepad, I move every single thing and wipe my desk with my right hand.
Then I wipe the monitor, and then I get up and wipe off my computer tower, and then the table on which it sits, and before you know it, I've wiped down everything within a 4 foot circle of my desk area.
It's getting worse, the ticks are getting worse, things set them off, and what sets them off the most are extreme feelings, nervousness, guilt, shame, fear, and so this week, I've put one hell of a polish on my whole computer area and probably yanked out a good couple hundred hairs.

This week has been hell for me.
I made a huge mistake taking my medications and I hurt people that I love, my sons, my friend Mindy.
I hurt them, and my guilt and shame is eating me alive and setting off my ticks almost hourly.
I catch myself crying, I catch myself barely breathing, I catch myself staring at nothing, pulling hairs out, wiping my desk, my mouse, wiping everything, and wiping in very particular patterns, always wiping everything down in an exact order, and in an exact pattern.
 
I fear that I'm going crazy, like really, truly, going crazy, like my brain is starting to shrivel up and dry out, like I am not going to be ok, like eventually, I'll be locked away or I'll be one of those crazy cat ladies who talks to her cats because they can't talk back, because even if you say hurtful things to them, they have no idea what you are saying and then I won't have to feel so guilty.
I hurt people that I love and care for, I made a huge mistake with my medications, I never do that, I never ever have taken the wrong medication, and because I did, I ended up hurting people that I love, and I am so so sorry, but I am not wanting forgiveness, I am not worthy of forgiveness, I am falling to pieces because of this damn body that imprisons me.
It's grasp is tight, it's prison walls are growing smaller, and I am in a place that I hate, a body that hurts me more and more each day, and I am full of guilt, shame, self pity, self loathing, and I am not forgivable, I do not want it even if it's there.

I'm learning all about blood clots, one type known as DVT, what medications are out there to treat it, what can be done so as to not have a pulmonary embolism, stuff like that.

I have learned that it is dangerous to fly if you already have DVT

Someone told me that, I didn't know, so I decided to Google it.

I Googled "DVT + airplane".

This is what I found, same answer, thousands of websites.

What is deep vein thrombosis (DVT)?

People who have a history of cardiovascular disease, stroke or thrombotic episodes (blood clots) are at risk of getting blood clots in their legs during airplane flights of 10 hours or more.  But these aren't the only people who can have this problem.  This condition, known as deep vein thrombosis (DVT), also can affect healthy people, even athletes.

What is economy-class syndrome?

Developing DVT after long plane rides is often called "economy-class syndrome" or "coach-class syndrome," because seating and leg room are particularly cramped for passengers in economy class.   However, first-class and business-class passengers also get DVT, so this problem isn't solely due to sitting still in tight quarters for many hours.  Other factors -- such as low cabin pressure, low humidity and dehydration -- all may contribute.   These factors are constant throughout the plane.

_________________________________
 
Can someone please point out the exit signs?
I'm so ready to get off of this ride that I'm on.
 
It's far too scary for me.

It may not be an industrial computer, but I finally (been thinking about buying 1 since school started up back in August) ordered the netbook that I've been wanting to get for Sebastian, and I have been talking about it on my other blog, and debating with myself for months and months and months.
YAY!!!
I Twittered about getting the really awesome deal that I got thanks to Verizon, I mean, really, it's a totally sweet deal, how could I not publicly thank them?

The netbook is actually a really great one for the price.
HP Mini 110 series

• • Black Swirl
• • Genuine Windows XP Home with Service Pack 3
• • Intel(R) Atom(TM) Processor N270 (1.60GHz, 512KB L2, 533Mhz FSB)
• • 1GB DDR2 System Memory (1 Dimm)
• • 160GB 5400RPM SATA Hard Drive
• • Intel(R) Graphics Media Accelerator 950 with a 5-in-1 Digital Media slot
• • 10.1" diagonal WSVGA LED Anti-glare Widescreen Display (1024 x 600)
• • HP Mini Webcam with HP Imprint Finish (Swirl)
• • Wireless-G Card
• • HP Color Matching Keyboard
• • 3 Cell Lithium Ion Battery
• • Microsoft(R) Works 9.0

When I got Fios installed back in July, Verizon told me that in 3 months, if I paid the bill on time and in full for those first 3 months, I would receive a gift certificate for $299.00 to buy anything that I wanted from a certain website, so my gift certificate came about a month ago, and I finally used it tonight.
The netbook's price was exactly $299.00, and then I bought a mouse and a carrying case for it.
The mouse was $12.79, the case was, $11.99, they had 20% off of them individually, not 20% off if I bought both together, but 20% off of them by themselves, and then I had to pay for shipping for all 3 items.
The subtotal was $324.77, shipping was $19.00, Florida tax was 24.07, making the grand total $367.84.
The $299.00 gift certificate was applied and so I only had to pay $67.85 in total.
I LOVE an awesome bargain like this!
W00t!! W00t!!


Today like around 9am or so, I am going to go to the pharmacy and pick up the scripts that are waiting for me, then go do the grocery shopping, and then tomorrow, I get to go see my other doctor and tell him about the issues that I am having with my feet and hope that it isn't diabetic neuropathy, because if it is, I know that he's going to put me on insulin and I don't want to be on insulin.
I don't have a problem with needles, no problem with needles at all.
It's that having to take insulin will further restrict me and what little freedom I have left.
Because of all of the health issues that I have right now, I am truly a prisoner in my own home because of my own freaking messed-up body.
Having to take insulin will just make me even more of a prisoner.
I know that calling myself a prisoner isn't good, but it's how I feel, my life is so restricted, I can hardly do anything because of the constant pain that I am in, being forced to watch myself, test my blood sugars constantly, will just make that feeling even stronger.
It sucks.

I'm so tired, so so tired.
Every single day is a struggle, things just coming and going at me, arguing with the teens, trying to get help so we can cope with it as a family, try to heal this family of mine that started falling apart months ago.
I lost control of my life months ago.
I know when it happened, I know exactly when it happened, I was severely depressed, not talking to anyone about it, just leaving it all sit in there because I didn't want to be seen as weak.
But I am weak and I need to stop and ask for help every now and then.
It's ok to ask for help.
And some one of these days when I get that break that I need, I'm going to get away from here, go on a vacation, go to some new state and have a real vacation.
No computers, cell only for emergency calls, just me and the teens, or me and my best friend Shell.
Then the 2 of us could just take off for like a week, just be girls again, not employees, not moms, not housekeepers, cooks, cleaners, but just be girls.
Go some place beautiful and peaceful like South Carolina and stay at one of the many Myrtle Beach hotels.
I just have so many things going on, I'm carrying like 20 plates and they are all full and terribly heavy.
I'm struggling here, just struggling to even put a coherent thought together for more than 5 minutes.
Hell, it took me over 20 minutes to just write this one post
I'm just flapping around like a goldfish that got dropped on land, struggling to breathe, fighting to stay alive, and it will either die or someone will pick it up and put it back in the aquarium bowl.
I feel like that goldfish, I need someone to pick me up and carry me at least half of the way.
I'm so tired, there are days that my life is just too much for me to handle, I want to just quit, go back in time and fix all of this crap before it ever even started.

I just don't know where my life is heading anymore, I just feel like I don't know anything about myself anymore.
Once upon a time, I was strong, both physically and emotionally, and now I feel like I'm just a big pile of mush. 

Today has been a much better day for me, I got the chance to talk to someone about how I was feeling, about how I let things people say affect me to the point where I end up not just feeling upset, but physically ill over it.
The person was able to understand what I was talking about and help me by just listening to what I had to say, how I was feeling, and offered me some advice on how to handle it all.

Then when I was reading this month's "O" magazine, on the last page it's always Oprah's own words in a column she calls "What I know for sure", and she wrote the following;

"Often we don't even realize who we're meant to be because we're so busy trying to live out someone else's ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny."

I read it a couple of times and then put the magazine on the table and went about the rest of my day and the things that I needed to do around the house.
As the day progressed, I started to get feeling sad again, and I remembered only part of that quote, so I went and picked the magazine back up and read it again a couple more times.
It's finally starting to sink in and mean something to me for my current feelings.
I have to stop letting other people's opinions and ideas of me, affect me so much.
Easier said than done for me most of the time because I have really become an emotional person these last few months, but it's definitely something that I can work on and think about when stuff starts getting to me.
I know that it will take time, I need time to adjust to new ways of thinking and doing things, and when things start to get to me, I need to walk away from whatever is causing the bad feelings to come up, and stay away from it until I can calmly handle the situation, or just ignore what is being said altogether, and only dealing with what absolutely needs to be dealt with.

I'll get there, I'll get to the point where I can ignore the negative personal stuff from other people, and just deal with what has to be dealt with.

I have had another absolutely horrible, totally horrendous day, I am sitting here with a pounding migraine and  in tears, and I have been crying  off and on for several hours now.
I wish so much that I could talk specifically about why I'm so upset, but I can't, I am a woman of my word regardless of what other people seem to think and say.
I really wish that I knew why some people are so cruel, why are people so cruel??
Can't anyone tell me why??

I have had a really crappy week,  just wow, so freaking crappy, and I was hoping that after this morning's grocery shopping disaster, that the day would get better, but nope, it didn't.
I feel like my entire life is just me walking in one place, or walking on treadmills, I just keep on walking and walking and walking,  but never seem to get anywhere.
I never seem to go anywhere at all that is a good place to be.
I am just stuck walking in this place where a good majority of the people are full of drama and being wrapped up, mixed up, and in everyone's business.

I'm not a bad person, i live and let live, I try to do right by everyone who comes into and out of my life for however long they are in it, I try to treat others right, the way that I would want to be treated, with kindness and compassion, understanding, and caring.
But I hardly ever get treated back the same way.
I know that all of that karma stuff is so made up and so absolutely not true, because if it was, the people who come in and out of my life on the daily, would treat me just even half as well as I treat them.
I don't even really understand the how or the why over the reason for this, how it even began, 
I just don't even have the slightest clue.
All I know for sure is that someone, or several someones, really, truly, believe that I would try to destroy their ability to earn a living.
???
Yeah, that's exactly what I said!
I don't have the answer to that one at all, and believe me, I so wish that I did.
But I can tell you and know it to be true with every single fiber of my being, that I have not ever, would not ever, could not ever, interfere with another human beings ability to earn a living and provide for themselves and their families.
That's just not something that I am capable of doing.
 
Even way back when I was an assistant manager at a store and had to hire and fire people,
I had to practice my "I'm so sorry, but you're just not working out" speech for an hour or more before I could even walk into the office and do the deed, and no matter how many times the manager made me do it so that I could "get used to it"  before she would consider promoting me from just the assistant manager to either 2nd or 1st assistant manager, after doing it and waiting for the terminated employee to leave, I would run to the bathroom, close the stall door, start crying my eyes out, and then puke.
It was just so emotionally upsetting to me, it made me physically ill to do it.
I would have all of these thoughts and images in my head about their life, if they had kids to feed, if this job was the only way they could have a roof over their heads, if there was a member of the family who was sick and this job paid for their medications that kept them alive, all of those kinds of thoughts would be flooding my head, and I'd get dizzy and nauseous over those thoughts.
I am still the same way, I hate to hear about people losing their jobs, their homes, their insurance, I get upset just hearing a story about someone losing their job.
To know that there's someone out there thinking that I would in some way try to kill their ability to earn a living, is just really upsetting me.
It's my assistant manager job all over again, dizzy and queasy, that watery mouth feeling, swallowing hard, my stomach is in knots, and I keep crying.

I need to just go lay on the couch and zone out, watch a movie, or listen to music or something, anything at all, to get away from this situation, to make it stop, but anything that I do, I'm fearful that it could escalate an already tense situation and make it even worse.
I'm just stuck, stuck walking in the same place, just walking and walking, and going absolutely nowhere. 

Monday was just one of those days, the kind of day that makes you just want to rip your hair out and start shooting people.
I hadn't gotten any sleep since like a few hours on Friday, my period started, I pulled a muscle in my right side lower back, and things were happening that just made the whole day even more miserable.
Things started to go wrong on Sunday about mid-day, and just progressively got worse from there on out.
I had to spend the whole day dealing with those things that had started to go south on Sunday, and then I had to deal with other people complaining about that and other things, all of the day on Monday.
It's a job and I do my job, but man, some people seem to forget that I have a life outside of that job, and that nowhere in my job description does it say that I am allowed to be verbally abused and treated like garbage.
My job is to answer questions that I can, that I have the answers to, and to help with the work that we do if I can.
I answered the same questions repeatedly, for the same person, for 3 hours on Monday afternoon.
I just kept repeating the same answers because the same questions were being asked repeatedly, just in different ways.
 
The person was really aggravated with some things, and it is my opinion, that I took the brunt of this person's anger and frustration simply because I was there, because it's my job to help and answer questions, because it's what I am supposed to do, but taking anger and frustration out on me is not ok, that's not part of my job description at all.
But I took it, I dealt with it, I simply kept repeating the answers that I knew in the most polite way that I could.
And I was polite, I was cordial, I just kept trying to help the person with their issues, tried to help them understand why things are a certain way, and they just kept getting angrier, my answers were not good enough, but even when I explained how they could get the answers they wanted from the only people that could give them those answers, they just continued to get angry because they wanted those answers now, from me, and I am not capable of giving those answers.
I really felt like I was being stepped on because I was there, available, someone to dump on.
I even said a few times that I needed to log out, that I needed to go make dinner for my kids, they just kept going.

When I was finally able to log out, I had to rush to get dinner going, and I was washing a spatula in the sink, didn't see the big carving knife, and I cut my left index finger.
It kept bleeding and bleeding, 3 bandaids couldn't stop it, and I didn't feel like going to the ER for stitches, so I superglued it.

People need to realize that I was asked to do it because I paid attention from day 1, and I have an excellent memory for pieces of information, I'd be great on Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit.
I can recall an exact bit of information or a message and approximately when it came out, and people are able to find that message in the system during the time frame and title that I gave them.
Keeping me tied up for 3 hours to have someone to yell at, is really, truly, not fucking ok.
I'm not a punching bag, I'm not the one you can yell at, but come on, we all know that when given the opportunity to yell at the people that are the intended targets of this hostility and anger, instead of yelling, it all ass kissing and brown nosing.
There's a ton of "You're so awesome Txxx!" and "This company rocks!" and "I love you guys!"
No one ever actually tells them the thingscomplaints that get said to me in the way that they are said to me, because the people who complain with their left hand, and ass kiss with their right hand, don't want to get fired from this job.
I see it every single day on the forums.
Complain, bitch, moan, repeat until the owner shows up, and then suddenly it's all thank yous, and I love yous, and all kinds of assorted ass kissing.
They leave, and it's right back to complaining again.

Some of them have one face that they show to the boss and everyone else on the forums, and one that they only show in private messages to me.
The one on the forums is all nice and sweet, polite, kind, trying to be helpful, and the other that they show to me in private messages when they feel like complaining, is a really mean, nasty, angry and frustrated face with anger lines instead of laugh lines.

I'll tell you what though, I'm really tired of being dumped on like that.
My job is to answer the questions that I have the answers to, and to help with things people need help with, that's it.
I am not the one that anyone is allowed to just pour out all of their anger and frustrations on.
I am not the doormat or the punching bag, I am the one who takes time out of my days and nights, out of my life, to help other people and answer questions.

I do have a life ya know.
Yeah, it may not be a glamorous one, it may not even be one where I am going out with friends all of the time living it up, but I do have a very busy and hectic, very stressful life.
I have a ton of pretty major health issues, and now I have a son who I have given some of those health issues to as a genetic gift.
I have my own doctor appointments every month, and now I have to schedule his in-between mine. 
I had to cancel his MRI on Monday at the last minute because our ride had an issue with his car,  we were outside waiting for him to show, and he called my cell to tell me the car was dead, dead battery or something, wouldn't turn over, so I had to come in and cancel it.  a
And now I have to reschedule it when I can find another ride or come up with the $15 each way to take a cab.

I'll probably end up doing that on payday this week once I see how much pay I'm going to have.
I lost a lot of work this past week due to my son's medical appointments, and my own ear infection last week, and because I spent a great deal of time helping people, doing my job.
I was busy helping people, the system flipped over to the next time period or whatever it is that it does, and all of the work I had, completely vanished.

I spend so much time, like I did on Sunday and Monday, on the work forums helping other people and answering questions, that I have to scramble and race to get my own work done on time.
I highly doubt that anyone even thinks of that, as a matter of fact, I'm like 99.9% positive that nobody thinks that I have my own work to do, so it's not a big deal to them to keep me there asking question after question, or like today, keeping me there to have someone to yell at for 3 freaking hours.
There's only 3 people who know that I have my own work to do and that I end up racing to get it done almost every single payroll period.

I mean would you just look at the freaking time that I made this post?!
I spent almost all day Sunday on the work forums, I spent almost all day on Monday on the work forums, minus the time mid-morning on Monday that I took a shower, made Mark take a shower, and then waited for our ride that eventually couldn't make it, all of the while going through medical documents to make sure that I have everything, filled everything out, crossed every 't', dotted every 'i', and signed by him because he's now 18 and considered an adult, legally old enough to deal with his own medical procedures, yet he doesn't have the slightest clue what any of those papers say, so I have to go through everything with him and get him to understand it all and then sign his name, and all of the while I'm doing all of that and waiting for our ride, I still kept hopping on the work forums to help people.
And because of how things went on Sunday and Monday dealing with an issue that everyone was having, and then dealing with that 1 person for 3 hours on Monday, I never got to post to either of my blogs until now, almost 5am on Tuesday.
It's extremely frustrating.
 
Please don't anyone mistake this as me hating my job and maybe I shouldn't do it anymore, don't even think that, not even for 1 stinking second!
I LOVE my job, I LOVE what I do, I LOVE helping other people, it is soooo gratifying, it gives me a sense of purpose, it makes me feel like I'm doing something good for others.
But when people take what I do for granted, or treat me bad, or speak to me so dis-respectively, it really hurts.
I give of my time, my life, to help other people every single day for hours and hours and hours, so to have someone spend a lot of time, my time, talking to me negatively because they are upset about something else, or at someone else, or yelling at me for things which I have absolutely no control over or any power to do anything about, really, really sucks.
And it hurts, it hurts a lot.

I think people just assume that because I am a disabled stay at home mom who does this job, that I must have no life and nothing to do, so they totally take advantage of me, they take advantage of my time like it's not a big deal, they rarely ever say please when asking for help, and they like never say thank you when the help has been provided. 
Not too many others say thank you for the help either, it's like manners don't exist anymore.
If someone helps you, say thank you, if you need help, say please when asking, and try not to be a total jerk-face to the person who's trying to help you.

If you're mad about something or mad at someone, try really super duper hard to NOT take it out of the person who has been helping you as much as they possibly can.
Try to remember that they are not the reason that you are so angry and frustrated.
Try to remember that they have a life too, but they are helping you because it's a good thing to do, because helping your fellow man is the right thing to do.
It feels good to help someone who needs help, it feels really good, but when you don't get a please before or at the start, and a thank you after, or if the during the time you are helping them, they are being a snarky freaking jerk to you, it can totally drain all of the good feelings that you had and instantly make you feel hurt, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, betrayed, upset, and stressed out.
But mostly, you just feel bad inside, and taken advantage of, used as someone's emotional punching bag, and that feeling sucks the big time.

I felt that way on Monday night, I felt that way while it was happening, I felt that way when it finally ended, and I have felt that way all night Monday and now here it is Tuesday morning at 5:30am,  (I started posting this at about 4am Tuesday) and I still feel totally beaten down and drained from that whole thing, I feel like an emotional punching bag that totally got the stuffing just kicked and punched right out of it.
In other words, I still feel terrible.

That whole thing made me cry to be totally honest about it.
I did my best, I gave up 3 hours of my time and life, I looked for answers, sorted through my emails, through threads and posts, I did everything that I could to help that person, and they still kept coming at me with some hard left hooks and some painful right uppercuts.
It really is so not ok to take out your anger and frustration that you have for someone else on the person helping you.
It's just not.

*Raises can of cold Diet Coke*
Here's to hoping that Tuesday is a much better day.

When I saw my counselor the other day, we forgot to set up an appointment for next week, so I just called her and left her a message about setting up a new appointment.

It's really helping me to have someone on the outside of all of this big huge mess to talk to.       
I can just dump out everything, all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, and start to unload some of the guilt that has built up over the last 10 and a half years.
I can also talk to her about the big family mess that is going on, see what she thinks I should do, if there even is something that I can do.
It just kills me to have this be happening, I hate it, but I'm at a total loss of what to do about it.
Hopefully when I have my next appointment I can talk to her about it and see what she thinks of it all.

I took my 9th dose of Elavil tonight, and I think that it IS starting to work.
I am starting to not get as emotional as I have been over the last few months, and I know this because while Mark was playing his game, WoW, the person who is part of the problems I am currently having with my family, popped up in the private chat system and started talking to him about it again.
Mark knows that she is lying about what is going on, so he decided to test her, to see if she would lie again.
Mark had read the email from my parents that said if we go to Maine, that we are not welcome to stay with them at their house while we are there, that we can only visit for 1 day, it was my mother's words, her email sent to me, and he knows exactly what that email said,
so he wanted to see if she would lie about me/it again, and she did.

Mark asked her why Ninny and Pop-pop do not want us to stay with them, and she replied back that they never said that, that I am twisting my mother's words around.
Mark replied to her that he read my mother's email, that I did not twist anything around, that is what it said, and that they also said it to Sebastian when he called to ask why we couldn't stay with them.
She then told Mark that Sebastian is lying, that my parents never said that, but he hung up on them before they could finish what they were trying to tell him.
Mark then told her that wasn't true either, that he was listening to Sebastian on the phone, he heard his grandfather say that we could not stay when we visit, and that Sebastian did not hang up on them. Pop-pop said that he needed to go take a shower and then get ready for bed, Sebastian said ok, I love you, and Pop-pop said it back to him, that he loved him, and good-bye, Sebastian said good-bye, and they both hung up together.
She did not reply, so Mark asked if she got the message, she said yes, but still insisted that I twisted my parents words around and that Sebastian did hang up on them, and then she logged out of the game.

Mark called me into the room to tell me what just happened, and he was really angry that she lied again, and he wanted me to read their exchange.
I couldn't read the words on the screen, the font is too small and it's in pink, so he read it to me, his words to her, her words back, I followed along the screen the best that I could, and then he said he couldn't believe she just lied again, he was really hurt and really angry that she is lying, like super pissed off that she lied again.
Then he said that he was really sorry for doubting me about the lies that have been going on, that he wasn't sure who to believe, but now he saw it with his own eyes, she is lying, she lied to him when he knows the truth about what my parents said in the email, that I did not twist their words around, and that Sebastian did not hang up on them, he knows the truth and he is really sorry that he ever doubted me.

A week ago this would have torn me up pretty bad, I would have begun bawling my eyes out, I would have started yelling and screaming about it all, but I didn't this time.
Instead, I asked him to stand up, I gave him a huge hug and told him that I am so sorry that all of this is happening and that if I knew a way to make it all end, that I would stop it immediately, but I don't know how to make it stop, I have no idea how to make everyone else see that lies are being told.
He hugged me back and told me that it was ok, he wiped away the few tears that were falling down my face, and he told me that someday everyone will learn the truth about all of this, that they will see that I am not the one lying, that I am not doing illegal drugs, that I and not the cause of all of this.
Then he said that he was really sorry for ever calling her, that all he wanted was just a few days away from me, a break from it all because I was a mess, I was crying all of the time for days, that he and Sebastian just wanted a break because they didn't know how to help me feel better, they were scared, and tired, and worried, that is all, they never wanted what is happening, that if they knew that wanting a break was going to cause all of this, make my parents not want to see me or speak to me ever again, that they never would have asked for any help, that they would have just hung in there until my doctor's appointment a week away. 

I could see that he was really upset and really sorry, he was all teary eyed and hugging me so tightly I thought he was going to break my ribs.
Last week this would have really ripped me up, I would have been screaming about how this is all just so wrong, I would have been crying like crazy, but tonight I just hugged him back and told him it was ok, that it was all going to be ok eventually, and that I do NOT blame him and Sebastian for any of this, it's not their fault at all, and that I loved him very, very much.
He stopped hugging me, wiped away his tears and then mine, and told me that he loved me very much too.

I am just so sorry that all of this is happening, I really do wish that I knew a way to make it all stop, but I don't.
I just have to wait it out, hope that someday everyone will realize that these are all really vicious lies, and that none of it is true at all.
I want my sons to stop hurting, I want them to be ok, to be loved and welcomed by their family, but until the lies get cleared up, that we are just going to have to forget it all, just do what we need to do as a family, keep our little family together and going.
It's all that we can do, it's all that I can do, I need to be here for my sons, and so yeah, I do think that the antidepressant is really starting to work, I am not as emotional as I was, I have a better grip on the situation, and so that is a good thing.
I'm still not "happy", I am still carrying a lot of anger and guilt, but with the counseling and the antidepressant, I think that those things will get better in time.

Ok, so, the Elavil isn't totally working yet.
I don't know why I expected it to work quickly, I think I was hoping it would work quickly, but it definitely isn't.
When the shower head got broken this afternoon, I had a major blow out.
I just fell apart, I cried, I yelled, I just lost it and started bawling my eyes out.
I am so totally overwhelmed with everything that is going on, and I do not have a grip on it all yet.
I don't have a grip on any of it yet.

Having a problem with my tooth isn't helping matters either.
I called Humana, and they said that my insurance does cover part of dental stuff, like it will cover extractions, but not root canals, no cosmetic stuff, just basic teeth stuff.
So I called around to some local dentist offices and holy crap, I had to control myself from gasping extremely loud over how much it's going to cost to get that tooth extracted, even with the insurance, I am still going to end up paying some hefty out of pocket expenses.
And just because I was curious, I asked how much it would be to get my front chipped tooth fixed, capped or whatever it is they do, and damn, that is even more expensive.
If I lived in New Jersey, I could get $100 bucks off at least.
I was surfing around and saw an ad on MSNBC, for an orange nj cosmetic dentist who is offering anywhere from $100 off, up to $300 off, his dental services and depending on what it is you need done.
None of the dentists or cosmetic dentists here, are offering any kind of discounts on any of their services.
You would think that they would be considering how bad the economy is, and people still need their teeth taken care of, but paying full price is really tough, it's always tough paying for dentists, but even harder now with the economy in the dumper.
If dentists offered even just $100 bucks off on even the most basic service, people would feel better about going and paying to get their teeth taken care of.
Oh well, I'll just keep filling my tooth with Dentemp until I can find a dentist who will take care of it cheaply, or I'll just go down to the clinic and get it yanked out and then worry about getting my chipped tooth taken care of at a much later time.
It's been chipped for quite a few years now, so a few more years won't really be a big deal.
The pain in that one tooth is a big deal though, so I have to get it taken out very soon before it becomes abscessed.
If it gets infected, it causes all kinds of new problems that will be even more costly.

I took my 6th dose of Elavil, the antidepressant, tonight, and I'm not totally sure it's working yet, but I do feel better, like I have more energy, a want to get things done.
I still don't feel different emotionally, I am still sad, still angry, and just plain ol' fed up.

My life is an open book, I have 2 blogs, I put it all out there, and whatever I don't put out here, I verbally tell it to someone else, so it's really all out in the open, and honestly, I'm tired of people looking at my life and judging me for how I live.
I didn't choose this, I didn't choose to live with 32 inches of titanium attached to my spine, I didn't choose to live in chronic and constant pain, I would give anything to not have to live like this.
I'm sick and tired of being watched, judged, and having people think they know better than myself or my doctors, how my life should be.

I've spent years and years being nagged because I smoke.
I never nag anyone for how they choose to live, be that smoking, drinking, or whatever it is that people do to get through their daily lives.

I stopped being the one to answer the phone about 7-8 months ago.
The only time I answer the phone is if I'm home alone, but if the boys are here, they answer it because I'm sick of hearing other people complain about my life.
There have been many times that I told the boys to say that I was sleeping, in the bathroom, at the store, whatever, just so I wouldn't have to talk and listen to people say things about my life.
I know smoking is bad, I know that it causes cancer, I know that it kills, but everybody dies, everybody will die, and I am not afraid of dying and death because I've accepted that it happens to everyone, and I might as well smoke and be happy until the day that I die.
If smoking kills me, then so be it.
I got tired of hearing how I should be farther along in my recovery, or why haven't the doctors done something else, or telling me that the pain is all in my head, I got tired of it so I stopped answering and talking on the phone.
I got tired of hearing how imperfect I am from people who are so far from perfect themselves it makes me want to scream.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
That is so very, very true.
Or how about judge not lest ye be judged?
Yup, that one is true too.
I am filled with rage and a burning desire to lash out and retaliate, I so want to just say every single thing I've kept a secret for years.
I want to just scream out about all kinds of things, but I won't, I can't, I am not that kind of person.
I am not a hateful or vindictive person, I know that if I say all of the things that I want to say, that it will really hurt someone, it could cause some major problems for them, and as angry as I am at them, as much as I want to hurt them, I don't want to see them hurt, I don't want to see their life ruined.
Does that make sense?
I do but I don't want to hurt them.
I'm sure if they keep going the way they are, that they will eventually hurt themselves anyway.
The truth, all of their truths, will eventually come out without me having to do a single thing.

I thought that I would/should start documenting how it's going with the new antidepressant.
I want to keep a record of how it's going so that if any bad or weird side effects happen, I will know what day they happened, and so that I can tell my doctor how I am doing.
I don't want to have to ask my sons or my friends to keep an eye on me like the drug information page says for them to do.
Keeping a record of how I am doing and the side effects, will also help me determine if I am losing or gaining weight, one of the side effects of Elavil is weight gain, so I want to keep an eye on myself.

I am at 170lbs as of tonight, so if I start gaining weight, if I balloon up to 200lbs, for example, I can then ask my doctor to help me lose the weight or change the antidepressant.
If I gain too much weight too soon, I could ask my doctor to change it and also to give me something to help me lose weight, maybe something like some ephedra diet pills that will suppress my appetite as well as give me a boost of energy so that I can lose weight quicker from moving my body more and moving it faster.

Of course, moving my body more and moving it faster,will cause my body to be hurting pretty bad the next day, and it will take a day or 2 of laying down on the couch and taking it easy until I can get the pain back under control again.
It seems like a lot of things in my life lately are of the damned if you do, damned if you don't type of things.
I really am just so lost and confused on what to do about so many things right now.
*sigh*

But anyway, I took the Elavil on Saturday night at 10pm, and just like the previous 4 nights, instead of making me sleepy like it's supposed to do, it wakes me up, gives me a ton of energy, so I went and did the dishes and then cleaned the bathroom.

I don't feel much different yet, no change in emotions or thoughts yet, and I hope that it doesn't take 4 weeks like the drug information page said it might take.
I really hope that it will only take a week, and that I don't have any bad side effects.
But so far, nothing has changed emotionally.

I will keep documenting how things are going as I go.

Well, it looks like I'll be back on the hunt for the best weight loss pill again very soon.
One of the side effects of the antidepressant that the doc put me on is weight gain.
Just doing a Google search for various side effects like I do for every new medication I get put on, I came across a lot of search results for weight gain when I was searching for weight loss.
My doc put me on Elavil for my depression.

Anytime I get put on a new medication, I look it up.
I check multiple sites too, I want to make sure that they all say the same thing as far as what it does, side effects, long term effects on the body etc.
Just reading up on Elavil now, and look!
Now people can really freak out!

You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start taking an antidepressant, especially if you are younger than 24 years old. Your doctor will need to check you at regular visits for at least the first 12 weeks of treatment.

I wasn't suicidal before, but I might just get that way now that I'm taking a medicine that is supposed to help me get happy. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Oh, this is really just great, I wanted to stop these things from happening, but this drug might make these things happen, and might make them worse.
Awesome!

Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

I swear, the side effects of the drug are just as bad as the reason I'm taking the drug.
Elavil can cause you to be suicidal.
That's really fantastic.
I wasn't suicidal before, but I might just get that way now, that's really great
I will have to be monitored for up to 12 weeks from the date I first start taking it, which was on the 14th, because it can cause me to become more depressed and feel suicidal during that first 3 months.
That really stinks.
I am taking this so I can get better, stop being depressed, and it can actually cause me to get even more depressed in the first 3 months of using it.
I'm supposed to warn my family and friends to be alert to the changes in my mood and behavior so that they can tell me to tell my doctor.
My sons have been through enough, they don't need to be watching over me to see if I get worse.
Why the heck do the side effects of these drugs that are supposed to make us better, have to be just as bad or worse than the reason we take them?!
And my doc's PA was wrong, it can take up to 4 weeks to start working, but it could possibly be a rough time during the first 3 months due to he possibility of feeling even more depressed.
Just read through all of the side effects and possible side effects of Elavil, it's really kinda nuts.
I want to know why it says to tell your doctor if you regularly take other medications that make you sleepy, like pain meds or muscle relaxers.
It doesn't say why you should tell your doctor, it just says that you should, and I do, I take pain meds and a muscle relaxer every single day.
Elavil is supposed to make you sleepy, but so far after taking it at night for the last 4 nights now, it is not making me sleepy, it's having the opposite effect, I am wide awake for hours after taking it.
So wide awake in fact, that I have a ton of energy and could start cleaning the house at like midnight.

I don't know, I just don't know.
All I do know is that I don't want to feel worse, I do not want to get more depressed, I do not want to start thinking about suicide, it has already been a horrible 3 months for me, watching myself get more and more depressed, knowing that I was getting worse but still holding it together, I cannot get any worse, I just can't.
It would not be a good thing people, it really wouldn't.

Extreme stress, worry, fear, sadness, all of it, has made me completely lose my appetite, I have no need for any diet pills whatsoever.
I haven't eaten anything in days, I can't, the smell of food, the thought of food, makes me just feel horrible.
Not sick, but just not wanting to eat it at all, nothing is appealing, not even the slightest bit.
This is all just so screwed up, no one is listening, no one understands what life with chronic pain is like, what any of this has been like.
My frustration is at an all time high, I am just ready to explode.

I posted a few days ago about having a yard sale sometime in the near future and also selling off all of my jewelry.
I don't have a lot, exactly 23 pieces went into the envelope, but it's all I have and I hope it brings me at least some decent amount of money, $400-$600 would be great even though I know there's at least 1 piece in there worth at least $1,000.
It'd be great if I had like some Ferrari parts for sale to make some money super fast, but I don't, so this is my only option.
I don't trust any of those places that are advertising to buy your scrap gold jewelry right now, I have heard way too many bad things about them, and if you do a Google search on each of their names, you find not only their site, but sites where people talk about being completely ripped off.
They don't even come close to half the value of your jewelry, barely a third, and in some cases, downright stealing from people for mere pennies.

There's a local place in Tampa, I thought that I would actually have to go to them to trade in my stuff for cash, but they have a "gold kit" too, so I requested one.
It came in today's mail and I have gone through every single piece of jewelry and packed it all up to stick in tomorrow's outgoing mail.
The Gold & Diamond Source in Tampa, is where I am sending my jewelry.
From the FAQ's about their buying services, "We accept ONLY precious metal jewelry and genuine precious gems & diamonds, including broken gold. Please do not send costume jewelry as we cannot return these items."

Nothing I am sending them is costume jewelry, it's all gold, a minimum of 10k, .925 sterling silver, and jewelry with real gemstones in them, and some of them even have diamonds.
A few of the pieces are broken, so I know I won't get a lot of money for them, but my finances are in really rough shape right now so this is something that I have to do.
They say they they will mail a check within 24 hours of receiving my envelope, and so because they are right in Tampa, I know that I will have a check in my hands probably no later than Saturday, probably by Thursday.

I really hate to sell my stuff, but like I said, things are really super bad right now, I am having panic attacks for like the first time in years, panic attacks so bad that my heart is practically exploding out of my chest.
I know that's not true, but that's how it feels.
It feels like I'm having a heart attack, and I know that it's the stress over money issues that is causing it.
For quite a few years now, I've been on a good track, paying all of my bills on time every single month, really doing ok, and then the surgery in September happened, depression happened, I wasn't doing as much work as I should have been doing, used to do, the AC had to be replaced in October 2008, and then again this past February, so almost $1,000 on the AC, my health, prescriptions not covered by my insurance, yeah, things just kept coming and coming, and before I knew it, I was buried under money issues again and now it's at the point where I can barely freaking breathe from the panic attacks.
I mean, I'm sitting here right now, and my heart is beating so damn fast it's unreal.

If the Gold & Diamond Source gives me at least $500 for my stuff, I'll be in a way better position than I am right now.
It's not what I need of course, and it's certainly not what everything in that envelope is worth, again, 1 item alone has a value of $1,000, never been worn, mint condition, but I have to take whatever I can get right now.

The surgery, not right now anyway.
My surgeon is someone I trust so much, you have no idea how much I trust that man.
He has never lied to me about any of the risks, how I would be after the surgery, any difficulties I would face when I came home, anything.
He always looks me dead in the eye and tells me the honest truth about everything, so when he looked me in the eyes on Wednesday and told me all of the risks, no matter how small, and then asked me to consider not doing and his feelings on why, I knew, I know, that I have to trust him.

Even though he would be operating above me and his surgeon partner below me, and the same entire surgical team that has been in there with my previous surgeries, measuring and adjusting, and doing everything that they can to try and make my head be straight, something is telling him, worrying him, that it would over correct and I would end up facing upward.
I could see it in his eyes, I have had so many talks with this man over the years, I know how to read him, and I know that look in his eyes was genuine worry that it would have over corrected and come out facing up.
I am going to call him tomorrow and tell him to cancel the operating room, for now, and for him to keep looking for a way to fix me with less risks, to keep talking to other surgeons in this field, maybe one of them will know how to do it better some day, maybe one of them will know how to do it without all of the risks.
Medical science is constantly changing, they are always finding new ways of doing things, so maybe they will find a new way to do this in a year or 2, or 5, who knows, I just have to hang in there and wait.
And he said he will always help me, if I end up having too much pain, he will help me, he'll do whatever he can to help me until the day comes that we find a way to fix this without so many risks to my body and life. 
Facing up would be a thousand times worse than facing down, I would not be able to live that way, there's no way, I wouldn't.
Facing down has been a nightmare that I can't wake up from, facing up would push me over the psychological edge and that would be the end of me, I would never mentally recover from that.

So now I can stop searching so hard for the best term life insurance quotes , I have time to find a good plan at reasonable rates that I can afford so that when they do find a way to fix me, if something goes wrong, there will be money to pay for my cremation.

I posted to my other blog what is going on with the surgery, and my friend Shannon asked the following question;
Is there a reason, other than the obvious, choking and looking down always, that the surgery needs to be done?
The choking is a huge reason, I choke on food while I'm eating if it's a meat and not cut up into itty bitty pieces and I don't chew it to death, I choke on it if it decides to come back up and out, but it's a major quality of life issue.

For the last 9 months, I have been looking down.
My line of sight is down, I see things at knee level and below, I am always looking at the ground, the floor, the carpet, and when I go places, the ground, the dirty ground, the dirty floors of stores etc etc.
On the day that Mark graduated, I wanted so much to be able to look into his face, into his eyes, and tell him how very proud of him I was, how much I loved him, and I couldn't.
I couldn't see anything above his chest and I was straining so physically hard to see that much, leaning back as far as I could, using my cane for stability, and I still could not see his face.

When I go grocery shopping, I cannot see anything above the 3rd bottom shelf.
If I need something above that, I have to back up against the other shelf, find it and either tell 1 of the teens who is with me to get it, or find it exactly, and then walk to it and blindly reach for it and hope that I grab the right product.
I cannot lift anything heavier than 5lbs, if I do, I hurt terribly for the next several days.
Straining my neck to try and see things or people, or road signs, whatever, puts incredible stress on my neck and shoulders and lower back, and I am then in pain for the next several days and unable to do even basic things around the house.

The teens can and do help me with everything around here.
They go grocery shopping with me, they do the laundry, dishes, they help clean the house, they help me cook, everything, but there will come a day when they are grown up and gone and they will not be here to help me with all of those things.
My house will slowly become a disaster no matter how much I try to stay on top of it.
Just trying to stay on top of it daily, causes a ton of pain.
Standing to do dishes for just 5 minutes, causes me to be in immense pain for hours.

I called my surgeon and spoke to him about what if I don't do this surgery, will he ever be able to do it without so many risks, and he said that he will always help me, that he will continue to search for a way to fix me so that my quality of life improves, so that the always present risk of choking to death on food will end, and that medical science is always changing and improving, but he has no idea when it will come up with a way to fix me.
It could be a month from now or 10 years from now, there is simply no way to know, but he will always keep looking for a way, and he and his staff will always help me.

The last 9 months have been extremely depressing, always looking at the ground, not being able to see my son's faces or anyone else either unless we are all sitting down.
People think that I am being rude when they are talking to me and I don't make eye contact, and then I have to explain to them that I cannot raise my head, and then the questions start and I have to explain everything.
Then the pity comes.
The I'm so sorrys, the oh you poor thing, the it will get better, the keep your faith, the god loves you and is giving you what he thinks you can handle bullshit, and the never ending I'm praying for you fucking shit.
If 1 more person tells me that they are praying for me, I might fucking explode.
People have been praying for me and my back issues to be fixed for years, and has it ever done any good at all?
Has it!?!
Tell me!!!!
What has any of that never ending fucking prayer accomplished?!?!
Not a fucking thing that's what!!!
All of those prayers have never gotten anything done, it's all been wasted time and breath, so just fucking stop it, just stop it.
And I really don't want to hear that people pray and god does it in his time, on his time, when he feels it's time.
There is no god, that is evident but all of the world's ills around us and the years upon years of endless unanswered prayers, so just stop, it's a waste of time and it does nothing but piss me off.

The thought of being like this possibly for the rest of my life is overwhelming, it is too much to think about at times.
The last 9 months have been so hard, and I have been sinking further and further into depression.
I know that I need to talk to my doctor about it on Wednesday when I see him, I need to tell him what my surgeon said, let him know that I am still deciding what I should do, but I need to tell him that my depression over this is getting much worse.
Yesterday, I was an absolute wreck, I cried off and on all day long thinking about being like this for possibly for the rest of my life if they never find a way to fix it without so many risks.
Thinking about what my life is going to be like when the teens grow up and leave, how alone I will be, how hard everything will be.
I was so hopeful that eventually I would have a somewhat normal life again, be able to see people's faces, be able to go out again, sit in a movie theater and watch a movie, go out to eat in restaurants, do normal things again, but all of those normal every day things that people take for granted are slipping away from me again.
I am a prisoner in my home, a prisoner of my own body.

Friends and family, my own sons, keep telling me that I could find a nice man some day who would understand, who would be able to deal with all of this, and fall in love with me.
But I don't think so.
Once that man learns the real truth about it all, he wouldn't be able to deal with it, and he would leave.
I am in pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I take a crapload of pain medications that I am physically addicted to.
I am physically unable to do a lot of things, normal every day type things, never mind do relationship type things, sexual relationship type things.
Doing any type of physical activity leaves me in pain and can take hours or days to recover from depending on what that activity is.
Just going to Mark's graduation left me in agonizing pain for the next 3 days, and we didn't even stay for the entire event.
Going grocery shopping for just 1 hour takes me 3 hours to recover from.
You see what I'm getting at here?
Having a normal, loving, sexual relationship with someone is going to be something that causes physical pain and then long recovery periods.
My future is not looking very bright at all.
It's looking very lonesome, very painful, and very depressing, even more depressing than it already is, and so I need to discuss this stuff with my doctor, I know that I have to.
I hate the thought of having to take a medication for depression, but it's getting worse, I am having thoughts of just quitting when the teens grow up and leave.
No, I'm not actually planning anything, but the thoughts are there, the thoughts of they will be grown up and on their own, they will be ok, and I can go, I can end my suffering.
I am not as strong as everyone keeps saying, and that is something else that I am sick and tired of people saying to me, that I'm such a strong person.
No I'm not.
There's a huge difference between being strong and just going through the motions because you have no other fucking choice in the matter.
I have had no other choice in the matter for the last 10+ years.
I am a single mother of 2 teenagers and I have a really bad back.
I have had to get up and keep going because there has been no other option for me, not because I'm strong.
I stopped being Superwoman many, many years ago.

I'm tired, so very, very, very tired.
I'm physically and emotionally drained, I honestly do not know how much more of this life I can take.

I have not been doing so well over the last few days weeks because of all of the stuff going on in my life right now.
Mark is graduating high school on May 30th from 9am-1pm at the local arena.
Over 950 students are graduating, that's why it's going to be 4 hours long.
4 hours in what I am sure is a very uncomfortable chair, I have no idea how I'm going to physically deal with that, but I AM going to deal with it because my baby boy, my 1st baby is graduating from high school.
I postponed my surgery so that I could be there to see him graduate, so I will get through 4 very long uncomfortable hours no matter what.

Then Monday, June 1st, is Sebastian's birthday and the start of hurricane season.
Sebastian has been feeling like everyone forgot his birthday because of all of the talk about Mark's graduation.
NO ONE has forgotten his birthday at all, it's on Monday, Mark's graduation is on the Saturday before it.
Trust me, I know when his birthday is, I recall that day crystal clear.
But he's worried that people will forget his birthday, that he won't get any birthday cards in the mail from all of his relatives like his grandparents, his aunts, etc.
He just thinks that everyone will forget because Mark's graduation is such a big deal.
I keep trying to tell him that no one has forgotten, that he will get his birthday cards filled with handwritten words of birthday wishes and love from everyone, to stop worrying.
Yes, we are all excited about Mark graduating, but we have not forgotten his birthday.

And I'm just really stressing about the upcoming surgery big time.
I always get like this for weeks before the surgery, and then I'm ok about a week before it actually happens.
Like, I suddenly snap back and suddenly able to deal with it all, I get mentally prepared for it, I become positive and ready, but until that morning when I wake up ready to just do it, I'm an absolute wreck.
That's how I am right now.
I am a total freaking wreck.
I know that I will be ok, but for now I'm just one giant ball of stress and worry about everything.
And I have so much to do.
I need to make sure that all of my papers are in order again, my DNR, my sound mind and health statements about where and who I want the teens to live with in the event that something goes wrong.
And I know that those papers don't constitute actual custody papers, but a judge would take them into consideration when determining custody if something should go terribly wrong and I don't make it back.
I do not want my ex-husband, their father, to have them, and they do not want to go with him anyway.
They are old enough to tell a judge where and who they want to live with, and that is who is written in my papers.
There are 3 people/families, written in order of who we want them to live with 1st, and if that family can't do it, the next, and so on.
The teens have made it very clear that if something does happen and I die, that if a judge orders them to live with their father, they will run away and not go back no matter what.
And then Mark will file for emancipation, and then file for custody of Sebastian.
They absolutely refuse to live with their father.

All of this stuff and more is on my mind and stressing me out, it all has to be dealt with, and I will deal with it, I just am struggling right now, I need to get to that mental point where it just clicks and I'm ok.
But I am not there right now, I am nowhere close to that right now.
I am a mess 24/7, I cry at the drop of a hat, I can barely sleep, I can barely eat.
I need to get to the good place but it's just not happened yet.

Today was a very rough day, it actually started last night and yesterday afternoon as rains moved into the area.
The titanium rods get so cold, just so so cold, it's painful and agonizing, and I just hurt over every inch of my body.
Today was so painful, I laid in bed most of the day trying to sleep, but the pain was just too much, and so instead of sleeping, I spent the day crying.

I hate this ya know, I hate this life that I live.
Every day is a struggle to move and do things, take care of my home and family, try to do what I'm supposed to, try to do it all through the pain, and some days it's just too much.

I have to have another surgery, and the thought of going through it again, dealing with more pain and more recovery time, just makes me very angry and depressed.
I hate the pain, I hate constant and never ending pain, the constant pain medications, I hate it all, every single bit of it.
There are days, much like today, that I simply don't even want to go on anymore, I want it to all just stop, I want it all to be over with.
I'm so fucking sick of being in pain, being on pain meds, being stuck in these awful and painful positions.
I'm so fucking tired, just so so fucking tired of it all.

Sometimes I think I just need a really long vacation to somewhere secluded, to be all alone and not have to deal with anything or anyone.
I've even thought of being trapped on a cruise ship, locking myself in my room, only venturing out to eat, maybe taking walks on the decks late at night when other people are dancing away in the nightclubs or sleeping soundly.
I just want some major alone time, and I don't think I'm going to get any very soon.
Why?
I fade in and out of depression a lot, especially in these last few months.
I rarely sleep anymore, often lying awake all night long in my room just waiting for the alarm to go off, or laying on the couch watching mindless tv all night just to pass the time.
I need the surgery, I can't stay living like this, but I also don't want to go through another surgery again, I don't want to put my family through another one again.
It's hard, so so hard on all of us.
I don't have a date yet, but now that I know when Mark's graduation is, I want to wait until after that to have the next surgery, I don't want to miss it by being in the hospital, and I also don't want to miss it because I just got home from the hospital, and I also don't want to show up at his graduation in that terrible halo brace.
I think I'm going to call my surgeon on Monday morning and request that we do it in June.
That way I won't miss his graduation or have to go to it that brace, plus, both teens will be out of school for the year, they won't miss any school, they won't be in school worried about me either.
I think that's the best plan for all of us who have to deal with this.
But it also means another month or so like this, with my head stuck down, with not being able to eat unless other people are home because of the risks of choking, and being in so much pain.
But it really is the best plan I think, even if it means having to wait a bit longer.

I woke up this morning at 5:45am, sent the teens to school, and then went back to sleep until my alarm went off at 10am.
I try to give myself as much sleep as I can because I usually am not sleeping.
Well something happened during going back to sleep and waking up again.
I don't know if it was a bad dream or what, but when I woke up, I didn't know what day it was, where I was, what time it was, nothing.
I was completely lost in my own house.
I didn't recognize anything at all, I didn't feel like I was in my home, I called out, no one answered, I started yelling because I didn't know where I was or time, or day, and then suddenly, like a light switch being hit, I knew all of the answers.
It was very weird.
Maybe I was still sorta sleeping or dreaming, not sure, but it scared me that I didn't know anything.

I went to my surgeon appointment this afternoon, I didn't see my surgeon, he was in surgery, so I saw one of the other surgical team members.
She went over my CT Scan results, text and the films, and we talked about everything, what the plan is, what they will do, what they can do, and what may happen.

The plan is to completely remove the vertebrae at C7, you can see where that is on this chart, and then after removing that vertebrae, they would pull C6 down to meet up with T1, or pull T1 up to meet up with C6, whatever.
In order to do this, all of the rods that are currently installed from C1 to T3, would need to be taken out, they would leave all of the screws in place because they will need those later to attach new rods again.
By removing that vertebrae, it would straighten my neck and head out.
My head isn't totally collapsed down on it's own, it's actually the fault of C7, that my head is facing down.
Right at C7, my spine starts curving forward, and so my head looks tilted down, but it's actually my whole neck they said.
Yes, C1 and C2, are congenitally fused from birth, there is no disc between them at all, and they did bend forward a bit, but it is C7 that is causing the forward bending and downward tilt.

Once they remove C7, pull up T1 to meet up with C6, they will decide if they need to fuse me all of the way up to the base of my skull, the occipital bone,  which would prevent any movement at all, forever.
I would never turn my head left or right, or up and down, ever again.
That is something I have come to terms with, and I am ok with it because right now, looking down all of the time, is very depressing, and it actually causes dizzy spells, I lose my balance a lot too.
It is not a definite that they will have to do that, so until it actually happens, I am not going to worry about it.

Because of the new CT films, they have a much better look at what's going on, they know better now what they are facing, and what will more than likely happen.
Because of the new films and what they can see, the risk percentages have come way, way down, and the trach tube, which I have been in an almost panic over, dwelling on it constantly, if they have to do it at all, it would NOT be in for 3-4 months at all.
It would only be in for about 2 weeks total, and it would only be put in if during surgery, my neck muscles started tightening up on the breathing tube (intubation tube used during surgery to keep you breathing)  causing the tube to get squished which would prevent me from breathing, so a trach would have to be put in below my vocal cords so I would be able to talk by covering the hole on the trach tube.
But again, it would only be in for about 2 weeks, just long enough for my neck muscles to heal up and then they would remove it, stitch me all back up, and I'd be all good to go breathing through mouth and nose again.

As for the feeding tube, it also depends on what happens with the intubation tube during surgery, so that's another wait and see, but if it does happen, and depending on what they had to do, either a feeding tube would be placed down through my nose for a short period of time.
If it ends up being needed for a longer period of time, they would do a stomach feeding tube.

We don't have a specific date yet, we are looking at a couple of dates, but my surgeon will decide on the final date.
So far, the possible dates are April 10th, or April 24th, or wait until sometime in May.
He may want to wait until May, give me just a little bit more time to heal up a bit more, but they said that so far, my bones are fusing really, really good.
That's probably due to the insane amount of calcium I take every single day.
Normal people take 1 calcium tablet per day, I take a Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc tablet 4 times per day to help with new bone growth and fusion.
I don't recommend this amount, nor even half of it, unless you enjoy being really gassy.
Ha ha
Seriously though, all of that calcium has a gassy side effect, so you're either constantly burping, or constantly farting.

I will definitely be in a halo brace for 3-4 months, and they have told me this will probably be the most frustrating part of my recovery.
It is screwed into your skull, 2 in front, 2 in back, and as you can see from those images, a big contraption attached to me 24/7 for the entire length of time he decides I need to wear it.
Sleeping, eating, everything, will be extremely difficult, and feel like living in a prison, so a lot of patients get very depressed within a few weeks of living with it, but they have medications that can help with the anxiety and panic attacks that come from feeling all closed in and trapped.
It's screwed into your skull, attached to your shoulders and chest, there's zero chance for any type of movement at all, so it becomes a lot for people to mentally handle.
I really don't know how well I'll deal with it.
I hated wearing the turtle shell brace on my body after my first A/P spine fusion in 2006, and I hated the neck brace from this past surgery in September 2008, so this big thing attached to my skull with no way of ever taking it off myself to give myself a break from it for even an hour, may drive me slightly insane.
I just won't know until it's on me and I'm at home away from the morphine drip machines that numb out any feelings and thoughts, having to take oral medications, or however they will have to do it if I end up with a feeding tube.

Tomorrow, I have to call my heart doctor, get an appointment to have him clear me for surgery, so another cardiac stress test, and then my primary care physician to have her clear me as well.
I'm setting these appointments up ASAP so that my primary care doc can't try to cancel my surgery at the last minute like she did in September.
 
So anyway, that's where I'm at, we have a plan but no definite date yet.
I have stuff to take care of to get the surgery ball rolling, and take care of everything around my home, for my sons, all of the same stuff I always do for every surgery.

Below is an interesting CT Scan image.
This is me, it was taken on 3-19-2009, and it's a front view of me from the chest all the way up to the top of my skull.
I know it looks like it's from behind because the rods and screws appear to be in the front, but it's not, it is a face front view, but the rods and screws stand out like crazy.
This shows you just how high up the fusion goes.
C1 is basically at nose level, and all of that metal goes all of the way down to my tailbone.
Kinda freaky looking eh?
Click it for biggie size to really see how freaky it is.

Apricot trees.
Heh.
I made a rhyme.

I thought I was back on the mend yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, my hip and knees were still killing me, I had a migraine to boot, my brain was like in "off" mode too.
I couldn't think a good decent thought for more than 2 minutes, so I spent the day watching stupid stuff on tv, reading Twitter, and just generally annoyed with myself.
I have work to do, I'm letting people down.
I'm letting myself down, and that annoys the crap outta me.

I hate when I get like this, when I can't focus, when I can't think, when I can't do what I am supposed to do.
I'm already in a funk, and then not doing everything that I need to do, puts me in a deeper funk, I start dwelling on it, and then that's all I can think about when I am thinking about any 1 subject for more than 2 minutes.
Like right now.
I've had all day to do work, I've had all day to reply to emails, but no, I couldn't do any of it, so now I'm sitting here just aggravated with myself and hungry.
I just want to eat and eat and eat, and nothing is satisfying me at all.
Why?
Because emotionally I'm not satisfied.
I know this about myself.
I know that when I am an emotional mess, I want to over eat, I want to eat sweets like cake, ice cream, cookies, but once I have it, it doesn't taste right, and I try finding something else to fill the void.
But it's a void that cannot be filled.

My brain is a total mess lately, and I know what's causing it.
I know that the things my surgeon said to me on the last visit have entered my head and never left it.
Halo brace, 3-4 months.
Possible paralysis.
Possible trach tube for 3-4 months.
Not eating, not breathing through nose or mouth, no speaking.
No speaking.
It is weighing so heavily on my mind, no speaking at all, no speaking to my sons for several months.

That thought consumes me day and night, I'm drowning in it.
I know he told me the possibilities so I could be prepared, but I am drowning in those possibilities, those thoughts, those what-ifs.
It swallows me from the moment I wake, when I do finally sleep for any amount of time, until I sleep again, which is like non-existent these days, because those thoughts are just there, they aren't going away.
I lay awake in my bed listening to music, trying to drown out the thoughts, and they power out the music, I picture myself with that trach tube in my throat, not speaking to my sons, not telling them daily that I love them, not asking them how their day was, not helping them with whatever, not answering what's for dinner, not telling them to stop arguing, and so many more stupid mommy things that I say to them on a daily basis.
I don't see the surgeon until the 25th, I don't know the surgical plan until then, I don't have any more percentages of things that could go right and wrong, and so I drown in the information I do know and I can't let it go.

Just make it go away, I want it to go away.
I want to be empty-headed, upbeat, happy,  and "ok", but instead, I am consumed, and drowning, and letting myself and others around me down with every passing day.

I hope that when I go back to see my surgeon on the 25th of March, that he's picked a date for the revision surgery, and that it's as soon as possible.

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, posting about all of the things that are going on with me, my health, the pain I'm always in, the stress of all of my health problems, and the things that people have said about me.
I know it's all too much, I'm sure that people are sick of reading about it all, I'm sick of posting about it all, I'm sick of thinking about it all, sick of dealing with all.
That's my biggest problem, having to think and deal with it all.

I can't do it anymore, I'm about ready to explode.
I just want to scream, I want to rage and lash out at everyone, I'm so so sick of all of it.
I've lost my faith and trust in people, even people I've known for a long time.
I'm feeling anxious and stressed out, almost becoming paranoid, I don't know who to trust anymore.
I feel like I'm just steps away from a complete mental breakdown.
I'm not sleeping, I'm barely eating, and when I do eat, it's just small bits of junk food, sugary things, I'm comfort eating and I hate doing that because it's so bad for me and my health, but I don't really know how to cope with all of it anymore.

I have so much going on, so many things to think about, worry about, make decisions that will affect my son's lives again in a big way, and I don't think I can do that to them again.
I don't want to put them through it again, but I can't live like this anymore.
I'm not ok, I'm just not ok.
And I feel like I can't talk to the usual "friends" I would normally talk to because I don't feel like I can trust them anymore.
I'm falling apart and have no one I can talk to, I don't trust anyone anymore and I hate that!
I just want to go away, just get away, all by myself, or just take a wicked long break, but I can't.
I can't afford to take a break, I have to stay and keep working, and working, and dealing with all of it all of the time.
I have bills to pay, doctors to pay for, tests and medicine.
I work just to pay for doctors and medicine, just so I can get by, so I can try and get better, but every minute of every day that I'm sitting here working and having to deal with everything and everyone, I hate it more and more, and I am starting to feel hatred welling up inside of me.
Hate for everything and everyone.
I'm falling apart and I can't stop it from happening.
I've tried, I'm still trying, but 1 minute I'm sitting here getting angry, and the next minute I'm bawling my eyes out over it all, because I can't trust anyone, can't talk to anyone, and I can't stop it, I have to just keep going, just keep doing what I have to do to take care of my sons and work so I can pay bills and doctors.
I'm so tired of everything and everyone, and I can't stop, I can't take a break, I can't not keep going no matter how badly I want to, and the anger, hate, fear, worry, stress and tears, just keep piling up inside of me and there's nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do about any of it but hope that this all passes, hope that somehow I get through it all.
I hate you, I really truly hate you, and I hate that I hate you, and I hate feeling like this.
It's so ugly, it's ugly and nasty, and I don't like myself for feeling like this at all.

For the first time since my surgery, I put my rings back on.
I've really missed wearing them, but I just didn't feel like it.
I still can't put my tongue ring back in, can't get my mouth open, but at least most of my other jewelry is back on.

Most people know I have pretty intense OCD about things sometimes, the teens know this especially, so when I went to make out my list for shopping tomorrow, and reached in my box of pens to find my best weighted pen was gone, I sorta flipped.
I made the teens find it because they were the ones who used it, and sure enough, it was in their room on their computer desk.

Anyway, I am trying to make out my list, trying to figure out what we need, but honestly, I don't even want to do Thanksgiving dinner.
I can't cook it at all, i can't lift it, I feel completely useless this year.
I know I'm battling some depression over this, and I will talk to the doctor when I see him on the 10th, but for now there's not much I can do so I'm just going through the motions every day.
It just doesn't feel like a holiday anyway, so bleh.

Most of my readers know that I had my neck fusion surgery on September 8th 2008, and have been healing as well as can be expected.
I will also be having a revision surgery in just a few months, because my head placement is all wrong.
My head is tilted and stuck downward, instead of straight ahead.
The surgery was supposed to prevent me from turning side to side, not up and down.
I can turn my head side to side no problem, but up and down is a no go.

But anyway, both of my teen sons have been battling a really nasty cold/virus since last week, and tonight I started getting it.
I'm coughing, sneezing, sniffly and runny nosing it since about 6pm today.
The sniffling, sneezing, and runny nose are not a huge issue, but coughing?
Holy hell it's painful.
Every cough makes my chest muscles, upper back and neck muscles, and head, move and twitch and spasm.
This is not fun at all, it's actually quite painful.
You know what else is really painful as well as super scary?
Throwing up.
Because of the way my head is tilted downward, my jaw cannot open as wide as it did before, and the neck opening is almost compressed like, so throwing up is a very painful and scary ordeal.
Sorry to be graphic, but this is a health blog right?

The rest is behind the cut, it is kind of graphic and sorta gross, so you have been warned.

I can't shake this, I simply cannot get myself out of this feeling of just blah and sadness, and worthlessness.
I know I'm not worthless, I know that, but I feel that way. I can't even cook a decent meal without being in absolute agony the whole time, and having to ask one of the teens to come help me get stuff out of the cupboards because I can't look up to even see what I'm trying to reach for.
It's just ugh.
I think the economy stuff has me bummed out too, not that I have an actual job outside of the home to lose due to mass layoffs, but it still has me all bummed out.
It's affecting lots of other people too.
The girls on the local forums are all worried about their jobs, wondering if they should invest in some type of  franchises for women or something, try and find some sort of job that they can do on the side, build it up a bit, and hope that it can sustain them should they lose their jobs.
So they're asking what other women would buy even in a bad economy and we're all like the basics, the needed things, no splurging so don't go selling jewelry and stuff like that.

I got my order from Misikko today, and I loved it, i want to get in the shower and use the new clarifying shampoo and conditioners, use the new awesome blow dryer, but meh, I really just want to lay on the couch and watch stupid crap on tv.
I just want this funk to go away but I don't know how to make it go away.

I'm officially in a depressing state of funk.
Is it a funk, or is it depression?
I think it's both really.
I have no motivation to do much of anything, my thoughts are all over the place, and I'm battling another horrible round of insomnia too.
I'm awake all night long, right up until I have to wake the teens for school, then I'm sleeping for 3, maybe 4 hours, and then still not doing anything, not doing what I need to be doing.

I have work to do but I can't seem to make myself do it.
When I finally do force myself to do it, it's not good, not good at all.
I needed to get a video done for my product review of that new grill I got, and it was already late due to the septic flooding issue we had here, and then I forced myself through the pain to make the video, I did do it, and then I played it back on my pc, and I was absolutely mortified by how I sounded in it.
My speech was slurred like I was drunk, but I wasn't drunk, I haven't had a drink in months, so it has to be the pain meds and muscle relaxers I'm taking.
It was bad, really bad, and that made me feel even worse than I was feeling before.
I deleted it and bought the ingredients to do it again, but because of how I'm feeling, the pain, the depression, I haven't done it again yet.
I AM going to do it tomorrow.
I WILL do it tomorrow.
I have to because I made a promise, and I always keep my word, I just need to not take any of my meds before doing it this time because I don't want to sound like a drunken idiot again.

I also need to get these sporadic migraines under control too.
It seems that every other day now, I'm getting a migraine that knocks me out of commission for a few hours. I have to go lay down in my pitch black room and just wait it out.
I curl up as much as my stupid body will curl up, and clutch my blanket until it passes.
I'm really trying to move out of this funk, to get past this depression over how my body is, how little I'm capable of doing anymore, but when I try to talk myself into feeling better, it doesn't work.
There's so much I can't do anymore, it bothers me so much, I have to walk with a cane now because my head is looking down and I end up losing my balance because I can't properly see in front of me.
I hate this.
I hate how this is, and I hate that I have to have another surgery again, and I hate being miserable inside.
I fake it every single day, I put on a big fake smile for my sons, I put it on for friends and family, it's a big fake smile because everyone else thinks I'm doing just great, that I'm recovering just fine, and physically, yeah, I suppose I am recovering just fine, but mentally?
Fuck no, no, I'm not.
I'm not happy.
I'm not ok with all of this, I'm not ok with the amount of medications, I'm not ok with the pain without taking them, I'm not ok with my body the way it is, and yes, I know, there are people who have it so much worse, I should stop feeling sorry myself, but dammit, none of this is ok.
I'm told it will all be ok, but when?
When is it going to be better, because it's been years now since I've even felt halfway human.
And how am I supposed to feel human with all this hardware inside me?
I know how my body moves, or how little it moves I should say, and it's not human type movements, it's stiff and sore, planned, careful movements so I don't get hurt, so I don't hurt myself.
People look at me like I'm some sort of freak, they stare at me when I go to the store, and I'm so tired of being stared at because of this damn body.
 Before the first spine fusion, they stared at me because of the huge hump on my back, then they stared at me because of the huge back brace, now they stare at me because of the neck brace and the cane, and the way my head looks down.
I'm tired of people asking me what happened too.
They always think it was some sort of accident, and I'm tired of saying no, I had scoliosis, and they don't know what that is so I have to explain, and they still don't get it.
It all makes me want to just stay in the house and not go out anywhere again unless I absoluely have to, and until the next surgery to fix my head is done and I'm fully recovered.
I'm tired, just so tired of it all.

I feel like crap still.
The last few days have just been miserable for me.
On top of my neck surgical issues, I have a cold that is making me just absolutely miserable.
I have just been laying on the couch curled up in my blanket, sipping on some juice, eating yogurts and jello, just trying to stay hydrated, and trying to keep some food in me to help me get over this.

I really can't wait to start feeling better so I can go and do the things I need to do.
I really would like to be able to go grocery shopping so I can get more food in the house that the teens can cook easily.
I also need to go get a pedicure in a bad way.
My toes are in dire need of rescue.
I also would like to go and get started on the DNA testing that I need to have done which will help the doctors be able to better help me.
If I can get an accurate diagnosis for either Townes-Brock syndrome or Riley Day syndrome, my doctors would be able to get me on the correct medications to help me feel better at least.
If they know for sure what is wrong with me, they will be able to help me.
I'm so tired of being sick.
I've spent years and years being in pain, getting sick constantly, having blood pressure issues, swallowing issues sometimes even with just liquids, the way my toes are formed, the issues with my back, my arthritis etc etc etc.

I just want to finally start feeling better, feeling normal.
Spending all of this time being sick or in pain or whatever, has just sucked.
At times I get severely depressed over it all.
Like this morning, I was just laying in my bed just bawling my eyes out over all of this.
I hate my life right now.
I hate all of this crap, I feel like a complete loser because I can't do anything anymore.
I can't cook much, I can't clean much, I can't do hardly anything, and I'm so freaking over it all.
I'm supposed to tell my doctors when and if I start getting depressed so they can help me.
I don't want to take an anti-depressant, I know that's what they would do.
They would put me on another med to alter my moods and I don't want that.
What i want is my life back.
Hell, I just want a life that sorta resembles what I had 8+ years ago.
I want to be happy, to go out with friends, to be able to play and have fun, live.
I just want to be ok.

I just got back from my post-op appointment with my surgeon, I'm tired, in serious need of a nap, but wanted to let everyone know how it all went.

I had a series of xrays to see how the new fusion is holding, and it's looking good.
None of the titanium has moved, it's all in place where it's supposed to be, and he says it's doing good.
There will be a revision surgery, probably in about 6 months.
My head is still 20degrees off from being at the right place, meaning, my line of sight is 20degrees down instead of looking straight ahead.
So I'll be having another surgery, where he'll remove a vertebrae, and then install some more hardware which will place my head dead center, and no more movement will ever be possible again.
I have very limited movement right now, no left or right, some down, no up.
After the revision surgery, I will have no movement at all.
That's totally ok with me.
This neck surgery saved my life.
My vertebrae were pinching off my spinal cord, compressing it, I would have died.
Not being able to ever move my head in any direction ever again, is ok with me.
I've accepted all of this, I'm ok with it, so another surgery to set my head placement correctly so that I can look at people's faces and not their chests, is so totally ok with me.
We need to wait the 6 months so that this fusion can heal up a bit, too much trauma all at once is a very bad thing, so we'll wait and do the correction when I've healed up enough.

He's given me permission to sit a little bit longer, I can sit 1 hour, lay down 1 hour, for the next week, and then after that, he told me to do what feels best for me, to not over do anything.
If I feel tired, go lay down and rest, if I have energy, go ahead and sit for awhile.
This is good news for me.
I can now take on some more work, not as much as I was doing before surgery, but I can take on a bit more and that's awesome.

So now it's time to gross you out with some pictures of the stitches coming out.
As I posted this morning, the boys both stayed home sick from school, and Sebastian went with me.
He played the role of the documentary photographer, and got some pretty decent shots of my stitches coming out.
Ready?
These are all clickable for bigger if that's your thing.

Here's the beginning of my stitches coming out.
You can see part of my scar from my spine fusion that I had in February 2006.






















It kind of looks like a zipper.





















That screwed up haircut, is NOT what my sister did, that's the shaving and the cutting that the surgeons did before doing this fusion surgery.
Lovely isn't it?
Super short on one side, long on the other.
They need to keep their day jobs as surgeons.
Hair stylists they are not.
And yes, the stitches do go up into my hairline.
There are 3 more stitches up in my hair that you cannot see.
The stitches in my neck and hair line, hurt like crazy coming out.
I don't know why, but they stung a bit, and 4 times he had to stop while I caught my breath from having them tug at my skin so much.





















All in all, I'm doing ok.
I have some pain which is normal, I have some depression which is also normal.
Both of those things will go away in time, losing mobility isn't an easy thing at all, especially a single mom who's used to doing everything by themselves, for themselves.
Losing the ability to move, to look at things, to have some major down time, is not at all easy to accept, but you start getting used to it, you start accepting it, slowly.
And that's where I'm at.
I'm accepting all of this slowly, I'm dealing with it as best I can.
I know that this surgery saved my life, but at the same time I'm very sad for what I've lost.

But even though the road ahead is still going to be a bumpy one, I have another surgery to face in my future, I'm ok.
I can work for now, I can start being a little more productive, start doing more at home without over doing it, and start getting some of my life back.
I know that in 6 months or so, I'll be right back here recovering from another surgery, but that's ok, it really is.
I'm alive, I'm still here to watch my sons grow up, to laugh and play with them, to be here, and that's what is the most important.

I took a shower just now, I really needed to get in there and get myself clean after sweating so much over the last 2 days.
After I got myself all clean, as much as I can anyway without getting the stitches wet, I decided to make an attempt at shaving off the monster leg hairs.
I was already seated on my old lady shower chair, I lathered up my right leg with shaving cream, and tried to start shaving at the ankle and work my way up like normal.
I couldn't do it.
I tried again.
Nope, absolutely no flexibility to bend and reach that low on my leg.

This surgery, this spine fusion, because it's connected to the titanium rods that I had placed in there in 2006 at the shoulder level, seems to make me unable to reach below mid calf level.
I cannot go any further.
Before this neck fusion, I had a small bit of trouble shaving my legs and putting shoes on, tying laces and stuff like that, but I could do it, it just took a little longer.
But now I can't bend over far enough to reach below my calves.
I wasn't expecting that.
I knew I wouldn't be able to turn my head much anymore, looking left and right would be gone, looking up at the sky, but not being able to fully bend over and reach my ankles?
Nope, I didn't expect it.

But my legs were in dire need of shaving, so I wrapped one of my towels around my body and called Sebastian to come in.
I showed him what to do on a part of my leg I could reach, and then handed him the razor and told him to go for it, be gentle, but shave away.
He did a really good job and he didn't mind helping me.
He said he was sorry that I couldn't do this anymore, that he felt bad that I can't do some stuff anymore.
Then he got a bit quiet so I asked him what he was thinking.
He said that he knows this sucks for me not being able to do stuff anymore, but how glad he is that I'm alive, that knowing that without this surgery I would have died, so not being able to do stuff isn't really that important, but he understands how it makes me feel.
He said it's kind of selfish of him to be so happy that I'm still here when he knows how sad it makes me that I can't do things anymore, and he's sorry about that.

Yes it does bother me that I've lost a lot of mobility, that there are things I can't do anymore, things I don't even know I can't do anymore, but it's ok, I'm dealing with it.
I'm sure I'll have some mini-meltdowns as I discover more things I can't do, but I have my little fit, I cry, I yell, and then I get over it.
Being pissed about it won't change it, nothing will change it, so all I can do is take note of the things I can't do, have myself a good cry, and then keep on going.
It's just the way it's going to be from here on out.
Get knocked down, get back up, keep on going.

So I'm having an issue with my head, how it's angled, it could all be in my head, it could just be really tight and stiff muscles that will loosen up after a few weeks of healing, but it's a concern, so I'm heading in to see my surgeon today to have some xrays done, get my neck brace adjusted if that's what needs to be done etc.

The first week or so at home is always the hardest, the most painful, the most emotional, so yesterday was really just sucky for me.
I spent almost all day crying yesterday, just feeling really down on myself, sad, just an emotional basket case you could say.

Anyway, I'll be back around off and on later, let you know how it goes and stuff, and I will start telling how the whole surgery was from my view, it's much different than what everyone else experienced.
Later days.

Well there it is, my new scar line.
It's pretty big and badass looking, it goes all the way up into my hair line which you can see to the far left of it all.

My skin heals incredibly fast as you can't even see the remnants of my scar from my AP spine fusion from February 2006 any more.
It's not visible at all on my back, so I know that this scar line will heal up just as nicely as that one did.
I have one minor complaint, but as I've been reminded, I'm alive, that's more important.

The details of the fusion now go like this; I am permanently fused from C1-S1, that is the full length of the spine, there is no space at all, top to bottom, what the fuck else can go wrong with my spine?
Not fucking much I would think.
I'm like the terminator in there now, all fucking titanium but absolutely no power.

Weak, human, powerless to do anything about anything.
While I have my small moments of self pity, tears, feeling all shitty for myself, I was reminded that I'm a mother and that I'm alive, I'm here and I need to stop feeling all shitty for myself.
Indeed.
Mother is the word for god in the hearts and on the lips of children.
I need to remember to do my crying in private, it's still all too much for them to handle.

I went in yesterday for my pre-surgery physical, and she didn't clear me.
She said that my blood pressure was too high, she couldn't give me clearance because she thinks I'll have a heart attack on the table.
Even though every single heart test I've had in the last 4 months, has come out clear.
So she called my surgeon and canceled my surgery.

She then started talking about the high white cell count, all docs freak out over this, they tell me I have the white cell count of someone who is dying of leukemia.
This happened last year, October 2007 to be exact, and I went through a hematology consult and an Imdium scan.
The results of both tests concurred.
Negative white cell study.
That means I'm not sick.

Then she tells me that when I went to the ER 3-4 months ago for that wicked shoulder pain I was dealing with, and the ER doc thought, because my blood pressure was so high, that I was either having a heart attack or had an arterial blood clot, but the tests all came back clean.
No heart problems at all.
But.
During the CT angiogram, the radiologist noted a spot on my liver.
That was on June 6, 2008.
That night, the ER doc never had me sign out of the ER, he gave me no paperwork telling me to have an ultrasound of my liver, but yesterday, my primary doc is telling me about that report, about the spot, she thinks that may be the reason for the high white cells, she doesn't know.

But what we do know is that I went to a cardiac specialist this morning who finds nothing wrong, but to be safe, I have to go back in tomorrow and have a cardiac nuclear stress test.
He said if that comes out fine, that he'll clear me for the surgery, but it's too late now for the Monday date, the OR was canceled, I missed the pre-surgery appointment at the hospital today to go see this cardiac specialist, my surgeon canceled it, it's done, too late.
It will have to be totall rescheduled, I'll have to go through all the pre-surgery tests all over again because they all have to be done within 1 week of the surgery.
 Then this Tuesday coming, I have to go in for an echo cardiogram, ya know, seeing as my surgery is canceled.

To say I'm mad is an understatement, I'm fucking pissed, I'm stressed, an I can't eat anything at all for 24 hours before this stress test tomorrow morning at 11am, so when I got home this morning from his office at like 10ish, I ate a bowl of cereal because I was nauseous.
I'm not allowed to eat anything else at all, and I cannot drink much either, I can have enough water to wash down my pain pills, but that's it.
I'll be completely weak, nauseous, and dehydrated tomorrow morning, which will be causing me stress and anxiety, which will make my blood pressure high and probably cause me to fail the fucking test.

Everything is just a big huge fucking mess.
They fucked with my life for a high blood pressure that is caused by the neck issue, they canceled my surgery that will save my fucking life.
That ER doc in June didn't tell me about the spot on my liver, but now I have to go get that taken care of too, get an ultrasound on it, and I'll probably have to go through another nuclear hematology consult as well to rule out the leukemia they fucking think I'm dying of.
Don't you fucking think that with all the fucking MRIs, CT scans, xrays, blood tests, urine tests, ultrasounds, and every fucking other test I've been through, that if I had fucking leukemia, it would have been found by now?
Don't you think I'd know!?!
Wouldn't I be sick, have some sort of pain, something?!
Do I match some of those symptoms like bone and joint pain?
Yes, but uh, I have 26 fucking inches of titanium running the length of my spine!!!!!!!
I have no other symptoms of it other than the bone and joint pain, and the high white cell count, that's it, and I've had that high white cell count for 2.5 years now, since my spine fusion.
Wouldn't someone know?
Wouldn't someone have figured that out by now with everything I've been through medically?

I'm not ok!
I'm angry, sad, stressed, pissed, hurt, and it's causing my kids to be scared to death.
Surgery, no surgery, heart disease, leukemia, what the fuck else are these assholes going to put me and my kids through?!
This is all too fucking much, it's just too much, I can't cope with everything that's happening right now, and I want to apologize to my employers who are waiting on me to get work done.
I will get it done, but I need to get a grip, I need to rest, I need to try and get this sorted out, get people to listen to me, read the test results, figure out that all of the shit is because of my spine being all fucked up.

And ya know what sucks?
All of the doctors want a medical history I can't give them, I'm adopted, I have nothing to show them, nothing to tell them, they stare at me, tell me this all looks genetic, that my birth parents gave me all of this, but they need to know and I can't give them any answers.
I hear from them about all of these things that are inside my body, these fluid filled sacks that are attached to my spine, that they don't know what they are, but there are a lot of them, my vertebrae closing like this, it's genetic, this is all genetic, it's all part of a medical history I know nothing about, and the more tests they do, the more they find, and the more they say big bad scary words about death and dying, and for fucks sake people, pick the one that is gonna kill me first and fix it, then we'll work on the next one and so on.

This is all just too much and I feel like I'm going crazy, like I just want to quit, just stop, I can't do this anymore.
My mom and dad called me last night, my sister had called them, told them what was going on, they told me to just keep going, to keep trying, to type out whatever I have to to get through all of this, that it's ok.
But it's not ok, it really isn't.
I'm being told I'm slowly dying, that I have diseases and shit which are killing me, and I'm supposed to be ok?
How the hell am I supposed to be ok after all of the hell I've already been through, and be told that there's even more?
How would anyone be ok with all of this?!
And please, please, please, do not tell me that god only gives us what we can handle, that he gives us tests to help us be better people, that this is all being done because he has a purpose for me.
That's absolute bullshit, I've been through more than enough fucking medical shit in my lifetime.
I was born a medical fuck up, that's why my birth parents left me in the hospital where I spent the first 6 weeks of my life, they were told I was going to die or be retarded, so they left, they just left me there.
I've suffered with some sort of medical fucking bullshit my whole life now, enough.
Enough!

Tomorrow, er, today, I have my pre-surgery consult with Doctor M.
He's going to tell me exactly what he and his team will do during the surgery, how long I'll be asleep, breathing tube, ICU, how many days to expect, (I'm holding him to 4!) what kind of pain to expect, what they'll have me do upon waking, physical therapy, etc, all of the nitty gritty details.

I have my own questions too.
Can I bring and wear my own clothes on like day 2 or something, will I be able to put my contacts back in, (I don't have a pair of glasses to wear) is this going to cause me to start a surprise menstrual cycle like the last surgery did, and if so, can I bring my own gear this time, or are they just going to make me lay there on a "pee pad" like last time.

Will they be shaving off any of my hair from the back of my head?
I know they are going to have to shave a portion of my neck, I have really long hair, I know it comes down far on my neck, so when they shave that, will they have to go any higher?
And if so, please don't fuck it up and make it incredibly noticeable to people.
My hair has been falling out anyway, but I really don't want to lose a lot if they can help it any.

I don't know if I posted about my hair situation or not, but this whole neck thing has been the cause of a lot of my health problems over the last year, year and a half.
With the spinal cord being pinched off, it can't send the right messages from my brain to all of my organs.
The messages are being pinched off, not sent, or sent incorrectly to all of my organs.
All of my stomach and digestive issues, being sick for no real reason, (I don't really go anywhere to catch any germs or viruses) my skin smelling really, horribly bad after eating certain foods, stomach pain, cramps, constipation, or the complete opposite, having days where regardless how many showers I took, how much deodorant I put on, I would have body odor, and my hair falling out.

Everyone loses hair on a daily basis, but this isn't normal hair loss, this is clumps of hair coming out in the shower, coming out when I brush it, coming out when the wind blows.
I don't have any noticeable bald spots, yet, but it's definitely thinned out.
It's nowhere near as thick as it once was, and it's not due to getting old, this is directly related to my neck stuff.
It's been rather sucky.

Sebastian broke down last night.
He just exploded in this 15 year old ball of fear, worry, and anger over this whole thing, crying, screaming, hugging me so tightly I thought he'd break my ribs.
He said if doc screws up and I die, he's going to beat him up really bad right there in the hallway at the hospital.
Mark said Sebastian won't get the chance, because he'll kill him.
To say the teens are starting to panic and be really afraid now, is an understatement.
They keep saying little things, '1 week from today' or 'I hope this week goes by really slow, it may be the last week I ever see you', or 'on Saturday or Sunday night, I'm sleeping with you, I want to be near you as much as possible.'
They even came out tonight and watched the season premiere of Gossip Girl, a show they hate, just to "hang out" with me.

I keep trying to reassure them that it's all going to be ok, that I WILL be coming home, that I'm going to be fine, and Sebastian wanted me to promise him that, but I can't.
I can't make that kind of promise because I really don't know.
I just kept telling him that I will be coming home, that it will be ok, without saying the word promise.

I have so much to do this week, work, the house, helping them with school, still trying to keep this house running as normally as possible, but honestly, I can't focus on any of it for long.
I want to though, I have things that I need to get done, but my mind starts wandering, racing, then my heart starts racing and pounding, and then I get a massive migraine and have to go lay down.
I went to bed shortly after the boys did tonight, they went at 11:30, I went at 11:45, and I laid there checking to make sure their alarm would go off, that mine would go off again at 8am so I can get up and try and do some work before I have to leave at noon-ish, but I started panicking about it all, so I got up and set Snoozester to call me at 8am just in case my cell alarm doesn't go off.
And now here I am, sitting here blogging, awake again, just thinking about it all.

I know things will be ok, but now with such short time left to go, I just want to go do it, get it over with, enough of the testing and appointments, and talks, let's just do it!
I just want it done so I can come back home like I said, that's all I want.

being short with anyone, refusing to talk on the phone, not being around as usual etc.
Things are starting to hit me pretty hard.
I'm finding myself getting really depressed about the whole upcoming surgery, and the gravity of the situation.
Never turning your head left or right again, think about that for a minute.
Like position your head dead center and do not turn it for as long as you can, be that 1 minute or 10, and then think about never ever being able to turn it again.

I know the alternative is sudden death at some unknown time in the very near future, and I know that I don't have a choice, but try to picture never turning your head again.
Never being able to just casually glance over and watch your kids doing something, never being able to turn your head because the love of your life called your name, always facing forward.

Facing forward doesn't mean you're going forward, it just means that is all you can see unless you turn completely around.
I exploded today, I cried today, I'm exhausted today.
I have 18 days until my life changes again and I'm honestly not ready.
I fear for my own future.
Yes, I have my kids, but I won't always have them to live with me, there will come a day when they are grown and gone and I'm alone and stuck in the forward facing position and have no way of changing that.
I hate my life today, I hate my body today, I hate myself today.

I apologize if I was rude or short with you, or you're waiting on an email or a return phone call, or for me to do whatever it is I normally do for you everyday.
I'm having a day here where I just want to quit, give up, just stop the fucking bus I want to get off.
I'm sick and tired of pity and stares, and prayers, and oh you're so strong comments.
I'm not.
I'm not what any of you think of me.
I'm a completely scared, tired, terrified woman facing another major surgery and I don't want to.
I am so fucking exhausted.
I'm just not ready.

I'm really starting to regret not signing up for that wine of the month club now, that's for sure.
It's been a long and stressful week.
Crap to the left of me, crap to the right, all kinds of blogger drama all up over this internet.

I dunno, was I supposed to be greatful to be linked up on their drama filled site?
I guess I was, because they were none too happy that I don't want any part of it.
Was I supposed to be flattered that some new blogger used my main domain name as the name of their new blogspot blog?
I don't care if they are a good Christian person, I've owned the name for 11 years, it's been mine, and if you do a search for my single mom life, you get me and that Christian book writer, that's it.
They didn't like the tone of my email because I asked why they chose to use a name for their blog that is already the name of a blog.
I didn't say hey, you rotten woman! Why are you using my name.
I said wow, I honestly don't know what to think of a new blogger using my name on their site.
She wrote back that she didn't like my tone, don't ever email her again.
Um, hello?
You left me a comment, told me you named your site the same as mine, come visit it, so I did, and then emailed you a reply to your comment, like I do or at least try to do, with everyone who comments.
I'm a little bit behind because of the week I've had, but I will get caught up.
I think I have a valid excuse for being behind on emails.

But yeah, 2 bottles of wine every month is starting to look like a really good idea if I survive this whole neck surgery thing.
I don't know why I am feeling so negative about it, I guess it's the whole "sudden death" thing.
I know he said he can fix me, but seriously, you try hearing that you have this problem in your neck that is going to kill you, be careful because a car accident could easily make it happen, and you try living your life as normal as possible for the next 30 days!
Gee Kat, you're awfully snappy the last few days.
Gee, I wonder why.

I'm not afraid of death, I'm not afraid of me dying.
I'm afraid for my sons that I would leave behind.
I'm all they have, I'm their mom, I'm their center, the person who has been through everything with them, the person who has raised them to be incredible young men, and I'm afraid that if I died, it would mess them up pretty bad.
I'm faced with my own mortality and all I can think of is them, what my death would do to them.
I don't want to leave them.
I want to be around to see them graduate and get married, to see them have children of their own.
I want to see them live and be successful.
I want to be there for everything else that happens in their lives.
Mine can be crap, I don't care if I have to live in pain forever, live with never turning my head again, but I want to be there for them.
I don't think I'm being all that crazy, I think I have a valid reason to ask people why they are doing what they are doing if it involves me.
I think I have a right to ask to not be involved in it right now.

I'm still not feeling great, I think it's the stress of everything, it's upsetting my stomach, making me not sleep, but making me excessively tired.
I have mega amounts of stress right now.
So much to do, things to take care of, plans to make, money to not make.
Ugh!
It's piling up on me, my mind can't stay focused, and I haven't been able to even keep myself feeling ok or not worried about stuff long enough to get my work done.
It will get it done, but I really need to get my head on straight first.
I honestly think I need to just sit down and have myself a long decent cry, to let all of this stress go as much as I can.

I need to go get in the shower, I have an appointment with Dr. Riegel today at 2pm, thank him, all that jazz, and tell him I can't pay him today.
I am totally broke until Wednesday.
Nothing I can do about it right now, I'll have to tell them I'll pay them on Wednesday, they can take the payment by phone or something.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I just have so so much on my mind, back to school, medical shit, all of it is picking away at my brain, and I'm tired and stressed out because of all of it.

Mentally speaking I mean.
I've been in a slight state of depression for the last few days, my lack of posting I'm sure alerted some of you that maybe something was wrong.
I just don't feel happy, it's not one thing, it's multiple things.
It's stress over money and bills, anger over the child support shit, the lack of sleep, the constant idiots who call me at the crack of dawn nearly every freaking day, a lot of things.
The stupid asshat who called me at 8:05am this morning got quite an earful, I hope he enjoyed it.
I don't know who he was and I don't care.
I yelled and screamed, and then hung up.
And I've been doing that with nearly everyone who calls lately.
I'm just in a place.

Anyway, I'm off to my surgeon to find out about my neck and shoulder pain.
Be back later.

The stress of it all, the stress of living and trying to keep my head above the financial waters, is starting to get to me big time.
I want to just hire a couple of moving trucks and pack up all of our stuff, stick it in storage, and just go away.
Just leave, go somewhere, go anywhere, I don't really care anymore.
I'm so tired, I just can't keep getting a little itty bit ahead, and then get hit with another unexpected bill or appliance replacement cost.
It's too much for me right now.

I have the stress and worry about whether or not I'll be having neck surgery, I have the child support court hearing coming up, I have all kinds of bills and expenses due in the next few months, and every little thing is catching up with me and overwhelming me right now.
Like right. this. minute., I feel like crying, just curling up in a ball and crying and screaming and kicking and shouting.
I just want it all to stop or at least slow down.
It's one thing after another these last few weeks.
Last week, the boys got in that fight and hurt each other, I have bills I'm trying to pay and I'm not getting enough work, the economy is getting worse and I think it's affecting the industry I'm in because work has slowed down a lot.
And I have the child support court hearing next week, and I'm just not feeling up to fighting for it right now.
Like today is just not a good day, the whole thing just has me way stressed out because I have other things going on that are occupying my mind right now, and to have to deal with that a few days before I find out if I have to have neck surgery, well, it's just upsetting me so so much.
Anyone understand that?!
I just have things that I have to deal with and am worried about, and I want what's right, what's fair, but I'm so emotional right now that I am afraid that I'll end up crying halfway through the hearing when his lawyer starts asking about my health.
It was one of the questions on the interrogatories, and I know his lawyer is going to try and make it seem like I am not a good mother because of my back surgery and stuff.
My health issues have not stopped me from being a good mom, I do a damn good job, and I pay for everything by myself, and I have the back-to-school expenses coming up really soon that I will be paying for myself again..
They go back to school on the 18th of August, and they need clothes and supplies, and so that's another big expense that I have to take care of.

And then tonight the lawn mower rip cord thingy breaks, so now I have to either repair that part OR I have to buy another lawn mower.
And Sebastian was outside playing and he slipped and twisted his knee, so he spent a few hours on the couch this evening with an ice pack on his leg crying that it hurt.
It's NOT broken, but he did twist it, it's painful, I know that because I've done that and it really hurts pretty damn bad.

But you see!?
It's just been one thing after another and it just keeps coming, and it all hit me tonight.
I'm just an emotional mess tonight so I'm sitting here blogging instead of crying and being all upset in front of the kids.
These blogs of mine are not a business, they are my therapy, they help me cope with everything in my life by letting me say all of the things that are on my mind, they help me deal with my life and all of the things that happen in it because I am stuck in my house and I have no one that I can talk to.
I have had a bad day and now that I've dumped it all here, maybe I can let some of it go.