Results tagged “surgery” from KatScan

You know what sucks wicked bad for me?
I have all of this wicked awesome fitness equipment in my house, and I can't use any of it.
I can't use any of it because of my back surgeries, because A) I can barely move to use it, and B) my doctors don't want me using it because it could do all kinds of damage to my spine and all of the equipment inside of my body.
Using my elliptical and weights, lifting weights, could actually cause me to damage some of my implants and fixtures, I could make them rip off of my spine if I do something too much or too hard, and then I'd have to have all kinds of surgeries again.
That would really suck, but it still sucks because I'm so out of shape, I'd love to get in shape, turn all of this fat into muscle, not be so damn flabby.
I've lost a wicked lot of weight, I was at 200 pounds, and I am now down to just 155 pounds after almost a year.
It will be a full year come July 5th. I was 197 pounds, and I now weigh just 155, so I've lost 42 pounds, but I'm all flabby in the gut, I would love to be able to do sit ups and get all of that flab turned into muscle.
That would be awesome, but I can't.

Taking some hgh supplements for my spine and bone growth.
I know that hgh can help build up muscle and tissue, and some reports say that it helps with reversing the aging process or slowing it down, but I really wonder if it would help stimulate the new bone growth that my body needs to produce to make the new fake vertebrae that I have as strong as they need to be, and the titanium rods and screws, even stronger.
Spine fusion isn't just about inserting rods and screws and that's supposed to keep you all together and better, but spine fusion actually means to grow new bone over the implants and the fake vertebrae to make the spine even stronger than it was before.
I know that I have to grow new bone in each of my hips because that is where they took out some of my bone to make the new fake vertebrae.
The fake vertebrae are part metal, part plastic, and part of my bones.
The bone inserted will help grow new bone over the metal and plastic, but it's a very long process to grow new bone.
At one point after my first surgery, I had to wear a bone growth stimulator for 6 hours every single day.
It sent some sort of electrical impulses through my body which supposedly stimulates new bone growth.
It was a pain in the butt, so that's why I'm curious about hgh and if it would help grow new bone.
If it does, I'd happily take it every day to help make all of these implants even stronger, and maybe they would help take away the pain too.

We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man.
We can make him better than he was before.
Better, stronger, faster.

Someday doctors will be able to do stuff like in The Six Million Dollar Man, they will be able to make not like super bionic people, but do spine fusions with better materials, stuff that won't break down over time, stuff that will help us heal faster, stuff that will help take away the pains that we suffer.
Maybe they will use car parts, like maybe from super fast sports cars like some Ferrari parts thrown in so that our bodies won't be so stiff and sore, but better able to move, be better able to get around without stiffness and soreness all of the time.

I know that once we do get that kind of technology, it will be far too late for me, but it would be really cool for other people.
I have hope that someday when doctors perform major life altering surgeries like spine fusions, that they will have the technology to make it better than it is now.
Help people heal better and faster, help people move better, live better lives, have a far better quality of life.

I have days where I feel ok and other days where I just want it all to be over with.
It really sucks that doing something fun and as small as sitting in a theater seat for 2 hours, can cause so much pain and stiffness the next day and for a few days after.
Someday they will find a way to make it all so much better.
I just know they will.

Just about every January or February, I buy new contact lenses.
I buy 4 boxes, each box contains 6 lenses, so I end up with 24 contact lenses, and they are the extended wear ones, the monthlies.
I end up spending about $200 a year on new contacts if they don't have any specials or instant rebates.
Like if I were to re-order my lenses right now, 4 boxes comes to $199.96, and they have an instant $30 savings, like a coupon, so the total would be $169.96, and standard shipping is 5-7 days and free.
If I only buy 2 boxes, 12 lenses, I wouldn't get any instant savings, and it would cost me $99.98, and I'd still get the free shipping, but it's a much better deal to buy 4 boxes.
Ya know, just in case I tear a lens or 2, (it's happened a few times) lose a lens, etc, so when I do decide to order come January or February, I'll get 4 boxes unless they don't have the instant savings when I do my re-order.

I've often wondered how much it would cost to get Lasik, my eyes aren't so bad that I wouldn't qualify, my prescription is rather easy, and it would be totally awesome to never have to order lenses again, take them out, put new ones in, all of the hassles about wearing contacts.
I'd probably have to do the whole lasik surgery Mexico style in order to be able to afford it.
I've heard that it's extremely costly to get Lasik here in the US.
I saw a commercial the other day where a husband and wife were talking about her getting lasik, and she told her husband that they were spending that much on contacts anyway, but I know that lasik costs well over $1,000 per eye, and sure lasik is usually a 1-time deal which is probably way less than the cost of purchasing contacts over the course of a lifetime, but it's still really expensive here in the US to get them done.
I found this info about the average costs of lasik in the US as of July 2009.

* $2,140 for all laser-based vision correction procedures (including LASIK) in which a single price is quoted.
* $1,748 for non-customized LASIK using a bladed instrument (microkeratome) and excimer lasers that are not guided by wavefront analysis.
* $2,314 for wavefront-guided LASIK using a laser-created flap.

I don't know what half of that means, but my contacts cost me way less than that, and I know better than to fall for any eye specialist who claims that lasik will only cost $499.99 per eye.
Those prices are for people who have very minimal eye correction necessary, the real prices are usually between $1,500 to $3,000 per eye, that's the general going rate, so yeah, I'd probably have to go to Mexico to get lasik done on me for a super low price.
Now, if only I could afford to take a vacation to Mexico. ha ha

I swear, the pharmaceutical industry and the insurance industry must be cahoots with each other.
They do everything that they can to get the most amount of money from people for the least amount of work or money being spent on their end of the transaction.

One of my medications is not being made any longer, well, let me rephrase that.
The generic of it is no longer being made, and my insurance company will not pay for the real name brand one unless my doctor calls them and gets prior authorization, tells them that it is medically necessary to have it because the generic is no longer being manufactured.
The real name brand one costs a lot of money, a wicked lot of money.
The generic version of it would cost me $789.95  for a quantity of 90 pills, if I didn't have insurance.
The real name brand one would cost me $1,325.00 out of pocket if I didn't have insurance, for the exact same amount, 90 pills.
My doctor does not want to switch me to another pain medicine unless he absolutely has to because this one works very well for me, he doesn't want to have to make me take something else that may not work as well, and then go through possibly months of trying on new medications until we find one that works.
Getting this particular one took about 5 months of trying a new one every single month until finding this one worked the best.

So basically, I went to my doc appointment today and got all of my prescriptions, 4 of them, but was only able to get 3 of them filled until Humana either decides to cover the name brand one, or forces my doctor to write a new script and start the drug try-ons until we find one that works as well as this one does.
I have been on and tried so many different pain relievers, I could write reviews of them as easily as I have written diet pill reviews on my blogs.
I really do not want to have to try a new drug, or several new drugs.
It sucks trying out new ones, they all react differently with my body, and the one pain med that I absolutely do not want to ever have to take again, not even for a week or so, is Ultram/Tramadol. (the generic is Tramadol)
That one makes me feel like total crap.
It makes me feel agitated and angry, like if anything is even normally mildly upsetting, that little thing makes me explode violently and I start screaming and yelling at anyone within earshot.
It also makes me feel dirty and gross, like slimy and disgusting, and no amount of showers makes that feeling go away, it makes me feel strung out, like jacked-up, cracked-out.
It's how I imagine smoking crack would make me feel.
It also upsets my stomach.
Most narcotic pain relievers cause you to be constipated, I deal with that by taking a stool softener every 3 days or so.
On Tramadol, (the generic) it's the exact opposite, it causes diarrhea, so the whole time I am taking it, I need to stay close to home, close to the bathroom, and I can not eat much at all because it just comes right back out, explosively.
So the doc's office is calling Humana and faxing them, a medically necessary-please approve the name brand medication form, and the doc's office will call me tomorrow to either let me know that I can go to the pharmacy and pick it up, or go back to the doc's office and get a script for a brand new pain reliever.
I am hoping that they will approve it, I really hate trying out new ones, it sucks a wicked lot. 
 
Tramadol is what Mark's doctor has him on, and poor Mark, he is suffering the exact same side effects that I get while taking them, and they really aren't helping his pain much either unless he takes 3 of them at once, but then taking that many causes him to be really agitated and have the stomach upset 3 times worse.
He went and had his MRI last week, and we're supposed to go in tomorrow for the results and a refill of his meds, but I don't have any transportation, and I am not going to spend $40 for a cab ride, so I had to call and cancel his appointment.
I am going to call and talk to a few friends, and ask them if they could give us a ride, they can pick the day that works the best for them, and I'll just tell his doc to either fit us in on that day, or they'll have to wait until I can find another ride from someone else.
Getting his test results are a huge priority for me, I need to know exactly what Mark has and how bad it is.
These results will determine whether or not Mark can go ahead and apply at the police academy and take the law classes in college. (you need to apply at the police academy and then go take the classes)
If his back is really bad, if he has a lot of spine deformities and nerve damage, it will negatively impact his life-long career choice.
If his bad is super bad, if he can't be a cop like he's always wanted to, I will have 10 times more guilt over this than I already do.
I feel absolutely horrible that my genetics, that my DNA, may have destroyed his ability to be a police officer.
The day that I heard that he has spondylosis, I came home and cried my eyes out. 
I so didn't want him to have anything medically wrong with his back, I was so hoping that his doctor would just tell him to lose weight, that because he's overweight, that's why he has lower back pain, that's what I wanted to hear, not that my DNA has been handed down to him.
I have to find us a ride,  someone that will take us there and either wait possibly for an hour or 2, or drop us off and come back to pick us up when the appointment is over.
I need to find out what's wrong and how we're going to treat it, if it can be treated by bracing or physical therapy, or if it's bad enough to need surgery.
Once I get the results from his doctor, I am going to try and fight with medicaid to get a second opinion, and that second opinion will be from my surgeon, Doc M.
Doc M. is the most qualified spine specialist in this state, Mark's doctor even said that if he thinks Mark's spine needs surgery, that he would send him to Virginia to be treated by a specialist there, he already knows that he's not qualified to do the surgery himself.
I am almost scared to get the results, I don't want it to be any worse than what it is right now, just the spondy and arthritis, I am so afraid that he's got other spine deformities, maybe scoliosis, or severe nerve damage like I have.
I do not want him to have to go through any of the years of pain and hell that I've been through, I won't be able to handle that, I don't want my son to suffer like I have. 

Even though we've decided to not do the surgery right now, my surgeon still wants me to have a bunch of tests done.
I need to call and schedule an MRI, I still have the referral paper he gave me last week, good thing I didn't throw it out after deciding to not have the surgery huh?
After he gets the results of the MRI, he may, but will more than likely he said, have me go do a Myelogram.
I hate that test.
Hate it.
That page and every other page that describes the test, makes it seem like a piece of cake, but it's not.
You lie face down on this table, they strap you in so you absolutely cannot move, and they inject a contrast dye directly into your spinal cord.
Then the table rotates, up, down, side to side, and upside down, holding each final position for about a minute and a half while they watch the dye move through your nerves and blood vessels.
It's very unnerving being upside down for a minute and a half, all the blood rushes to your head, and the table is not soft, it's a hard xray table because they are doing xrays or CT scans to see where and how far the dye goes.
Then after the test, you have to lay in a bed with your head slightly elevated for 6 straight hours, you cannot move, you can't lay on your sides, you can't get up and use the bathroom, you have to lay there for 6 straight hours while the hole they made in your spinal cord closes up naturally on it's own.
They can't stitch it up for some reason, all they can do is put a small band-aid on it, but if you get up, even to just use the bathroom, your spinal fluid can drain out and that is apparently really bad.
I have a major issue with this part, well the whole test, but having to lay there in bed for 6 hours and not be able to use the bathroom.
I cannot pee in a female urinal.
I just can't.
There's something about it that my brain simply refuses to let me pee in the damn thing, so by the time they finally let me get out of the bed, the very 1st thing I do is run straight to the bathroom and let the flood gates open. ha ha
And hospital beds in the recovery rooms are awful, they are very hard, so it's painful for me to lay there perfectly flat for 6 hours. It's not like hospital beds are comfy anyway, it's a hospital, not the Riviera hotel.

They do this test to look for nerve damage, and my surgeon thinks that I have some nerve damage somewhere, but he's not really sure where exactly.
The nerves in the skin on my back have not fully regrown from the 1st surgery in 2006, I still cannot feel it when someone touches my back, I can't feel anything on my back at all, and he said that is very rare that after 3+ years, that I still do not have any feeling in my back.
He's also concerned about the random tingling in my hands and feet.
Both right and left hands, and right and left feet, randomly go numb and tingle, that fall asleep feeling, but it just happens whenever, nothing physical is causing it like it does when you fall asleep on your arm the wrong way, it just happens.
He wants to see why this is happening, and where the damaged nerves are.
So, even though I'm not having the surgery, I'm still going to have to go through all of the pre-surgical tests, that really sucks, I hate that damn Myelogram.
I always end up with a wicked bad headache after, probably because of the whole spinal fluid thing, but the headache takes hours and hours to go away.
I hope that he sees what he needs to see in the MRI and we don't have to do the Myelogram, I just really hate it and never wat to have to do that test again.
 

The surgery, not right now anyway.
My surgeon is someone I trust so much, you have no idea how much I trust that man.
He has never lied to me about any of the risks, how I would be after the surgery, any difficulties I would face when I came home, anything.
He always looks me dead in the eye and tells me the honest truth about everything, so when he looked me in the eyes on Wednesday and told me all of the risks, no matter how small, and then asked me to consider not doing and his feelings on why, I knew, I know, that I have to trust him.

Even though he would be operating above me and his surgeon partner below me, and the same entire surgical team that has been in there with my previous surgeries, measuring and adjusting, and doing everything that they can to try and make my head be straight, something is telling him, worrying him, that it would over correct and I would end up facing upward.
I could see it in his eyes, I have had so many talks with this man over the years, I know how to read him, and I know that look in his eyes was genuine worry that it would have over corrected and come out facing up.
I am going to call him tomorrow and tell him to cancel the operating room, for now, and for him to keep looking for a way to fix me with less risks, to keep talking to other surgeons in this field, maybe one of them will know how to do it better some day, maybe one of them will know how to do it without all of the risks.
Medical science is constantly changing, they are always finding new ways of doing things, so maybe they will find a new way to do this in a year or 2, or 5, who knows, I just have to hang in there and wait.
And he said he will always help me, if I end up having too much pain, he will help me, he'll do whatever he can to help me until the day comes that we find a way to fix this without so many risks to my body and life. 
Facing up would be a thousand times worse than facing down, I would not be able to live that way, there's no way, I wouldn't.
Facing down has been a nightmare that I can't wake up from, facing up would push me over the psychological edge and that would be the end of me, I would never mentally recover from that.

So now I can stop searching so hard for the best term life insurance quotes , I have time to find a good plan at reasonable rates that I can afford so that when they do find a way to fix me, if something goes wrong, there will be money to pay for my cremation.

I posted to my other blog what is going on with the surgery, and my friend Shannon asked the following question;
Is there a reason, other than the obvious, choking and looking down always, that the surgery needs to be done?
The choking is a huge reason, I choke on food while I'm eating if it's a meat and not cut up into itty bitty pieces and I don't chew it to death, I choke on it if it decides to come back up and out, but it's a major quality of life issue.

For the last 9 months, I have been looking down.
My line of sight is down, I see things at knee level and below, I am always looking at the ground, the floor, the carpet, and when I go places, the ground, the dirty ground, the dirty floors of stores etc etc.
On the day that Mark graduated, I wanted so much to be able to look into his face, into his eyes, and tell him how very proud of him I was, how much I loved him, and I couldn't.
I couldn't see anything above his chest and I was straining so physically hard to see that much, leaning back as far as I could, using my cane for stability, and I still could not see his face.

When I go grocery shopping, I cannot see anything above the 3rd bottom shelf.
If I need something above that, I have to back up against the other shelf, find it and either tell 1 of the teens who is with me to get it, or find it exactly, and then walk to it and blindly reach for it and hope that I grab the right product.
I cannot lift anything heavier than 5lbs, if I do, I hurt terribly for the next several days.
Straining my neck to try and see things or people, or road signs, whatever, puts incredible stress on my neck and shoulders and lower back, and I am then in pain for the next several days and unable to do even basic things around the house.

The teens can and do help me with everything around here.
They go grocery shopping with me, they do the laundry, dishes, they help clean the house, they help me cook, everything, but there will come a day when they are grown up and gone and they will not be here to help me with all of those things.
My house will slowly become a disaster no matter how much I try to stay on top of it.
Just trying to stay on top of it daily, causes a ton of pain.
Standing to do dishes for just 5 minutes, causes me to be in immense pain for hours.

I called my surgeon and spoke to him about what if I don't do this surgery, will he ever be able to do it without so many risks, and he said that he will always help me, that he will continue to search for a way to fix me so that my quality of life improves, so that the always present risk of choking to death on food will end, and that medical science is always changing and improving, but he has no idea when it will come up with a way to fix me.
It could be a month from now or 10 years from now, there is simply no way to know, but he will always keep looking for a way, and he and his staff will always help me.

The last 9 months have been extremely depressing, always looking at the ground, not being able to see my son's faces or anyone else either unless we are all sitting down.
People think that I am being rude when they are talking to me and I don't make eye contact, and then I have to explain to them that I cannot raise my head, and then the questions start and I have to explain everything.
Then the pity comes.
The I'm so sorrys, the oh you poor thing, the it will get better, the keep your faith, the god loves you and is giving you what he thinks you can handle bullshit, and the never ending I'm praying for you fucking shit.
If 1 more person tells me that they are praying for me, I might fucking explode.
People have been praying for me and my back issues to be fixed for years, and has it ever done any good at all?
Has it!?!
Tell me!!!!
What has any of that never ending fucking prayer accomplished?!?!
Not a fucking thing that's what!!!
All of those prayers have never gotten anything done, it's all been wasted time and breath, so just fucking stop it, just stop it.
And I really don't want to hear that people pray and god does it in his time, on his time, when he feels it's time.
There is no god, that is evident but all of the world's ills around us and the years upon years of endless unanswered prayers, so just stop, it's a waste of time and it does nothing but piss me off.

The thought of being like this possibly for the rest of my life is overwhelming, it is too much to think about at times.
The last 9 months have been so hard, and I have been sinking further and further into depression.
I know that I need to talk to my doctor about it on Wednesday when I see him, I need to tell him what my surgeon said, let him know that I am still deciding what I should do, but I need to tell him that my depression over this is getting much worse.
Yesterday, I was an absolute wreck, I cried off and on all day long thinking about being like this for possibly for the rest of my life if they never find a way to fix it without so many risks.
Thinking about what my life is going to be like when the teens grow up and leave, how alone I will be, how hard everything will be.
I was so hopeful that eventually I would have a somewhat normal life again, be able to see people's faces, be able to go out again, sit in a movie theater and watch a movie, go out to eat in restaurants, do normal things again, but all of those normal every day things that people take for granted are slipping away from me again.
I am a prisoner in my home, a prisoner of my own body.

Friends and family, my own sons, keep telling me that I could find a nice man some day who would understand, who would be able to deal with all of this, and fall in love with me.
But I don't think so.
Once that man learns the real truth about it all, he wouldn't be able to deal with it, and he would leave.
I am in pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I take a crapload of pain medications that I am physically addicted to.
I am physically unable to do a lot of things, normal every day type things, never mind do relationship type things, sexual relationship type things.
Doing any type of physical activity leaves me in pain and can take hours or days to recover from depending on what that activity is.
Just going to Mark's graduation left me in agonizing pain for the next 3 days, and we didn't even stay for the entire event.
Going grocery shopping for just 1 hour takes me 3 hours to recover from.
You see what I'm getting at here?
Having a normal, loving, sexual relationship with someone is going to be something that causes physical pain and then long recovery periods.
My future is not looking very bright at all.
It's looking very lonesome, very painful, and very depressing, even more depressing than it already is, and so I need to discuss this stuff with my doctor, I know that I have to.
I hate the thought of having to take a medication for depression, but it's getting worse, I am having thoughts of just quitting when the teens grow up and leave.
No, I'm not actually planning anything, but the thoughts are there, the thoughts of they will be grown up and on their own, they will be ok, and I can go, I can end my suffering.
I am not as strong as everyone keeps saying, and that is something else that I am sick and tired of people saying to me, that I'm such a strong person.
No I'm not.
There's a huge difference between being strong and just going through the motions because you have no other fucking choice in the matter.
I have had no other choice in the matter for the last 10+ years.
I am a single mother of 2 teenagers and I have a really bad back.
I have had to get up and keep going because there has been no other option for me, not because I'm strong.
I stopped being Superwoman many, many years ago.

I'm tired, so very, very, very tired.
I'm physically and emotionally drained, I honestly do not know how much more of this life I can take.

I'm so sick and tired of complaining.
I'm like a broken record and I'm sick of listening to myself complain, I can only imagine how other people feel about it.
I am so sick of being in pain, sick of being sick, sick of having to take pain pills to deal with the pain, sick of running out of pain pills because of the crappy rainy weather and having to double up just to be able to move, and then having to wait 3-4 days for my refills to be ready, being out of pain meds makes my body go through withdrawals which is absolutely horrible to deal with, you have no idea what a nightmare that is.

It has rained almost every single day for the last 7 days.
Every day for almost 2-3 hours per day.
The humidity goes up, the rain comes down, and the titanium rods get frozen solid, they get stiff and do not allow me to move.
I lay on the couch underneath my blanket trying to warm them up with my heating pad, I try to move, I try to get up and do all of the things that I need to do as a mother.
Cook dinner for my sons, do their laundry, go grocery shopping, but I can't, I can't do any of it.**
I can barely walk to the freaking bathroom without crying, never mind stand and cook dinner.
I hate the rainy season, I hate it so so much.
It hurts me, it makes me hurt, it makes my body stiff as a board, an unbreakable board, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it.

I hate all of the pain pills, I hate it all.
I hate what I have to take, I hate how much I have to take, and I hate that after this next surgery, there will be even more of it to take, probably even higher doses, maybe even stronger ones, and that really, really bothers me.
I lay in my bed at night and cry about it sometimes, actually, a lot.

I hate what all of these pain medicines have done to my body and my mind.
I hate how my body requires them, needs them, and that at exactly after 6 hours, if I don't take another 1, my body starts screaming at me to take it.
My back starts to spasm, my stomach starts cramping up to let me know that it needs it or else there will be hell to pay in the form of diarrhea or vomit.
I go through withdrawals almost immediately if I do not take my pain medicines every 6 hours as I have been doing for the last 10+ years.
My body is so used to having them every 6 hours that my mind is trained to know exactly when I should have them.
I am fully addicted to my pain medicines.
I am totally ashamed to admit this, but I am at a loss of what to do right now because I'm having another fucking surgery.
When I 1st started seeing my pain manager after my 1st spine fusion surgery, I told him that I wanted to get off all of the pain pills, and that is what we were working on.
We had successfully gotten me off of almost all of them when we got the news that my neck vertebrae were basically killing me, and I had to have emergency surgery in 30 days or I was going to die in August 2008, and then I had the surgery on September 9th 2008.

But I was taking 320, 10/325mg Hydrocodone (pain) per month, and we got down to taking just 40 of those.
I had been taking 180, 30mg Oxycontin (pain) per month, and we got down to taking just 30 of those.
I had been taking 180, 250mg Soma (muscle relaxer) per month, and we got down to taking just 30 of those.

I had the 1st spine fusion in February 2006, and spent the 1st year doing physical therapy and adjusting to life, and then that whole 2nd year and right up until I got the news about my neck, I spent it trying to get off all of the drugs.
I was working on it, I was slowly weaning off the drugs, it was working and it was going so well.
I wasn't having any painful withdrawal symptoms because my body was still getting the drugs it wanted, it was just getting them much more spaced out, many, many hours spaced out, we were doing it the right way, and we were so close to finally being off all of them, I was almost free of the drugs.

And then I had the cervical spine fusion surgery, and they put me back on:
320, 10/325mg Hydrocodone, 180, 40mg Oxycontin, and only 30 of the 250mg Soma per month.
I don't like the Somas, they knock me out for hours and hours, and when I wake up, I'm completely confused.
I don't know what day it is, where I am, where my kids are, anything, completely and utterly confused.
They don't have the nickname "soma coma" for nothing.

On June 29th, I'm having another cervical spine fusion surgery, this one will go all the way up to my occiptal bone in my skull, a metal plate will be attached to my skull permanently, I'll have new rods and screws, I'll be in a halo brace for anywhere from 3-6 months, there's a possibility that my throat swells shut during surgery and I'll need a trach tube in order to be able to breathe, a possibility that I won't be able to eat and swallow food so I may need a feeding tube.
There is no telling what kind of drugs they are going to put me on for the amount of pain that I will be in.
I'm going to have 4 screws in my skull for 3-6 months and a contraption on my head and shoulders for that long, it's going to be annoying and painful, I'm sure the drugs will be strong and flowing, and my body will love them.
And then it will be hell to get off of them.

My body is addicted to the pain medicine that I take and I am ashamed of that.
I am also very afraid of it, I am afraid of what they are going to give me next and for how long, and afraid of what it's going to be like to get off of it all when the time comes.
Withdrawals are very, very painful, your whole body hurts and aches, your skin crawls and itches, spasms, you hallucinate, every single inch of your body and mind is in absolute hell while coming off of the drugs and I admit to being terrified of what is going to happen and it's not even time for it yet, but it's because I know that with this next surgery the drugs they are going to give me are going to be even stronger than what I am taking right now and because I know how bad my body craves what I take right now.

I hate this.
I hate it all.

Over the last 10 months now, I've been losing weight through a variety a ways.
One way has been because I was afraid to eat during the day when the teens weren't home because if I got sick, I was choking on my own vomit and almost dying, so I lost weight by not eating.
Another way has been because of the medicines I take, they just decrease my appetite, and some of them make food and drink taste absolutely terrible, so I don't even bother trying to eat when everything tastes like crap.
And since February, I've been cooking with the NuWave Oven Pro which drains off excess fats and oils, and I've lost 15 lbs.
After this next and hopefully last spine fusion surgery, I really want to get serious about my weight and lose even more weight to get down to my ideal weight which is about 140-145, so I've been reading a lot of diet pill reviews, and one that I've been reading has a lot of potential.
I read some Decaslim reviews, and it sounds very promising to help me get to my goal weight.
I look really good at 140-145, not too thin, no bones showing, but not fatty either, my face looks really good at that weight, my frame looks good, I can fit into nice clothes at that weight, and I feel good at that weight.
So, after this next and hopefully last surgery, I am going to get super serious about my weight and take off as much as I can through diet and exercise, and if I need any help, I will check out any supplement help that my doctors recommend and give it a go to get down to 140-145 and finally be at my ideal weight again.
I'm not getting any younger, I've got to get down to a good weight and stay there. 

I think I am going to have to start asking around and get some health insurance leads because I need a secondary insurance.
I have medicare as my only medical insurance, and they pay 80% of everything, and then I pay the rest, my co-pays.
I have Humana as my part D drug coverage, but I think I need another insurance.
My surgeon's office called me on Friday about the upcoming surgery, and asked me if I had a secondary insurance, I said no because I don't.
She said that my co-pay was going to be about $2,600 after medicare paid their 80%, and I'd be responsible for the rest.
I have no idea if I could even qualify for any health insurance right now because I have some pretty extensive pre-existing medical conditions, not too many insurance companies would take me on, and if they do, the monthly premiums would be very high.
I'm thinking I'd be better off without another insurance, and just make payments on the balance forever until it's all paid off.
I can't afford expensive premiums every month.
I just don't have that kind of money.

I have now lived in this duplex for 11 years as of this month, that's a long time to live in one apartment, and it shows.
My house is not dirty by any means, it's just lived in, cluttered.
My home will never be featured in a magazine like Better Homes & Gardens that's for sure, but it's not a disgusting pig sty either.

The carpets are old, faded, and worn out.
The cupboard doors and knobs have all seen better days, the bathroom fixtures are corroded and falling apart, and the walls definitely need to be cleaned and painted.
I'd love to get everything out of the house, move it all out into the driveway/carport, and then get one of those pressure washers and spray clean the entire house.
Just wash every single inch of everything down, get rid of cobwebs and dust hanging in corners, hanging off of the textured ceiling, put down all new tack paper in the cupboards, get all new knobs and fixtures, get the bathroom all new faucet fixtures too.

Or move.
Move and start over totally fresh and clean somewhere else.
But after living in any home for many years, it would be all lived in and cluttered again.
Our homes are where we put our stuff.
I used to be meticulous about cleaning, my home used to be spotless, but as the pain got worse, as I got surgeries and treatments for pain, the less cleaning I did.
I do keep up with as much as I can, and like I said, it's not a disgusting mess in here, but there is dust in places I just can't reach, I can't get down on my hands and knees and clean as well as I'd like to, and it definitely looks like people live here, we have stuff everywhere.
I really would love to just start in a room and clean it and get rid of as much stuff as I possibly can.
I'd love to just get rid of all of the crap we haven't used or touched in 6 months or longer, just get rid of it all.
I want to take back control of my house, clean it, get rid of things, wash the walls, and then paint everything.
I want to rip up the carpets and put new carpet down.
I want to make my house look really good again, but it's something that I'm going to have to work on really slowly over time.
I'm definitely going to start in my room, that's the room with the most crap in it to get rid of.

I have not been doing so well over the last few days weeks because of all of the stuff going on in my life right now.
Mark is graduating high school on May 30th from 9am-1pm at the local arena.
Over 950 students are graduating, that's why it's going to be 4 hours long.
4 hours in what I am sure is a very uncomfortable chair, I have no idea how I'm going to physically deal with that, but I AM going to deal with it because my baby boy, my 1st baby is graduating from high school.
I postponed my surgery so that I could be there to see him graduate, so I will get through 4 very long uncomfortable hours no matter what.

Then Monday, June 1st, is Sebastian's birthday and the start of hurricane season.
Sebastian has been feeling like everyone forgot his birthday because of all of the talk about Mark's graduation.
NO ONE has forgotten his birthday at all, it's on Monday, Mark's graduation is on the Saturday before it.
Trust me, I know when his birthday is, I recall that day crystal clear.
But he's worried that people will forget his birthday, that he won't get any birthday cards in the mail from all of his relatives like his grandparents, his aunts, etc.
He just thinks that everyone will forget because Mark's graduation is such a big deal.
I keep trying to tell him that no one has forgotten, that he will get his birthday cards filled with handwritten words of birthday wishes and love from everyone, to stop worrying.
Yes, we are all excited about Mark graduating, but we have not forgotten his birthday.

And I'm just really stressing about the upcoming surgery big time.
I always get like this for weeks before the surgery, and then I'm ok about a week before it actually happens.
Like, I suddenly snap back and suddenly able to deal with it all, I get mentally prepared for it, I become positive and ready, but until that morning when I wake up ready to just do it, I'm an absolute wreck.
That's how I am right now.
I am a total freaking wreck.
I know that I will be ok, but for now I'm just one giant ball of stress and worry about everything.
And I have so much to do.
I need to make sure that all of my papers are in order again, my DNR, my sound mind and health statements about where and who I want the teens to live with in the event that something goes wrong.
And I know that those papers don't constitute actual custody papers, but a judge would take them into consideration when determining custody if something should go terribly wrong and I don't make it back.
I do not want my ex-husband, their father, to have them, and they do not want to go with him anyway.
They are old enough to tell a judge where and who they want to live with, and that is who is written in my papers.
There are 3 people/families, written in order of who we want them to live with 1st, and if that family can't do it, the next, and so on.
The teens have made it very clear that if something does happen and I die, that if a judge orders them to live with their father, they will run away and not go back no matter what.
And then Mark will file for emancipation, and then file for custody of Sebastian.
They absolutely refuse to live with their father.

All of this stuff and more is on my mind and stressing me out, it all has to be dealt with, and I will deal with it, I just am struggling right now, I need to get to that mental point where it just clicks and I'm ok.
But I am not there right now, I am nowhere close to that right now.
I am a mess 24/7, I cry at the drop of a hat, I can barely sleep, I can barely eat.
I need to get to the good place but it's just not happened yet.

I have had a really bad couple of days here, still hurting pretty bad too.
It's been raining off and on since Thursday, so my joints, my bones, and the titanium, have just been in pure agony.
In yesterday's mail, I got a letter from Cindy, my surgeon's nurse, and in it were all of the surgery dates.
My surgery pre-op testing will be on June 10th at 9:30am, and my surgery will be on June 29th, and I have to be at the hospital at 6:30am.
It's all scheduled, so it's on whether I'm mentally ready for it or not.

The bathroom undermount sink has been driving me crazy!
It's been leaking, and clogging up all weekend, I have got to get that fixed soon.
It started clogging up last night, and when I went to plunge it, I felt some water hitting my feet.
I know that I didn't splash any out of the sink, so I opened the doors and saw that there's a link in the pipes.
Great, just great.
What was a simple project to replace just the faucet, is now going to have to be handled by the landlord, and the whole thing is going to have to be fixed.

Cross posted from my other blog because it relates to my surgery and personal feelings.

Mark and I went shopping this afternoon because Sebastian wasn't feeling well, and I've noticed something about who goes shopping with me and how much I spend.
If Sebastian goes, I stay on target, to my list, and don't overspend.
If Mark goes with me, I end up buying things not on my list, and spend more than I had planned too.
So guess how I did today?
If you guessed that I spent more, you'd be correct.

My total bill before coupons was $231.94
Total is coupons and in store special savings - $49.15
Total after coupons and savings applied = $182.79

I try to use as many coupons as I can, and take advantage of as many in store special savings as I can, because I only get $349.00 per month in food stamps, and with 2 growing young men in the house, that food money goes very quickly.
I try to avoid buying junk food items when I can, and I try to cook as many meals as I can without buying easy microwave foods because they cost more.
Sometimes. Publix always has a lot of easy foods on sale for super cheap, and I usually always have coupons to match those items, so sometimes I do end up buying easy foods. But anyway, whenever Mark goes with me he distracts me, he stands in front of me while I'm trying to look at and compare the costs of items on the shelves.
He's always talking to me about something totally unrelated to shopping while I'm trying to shop.
I ended up buying about 15 items not on my list today.
Ugh.
But, they were on sale, so I can't complain too much about it. It would have been nicer had I had matching coupons for those items, but oh well.
What did I buy that wasn't on my list? Chips, dip, beef jerky, some Oreo cookie things, Fun Stix I think they are called, more soda, another pound of lunch meat, some bread from the bakery, canned soup, about 5-6cans, and some canned spaghettios.

Speaking of spaghettios, next month begins the hurricane supply shopping.
I need to stock up on the canned foods that can be eaten without heating them up, and stuff like that.
I'm actually worried about hurricane season this year, not because they have predicted any yet, but because I'm having another spine fusion in June, and with the kind of luck that I have, this year will be the year that we get hit with a hurricane here in Sarasota, and I'll be in a bad state recovering from surgery, in the halo brace, possibly the trach tube, and we'll get smacked with a big one.
Sarasota is weird, in the 12 years we've lived here, this area hasn't been hit with a single hurricane, it's like we live in the outer banks twilight zone of storm free zones.
The most we've ever gotten here is a small bit of wind and rain, just enough wind to blow some trash cans around, maybe take out a really old tree, but nothing major.
But like I said, because of the kind of luck that I have, this will be the year that Sarasota gets nailed, and I'll be completely useless to deal with it, I'll have to rely on other people to help us pack up stuff and evacuate.
So far, the tropics look good, there's nothing at all out there, so let's hope it stays that way all through hurricane season which is June 1st to November 30th.

Today was a very rough day, it actually started last night and yesterday afternoon as rains moved into the area.
The titanium rods get so cold, just so so cold, it's painful and agonizing, and I just hurt over every inch of my body.
Today was so painful, I laid in bed most of the day trying to sleep, but the pain was just too much, and so instead of sleeping, I spent the day crying.

I hate this ya know, I hate this life that I live.
Every day is a struggle to move and do things, take care of my home and family, try to do what I'm supposed to, try to do it all through the pain, and some days it's just too much.

I have to have another surgery, and the thought of going through it again, dealing with more pain and more recovery time, just makes me very angry and depressed.
I hate the pain, I hate constant and never ending pain, the constant pain medications, I hate it all, every single bit of it.
There are days, much like today, that I simply don't even want to go on anymore, I want it to all just stop, I want it all to be over with.
I'm so fucking sick of being in pain, being on pain meds, being stuck in these awful and painful positions.
I'm so fucking tired, just so so fucking tired of it all.

Sometimes I think I just need a really long vacation to somewhere secluded, to be all alone and not have to deal with anything or anyone.
I've even thought of being trapped on a cruise ship, locking myself in my room, only venturing out to eat, maybe taking walks on the decks late at night when other people are dancing away in the nightclubs or sleeping soundly.
I just want some major alone time, and I don't think I'm going to get any very soon.
Why?
I fade in and out of depression a lot, especially in these last few months.
I rarely sleep anymore, often lying awake all night long in my room just waiting for the alarm to go off, or laying on the couch watching mindless tv all night just to pass the time.
I need the surgery, I can't stay living like this, but I also don't want to go through another surgery again, I don't want to put my family through another one again.
It's hard, so so hard on all of us.
I don't have a date yet, but now that I know when Mark's graduation is, I want to wait until after that to have the next surgery, I don't want to miss it by being in the hospital, and I also don't want to miss it because I just got home from the hospital, and I also don't want to show up at his graduation in that terrible halo brace.
I think I'm going to call my surgeon on Monday morning and request that we do it in June.
That way I won't miss his graduation or have to go to it that brace, plus, both teens will be out of school for the year, they won't miss any school, they won't be in school worried about me either.
I think that's the best plan for all of us who have to deal with this.
But it also means another month or so like this, with my head stuck down, with not being able to eat unless other people are home because of the risks of choking, and being in so much pain.
But it really is the best plan I think, even if it means having to wait a bit longer.

Mindy didn't want to come over when her husband Chris comes to take a look at the AC tonight because she has been sick, and she doesn't want me to catch it.
I told her not to worry about it because if I tried to avoid people who are sick, I'd never be able to leave my house, or I'd have to live in a bubble.

My immune system is just shot, surgeries, medications, it's just wrecked, there's not much I can do about it.
I mean, I'd probably have to take pills the size of horse supplements for antibiotics, or some sort of antioxidant or something like that, to try and help my immune system fight off catching stuff or killing an infection when I get them.
I catch everything, nothing I can do, and I'm not going to spend my life avoiding people in order to try and avoid getting sick.
If I get sick, I get sick.
Heck, i'm sick like every other week any way.

I went to my surgeon appointment this afternoon, I didn't see my surgeon, he was in surgery, so I saw one of the other surgical team members.
She went over my CT Scan results, text and the films, and we talked about everything, what the plan is, what they will do, what they can do, and what may happen.

The plan is to completely remove the vertebrae at C7, you can see where that is on this chart, and then after removing that vertebrae, they would pull C6 down to meet up with T1, or pull T1 up to meet up with C6, whatever.
In order to do this, all of the rods that are currently installed from C1 to T3, would need to be taken out, they would leave all of the screws in place because they will need those later to attach new rods again.
By removing that vertebrae, it would straighten my neck and head out.
My head isn't totally collapsed down on it's own, it's actually the fault of C7, that my head is facing down.
Right at C7, my spine starts curving forward, and so my head looks tilted down, but it's actually my whole neck they said.
Yes, C1 and C2, are congenitally fused from birth, there is no disc between them at all, and they did bend forward a bit, but it is C7 that is causing the forward bending and downward tilt.

Once they remove C7, pull up T1 to meet up with C6, they will decide if they need to fuse me all of the way up to the base of my skull, the occipital bone,  which would prevent any movement at all, forever.
I would never turn my head left or right, or up and down, ever again.
That is something I have come to terms with, and I am ok with it because right now, looking down all of the time, is very depressing, and it actually causes dizzy spells, I lose my balance a lot too.
It is not a definite that they will have to do that, so until it actually happens, I am not going to worry about it.

Because of the new CT films, they have a much better look at what's going on, they know better now what they are facing, and what will more than likely happen.
Because of the new films and what they can see, the risk percentages have come way, way down, and the trach tube, which I have been in an almost panic over, dwelling on it constantly, if they have to do it at all, it would NOT be in for 3-4 months at all.
It would only be in for about 2 weeks total, and it would only be put in if during surgery, my neck muscles started tightening up on the breathing tube (intubation tube used during surgery to keep you breathing)  causing the tube to get squished which would prevent me from breathing, so a trach would have to be put in below my vocal cords so I would be able to talk by covering the hole on the trach tube.
But again, it would only be in for about 2 weeks, just long enough for my neck muscles to heal up and then they would remove it, stitch me all back up, and I'd be all good to go breathing through mouth and nose again.

As for the feeding tube, it also depends on what happens with the intubation tube during surgery, so that's another wait and see, but if it does happen, and depending on what they had to do, either a feeding tube would be placed down through my nose for a short period of time.
If it ends up being needed for a longer period of time, they would do a stomach feeding tube.

We don't have a specific date yet, we are looking at a couple of dates, but my surgeon will decide on the final date.
So far, the possible dates are April 10th, or April 24th, or wait until sometime in May.
He may want to wait until May, give me just a little bit more time to heal up a bit more, but they said that so far, my bones are fusing really, really good.
That's probably due to the insane amount of calcium I take every single day.
Normal people take 1 calcium tablet per day, I take a Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc tablet 4 times per day to help with new bone growth and fusion.
I don't recommend this amount, nor even half of it, unless you enjoy being really gassy.
Ha ha
Seriously though, all of that calcium has a gassy side effect, so you're either constantly burping, or constantly farting.

I will definitely be in a halo brace for 3-4 months, and they have told me this will probably be the most frustrating part of my recovery.
It is screwed into your skull, 2 in front, 2 in back, and as you can see from those images, a big contraption attached to me 24/7 for the entire length of time he decides I need to wear it.
Sleeping, eating, everything, will be extremely difficult, and feel like living in a prison, so a lot of patients get very depressed within a few weeks of living with it, but they have medications that can help with the anxiety and panic attacks that come from feeling all closed in and trapped.
It's screwed into your skull, attached to your shoulders and chest, there's zero chance for any type of movement at all, so it becomes a lot for people to mentally handle.
I really don't know how well I'll deal with it.
I hated wearing the turtle shell brace on my body after my first A/P spine fusion in 2006, and I hated the neck brace from this past surgery in September 2008, so this big thing attached to my skull with no way of ever taking it off myself to give myself a break from it for even an hour, may drive me slightly insane.
I just won't know until it's on me and I'm at home away from the morphine drip machines that numb out any feelings and thoughts, having to take oral medications, or however they will have to do it if I end up with a feeding tube.

Tomorrow, I have to call my heart doctor, get an appointment to have him clear me for surgery, so another cardiac stress test, and then my primary care physician to have her clear me as well.
I'm setting these appointments up ASAP so that my primary care doc can't try to cancel my surgery at the last minute like she did in September.
 
So anyway, that's where I'm at, we have a plan but no definite date yet.
I have stuff to take care of to get the surgery ball rolling, and take care of everything around my home, for my sons, all of the same stuff I always do for every surgery.

Below is an interesting CT Scan image.
This is me, it was taken on 3-19-2009, and it's a front view of me from the chest all the way up to the top of my skull.
I know it looks like it's from behind because the rods and screws appear to be in the front, but it's not, it is a face front view, but the rods and screws stand out like crazy.
This shows you just how high up the fusion goes.
C1 is basically at nose level, and all of that metal goes all of the way down to my tailbone.
Kinda freaky looking eh?
Click it for biggie size to really see how freaky it is.

Most of my readers know by now that I receive social security disability and Medicare because of my spine and health issues, so I post about it every now and then.
I'm usually talking about the Medicare portion of it, the medical insurance and part D drug coverage.
Most of my meds are covered by Humana, the part D provider I chose, but some aren't, that's just the way it is with all insurances though.

My long time readers know how hard it was for me to even get my SSDI, I applied in April 2001, and it wasn't granted until December 23rd 2005.
I was denied twice.
When I first applied I didn't have any help, and so when I was denied, I didn't know where to go or who to get help from.
I ended up getting a lawyer to help me, but there are other places you can get help for applying and going through the process.
 
Allsup is one of those places.
They have a 97% success rate helping people from starting the application process all the way through until it's approved.
They've been in business since 1984, and they have helped over 110,000 people get the SSDI benefits and Medicare they deserve.
Having representation is so very important when you have to go through this process, you have no idea what you're doing, there's a million complicated forms, they make you go to their doctors, you have to get letters from all of your doctors, it's just so long and complicated, you really need the help.
If I had had help from the start, I probably wouldn't have been denied that first time, and if I had the right help, I probably wouldn't have been denied the second time.
If you're worried about how much having representation will cost you, don't.
The fees cannot exceed 25% of your total retroactive award benefit amount, or the cap which is $5,300.
This fee is set by SSDI, and no organization or lawyer can go above it, so you're not going to get ripped off by getting help.

I know a few people who are currently going through this process right now and struggling with all of the paperwork, and 1 of them has been denied.
I told her she needed to get help, and now that I know about Allsup, I'll be calling her as soon as I'm done with this post and telling her about them.
Every time she and I talk, she's always asking me for help with it, and just because I've been through it, it doesn't make me an expert, far from it.
I'm currently attempting to read and understand a letter they sent me a few days ago.
More mumbo jumbo legalese that I just don't understand.
All I could figure out so far is that my disability is ongoing and they will revisit my case in 2012.
That's all I can figure out from 10 pages of information.
It's very stressful dealing with all of this, so definitely get help with it if you're going to be applying or are in process right now.
You're going to need it.

After years of my body being crooked, like the majority of my life, I adjusted to how I saw things.
When your spine sets your head slightly off center, your vision adjust to that position.
Then I had the first surgery in 2006, my line of sight corrected itself, my head was now placed in the center of my body, so it took about 6 months or so before my vision adjusted to the correct line of sight.

I had the second surgery in September, my head dropped down, so now my line of sight is off again, and at times it's ok, I have adjusted for the most part, but if I do a lot of walking, standing, bending, my line of sight goes off center, and I end up dizzy, my vision is off, and there have been a few times I've actually gotten nauseous from not being "right".

I'm having one of those times right now.
I didn't think I overdid it today, but apparently I did, because I am dizzy, my vision is way off, it's tilted to the left, so my line of sight is off to the left and sort of spinning, and I'm having trouble correcting it.
If I close my eyes, it actually gets worse, look down, I get dizzy and nauseous, look right, my visions starts spinning wildly, I can't get it to adjust tonight.
 

This may be long, sorry.

I went to my pain doc appointment this morning, and let me tell you, it was just a messy day.
My pain doc does sports pain, rehab kind of stuff, general pain management, helps people wean off of pain drugs.
That was my original intent when I started seeing him in 2007, to get off of the drugs.
I had my 1st surgery, expected it to be my only surgery, so our goal was to start weaning me off of them, and we were.
I had gone from taking over 300 Hydrocodone 10/325's per month, down to just 60, and we were well on our way to being off of them completely.
Since then, I've had another surgery, (September '08) and will be having another.
The pain medications I am on are very strong, I am not going to lie to anyone about what I take.
I take Hydrocodone 10/325 8 times per day.
I take Oxycontin 30mg 6 times per day.
That was until today.
See, the pharmaceutical companies that make the Oxycontin 30's, there were 3 of them, 2 of them were told to stop making them for some reason, so that leaves 1 manufacturer to create enough supply for the entire country.
They cannot keep up with the demand.
So the Oxycontin 30's are out of the question, they cannot be gotten by any of the local pharmacies, so my pain doc prescribed me a new dose, 40mg Oxycontin, timed release, for 4 times per day.
When I went to the pharmacy to get them and the Hydrocodone 10/325's quantity 180 per month,  I was told my insurance does not cover them, they cost $295.00 out of pocket, I simply don't have the money, so I only picked up the Hydrocodone 10/325s.

Also, my pain doc does sports injuries, rehab, he works mainly on smaller injuries and helping people get better so they can stop taking medication.
Because of my surgical history, because I'll be having another surgery, he decided that he cannot continue seeing me, and he referred me to another pain doc who works with people like me, surgical patients with a history and a future history of needing more pain management than he is capable of providing.
I came home and called the new doc, made an appointment, I see him on Monday the 23rd at 3:15pm, and hopefully he can help me.

There's another reason my pain doc has decided to transfer me to another doctor.
Last month here in Sarasota, a 17 year old boy broke into a house and stole the pain medication of a man dying of cancer.
He stole several bottles of heavy duty narcotics including Oxycontn 30's.
He went home and overdosed on the pills he stole.
Please remember that part, he broke into a home, stole the medication, and overdosed on it.

His parents found his body and the pill bottles.
In their grief and anger, they decided that somebody must pay for this, so they have hired a lawyer who must have found some loophole, and they are suing the doctor who prescribed the medication.

Did you get that?!
The parents are suing a doctor who prescribed medication to his patient, the patient had his home broken into by the 17 year old, the 17 year old overdosed, and so the parents are suing the doctor for negligent homicide.

I don't understand how the parents, even the lawyer, can think this is the right thing to do.
The doctor didn't prescribe them to the 17 year old and then the kid died, the doctor prescribed them to his pateint who was dying of cancer, the 17 year old BROKE IN, STOLE the medicine, and died, and so how is it even remotely negligent homicide on the doctor's part?!?!
I don't understand why the judge hasn't throw out this lawsuit either, it's not right.
How is the doctor even remotely responsible for this kid dying?
The kid broke into a home, stole the medicine, took a lot of it and died.
It's not the doctor's fault at all, it's the kid's fault.
He was a dumb ass kid who stole medicine and took too much and died.
How the parents can blame the doctor is beyond me.
They need to bury their son and shut the fuck up in my opinion.
Their son was a thief and a drug addict, the doctor had nothing at all to do with what their kid did, and for them to sue the doc is just stupid.
Their kid was stupid and so are the parents.

But thanks to them, doctors are scared to prescribe the medication, they are afraid that if someone breaks in and steals it, that they will get sued as well.
So I'm being sent to a new pain doc with more legal stuff than he has, more doctor/patient contracts than he has, he may even use medicine safes that can only be opened on a timer by the patient, and if opened at the wrong time, and alarm sounds at his (the doctors) office, and the doctor calls the patient to check on why they are opening it at the wrong time.
I don't know for sure, but that may be what I am in for at this new doctor.
In the mean time, I only have one of my medications because my insurance doesn't cover the other one, I can't afford to pick it up, my tax refund still isn't in, so I may end up having to wait until I get that money to pick it up, or wait until the 23rd when I see this new doctor, and he will have to prescribe me something that my insurance does cover.
I haven't been feeling all that well between the fall and just generally sick, so my pay that I just got a few minutes ago by paypal, isn't even close to being enough to pick it up either.
Nothing I can do but wait it out, hope the one med will be enough to get me through until I either get the money or get a new script.

Apricot trees.
Heh.
I made a rhyme.

I thought I was back on the mend yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, my hip and knees were still killing me, I had a migraine to boot, my brain was like in "off" mode too.
I couldn't think a good decent thought for more than 2 minutes, so I spent the day watching stupid stuff on tv, reading Twitter, and just generally annoyed with myself.
I have work to do, I'm letting people down.
I'm letting myself down, and that annoys the crap outta me.

I hate when I get like this, when I can't focus, when I can't think, when I can't do what I am supposed to do.
I'm already in a funk, and then not doing everything that I need to do, puts me in a deeper funk, I start dwelling on it, and then that's all I can think about when I am thinking about any 1 subject for more than 2 minutes.
Like right now.
I've had all day to do work, I've had all day to reply to emails, but no, I couldn't do any of it, so now I'm sitting here just aggravated with myself and hungry.
I just want to eat and eat and eat, and nothing is satisfying me at all.
Why?
Because emotionally I'm not satisfied.
I know this about myself.
I know that when I am an emotional mess, I want to over eat, I want to eat sweets like cake, ice cream, cookies, but once I have it, it doesn't taste right, and I try finding something else to fill the void.
But it's a void that cannot be filled.

My brain is a total mess lately, and I know what's causing it.
I know that the things my surgeon said to me on the last visit have entered my head and never left it.
Halo brace, 3-4 months.
Possible paralysis.
Possible trach tube for 3-4 months.
Not eating, not breathing through nose or mouth, no speaking.
No speaking.
It is weighing so heavily on my mind, no speaking at all, no speaking to my sons for several months.

That thought consumes me day and night, I'm drowning in it.
I know he told me the possibilities so I could be prepared, but I am drowning in those possibilities, those thoughts, those what-ifs.
It swallows me from the moment I wake, when I do finally sleep for any amount of time, until I sleep again, which is like non-existent these days, because those thoughts are just there, they aren't going away.
I lay awake in my bed listening to music, trying to drown out the thoughts, and they power out the music, I picture myself with that trach tube in my throat, not speaking to my sons, not telling them daily that I love them, not asking them how their day was, not helping them with whatever, not answering what's for dinner, not telling them to stop arguing, and so many more stupid mommy things that I say to them on a daily basis.
I don't see the surgeon until the 25th, I don't know the surgical plan until then, I don't have any more percentages of things that could go right and wrong, and so I drown in the information I do know and I can't let it go.

Just make it go away, I want it to go away.
I want to be empty-headed, upbeat, happy,  and "ok", but instead, I am consumed, and drowning, and letting myself and others around me down with every passing day.

I have been going through a rough patch these last few weeks, I'm stressed out and worried about the upcoming surgery whenever that will be, I had lost trust and faith in people due to some nasty people with nothing better to do than harass me online.
I'm no stranger that, but it's still never fun to deal with.
I've been tired but not sleeping, then sleeping when I should have been awake, having blood pressure issues, and just all kinds of stuff.

I lashed out at everyone around me, my kids, friends in the off line world, friends in the online world, I lashed out on the forums for my job.
I blew up, just absolutely exploded on everyone around me, I had reached my breaking point and exploded.
I felt terrible after I had done it, I deleted the thread on the work forums, I apologized to both my friends online and off, and have been trying to find other ways to deal with all of the issues that have come up in my life recently.
I've been doing a lot of laying down and listening to music, playing games, watching movies.
Maybe those things aren't exactly the way to deal with things, but they take my mind off of everything.

And then just when I needed to know I was cared about, that everything I do IS noticed, that people really do want me to be ok, people showed me that I was.
 
I told you how some friends all got together and sent me the NuWave Pro Oven that I had been wanting to get so that the teens won't have to eat junk food, and take-out or delivery food, while I recover from that upcoming surgery, and it really does rock, it's freaking awesome.
And then about 10 minutes ago, the FedEx guy knocked on the door.
Mark got up and answered it because I was laying down on the couch with 3 of the 4 kitties, (another stress reliever for me) and it was just an envelope.
The sent from address was from Publix, my local grocery store.
Inside, I found 3 gift cards for $100 each, but no note, no sent from name or address.
I laid there on the couch asking out loud, "Who sent these?!"
I couldn't figure out who sent them, I laid there racking my brain as to who could have sent them, and then I remembered an email I received earlier today in reply to 1 I sent out this morning, and this was written at the end of it;
       "Be on the lookout for something we sent over also."
So I *think* I know who sent it, I did email them, no reply yet*, but it has to be them.
They know who they are, so thank you, it helps me so so much, you don't even know.
Now I can go ahead and start stocking up on any meats that are on sale and stick them in the freezer so that the teens can cook for themselves with the NuWave oven, as well as get regular groceries too.
Money and food is always a source of stress in my life.
I have so many doctor's appointments to pay for, medicines that aren't covered by my insurance to pay for, and transportation to all of those appointments, that money left over for food is tricky.
I don't have a car and no license either, (Thanks State of Florida!) so getting everywhere I have to go is either by cab or friend with helping to pay for gas.
I swear, money issues is one of the things that keeps me awake at night.

So yeah, just when I needed it, just when I needed to know that people do care, that I don't have to lose all my faith in people for the stupid things other people do, people showed me that they do care, that I am not dealing with all of this stuff alone.

By the time I finished typing this, the people who sent the gift cards responded, it was them.
Thank you guys and staff, it is so very much appreciated.
 

I was so busy being stressed out about things, that I forgot to update how it went at the pain docs yesterday Friday. (lost track of time too, obviously)

First, his dog, Holly, is ok.
One of her back legs is badly broken, she had to have an operation, has pins and screws in her leg, a couple of broken ribs, and something else, but she's fine.

The nurse took me in the room, asked me to tell her what was up, so I told her everything that happened during surgery and after, and she wrote it all down, told me the doc would be in in a few minutes.
The doc came in, started reading, and then asked me again what happened, so i explained it all to him.
I told him that I had to have another surgery, and showed him that my head doesn't move, about the possible surgery options that my surgeon has, and everything else.

We talked about it all for a bit, he said that if I do end up with a trach tube, that we will work out a way for me to be in contact with his office without having to speak cuz I won't be able to.
He said he'd probably give me his cell number or one of the nurse's cell numbers, and that way I could just text them when I need to make appointments, or if I'm having any severe pain or other troubles.
He wrote out the scripts for the meds I take and actually gave me more than my surgeon was giving me, so that we don't run into any more running out issues.
My surgeon was only giving me my meds by the week, that's all he's allowed to do by law, but the pain doc can do them monthly and even 3 months at a time if need be, but he's got me scheduled to come back in 1 month several days before I am due to run out.

So yeah, all better now, things with my doc are going to work out, he's going to help me as much as he can, he'll help me with the trach tube and not being able to speak, the feeding tube if I need help with it because my surgeon is far away, and my pain doc is local and could get to my house in like 5 minutes if anything bad should happen.

Things are going to be ok.

I went for my first walk this morning without my neck brace.
It was really difficult because I can't lift my head up, but interesting because when I was wearing the neck brace, it was like wearing a huge flashing piece of digital signage that told car drivers to give me some walking room, slow down, don't expect me to jump in the ditch to avoid being hit by a car.

We don't have sidewalks on my street, so yeah, it can be dangerous going for a walk, and this morning I regretted not wearing the neck brace and came back as quickly as possible.
Drivers did not give me any walking room, I could barely see where i was going, barely see oncoming traffic, so trying to get out of the way of jerky drivers was kind of scary.

I came back as quick as I could get here, and have decided that even though my surgeon told me I could stop wearing the neck brace all of the time, that when i go for walks, I'll wear it.
It kept drivers from trying to run me down.

I met with my surgeon again this afternoon, it was a hellish adventure even getting there.
I missed the exit by 2 exits, called people for directions, and ended up going all over fucking Tampa, Hillsborough, Land O' Lakes, Ocala, and several other places before finally arriving there over an hour late.
Lucky for me my doc is a super understanding guy, and that Mindy has the patience of a saint, because I was thisclose to murdering the next person who gave us fucked up directions.


The good news is that he can fix my neck issues, but no date yet.
He wants to wait 2 more months, talk with some other specialist surgeons in this field, he's sending me for another MRI, another CT scan, and back to my pain manager doc until we pick a date for the surgery.

The bad news is that fixing my neck comes with a great deal of risks.
I have to decide if I'm willing to take those risks, and it's a great deal to think about, actually, it's overwhelming.

He has only 2 possible ways of fixing me, and they both come with the exact same risks.
There is a 10% chance of total paralysis, about a 10% chance of not being able to breathe on my own for about 3 months, I would end up having a trach tube installed, that hole thing they put in people's necks.
Other patients who have had this type of revision surgery have had the breathing issue, but after a few months, they are able to breathe on their own again.
And I WILL be in a full halo brace for a minimum of 3 months.

If things go wrong, I would end up being cared for by others for either just a few months, or for the rest of my life.
This is a lot to deal with, it's a great deal to take in, absorb, so I'm really hoping that after he talks with other specialists, that they will have a better idea of how to proceed, maybe another idea with a little less risks.
He did multiple xrays, he also took some still photos and a short video with his cell phone camera, so he can show the other surgeons my range of motion issues that I'm having, just how far my head is stuck down etc.

So anyway, forgive me if I'm not super miss happy go fucking jolly for a few days, I need some time to take this all in and adjust to what I learned today, and be hopeful that he can come up with a better plan, a better way to fix me with less risks.

The surgeon's office called me this morning, I have an appointment on January 9th, but it's way too early in the am for me to get there, so I'm waiting for them to come back from lunch so I can change that.
He wants to see me so we can talk about the revision surgery.
So, the surgery itself probably won't be until February, but that's ok, at least I know for sure it's going to be done and soon.

My surgeon wasn't there today, he was in surgery, but I saw one of the other surgeons and also spoke to his nurse Cindy, about the revision surgery.
I explained all of what's been going on with me, and the whole choking to death when I puke issue, and she agreed that we need to do this ASAP.

She asked me what I was doing in the next couple of weeks, and I told her spending Christmas with my sons, but I'm totally on a free schedule after the 1st of the year.
She said ok, said she'd talk to him about it, get his nurse Cindy up to speed, and Cindy will also talk with him about it, and then she'll call me with a date for the revision surgery.

I'm so freaking happy!!!!!
I know when, well sorta, it will be either in January or February, and it will also be back at the hospital I had my A/P spine fusion at in 2006, Mease Countryside.
No more icky, horrible, super religious St. Joseph's Hospital in Tampa.
Yay!
This makes me way happy for a number of reasons, and I'll post about them at some point.
Things happened during my surgery at St. Joe's, and also the staff there was just really bad.
In ICU, the nurses were so freaking fantastic, but when you have several ICU nurses tell you they are trying everything they can to keep you in ICU as long as possible because once moved over to the women's floor, "You won't be cared for properly", speaks volumes about the kind of care the nursing staff provides over there, and they were right, a world of difference in the care received.

But anyway, we left the doc's with good news, and then came back down here and went and did a little grocery shopping, and I almost choked at how much milk Mindy's family goes through every week.
3 gallons!
OMG! I would flip out if I had to buy that much milk every week at $3.99 per gallon.
We go through a single half gallon a week, if I buy a gallon, it ends up going bad before it's at the halfway mark.

Then I came home and started looking for my external tape drives or hard drives thingy, whatever it's called, that I had tucked away in a drawer. I have some files stored on it that I need for my medical stuff from that surgery in 2006, but I can't find the dang thing.
That means one of two things.
I either put it in the giant box of spare computer parts, keyboards, monitors, internal hard drives, and other assorted computer stuff, that's in the closet, or I tossed it out in the trash when I ditched some computer towers about 8 months or so ago.
I really hope it's in the giant box of parts, I need those files.
Ack!

Ok, off to eat dinner and watch The Dark Knight  with the teens.
Later days!

When I got home today, I grabbed the mail and found a huge envelope from medicare.
I walked in the house, sat down, and tore it open to find a 15 page summary of every single medical test and xray, ctscan, and an item by item cost of my surgery and stay in the hospital.
I read through all 15 pages, checked out what was actually billed, what medicare is paying for, and what I may eventually be billed for.
It's frightening the amount I could end up paying every single doctor, nurse, and person who came in and cleaned my room.
Terrifying.
The image below is a picture I took of just one part of the bill, and only one part of the actual surgery.
The actual surgery bills are broken down into 8 different billing sections, it almost appears as though they billed by the hour and what they did during that hour.
This was section 3 of the surgery bill, and the total for just this one section comes to $32,850.00.
Yes, just one of the 8 billing sections is $32,850.00.
The total of my 9 day stay in the hospital comes to $579,750.00.
The total of what I may be billed comes to $225,500.00.

Holy. fucking. shit.

After a whole week of illness, this house is absolutely trashed.
There's stuff everywhere, it smells like sickness in here, I'm grossed out by my own home right now.
I really need to clean it.
I'm thinking that tomorrow, everyone is going to wake up at a reasonable hour, and start cleaning this entire house, every single room.
ALL of the dishes will be done, the bathroom scrubbed, bed linens washed, dried, put back on beds, floors swept, vac'd, and the hard floors mopped.
All the tables cleaned off, and maybe I'll even attempt to clean a little bit of the table of death.
It's so so bad, omg, it's terrible.
I'm completely disgusted.

This is me in my new Blogads t-shirt.
I've been a Blogads publisher and advertiser, for quite a few years now, and about a week or two ago, I filled out a publisher/advert survey, and so they sent me a free t-shirt.
Blogads is by invite only, and sorry, I have no more invites.
I gave them all out to a bunch of bloggers who said they were interested, understood it wasn't going to make them rich, (unless they are Perez, he makes quite a bit from his Blogads) and they all said they understood that it would take time to start building it up, before they made decent money from the ads.
I gave out all 10 invites, and out of the 10, only 1 (one) is still running her adblocks, and she's doing pretty decent from it too.
It kind of irritates me that the other 9 bloggers have wasted those invites, I could have given them to other bloggers who really would have appreciated the ability to have an adblock on their blogs that would make (eventually) them some decent recurring income with hardly any work involved on their parts, simply approve the sold ads when they got bought.
Oh well, it's their loss right?
But it still annoys me that I can't get any more invites because 9 people don't even use it, wasted them, and so I can't get more.
Maybe if I find another blogger who has patience, will leave the adblocks up, will join the hives, promote the hives on their ad pages, keep the blocks above the fold, I will risk it again and ask for another invite or two, but right now, no way.
But I am glad to see that at least the one blogger is making decent money every month from them and appreciates it, she sent me a thank you a few weeks ago after selling a huge paying ad campaign.
I'm very happy for her.

And in this pic, you can see me and my down-turned head from the spine/neck fusion.
That is as high as I can lift it.
Pretty sucky eh?
But yup, that's as far as it goes.
I know I look like total shit in the pic, and the bathroom mirror is way dirty, but we've all been sick the whole week so yeah, that's what I look like right now.

Most of my readers know that I had my neck fusion surgery on September 8th 2008, and have been healing as well as can be expected.
I will also be having a revision surgery in just a few months, because my head placement is all wrong.
My head is tilted and stuck downward, instead of straight ahead.
The surgery was supposed to prevent me from turning side to side, not up and down.
I can turn my head side to side no problem, but up and down is a no go.

But anyway, both of my teen sons have been battling a really nasty cold/virus since last week, and tonight I started getting it.
I'm coughing, sneezing, sniffly and runny nosing it since about 6pm today.
The sniffling, sneezing, and runny nose are not a huge issue, but coughing?
Holy hell it's painful.
Every cough makes my chest muscles, upper back and neck muscles, and head, move and twitch and spasm.
This is not fun at all, it's actually quite painful.
You know what else is really painful as well as super scary?
Throwing up.
Because of the way my head is tilted downward, my jaw cannot open as wide as it did before, and the neck opening is almost compressed like, so throwing up is a very painful and scary ordeal.
Sorry to be graphic, but this is a health blog right?

The rest is behind the cut, it is kind of graphic and sorta gross, so you have been warned.

Do you suffer from chronic pain and insomnia?
I'd really like to know just how many people are out there suffering day in and day out, like I do.

I have chronic pain from both of my spine surgeries, I take pain meds to help fight that off, and they work fairly well most of the time, but I can't sleep.
And the no sleeping things is 100 times worse if I don't take my pain meds.

I'd say I get roughly about 2-3 hours of sleep per night, and that's on a good night.
Most of the time I lay wide awake in my bed until the alarm goes off to wake the teens for school, or I am just sitting here at my computer all night waiting for the alarm to go off.
Then, I'm awake almost the entire day, sometimes I get tired enough around noon-ish to take a quick 1 hour nap, and that's it, that's all my body needs because once I wake from the nap, I feel completely refreshed again.

So what about you?
Do you suffer from both chronic pain and insomnia at the same time?
Please answer my poll to the right.
The poll has no end date, so anyone can answer whenever.

Thanks!

I'm officially in a depressing state of funk.
Is it a funk, or is it depression?
I think it's both really.
I have no motivation to do much of anything, my thoughts are all over the place, and I'm battling another horrible round of insomnia too.
I'm awake all night long, right up until I have to wake the teens for school, then I'm sleeping for 3, maybe 4 hours, and then still not doing anything, not doing what I need to be doing.

I have work to do but I can't seem to make myself do it.
When I finally do force myself to do it, it's not good, not good at all.
I needed to get a video done for my product review of that new grill I got, and it was already late due to the septic flooding issue we had here, and then I forced myself through the pain to make the video, I did do it, and then I played it back on my pc, and I was absolutely mortified by how I sounded in it.
My speech was slurred like I was drunk, but I wasn't drunk, I haven't had a drink in months, so it has to be the pain meds and muscle relaxers I'm taking.
It was bad, really bad, and that made me feel even worse than I was feeling before.
I deleted it and bought the ingredients to do it again, but because of how I'm feeling, the pain, the depression, I haven't done it again yet.
I AM going to do it tomorrow.
I WILL do it tomorrow.
I have to because I made a promise, and I always keep my word, I just need to not take any of my meds before doing it this time because I don't want to sound like a drunken idiot again.

I also need to get these sporadic migraines under control too.
It seems that every other day now, I'm getting a migraine that knocks me out of commission for a few hours. I have to go lay down in my pitch black room and just wait it out.
I curl up as much as my stupid body will curl up, and clutch my blanket until it passes.
I'm really trying to move out of this funk, to get past this depression over how my body is, how little I'm capable of doing anymore, but when I try to talk myself into feeling better, it doesn't work.
There's so much I can't do anymore, it bothers me so much, I have to walk with a cane now because my head is looking down and I end up losing my balance because I can't properly see in front of me.
I hate this.
I hate how this is, and I hate that I have to have another surgery again, and I hate being miserable inside.
I fake it every single day, I put on a big fake smile for my sons, I put it on for friends and family, it's a big fake smile because everyone else thinks I'm doing just great, that I'm recovering just fine, and physically, yeah, I suppose I am recovering just fine, but mentally?
Fuck no, no, I'm not.
I'm not happy.
I'm not ok with all of this, I'm not ok with the amount of medications, I'm not ok with the pain without taking them, I'm not ok with my body the way it is, and yes, I know, there are people who have it so much worse, I should stop feeling sorry myself, but dammit, none of this is ok.
I'm told it will all be ok, but when?
When is it going to be better, because it's been years now since I've even felt halfway human.
And how am I supposed to feel human with all this hardware inside me?
I know how my body moves, or how little it moves I should say, and it's not human type movements, it's stiff and sore, planned, careful movements so I don't get hurt, so I don't hurt myself.
People look at me like I'm some sort of freak, they stare at me when I go to the store, and I'm so tired of being stared at because of this damn body.
 Before the first spine fusion, they stared at me because of the huge hump on my back, then they stared at me because of the huge back brace, now they stare at me because of the neck brace and the cane, and the way my head looks down.
I'm tired of people asking me what happened too.
They always think it was some sort of accident, and I'm tired of saying no, I had scoliosis, and they don't know what that is so I have to explain, and they still don't get it.
It all makes me want to just stay in the house and not go out anywhere again unless I absoluely have to, and until the next surgery to fix my head is done and I'm fully recovered.
I'm tired, just so tired of it all.

I was digging around in my phone's pictures, and I found this pic I took of myself in the hospital.
That's the first brace I had right after surgery.
It was so uncomfortable and painful to wear, even though I was laying in bed the whole time with a pain pump.
And it smelled funny.
Not funny good, but funny gross.
I actually got nauseous a few times when I caught a whiff of it.
The nurses would come in and give me a bath with this awesome smelling body wash, and my whole body would smell really nice, and then just like 5 minutes later, I'd catch a whiff of the brace, either the plastic parts of it or the padding parts, but something on that brace just really stunk badly.
So between how it smelled and how painful it was on my chest, they switched me to another type of brace.

You can see how swollen my face was too.
My left eye was swollen and black and blue underneath, my left cheek was swollen, my top lip was swollen, basically, my whole face and neck were swollen up.
I also had that bandage on the side of my head from the bolt holes where they bolted me to the table for the surgery.

Just thinking about having to go through that again makes me kind of ill. 

I feel like crap still.
The last few days have just been miserable for me.
On top of my neck surgical issues, I have a cold that is making me just absolutely miserable.
I have just been laying on the couch curled up in my blanket, sipping on some juice, eating yogurts and jello, just trying to stay hydrated, and trying to keep some food in me to help me get over this.

I really can't wait to start feeling better so I can go and do the things I need to do.
I really would like to be able to go grocery shopping so I can get more food in the house that the teens can cook easily.
I also need to go get a pedicure in a bad way.
My toes are in dire need of rescue.
I also would like to go and get started on the DNA testing that I need to have done which will help the doctors be able to better help me.
If I can get an accurate diagnosis for either Townes-Brock syndrome or Riley Day syndrome, my doctors would be able to get me on the correct medications to help me feel better at least.
If they know for sure what is wrong with me, they will be able to help me.
I'm so tired of being sick.
I've spent years and years being in pain, getting sick constantly, having blood pressure issues, swallowing issues sometimes even with just liquids, the way my toes are formed, the issues with my back, my arthritis etc etc etc.

I just want to finally start feeling better, feeling normal.
Spending all of this time being sick or in pain or whatever, has just sucked.
At times I get severely depressed over it all.
Like this morning, I was just laying in my bed just bawling my eyes out over all of this.
I hate my life right now.
I hate all of this crap, I feel like a complete loser because I can't do anything anymore.
I can't cook much, I can't clean much, I can't do hardly anything, and I'm so freaking over it all.
I'm supposed to tell my doctors when and if I start getting depressed so they can help me.
I don't want to take an anti-depressant, I know that's what they would do.
They would put me on another med to alter my moods and I don't want that.
What i want is my life back.
Hell, I just want a life that sorta resembles what I had 8+ years ago.
I want to be happy, to go out with friends, to be able to play and have fun, live.
I just want to be ok.

It's official, I have a cold.
I knew I was coming down with something yesterday after sneezing for like 20 minutes straight.
I have spent the whole day today laying on the couch and wrapped up in blankets and just resting.
I came out and laid on the couch before the teens left for school, and Sebastian covered me up in his big comforter, fluffed his pillows behind my head, and gave me his baby blanket and his Sully to sleep with all day.
It looked as though I was sleeping with all kinds of baby bedding.
It was wicked comfy too.
It really did look and feel like I was swaddled up like a baby.
Kali and Shahiro kitties slept with me almost all day, they love it when I lay on the couch with all kinds of blankets.

I hate having a cold or whatever.
It sucks.
My body already aches so much from surgery, to get a cold on top of that is just plain miserable.
The teens are going to go to the store and get some more juice, yogurt, pudding, and jellos for me to eat while they are at school.
They also need to pick up some regular Tylenol for their use.
Sebastian has had some small headaches for the last few days, and we ran out, so they need to pick up some more.

My old duplex neighbor stopped by a little bit ago, to see how I was doing.
She had just come from her doctor's appointment and getting her scripts filled at the Walgreen's by my house, so she was close enough to stop by and see me.
She said she really misses me, to call her if I need anything at all like giving the teens a ride to the store, or whatever I need.
She said I looked like crap.
It's not an insult, I really do look like crap today.
My skin is pale and clammy, my hair is a mess, I have huge bags and dark circles under my eyes, just miserable looking and feeling.

I hate how screwed up my immune system is, I catch everything, and flu season is coming yet I can't have a flu shot because it could make me sick because of my low immune system.
I'll probably catch it this year.
That will suck big time.

I liked the little cityscape scene that came with this MT theme, but it didn't really fit my blog's name.
I finally got around to making a new header, one that fits the name KatScan.
It's xrays and pictures of all of the spine surgeries I've been through over the years.
My spine fusion from February 2006, and my neck fusion from September 2008.

These surgeries have been such a major part of my life for the last 8+ years now, and I'm still not done.
In about 6 months I get to go have a revision surgery on my neck to fix my head placement, and then I'll be permanently fixed looking straight ahead.
I don't really want another surgery, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking down either.
I've got a life to live when this is all over, I'm moving forward, I want to look that way.
Face whatever the future brings my way.

I'm finally starting to get my bearings around here after a month out from the surgery.
I'm slowly starting to do some cleaning and cooking, not much, I get tired and sore rather quickly, but I am at least making dinner every other day, to every 2 days, which the teens are quite happy about.
They've been eating a lot of take out, frozen nuke 'em foods, subs from Publix, lunch meat and tuna sandwiches etc etc.
They were getting quite tired of it, so I made my first meal the other night.
I made some shrimp and french fries, and only needed help getting the cookie sheet in and out of the oven, because I'm still not allowed to bend over, pick up, too much.

I think on Saturday, Chris, Mindy's husband, is coming over to finish the AC unit stuff.
He's going to remove the old rotted drywall from the old AC unit dripping water so much, and I think her son Jeff is coming to help, and install new drywall.
That's good, because as helpful as Mark is, he's never done drywall before and wouldn't really be much help at all.
We can paint later on.
My sis was planning on bringing some paints at some point, and painting the living room for me. She had some colors left over from when she painted her new house.
So things are getting on, I'm doing better slowly, and hopefully it will just keep getting easier and less painful to do stuff around here.
I hate not being able to do stuff.
I'm such an independent person, so to not do stuff is driving me crazy.
I hate "resting".

I think I've said the word overwhelmed at least a dozen times this past week, because it really has been overwhelming.
And amazing.
And humbling.

This year, for the 7th annual blogger boobie-thon, instead of being able to volunteer my time doing some photo editing due to my neck and spine fusion surgery, I was instead the blogger chosen for the bloggers helping bloggers portion of the donations raised.
That amount is $359, and I was extremely greatful when the paypal donations reached that amount, blown away.
But the donations just kept coming and coming, and coming, all week long, right up until the very end of the boobie-thon, with the last one coming in at 11:52pm EST on October 7th 2008.
I sat here all week, in like a state of shock, watching how much was being raised for the boobie-thon and for myself.
I stopped keeping track of the donations for me around Friday mid-afternoon, I just couldn't keep up with them.

The boobie-thon is now over, and they raised an incredible amount!
$9,300.00 this year, it exceeds the amount raised last year, and breaks the record set in 2006 .
That's absolutely awesome!
What started out as a way to get a friend a plane ticket to not have to spend a holiday alone , has grown into an annual event that has now raised over $50,000 since 2002.
The event grows bigger and better every year, with more people volunteering their time to edit photos, calculate donations, publish both to the site, and even more people are sending in their pictures, and more and more people are donating money, and even more people are spreading the word about this wicked fun and great cause.

I have always loved being a part of it, volunteering my time, and when I found out back on August 5th that my surgery was going to prevent me from doing it again this year, I was seriously bummed out.
I always have such a good time editing the photos, chatting with the other volunteers, spreading the word on blogs and forums, and just being a part of something so cool and fun to do, that is helping to raise money to find a cure for breast cancer.
Some people walk, companies sell pink products, other people collect pink lids, and "we" all show our breasts, male and female, to raise some money.

Over $50,000 since 2002.
Who would have thought.

And I am still sitting here completely overwhelmed (there I go again, but I just don't have the words to say it another way) and blown away by the incredible outpouring of support, kindness, and generosity shown to me.
My fellow bloggers, total strangers, (and hopefully new friends) donated money to me this week when I needed it.
I had my surgery on September 8th, and a month later, October 8th, a whole month without being able to work doing product reviews and writing articles on my blog, a whole month without making an income, and people so generously donated money to me to help me pay my bills.
The amount is more than enough to pay my rent and bills both this month and next month.
I finally totaled all of the donations up at the end of the boobie-thon.
$1,495.52.
Amazing, thank you.

I tried to send a personal email of thanks to every one of my donors, I checked and double checked to make sure I didn't miss anyone, and quite a few people replied to me offering words of support and encouragement while I am recovering.
I was humbled by a few of the replies I received, and truly humbled by one reply from someone only known to me by the name of The Butterfly Temptress.
Just when you think you have things rough, there's someone else out there who has it worse than you do.
Her donation was generous, and I sent her an email to say thank you, and she replied with these words;

"I am dying of an inoperable brain tumor. Knowing that you are able to be treated is music to my ears. I was so glad to be able to donate money for a person who knows what it's like to be sick, not some man in a suit who makes a half a million a year."

How quickly life comes into focus.
How quickly I realized how good I have it, I get to live.
I received a few more email replies that humbled me even more, I cannot even tell you the amount of times I sat here and cried this week.
I cried for myself, I cried for others, I cried because this past week has been an experience.
It has been a true experience of people helping people, coming together for a good cause and helping someone else out along the way.
People really are good and kind, and they do good just for the sake of doing it, not for any reward, but just because helping your fellow human being is reward enough.
Heck, I'm sitting here crying right now because this really has been an amazing and humbling experience for me.
I always try to do right by my fellow human beings, I try to help others when I can, it's not always money, but I try to give of myself, of my time, because I enjoy it, I like knowing that I helped someone with whatever it was they needed help with.
Sometimes I get so discouraged by the greed and hatred in the world, and then I read a story of someone helping someone else, and it restores my faith in people again.
This week has been one of those restoring moments for me.
Everyone who donated to the boobie-thon and me, people who sent me get well cards, a friend and her husband doing some home repairs that I can't do right now, it's been an incredible few weeks for me.
I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life.

I think I've wept and rambled here long enough, I really just wanted to say thank you to everyone, and my emotions got all weepy, and well, this is what happens when I get weepy.
I run and ramble on. 
Thank you to everyone.

I just got back from my post-op appointment with my surgeon, I'm tired, in serious need of a nap, but wanted to let everyone know how it all went.

I had a series of xrays to see how the new fusion is holding, and it's looking good.
None of the titanium has moved, it's all in place where it's supposed to be, and he says it's doing good.
There will be a revision surgery, probably in about 6 months.
My head is still 20degrees off from being at the right place, meaning, my line of sight is 20degrees down instead of looking straight ahead.
So I'll be having another surgery, where he'll remove a vertebrae, and then install some more hardware which will place my head dead center, and no more movement will ever be possible again.
I have very limited movement right now, no left or right, some down, no up.
After the revision surgery, I will have no movement at all.
That's totally ok with me.
This neck surgery saved my life.
My vertebrae were pinching off my spinal cord, compressing it, I would have died.
Not being able to ever move my head in any direction ever again, is ok with me.
I've accepted all of this, I'm ok with it, so another surgery to set my head placement correctly so that I can look at people's faces and not their chests, is so totally ok with me.
We need to wait the 6 months so that this fusion can heal up a bit, too much trauma all at once is a very bad thing, so we'll wait and do the correction when I've healed up enough.

He's given me permission to sit a little bit longer, I can sit 1 hour, lay down 1 hour, for the next week, and then after that, he told me to do what feels best for me, to not over do anything.
If I feel tired, go lay down and rest, if I have energy, go ahead and sit for awhile.
This is good news for me.
I can now take on some more work, not as much as I was doing before surgery, but I can take on a bit more and that's awesome.

So now it's time to gross you out with some pictures of the stitches coming out.
As I posted this morning, the boys both stayed home sick from school, and Sebastian went with me.
He played the role of the documentary photographer, and got some pretty decent shots of my stitches coming out.
Ready?
These are all clickable for bigger if that's your thing.

Here's the beginning of my stitches coming out.
You can see part of my scar from my spine fusion that I had in February 2006.






















It kind of looks like a zipper.





















That screwed up haircut, is NOT what my sister did, that's the shaving and the cutting that the surgeons did before doing this fusion surgery.
Lovely isn't it?
Super short on one side, long on the other.
They need to keep their day jobs as surgeons.
Hair stylists they are not.
And yes, the stitches do go up into my hairline.
There are 3 more stitches up in my hair that you cannot see.
The stitches in my neck and hair line, hurt like crazy coming out.
I don't know why, but they stung a bit, and 4 times he had to stop while I caught my breath from having them tug at my skin so much.





















All in all, I'm doing ok.
I have some pain which is normal, I have some depression which is also normal.
Both of those things will go away in time, losing mobility isn't an easy thing at all, especially a single mom who's used to doing everything by themselves, for themselves.
Losing the ability to move, to look at things, to have some major down time, is not at all easy to accept, but you start getting used to it, you start accepting it, slowly.
And that's where I'm at.
I'm accepting all of this slowly, I'm dealing with it as best I can.
I know that this surgery saved my life, but at the same time I'm very sad for what I've lost.

But even though the road ahead is still going to be a bumpy one, I have another surgery to face in my future, I'm ok.
I can work for now, I can start being a little more productive, start doing more at home without over doing it, and start getting some of my life back.
I know that in 6 months or so, I'll be right back here recovering from another surgery, but that's ok, it really is.
I'm alive, I'm still here to watch my sons grow up, to laugh and play with them, to be here, and that's what is the most important.

I need to get my butt in gear, I am leaving at 11am to go get my stitches out.
All the way to Safety Harbor.
Ugh.
Such a long, long drive.
Mindy is taking me, my sis is sick with some nasty cold thing and strep throat.
And both my boys are home from school sick too.
They both have stuffy heads, headaches, just feeling miserable.
I really hope that they don't have what she has, I can't even imagine having strep with my neck like this.
Yuck.

I've been so overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from the boobiethon donors.
It's been absolutely incredible, I am just so so greatful, thank you all so much!
I was surprised and greatful to just get the first $359, but it's now over $1,000.
Absolutely amazing and so needed.
I still don't have the ok to be working again, I'm hoping to get that today at my appointment, but if not, I know that I will be able to pay all of my bills thanks to all of the people who have donated to me in support of the boobiethon.
I can't wait to be able to volunteer again next year, it's such a good cause and it's something that I just love doing.

In some of my bored downtime, I have been playing on Twittermoms.
I started a new group, I was feeling "alone", so if you're on Twitter, and on Twittermoms, and an atheist, agnostic, or just not sure, come join my small group for Atheist Moms.
It's small but growing.

Ok, time to go get dressed so I can get these itchy stitches out.
Later days!

The nurse was here this morning, a different nurse than the ones who have been here before, and she didn't like the way that we've been changing out bandages.
She wanted to do it a different way, so she had me lay on the end of my bed, face down.
This was not good.
Within minutes, it felt like my throat was being squished, my vocal cords felt tight and compressed, and I literally couldn't breathe.
I had to roll over and she was like "what are you doing?!"
I told her that I've not laid on my stomach before, I don't sleep that way, and I've never laid on my stomach to have the bandages changed, and I couldn't breathe, it was hurting me quite badly.
She was "oh, I'm sorry."
I told her to note that in my chart, no face-down bandage changes ever again.
I was actually kind of scared at how quickly I couldn't breathe, at how much it hurt.
She finished up with me on my side, and she left.
She didn't know anything about why she was changing my bandages, like she didn't read my chart.
It says why they are doing this in my chart, I shouldn't have to explain the whole 2006 spine fusion and the new fusion to the nurses when they get here, they should read my chart, know what's going on, and be prepared for what my back looks like before they get started.

After she left, Mark woke up and headed into the bathroom.
I was in the kitchen when he walked past me, and I had to do a double take.
He had his whole face covered in stuff, like one of my face masks.
I asked him what that was for, and he told me he's started putting on a face mask at night because it helps to clear up his acne .
I was like, oookaaay, and I giggled a wee little bit, and he told me not to laugh, he said it really works, his face always looks really good in the morning when he does it.
Old zits are dried up, and no new zits have formed over night.

Hey, whatever works right?

I took a shower just now, I really needed to get in there and get myself clean after sweating so much over the last 2 days.
After I got myself all clean, as much as I can anyway without getting the stitches wet, I decided to make an attempt at shaving off the monster leg hairs.
I was already seated on my old lady shower chair, I lathered up my right leg with shaving cream, and tried to start shaving at the ankle and work my way up like normal.
I couldn't do it.
I tried again.
Nope, absolutely no flexibility to bend and reach that low on my leg.

This surgery, this spine fusion, because it's connected to the titanium rods that I had placed in there in 2006 at the shoulder level, seems to make me unable to reach below mid calf level.
I cannot go any further.
Before this neck fusion, I had a small bit of trouble shaving my legs and putting shoes on, tying laces and stuff like that, but I could do it, it just took a little longer.
But now I can't bend over far enough to reach below my calves.
I wasn't expecting that.
I knew I wouldn't be able to turn my head much anymore, looking left and right would be gone, looking up at the sky, but not being able to fully bend over and reach my ankles?
Nope, I didn't expect it.

But my legs were in dire need of shaving, so I wrapped one of my towels around my body and called Sebastian to come in.
I showed him what to do on a part of my leg I could reach, and then handed him the razor and told him to go for it, be gentle, but shave away.
He did a really good job and he didn't mind helping me.
He said he was sorry that I couldn't do this anymore, that he felt bad that I can't do some stuff anymore.
Then he got a bit quiet so I asked him what he was thinking.
He said that he knows this sucks for me not being able to do stuff anymore, but how glad he is that I'm alive, that knowing that without this surgery I would have died, so not being able to do stuff isn't really that important, but he understands how it makes me feel.
He said it's kind of selfish of him to be so happy that I'm still here when he knows how sad it makes me that I can't do things anymore, and he's sorry about that.

Yes it does bother me that I've lost a lot of mobility, that there are things I can't do anymore, things I don't even know I can't do anymore, but it's ok, I'm dealing with it.
I'm sure I'll have some mini-meltdowns as I discover more things I can't do, but I have my little fit, I cry, I yell, and then I get over it.
Being pissed about it won't change it, nothing will change it, so all I can do is take note of the things I can't do, have myself a good cry, and then keep on going.
It's just the way it's going to be from here on out.
Get knocked down, get back up, keep on going.

I went and got my newest brace, and I'll talk about that in a minute.
But right now, I want to talk about the economic crisis that our country is dealing with.
Every Friday, Oprah's show is on live, and today she had a money expert whose name escapes me right now, Ally something, (bald guy, handsome, well dressed) and Suze Orman came on after his segment.
Both of these money experts told it like it is and to also not panic, to leave your money in the bank, it's going to be ok.
Suze Orman talked about ways to save money, what types of things to invest in like treasury bonds, and she named a very specific type of futures trading and the safest places to invest your money in so that when this crisis is over, you will be ok.

The whole reason all of us are in this situation, is because people who couldn't afford to buy a home, were told they could by banks who loaned them that money.
They spent more than they had, they tried to live beyond their means, they wanted the American dream, and sorry, not everyone can afford to live that dream.
I know I can't and probably never will.

I know that I'm feeling the crunch of this crisis when it comes to buying groceries.
The price of everything has been steadily on the rise for months now, and so buying food for 2 growing young men has been a huge challenge for me.
I don't want the teens to eat peanut butter and jelly and Ramen noodles until it's coming out of their ears, but I can't afford to feed them all the super expensive cuts of beef either.
Right now with me being unable to do any cooking, they are eating easy foods, microwave crap, lots of sliced deli meat sandwiches, stuff like that.
I have a feeling that things are going to get even harder for me and all of you as well.
It's going to get much much worse before it will start getting better.
This is a very difficult period of time we're all living in, and I'm trying so hard not to panic like both Ally and Suze said, but I can't help myself.
I already live at the bottom of the financial totem pole, I live well below the poverty level receiving SSDI and making a small amount through blogging every month.
I follow the income earnings guidelines set forth by SSDI but man, how I wish I wasn't disabled, how I wish I could work a real job again.
This whole crisis has me scared that things are going to get worse for me and all of us, this whole thing really sucks.

Anyway, Mindy took me down to the local Hanger office to get my new brace.
They ended up fitting me with a pediatric size 5 chin brace.
It fits the back part of my old brace, but the new front part is a pediatric size chin brace.
That should tell you how small my neck is. Ha!

It does fit better, it holds my head up nice and straight, but because of it's tiny size, my cheeks get squished up pretty bad.
I look like I'm making a kissy-fish-face all the time now.
I really hope my face doesn't "keep" that shape when the 3 months is over, that would really suck.
But it does it's job, what it's supposed to, so I'll deal with it.

The brace company, Hanger Prosthetic and Orthotics, called me a little bit ago.
The girl on the phone said they received the order from my surgeon and have been trying to figure out what type of brace will fit and work best for me.
I have a short neck, so they may actually have to make a custom one for me.
The regular adult size is too big for me, and the child/young adult size is too small, so it may come down to making a custom fit neck brace for me.

It's important that I have one that fits correctly because I have to wear it for 3 months, possibly longer, for 24 hours a day.
I am allowed to take it off for one hour per day and just lay perfectly flat in my bed for that hour, and allow my skin to breathe and my neck muscles to relax.
I've been doing that every single day because it feels so good to let air touch my skin, to not be confined and hot.
I go in and grab my Sandisk mp3 player, lay down and take off the brace, and just listen to music for that whole hour.
It's nice and relaxing, comfortable.

I even have to wear the brace while taking a shower.
The braces come with changeable padding, so when the brace gets wet in the shower, I can change out the wet pads and put in the clean and dry ones, and then lay the wet ones flat to dry.

I really wish it was "winter" here because it is so hot, and wearing a brace is like wearing a turtleneck in the middle of summer.
It's hot.
The braces have all of that padding which makes it even hotter, and I just sweat and sweat while wearing it.
It really is like wearing a big turtleneck sweater in the summer.
So I'm hopeful that the new brace is lighter somehow, not so stuffy and hot feeling, but I'm sure it won't be though.
It's job is to hold the neck in position, and the padding is to make sure the skin isn't right up against the hard plastic of the contraption.
It's kind of miserable wearing a neck brace, you don't realize how much you move your head and neck every day until you can't do it anymore.
I'm dealing with it all though, getting used to it I guess you could say.

Anyway, I'm hopeful that tomorrow they will have a brace that actually fits the way it's supposed to, or can custom make one that will fit right.
I want to heal up the right way with my head straight, not looking down, and the braces I have are too big so my neck is straining to hold me in place, and because it doesn't fit right, my head ends up falling down and that is so not the way I want to permanently heal up.

I'm having a day here.
I'm on some hefty restrictions, no lifting anything at all, no doing laundry or cleaning or cooking anything that would make me have to bend over etc, but I have stuff that needs to be done and well, it isn't getting done.
And then there's the sitting/laying down restriction.
I am allowed to sit for 20 minutes every 4 hours and then lay down again.
It's boring and the tv is on a low stand, so it's hard to entertain myself with movies or tv shows. What I need is one of those tv lifts things on a remote, so I can get it to the perfect height for me while I lay on the couch.

And I'm feeling overwhelmed by the generosity of the people who are donating money to me for the boobiethon.
I still feel bad about not being able to donate my time this year, it's just something I've done that makes me feel good, and to not be able to do it this year is making me feel bad.
I can't help it, I just feel bad that I can't help this year.
But next year, I'll be right on it, back editing photos every day and helping spread the word as much as I can.
I usually also send in my photo every year, and I can't do that this year either.
I have a stitch line under my right breast from the chest tube I had to have, and I'm still covered in the sticky stuff from all of the tape and heart monitor things, all over my whole upper body.
Basically, my chest looks like crap and I'm not comfortable sending in a pic like that.
I'm not super vain, but I don't think anyone would want to see all that tape and the stitches with a big nasty scab on it too.
I can't send in a covered pic either.
I haven't been able to put a bra on since the day I went in for surgery, September 8th.
It hurts to even put on a clean t-shirt, and I did try to put a bra on, but it was a total no go, total wicked bad pain shot through my upper back and shoulders.

Anyway, I wanted to hop on here and say thank you to everyone who is donating money to me and the boobiethon, you're doing an awesome thing, and if you haven't donated yet, do it.
Save the boobies!

My stitches are itching like crazy, it's driving me absolutely freaking crazy!
I'm not scratching them though, I'm gently massaging them about every 10-15 minutes, gently rubbing the skin around them, trying to make the itchies go away but it's not really helping.
It would be awesome if I could use some anti-itch creme or something on them to take the edge off.
It's insane how badly they itch.

My surgical follow up appointment is on October 7th, that's when they are going to take them out.
That's a wicked long time to have stitches in.
The standard length of time is 14 days or you run the risk of skin growing over the threads and making it very difficult to take them out.
Difficult as in wicked bad awful painful.
Not looking forward to that because mine have now been in since the 8th, that's 21 days.
It will be 29 days when they finally come out, that's way too long.
The nurses who are coming here every other day now to take vitals and change the bandages, keep telling me that I need to get these stitches out, and I keep telling them when my appointment is, but they keep saying that's too long, it's going to be hard to get them all out.

What am I supposed to do about that?!
I've called my doc, I have an appointment, I have told them about the nurses opinions on the stitches, there's not much else I can do.

It's been 21 days since the surgery, and I'm still bruised up.
My arms are a disgusting shade of green and yellow mixed with some blue and purple.
I still have needle marks and surgical tape stuff on my arms too.

*Edited at 1:30am to add a new picture.*
Sebastian helped me a bit ago with the itch problem, he took off the bandage and was going to just gently rub along the sides of the scar/stitch line and wipe it down with a baby wipe to get it a little clean for me because the whole length of it itches wicked way bad, and that's when we figured out why it is itching so much.
It's all healed up, there are no open areas at all, but where the stitches are, there are some small scabs.
No, he did not pick them off, he simply wiped them off with a baby wipe and a skin prep wipe one of the nurses left here.
A few of the nurses have left the basic wound care supplies in the little hospital tub/bin that all patients take home.
It usually has the standard stuff like toothpaste, a toothbrush, baby powder, lotion, and the hospital body wash stuff.
I'm sure those of you who have ever been in the hospital for a stay, or had a family member in for a stay, know what little tub/bin thing I'm talking about.
They are usually pink no matter what hospital you go to, pink tub/bins full of body care supplies to make your stay in the hospital easier.

Anyway, all of those scabs are the reason it itches.
They are all healed and dried up, but just sitting on my skin, so he took a baby wipe and just wiped them all off.
It felt sooooo good, OMG, it felt awesome.
Then he took one of the skin prep wipes and wiped the whole suture line and the sides of the line, all over, and then put the bandage back on and taped it down really good.
It's looking really good, no open areas, no infection spots, all healed up.
I can't see my own back, so I had him take a picture of it for me.
You can click it for bigger if you want, unless of course stuff like this grosses you out, but I promise there's no blood, no puss, nothing disgusting at all.

I'm sooo glad I had Sebastian* do that, it doesn't itch anymore at all.
Yay!




















Sebastian was not awake until 1:30am. He went to bed at a little before midnight because he was helping me clean off the itchies.
I'd say right after I originally made this post is when I asked him to do it for me.
The original plan was to just wipe my back down with a baby wipe, to just get it a little clean, (can't get my back wet till the stitches come out) and that's when he saw all the little scabs and when he started wiping, they just started falling off.

The home nurse was already here at like 9am, and Mindy and her husband are coming over to fix the ac unit today, and my sister will be coming over around dinner time to fix my hair for me.
I'm exhausted already.
I'm just so tired all of the time right now.
Recovering from surgery takes a lot out of you.

You know what sucks though?
I can't lay on my sides at night.
It hurts my neck wicked bad to even try to roll over, but laying on my back all of the time hurts too.
It hurts my back.
I really hope it doesn't stay like that forever, it would suck big time to never be able to lay in any other position than on my back.

Oh yeah, my legs need shaving too.
They are like super monster hairy but I can't shave them.
I can't lean forward long enough to do them, it hurts my neck wicked fierce.
Oh well.

I went in and sat on my old lady shower chair, and took a half assed shower.
I cannot get my sutures wet, so I can't wash my hair.
What am I saying?!
I can't wash my hair anyway, it's far too painful to even try to lift and hold my arms up to even try to wash my hair, plus, if I do manage to get it washed and conditioned, I can't brush out all the knots and stuff.
It would take me all damn night and I still wouldn't be able to do it, the teens can't do it, they'd hurt me, so fuck it, I will wait for either nurse Lisa to come back and help me like she said she would, or for my sister to have some time to help me.
But each day that passes that my hair isn't getting taken care of, it gets worse and worse.
I'm going to end up having to get it all cut off because of the mats.
That sucks.
Nurse Lisa said when she gets me on her schedule again, (right now I have Greg) she will schedule me for a min of 2 hours, and she'll help me shower, wash and condition my hair, and then she'll slowly comb it all out using a detangler, and then french braid it so it can't get all matted like this again.

After I showered, I put on clean undies, clean shorts, and my new Obama shirt.
Yup, I'm voting for Obama.
What's happened over the last few days really clinched it for me.
McCain suspending his campaign, wanting to postpone the debates, all over this money crisis is just bullshit in my opinion.
Never has the democratic process been put on hold because of some sort of crisis, never.
 The people deserve the debates, and we also deserve to see Palin interviewed by the media, more than just rah rah cheerleader Katie Couric whom I despise anyway.
Reporters allowed to photograph her only, not allowed to be there while she met the leaders of other countries, only to take her pic, not film those meetings, is crap.
And I do love how most of them were all oooh and ahhh over how "pretty" she is.
Look, she's running to be VP, not a beauty queen pageant winner.

Anyway, I thought I'd try and take a pic of one of the bolt holes in my head.
I took this myself, that's an accomplishment I tell ya.
I can't even frigging eat well but I did manage a picture...LOL

And yes, the sides of my head were shaved, hairs cut super short, in order to bolt me to the table.
Believe me, I know how absolutely ridiculous the hair on the sides looks right now.
Man, if you could see the rest of my hair, you'd be all WTF?
It's awful.

I am one of those people that wants to hurry up and go.
You know what I mean?
I want to be recovered and now, I want my life back.
I've been saying that for like 7 years now, and it hasn't happened yet.
Frustrating.
I'm tired of this neck brace already, I'm tired of sweating to death in it, I'm tired of feeling like my head weighs a million pounds.
If I sit up, my head falls forward, and if I lay down, it is in the right place, but dammit, I'm tired of laying down!
I kinda wish I had never thrown out the old junky recliner I had, because then I'd at least be sitting up, but my head would be laid back and resting.
It was a piece of crap though, it had to go.

The nurse came today, he did my neuro checks which I pass every single time, I'm not showing any signs of wires and stuff not firing like they are supposed to, so that's good.
We're down to changing the bandages every other day now, and the stitches all look good.
No draining, no redness, healing really nicely.

I'm still waiting on the brace people to call me about a new brace, there just has to be something better fitting than the braces I have right now, there has to be.
The nurse has a call in to Cindy, my surgeon's nurse, he just has some questions for her about my stuff. He says it's not bad stuff, just some questions.

Anyway, I'm just really bored and antsy, and tired.
I'm sleeping a lot. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it passes the time ya know?
Later days.

You have no idea how hard it is to just lay down and relax, to stay relaxed.
I'm a single mom, there's things that I should be doing like laundry, dishes, cooking meals, and I simply can't.
I spend all my time either on my couch watching the tube or trying to be on line answering emails.
I can't sit here long though, like 20 minutes tops, and then I have to go lay down for hours.
It really kinda sucks.

But I did talk to my doctor's nurse, Cindy, today about the brace, they are calling the brace people to see about getting a custom fit brace for me because of how short my neck is, and because the ones they make simply are far too big for me.
It will be really nice to have a brace that fits.

Not much else is going on, nothing can be, so back to the couch I go.
Gossip Girl is on.
Later days.

I'm still chugging along trying to get through this first week at home, I have to keep telling myself to just relax, that the first week is always so so  hard, that it really is the worst, so I don't try and over do things.
A lot of just laying down and sleeping.

Mindy was here almost all day long, she did a really great job cleaning my house, it looks wicked nice and clean in here, the teens better keep it this way. LOL
Then she went home and came back with some big huge pans of food.
Her husband Chris made dinner for us, some chicken alfredo, bread sticks, and salad.
It was all so yummy.
He used to work at the Olive Garden, it's their alfredo recipe, so yeah, it's super yummy.
When Chris was here this morning, he took a look at my AC unit, and he's going to come back and fix it for me next weekend.
Box it in to the right size for the AC, clean it up, get it working right again.
It's simply not blowing as cold as it used to, it's not sitting in the housing correctly, and the leaking is because of all of those things plus all box units leak when it gets super humid.
So it will be wicked nice to have it fixed and cool in the house again.

I have a ton of emails and comments in my inbox that I just don't know when I'll be able to get to, if I'll be able to get to them at all, but I wanted you to all know that I have read them and appreciate all of the support and words of encouragement, it's really appreciated.

I did spend the majority of the day laying down and resting, I even slept for awhile, and that is my plan of attack.
My face is still wicked swollen up which makes me feel weird and stuff.
I know the swelling will go down, it's just a matter of time.
For now though, I feel like I either got beat with a baseball bat, or I am a balloon.
People keep telling me it doesn't look so bad, but I've seen my face in the mirror, I know what it looks like.
Doc said it will be ok, it will heal up, but for awhile it's gonna look like total crap.

Ok, time to get back to my couch, watch a little Law and Order repeats and stuff.
Later days. 

Here's my new neck fusion, it goes all the way up, almost touches my skull bone.
Pretty wild eh?
I took this yesterday using my cellphone while at the surgeon's office.
I went in because I'm having a concern with how my head is positioned, instead of looking up and facing straight ahead, I'm looking down.
It may be super tight and stiff muscles, which is what I believe it is, or it could be that the last joint isn't strong enough to hold my head up.
I also believe that my brace is causing the extreme muscle stiffness.

I experimented on the way home, reclining the seat all the way back, seat belt on, and brace off, and just relaxed the entire way home home.
Mindy and I just chatted about movies, hot guys, hot chicks in movies, (neither of us think there's anything even remotely attractive about Angelina Jolie. Nada.) and just chilled all the way home.
By the time we got here, my muscles had relaxed, totally, I was able to put my head up.
I then put my brace back on to to be safe and walk back in the house.
In the less than 2 minutes it took, my neck had pinched and tightened back up, squishing my head down again.
It seems obvious to me that the brace is all wrong, causing my muscles to become hyper-reflexive, and then lock in position.
So, I'm leaving off the super hard, too-big-for-me-brace, and I'm going to call Walgreen's and see if they have any of the soft padded neck braces, just to wear for support.
But it's so super obvious to me that the current hard plastic brace is causing my muscles to tighten up and lock, so I'm going to use a soft brace for support, and just do a ton of relaxing. Me and my couch and movie collection, will be best of friends for the next few months.
I'm determined to let my muscles just relax and heal nicely, not fighting to stay in a brace that's too big for my neck.
The brace guys even said to me in the hospital, "you short neck people always give us a hard time."  So I have a short neck, they don't make smaller braces, so my muscles are straining to fit in a brace that doesn't fit me.
Not any more.
I'm going to do what feels right to do, use a soft brace for support and relax non-stop.

And speaking of Mindy, she's being so super awesome, not only driving me to my doc appointments and stuff, but she's really helping me by cleaning my house.
It's gotten totally away from me over the last few months with all the shoulder pain that started in May and kept up all summer, being put on restrictions, and now the surgery that has even bigger restrictions to not do anything at all, so yeah, my house really needs the cleaning help.
She's going to be starting up her own house cleaning business, so cleaning my mess is giving her a start, I'll happily write a glowing letter of recommendation for her too.
She was only able to tackle my kitchen and bathroom yesterday, but damn, it looks a million times better in those rooms now.
I was so embarrassed about the state of my house, but being on some sort of medical restriction since the middle of May, the most I've been able to do is running the vac, doing the dishes and laundry, and general cleaning of the bathroom, that's it.
There's like 6 inches of dust in this house, and man, I felt so bad yesterday showing her how much my house has escaped me, I'm a clean person, not being able to do any real cleaning has just been a nightmare for my OCD.
So a biggie thank you to Mindy for getting it all back in shape for me, it is so much appreciated.

Ok, need to get back to laying down and relaxing before the nurse gets here to change out my dressings and stuff.

So I'm having an issue with my head, how it's angled, it could all be in my head, it could just be really tight and stiff muscles that will loosen up after a few weeks of healing, but it's a concern, so I'm heading in to see my surgeon today to have some xrays done, get my neck brace adjusted if that's what needs to be done etc.

The first week or so at home is always the hardest, the most painful, the most emotional, so yesterday was really just sucky for me.
I spent almost all day crying yesterday, just feeling really down on myself, sad, just an emotional basket case you could say.

Anyway, I'll be back around off and on later, let you know how it goes and stuff, and I will start telling how the whole surgery was from my view, it's much different than what everyone else experienced.
Later days.

Well there it is, my new scar line.
It's pretty big and badass looking, it goes all the way up into my hair line which you can see to the far left of it all.

My skin heals incredibly fast as you can't even see the remnants of my scar from my AP spine fusion from February 2006 any more.
It's not visible at all on my back, so I know that this scar line will heal up just as nicely as that one did.
I have one minor complaint, but as I've been reminded, I'm alive, that's more important.

The details of the fusion now go like this; I am permanently fused from C1-S1, that is the full length of the spine, there is no space at all, top to bottom, what the fuck else can go wrong with my spine?
Not fucking much I would think.
I'm like the terminator in there now, all fucking titanium but absolutely no power.

Weak, human, powerless to do anything about anything.
While I have my small moments of self pity, tears, feeling all shitty for myself, I was reminded that I'm a mother and that I'm alive, I'm here and I need to stop feeling all shitty for myself.
Indeed.
Mother is the word for god in the hearts and on the lips of children.
I need to remember to do my crying in private, it's still all too much for them to handle.

Hey all, I am finally back home, it was a long, completely fucked up hospital experience.
I will get to blogging about it all but not just yet.
Sitting here to read emails, to type, is not an easy task just yet, my head is being held by a neck brace in an awkward position, so thank goodness for spell check..LoLz

This whole thing was very physically hard on me, terrifying for my sons, and frustrating to be told I could go home tomorrow over and over, yet it never happened every single day, until today that is.
I finally had a massive blow out, started screaming, yelling, cursing and being a bitch about the care I was receiving and sit, and well, they don't really like it when atheists start swearing  in a catholic hospital. hahahaha

Anyway, I'll explain the whole trip, all the things that went wrong and everything else over a few days at a time.
I really can't handle sitting for long periods just yet.
But it's so so so good to be home, thank you all for the well wishes and good thoughts, they are all so very much appreciated.
Be back again tomorrow morning maybe.
Later days!

I'm up, showered, dressed, and ready to go.
I'll be leaving shortly to go, and I'll be getting this laminectomy done and coming home in a week.
Keep fingers, toes, all extra appendages crossed for me, yadda yadda, but it's gonna be alright.

I'll be blogging using Twitpic, that's my link, so you can stay updated.
Later days.

After a torturous last 48 hours, my surgery on Monday, is going on as planned.
I went to the stress test today, the cardiac specialist put me through the ringer, he slapped me on the treadmill, injected some sort of something into me to make my heart go faster, then he made the treadmill go faster.
And when it all finally stopped, he said my heart is 100% ok to have surgery, and as a matter of fact, it's in incredible shape for someone who has been smoking for the last 19 years.
I know I need to quit and I will, I try, I do ok for a bit, and then I fail again.
It happens, it's my biggest fault, that I have to battle my addiction to nicotine, and I will win it eventually.

But I passed that test with flying fucking colors, and then came home where I figured I'd chill and wait to hear more.
I wasn't even home 20 minutes before Cindy (surgeon's nurse) called me and said "Hey Kat, you've been through a lot, you've been a real trooper, but we need you to do two more things, and if you do, we can do surgery on Monday as planned."
So I went back to SMH, (Sarasota Memorial Hospital) had 1 final chest xray so they have the newest view of my neck and spine, and then 1 final blood draw.
While waiting to get the xray, I got a call from the neck brace people.
They asked my height and weight, and said when I wake up on Monday from the surgery, they will be there with the neck brace.
Then I had to run around and find the lab, the hospital moved it to an all new building, there was a slight mishap with the lab script being faxed to the wrong location, but we got that handled in minutes, I gave the 4 vials, and I came home again.

I'm emotionally drained, I'm exhausted.
What my primary doc did to me on Wednesday afternoon threw a wrench in everything, sent me spiraling and it battered me down hard.
But Cindy, she fucking rocks, she busted her ass and got me back in.
And Doc Altierri, he rocks for giving me express cardiac treatment and clearance to go forward.

I'm spending Saturday and Sunday with my sons, hanging out watching movies, just hanging together playing some rounds of guitar hero or rock band, heck, I may even play a round or two of Gears of War, and then Monday morning, Mindy will drive me to St. Joseph's really freaking early in the morning, and I'll start my surgery around 8am.
I'll be back in just a few days, I will be coming home, things will be ok.
I do have to start a new med, to try and help lower my blood pressure, if it even can be, there's no medical reason that it's high that can be found, no blood clots, no closing or blocked arteries, my heart pumps on just fine, but we're going to try so, whatever right?

I have some work to try and knock out, so bear with me, it has to be done, I sorta need that paycheck when I get back home hahaha.
So anyway, thanks for all the supportive comments and emails, sorry I just don't have the time to respond to them all, it's been kinda crazy around here and I only have 2 days left to get my work done and spend time with my boys, but really, thanks for being here for me, I appreciate it more than I can say.

I went in yesterday for my pre-surgery physical, and she didn't clear me.
She said that my blood pressure was too high, she couldn't give me clearance because she thinks I'll have a heart attack on the table.
Even though every single heart test I've had in the last 4 months, has come out clear.
So she called my surgeon and canceled my surgery.

She then started talking about the high white cell count, all docs freak out over this, they tell me I have the white cell count of someone who is dying of leukemia.
This happened last year, October 2007 to be exact, and I went through a hematology consult and an Imdium scan.
The results of both tests concurred.
Negative white cell study.
That means I'm not sick.

Then she tells me that when I went to the ER 3-4 months ago for that wicked shoulder pain I was dealing with, and the ER doc thought, because my blood pressure was so high, that I was either having a heart attack or had an arterial blood clot, but the tests all came back clean.
No heart problems at all.
But.
During the CT angiogram, the radiologist noted a spot on my liver.
That was on June 6, 2008.
That night, the ER doc never had me sign out of the ER, he gave me no paperwork telling me to have an ultrasound of my liver, but yesterday, my primary doc is telling me about that report, about the spot, she thinks that may be the reason for the high white cells, she doesn't know.

But what we do know is that I went to a cardiac specialist this morning who finds nothing wrong, but to be safe, I have to go back in tomorrow and have a cardiac nuclear stress test.
He said if that comes out fine, that he'll clear me for the surgery, but it's too late now for the Monday date, the OR was canceled, I missed the pre-surgery appointment at the hospital today to go see this cardiac specialist, my surgeon canceled it, it's done, too late.
It will have to be totall rescheduled, I'll have to go through all the pre-surgery tests all over again because they all have to be done within 1 week of the surgery.
 Then this Tuesday coming, I have to go in for an echo cardiogram, ya know, seeing as my surgery is canceled.

To say I'm mad is an understatement, I'm fucking pissed, I'm stressed, an I can't eat anything at all for 24 hours before this stress test tomorrow morning at 11am, so when I got home this morning from his office at like 10ish, I ate a bowl of cereal because I was nauseous.
I'm not allowed to eat anything else at all, and I cannot drink much either, I can have enough water to wash down my pain pills, but that's it.
I'll be completely weak, nauseous, and dehydrated tomorrow morning, which will be causing me stress and anxiety, which will make my blood pressure high and probably cause me to fail the fucking test.

Everything is just a big huge fucking mess.
They fucked with my life for a high blood pressure that is caused by the neck issue, they canceled my surgery that will save my fucking life.
That ER doc in June didn't tell me about the spot on my liver, but now I have to go get that taken care of too, get an ultrasound on it, and I'll probably have to go through another nuclear hematology consult as well to rule out the leukemia they fucking think I'm dying of.
Don't you fucking think that with all the fucking MRIs, CT scans, xrays, blood tests, urine tests, ultrasounds, and every fucking other test I've been through, that if I had fucking leukemia, it would have been found by now?
Don't you think I'd know!?!
Wouldn't I be sick, have some sort of pain, something?!
Do I match some of those symptoms like bone and joint pain?
Yes, but uh, I have 26 fucking inches of titanium running the length of my spine!!!!!!!
I have no other symptoms of it other than the bone and joint pain, and the high white cell count, that's it, and I've had that high white cell count for 2.5 years now, since my spine fusion.
Wouldn't someone know?
Wouldn't someone have figured that out by now with everything I've been through medically?

I'm not ok!
I'm angry, sad, stressed, pissed, hurt, and it's causing my kids to be scared to death.
Surgery, no surgery, heart disease, leukemia, what the fuck else are these assholes going to put me and my kids through?!
This is all too fucking much, it's just too much, I can't cope with everything that's happening right now, and I want to apologize to my employers who are waiting on me to get work done.
I will get it done, but I need to get a grip, I need to rest, I need to try and get this sorted out, get people to listen to me, read the test results, figure out that all of the shit is because of my spine being all fucked up.

And ya know what sucks?
All of the doctors want a medical history I can't give them, I'm adopted, I have nothing to show them, nothing to tell them, they stare at me, tell me this all looks genetic, that my birth parents gave me all of this, but they need to know and I can't give them any answers.
I hear from them about all of these things that are inside my body, these fluid filled sacks that are attached to my spine, that they don't know what they are, but there are a lot of them, my vertebrae closing like this, it's genetic, this is all genetic, it's all part of a medical history I know nothing about, and the more tests they do, the more they find, and the more they say big bad scary words about death and dying, and for fucks sake people, pick the one that is gonna kill me first and fix it, then we'll work on the next one and so on.

This is all just too much and I feel like I'm going crazy, like I just want to quit, just stop, I can't do this anymore.
My mom and dad called me last night, my sister had called them, told them what was going on, they told me to just keep going, to keep trying, to type out whatever I have to to get through all of this, that it's ok.
But it's not ok, it really isn't.
I'm being told I'm slowly dying, that I have diseases and shit which are killing me, and I'm supposed to be ok?
How the hell am I supposed to be ok after all of the hell I've already been through, and be told that there's even more?
How would anyone be ok with all of this?!
And please, please, please, do not tell me that god only gives us what we can handle, that he gives us tests to help us be better people, that this is all being done because he has a purpose for me.
That's absolute bullshit, I've been through more than enough fucking medical shit in my lifetime.
I was born a medical fuck up, that's why my birth parents left me in the hospital where I spent the first 6 weeks of my life, they were told I was going to die or be retarded, so they left, they just left me there.
I've suffered with some sort of medical fucking bullshit my whole life now, enough.
Enough!

My pre-surgical consult went well, as well as these things can go anyway.
The surgery is about 6 hours long, 4 day stay is accurate unless there are complications, and I will lose about 90% of the mobility in my neck and shoulders.
No left/right turning of my head, my shoulders will also be fixed.
He's doing a full laminectomny, no new disc installation, but he will be installing new titanium rods from C2 to meet up with the top of my current fusion at T3.
He says the new rods will just hook on to the top of those rods kind of like tinker toys.
That they just attach a piece, and slide the new rod in, and twist to lock it in place.
After this, I will be permanently fused from C2-S1.
That's a huge fusion,

They will be shaving my hair off from the base of my skull down.
I have a lot of hair, so he has to do it, and it will grow back.
I keep telling myself it will grow back, it's just hair.
But I love my hair. *sad face*

He thinks I have something called Riley Day Syndrome.
I don't fit all of the criteria for it, but a good number of the symptoms.
I've never had a seizure to my knowledge, and I do feel pain, believe me, I feel pain, but I do have the low muscle tone, the bowel issues, the smooth tongue, high blood pressure, excessive sweating which gets worse when I eat, and when I do vomit, it lasts for awhile, and will go on for hours.
# Irritability # Insomnia # Worsening of muscle tone
Those are things which have gotten progressively worse over the years, I have very bad muscle tone in my lower legs and feet, I have an unsteady gait etc etc.
I suppose that after surgery, I should probably see about having this test to find out if that's what this all is.
I'm adopted so the whole Eastern European Jewish ancestry thing is a possibility.
It would possibly explain the amount of body hair I have too.
"With advances in diagnosis and treatment, survival continues to improve. Currently, a newborn with Riley-Day has a 50% chance of reaching age 30."
Well I beat that part of this eh?

Anyway, it's going on as scheduled, just my physical tomorrow, hoping Dr. Ford clears me because the more Doc Moreno talks about this and keeps repeating the whole "sudden death" thing, the more anxious I'm getting.
If she doesn't clear me tomorrow, I may have to kill her.
Then Thursday, I have the actual surgical testing, ekg, blood work ups, heart tests, neck brace fitting, and the signing of the papers, Will and DNR.
Then Friday, the mammogram and then Monday, surgery.

But right now, I need to get something to eat.
It was a long day and I'm wicked way hungry.

I need to get my butt in gear and get in the shower, get dressed, and then wait for my sis.
Today's the day I learn it all, I'll have a full report when I get back.
Just finishing up a few things, and then I've got to get in the shower.
Later days!

Tomorrow, er, today, I have my pre-surgery consult with Doctor M.
He's going to tell me exactly what he and his team will do during the surgery, how long I'll be asleep, breathing tube, ICU, how many days to expect, (I'm holding him to 4!) what kind of pain to expect, what they'll have me do upon waking, physical therapy, etc, all of the nitty gritty details.

I have my own questions too.
Can I bring and wear my own clothes on like day 2 or something, will I be able to put my contacts back in, (I don't have a pair of glasses to wear) is this going to cause me to start a surprise menstrual cycle like the last surgery did, and if so, can I bring my own gear this time, or are they just going to make me lay there on a "pee pad" like last time.

Will they be shaving off any of my hair from the back of my head?
I know they are going to have to shave a portion of my neck, I have really long hair, I know it comes down far on my neck, so when they shave that, will they have to go any higher?
And if so, please don't fuck it up and make it incredibly noticeable to people.
My hair has been falling out anyway, but I really don't want to lose a lot if they can help it any.

I don't know if I posted about my hair situation or not, but this whole neck thing has been the cause of a lot of my health problems over the last year, year and a half.
With the spinal cord being pinched off, it can't send the right messages from my brain to all of my organs.
The messages are being pinched off, not sent, or sent incorrectly to all of my organs.
All of my stomach and digestive issues, being sick for no real reason, (I don't really go anywhere to catch any germs or viruses) my skin smelling really, horribly bad after eating certain foods, stomach pain, cramps, constipation, or the complete opposite, having days where regardless how many showers I took, how much deodorant I put on, I would have body odor, and my hair falling out.

Everyone loses hair on a daily basis, but this isn't normal hair loss, this is clumps of hair coming out in the shower, coming out when I brush it, coming out when the wind blows.
I don't have any noticeable bald spots, yet, but it's definitely thinned out.
It's nowhere near as thick as it once was, and it's not due to getting old, this is directly related to my neck stuff.
It's been rather sucky.

Sebastian broke down last night.
He just exploded in this 15 year old ball of fear, worry, and anger over this whole thing, crying, screaming, hugging me so tightly I thought he'd break my ribs.
He said if doc screws up and I die, he's going to beat him up really bad right there in the hallway at the hospital.
Mark said Sebastian won't get the chance, because he'll kill him.
To say the teens are starting to panic and be really afraid now, is an understatement.
They keep saying little things, '1 week from today' or 'I hope this week goes by really slow, it may be the last week I ever see you', or 'on Saturday or Sunday night, I'm sleeping with you, I want to be near you as much as possible.'
They even came out tonight and watched the season premiere of Gossip Girl, a show they hate, just to "hang out" with me.

I keep trying to reassure them that it's all going to be ok, that I WILL be coming home, that I'm going to be fine, and Sebastian wanted me to promise him that, but I can't.
I can't make that kind of promise because I really don't know.
I just kept telling him that I will be coming home, that it will be ok, without saying the word promise.

I have so much to do this week, work, the house, helping them with school, still trying to keep this house running as normally as possible, but honestly, I can't focus on any of it for long.
I want to though, I have things that I need to get done, but my mind starts wandering, racing, then my heart starts racing and pounding, and then I get a massive migraine and have to go lay down.
I went to bed shortly after the boys did tonight, they went at 11:30, I went at 11:45, and I laid there checking to make sure their alarm would go off, that mine would go off again at 8am so I can get up and try and do some work before I have to leave at noon-ish, but I started panicking about it all, so I got up and set Snoozester to call me at 8am just in case my cell alarm doesn't go off.
And now here I am, sitting here blogging, awake again, just thinking about it all.

I know things will be ok, but now with such short time left to go, I just want to go do it, get it over with, enough of the testing and appointments, and talks, let's just do it!
I just want it done so I can come back home like I said, that's all I want.

We are being barraged here (the whole country probably is) with constant reminders about the change to all digital broadcasting in February 2009, and seeing as today was a holiday, ABC ran a half hour infomercial about the switch and the converter boxes.
They said that if you bought a newer model tv, it should already be ready for the HDTV and LCD broadcast signals, and to just get an LCD mount for it on your wall, and you should be good to go.
That it should be ready and all good to go to pick up all the new digital signals.

Well I don't have money for the new tvs, and I already have the converter box and an amplified antenna, but it's not picking up the signals due to our house being made of concrete.
I need to either get a roof mount antenna, or one that can be mounted on the wooden shutters, but I think I might try a different idea.

I am going to buy a Philips Amplified UHF/VHF/HDTV Antenna, and mount it on the inside of my front windows.
It's flat, and it will only need to pick up the signal through the glass, not the concrete.
That may work.
If not, I'll mount it on the outside, attach it to the shutters, and run the cable through the front windows and screen, and hook it to the converter box.
I'm hoping that will work because all of the other indoor/outdoor antennas I've seen, are freaking huge, and I don't want a huge antenna on the front of my house.
I don't want anyone to see it and possibly see it, plus with it's flat profile, it will be less likely to get knocked off during a storm or hurricane.
It's not priced too badly, but I need to wait on it for now.
September is not the month to be buying non-necessities for the house, I still have until February 2009, so once the surgery is over and I'm doing well in my recovery, I'll pick one up and do the installation.
I don't want anyone to have to come do it for me, I like doing this kind of stuff myself

Don't forget to say "Rabbit rabbit White rabbit" upon waking up this morning, and on the morning of the first day of the month every month.
It's an old superstition, and I really don't believe in superstitions, but I do it for fun.
Seeing as how I don't know exactly what time I'll be waking up tomorrow, er, today, I figured I'd just post it now.

Who knows, maybe it really is good luck, and I could sure use some good luck this month.
I'm having surgery exactly 1 week from today, I could use to make some big time money this week before I go which means I need to get back to work pronto, no more lazy bones-feeling like not doing anything, and hey, maybe I'll win some money or maybe a Caribbean cruises vacation or something for the teens and I to go on after I'm recovered.

A vacation is sorely needed I tell ya.
I'm tired, stressed out, worried about money and bills, and the teens at school.
I really don't want this surgery to affect them like the last time, I don't want them to miss any days for any reason.
I do want them to come see me, but not until after school each day, come at night only.
That way my sister doesn't miss any time at work either, she really can't afford to take time off, so if she goes to work, and they go to school, then come visit me after, everyone will be doing what they need to do, and I'll be getting rest and doing my physical therapy/up walking the halls and all that stuff so I can come home on schedule.

It's late and once again I'm wide awake, so I think I'm going to go dive into my work, get as much done as I can.

So, insomnia again last night, went to "bed" at like 8:30am, woke up at 1:30pm.
Got a phone call from the hospital I'm having surgery at saying I missed an appointment today.
What?!?!
They will be calling me back.

Teens came home from school, brought in 2 packages.
I got another book, it's a duplicate, so I'll probably be giving it away to the first come/first get.
2nd package was from Amazon.
I didn't order anything? *confused*
I open the package, and there's the movie I just posted about on Tuesday that I said I was going to buy myself for Halloween.
Christine had left me a comment with the cryptic, "Oh, and watch your mail.  'nuff said!"
That was just on Wednesday, 1 day ago.
I figured ok, next week, maybe Saturday.
Nope, she ordered it, and I got the movie I absolutely adore today!
Instant cheer up from the pissed off feeling of being told I missed a surgical testing appointment that I didn't even know I had.
I would never just miss an appointment!
I have every single appointment written on the paper calendar, digitally entered on my Google calendar, I wouldn't forget, I wouldn't just not show, this is important stuff!
Is it going to screw up my surgery date?
I only have 1 full week left to get everything done!
OMG! *panic*
How could I miss an appointment I never knew I had?
I've really been so so good about writing them all down, arranging the transportation for each one with my sister doing some and Mindy doing almost all of the others.
I wouldn't forget one!
I checked my paper calendar, I checked my Google calendar, there's nothing written down for today for me to do other than to pay my Verizon DSL bill!
I wish they would call me back quickly, let me know what the hell happened, did someone forget to tell me about this one?
I know I have a lot of different appointments for different things, it's very possible someone just overlooked it, forgot to tell me because they made an honest mistake, because I know what day, what time, and where every single appointment is for everything.
Please don't let this screw up the surgery date, let this be an easy fix.
Please.

I know that my upcoming surgery, the laminectomy and new rod installation, is not going to be any where near as bad as my previous spine fusion, but surgery is surgery, and I'll still be subjected to all of the needles, tubes, and catheters, pulse oximeter readings, and all of the daily swallowing of antibiotics and stool softeners as I was before.

When I was getting my blood drawn for my labs yesterday, the guy was surprised by how calm I was about it.
He told me to take a deep breath and look away, I didn't.
I just watched him insert it, start the draw, change the vial, fill, change to the next vial, and then even helped him pull the needle and hold the cotton, remove the tourniquet, and put on the band-aid.
Mindy was sitting right outside the room laughing because the guy was all "most people hate needles", and I'm all dude, I've had so many needles and stuff in me, I could probably do it myself.
I told him the only thing I don't like is the central picc, I freaking hate that one.
They have to place those in during the surgery, and it's usually in there until they remove the breathing tube.
I hate that one because it's very uncomfortable, even though I'm usually doped up really bad, I can still feel it in there, it feels stiff and hard, like if you were to turn your head, it would snap in half or something, or poke through the other side of your jugular and kill you.

Ha!
I just said turn your head, something I won't be doing anymore after this surgery, so worrying about the picc stabbing through my jugular is not really going to be a worry or a problem.
It's still going to feel stiff and uncomfortable, but at least I won't have to worry about turning my head and killing myself. *LoLz*

And I need to remember to tell them, or remember to tell my sister to tell them, not to give me so many damn stool softeners this time.
They gave them to me like 3 times a day every day, and my body does not need that many.
After being on opiate pain relievers all of these years, I know all too well about the whole constipation thing that happens because of them, and I've somehow trained my body to "go" after just one stool softener per day, every other day.
If they give them to me in that large of doses while I'm there, we're going to have a bit of a messy going problem if you know what I mean.
I have a really good relationship with my meds and my bowels these days, I know exactly how many poop pills to take to get things moving along just fine.

If I do get told after surgery that I can't sit on my computer and blog, surf etc, for long periods of time, I know what I'll be doing.
A wonderful book publishing company has been sending me a ton of books that look really good and interesting to read.
I'll be able to lay in bed or on the couch, and read all of them.
They sent, just this week, 7 new books, all of them really do look great.
I know they send them to me to read and review and then post about, and even though I am a very quick reader, there's no way I can read that many books in a week.
It's only Wednesday, and they sent me 7 new books.
The same employee at this publisher is the one who sends them all to me, I told her what genre I prefer to read, but I'll read pretty much anything except for romance novels, I really don't like romance stories at all.
But I love this girl who works there, she's really awesome at her job, outstanding customer service, because when I emailed her the list of authors I like, the genres I prefer, she either made a note or a mental note, because she's been sending all of the types I really like.
So thank you, I will be starting to read them all pretty soon!

Now for the funny story about my black wardrobe I said I would share.
Yesterday evening after dinner, I forgot that I needed to go to Walgreen's to pick up another script that they had to order, but it was ready now, so Sebastian and I headed out to go get it and a few other things I needed to pick up like some more shampoo for the boys, and a couple new box fans because we had two of them burn out in the same week.
So anyway, we stop at the corner store for some drinks to have on our walk because it's incredibly hot out.
The owner Sam is there and he has a few friends of his hanging out behind the counter with him.
As I'm paying for our drinks, one of the guys starts talking to me.
He asks me why I always wear black, do I have any clothes that aren't black, and if I do, how come I never wear them.
He says he's always seeing me walking all over the place several times a week, and was curious.
I tell him it's just the color I prefer, I do own other colored clothing, but I rarely wear them.
I just don't like other colors, call it a phobia or whatever, but don't call me goth or emo, it's just the color I prefer.
Then he asks me if I'm hot all the time because of the black clothes, they attract heat ya know, he says.
I tell him that while it's generally true that black does make most people hotter because black absorbs more light energy than say white, and light energy does equal heat, not all people are effected by that general rule of science.
Before my blood pressure started being so high all of the time, I could sit outside all summer long dressed in a black shirt and not sweat a drop, but now?
Oh man, like right now, I am sitting in my house, the AC is on on 68, I have a fan aimed right at my face, and I'm sitting here in nothing but a t-shirt and light fabric shorts, and sweating to death.
I didn't tell him all of that, but then I did tell him that black isn't even really a color, it's the absence of color.
The guys just looks at me and says what?
"I said, black is not a color, it's the absence of color. Black is the total absence of light, therefore, it is the absence of color. The colors of light are red, green, and blue (known as RGB), black has no light at all, so it is the absence of color.
He sat there totally dumbfounded.
I asked if he has access to the net, he said yes, so I told him to go look it up when he got home, just go to google and type in "black is the absence of color", and he'll be able to read it for himself.
The additive color theory says that when all of the colors of light are added up, the end color is white.
The subtractive color theory says that on a molecular level, when using actual pigments to color a tangible object with, like crayons or paint, when you add all of the colors of light, red, green, and blue, when combined the end color is black.
But in the natural world, black is not a color, and not all people are effected by black attracting light energy, and in some rare cases, some people actually get colder when wearing black because their skin reacts to light energy differently than the majority of people.

Sam the owner starts laughing and says I told you she was too smart for you!
I said we had to get going, things to do, we were walking there and I needed to pick up some things and head back home before it gets dark, the light will be leaving and we'll be left with the absence of it, and I winked at the guy who had asked, and then we left.
As the door was closing, I hear the guy say to Sam, "I think her intelligence just increased her hotness factor by another 50 points. She'll never go out with me man!"

As Sebastian and I are waiting at the corner for the walk light to let us cross, he says to me,
"Guys are always checking you out, they like your hair, your eyes, your pretty face and your butt. But that is the very first time I've ever heard a guy say that they think you're hotter now that they know you're smart.Would you date him?"
I said I don't know, I don't even know him. He might be a really nice guy, but I don't even know his name. He may have seen me walking all over the place, but today is the very first time I've ever seen him, so how would I possibly know if I'd go out with him?

Sebastian thought about this the whole time we crossed the 4 lane road, and when we got to the other side he says, "Well not only does he think you're pretty, but he now finds you even more attractive because you're smart. Most guys don't like super smart girls, so when you find one that does and he wants to date you, you should grab onto him because the chances of finding another guy who likes you for being smart are pretty slim mom. If he does work up the courage to ask you out, you should definitely say yes, plus he seems like a nice guy."

I dropped it right there, I didn't feel like explaining for the millionth time that I'm just not interested in dating anyone.
I like being by myself because the majority of people annoy me.

Ok so, my pre-surgery physical didn't quite go off without a hitch.
She's my new primary care doc, so she wants to do all kinds of fun tests.

The nurse checked me in and weighed me, I'm down to 169.10lbs, then she took me to a room and took my blood pressure.
My blood pressure is really high because of the thing wrong with my neck, the spinal cord compression.
So she takes it and it's 137 over 98.
Then the doc comes in, asks me all kinds of questions about my history, natural childbirths, my surgical history etc, then takes my blood pressure.
It's now at 147 over 110, extremely high, she thinks I'm having a heart attack in her office, so she opens the door, hollers for the nurse to bring in the EKG machine, they strap me down, stick all those things on me, and the whole time I'm trying to explain it's not a heart attack, it's just my blood pressure due to my neck, but she's not listening.
The results of the EKG come back just fine, no heart attack.
Um, yeah, listen to me people!
But now she's super concerned, puts me on water pills every morning to help lower my blood pressure, and then orders a whole new battery of tests.

Tomorrow morning I have to go to the lab for a full work up and several other tests, she's gonna shit bricks when she sees my white cell count, I already know it, they all shit bricks when they see that number.
But come on people!
It's not normal for a body to have 26inches of titanium rods running the lentgh of your spine, nor is it normal to have 32 pedicule screws, of course my white cells, that little army of blood cells that fight off infections, are going to be in high numbers trying to fight off the foreign objects attached to my spine!
Then next week, the real doctor fun begins.

I have Monday September 1st off, (so far) then Tuesday, I go see my surgeon for my pre-surgery consultation.
On Wednesday, I go back to see the primary care doc to get the results of the lab work and the real full physical including the gyno pap and swabby joy joy.
Then Thursday, I go back to see my pain doc for my last visit with him before my surgery.
Then on Friday the 5th, I get to go have a mammogram. (Oh rapturous joy!)
Then on Monday the 8th, surgery.
It's all moving way, way too fast now.
Every new medical appointment just means it's getting closer to the actual day, and nope, still not ready yet.

But I did get in to see my pain doc today, I made it to his office before 11:45, and he gave me my script, so at least I don't have to worry about being in pain all next week when things start getting crazy busy for me.

Holy hell, 6:45am came far too fucking early this morning.
I went to bed around 1am, but didn't fall asleep until like oh, 3:30am.
Yeah, that makes for a very short night of sleep, just like I knew was going to happen to me.
I knew it at like 10am yesterday, even said so in an email to someone.
"I'll be up all night in like full blown panic attack mode."
I woke up Mark at the usual school time of 5:45am, and told him that right before they walk out the door, they need to come in and wake me up.
I knew I was only going to get about an hour more sleep, but I needed it big time.
When they woke me up, I'm pretty sure I started crying.

I have a busy morning today.
I need to get my butt in gear, take a shower, shave everywhere, and head to my pre-surgery physical at 10am.
Then, as quickly as I can possibly get out of her office, I need to rush over to see my pain doc
before he goes out of town again.
He' gone out of town twice in the last 2 weeks, I know doctors do that kind of stuff, but geez, it makes it very difficult to get in to see him when he's out all of the time.

Flickr isn't working with my blogs very well anymore, don't know why, I can't even get it set up right with this particular blog, so I'm going to try using Twitpic while in the hospital to post photos.
I tested it last night, it's not showing any of the text notes I send with the pics, but at least the pics are showing up about 6 or so minutes after I send them in.
If you want to see whatever pics I send in during that week, you'll be able to follow me here,
http://twitpic.com/photos/mskat

Well I suppose I need to get my ass in gear and get going on everything.
Later days.

I woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck.
I slept weird too.
Like all twisted up and stuff, so now my lower back and right hip are just killing me, and I can't get in to see my pain doc until Monday, before 11:45am.
Because at noon he's going back out of town.
But at 10am, I have an appointment with the new primary care doc for the pre-surgery physical, which I have no idea how long it's going to take.
So this means I'm going to have to call my surgeon to cover the refill on my pain meds again.
For the 3rd time, because my pain doc keeps going out of town.
My surgeon is going to start thinking something funny is going on.
Yeah, not quite so fucking funny when every time I need to make an appointment, he's going out of town.
And so I'm stressed out and in pain, and I can't see my pain doc because I have to go to that physical, I don't have a choice.
I have no idea how long the physical is going to take because duh, it's my new doctor.
The appointment could end up being 2 hours long, or like most doctor's, you sit and wait for a full hour or 2 before you even see the doctor.
And it's a full physical which means full naked, gyno, swabby, poke, prod, touch and pee in this cup appointment.

Seriously.
I'm way stressed out about all of this stuff right now.
In 18 days, I get my neck sliced open, have a couple vertebrae and discs removed, new rods installed, and I never turn my head left or right again.
18 days.
It may seem like that's a long time, but it's not, and it's creeping up on me faster than I know how to handle.

And I swear, if one more person says they'll pray for me, or let go and let god, trust in god, god will take care of you, I'm going to fucking explode!
This bill collector called me at 8am this morning, wanted to talk about an old hospital bill I owe, and when I said sorry, I can't pay that right now, they asked why, I explained why, I let it all out on the girl, and she says to me, and I quote, "I can stave off the collection phone calls for about a week, and I'll pray for you. Wow, I don't even know how you're feeling, but I imagine. I promise, I'll pray for you."

You'll pray for me?!
These calls are recorded for customer quality results, and man, I hope they recorded that one.
You are never to get personal with the customer, never ever, get personal with the customer when you are calling them to collect a debt. I know the rules, I used to work for Georgia Power and Gas, that was one of the major big time rules, never, ever, get personal with the customer, stick to the facts.
Fucking twit.
I hope they recorded that call and heard me tell her to shove her prayers up her ass.

I just got a call from Doc Moreno's office, they had to ask me a few questions, and then I asked about how long I'll be in the hospital.
Doc Cramer put me on hold, and when he came back, he said 4 days.
Only 4 days!
W00t!

Ever feel like you're the injured person in the accident, and after getting slammed into by that 18-wheeler, you can't decide if you need a personal injury attorney or a truck accident lawyer?
That's how I feel right now.
Everyone is stopping, slowing down to take a look, rubbernecking, holding up the rest of the traffic on the highway, and making everyone late to where ever it is they need to go.

I'm tired of answering the same questions about my surgery.
How long will you be gone?
Will you have help when you get home?
How bad is it going to be?
Will the teens be able to help you?

Answering the same questions all the time, makes me stop what I'm doing, and have to think about it, and I'm already tired of thinking about it.
I'm answering though because there are genuine people who care, my friends, family members, total strangers on my fave local forum where I play, where they only know me by my posts and my name, but even posting it in the private girls forum, people still talk, so I got a lot of private messages about it, had to reply to posts about it, and all that stuff.

I have a few weeks before I go, I don't know much information yet, I don't know how long I'll be there, I don't know if the insurance will let me have a home health aide, I don't know how bad it's going to be, any of that.
All I know is that it's a 6-hour surgery, and that he promises he can fix me.
That's it, that's all I know.
When I know more, I'll blog it.
But in the meantime until I learn more, I'm trying to live, I'm trying to deal with it all and accept it.
There's more to it than what I've posted, but every time I want to post it, I end up crying because of how big this whole thing is, of all the answers it gave me, and all the what-ifs that still hang in the air, and how much time I have to spend with my sons before I go in for it.
That's what's most important right now, being with them, and spending time with them.
I know it's not what other people want, people want more, they want answers, they want stuff I can't give them.
But it's all I have and it's what's most important.

Last night after getting home from Chuck E. Cheese for my niece Susan, my insomnia from the night before started to catch up to me.
I found myself sitting here in my chair dozing off several times.
I had been sitting here at like 6:15pm, and when I woke up, it was 8:30pm.
I was supposed to go in to the boy's room and fix the video card settings to show more detail on their games, and get some papers ready for today's medical phone calls.
But I was so tired, I laid down on the couch at like 10-10:30, and that was it, out and down for the count.

The teens slept over my sister's house, so at like 8:20 this morning, I hear this knocking on the door.
It was them, my alarm I had set for 8am never went off, so ooopsy.
They said they had just knocked that one time, so at least they hadn't been out there banging on the door for an hour.
Then as soon as I let them in, fixed the door caterpillar, I then laid back down on the couch and fell asleep again.
I hadn't slept for like 38 hours, so I was way tired, and just needed all that sleep to catch up.
Then when I woke up at 11am, I ran to the corner store for some soda, and then came back to get myself ready for the medical phone calls at 1pm.
I spent about 2 hours on the phone answering questions with the surgical intake nurse, she wasn't able to give me any information on how long I'd be in the hospital, but Doc Moreno or Cindy would be able to answer all of those questions for me later.

Then I tried to catch up some emails and gave up.
I'm not answering any questions for anybody about things that happened a long time ago.
It's over for me, so move on folks, the show's over.
A year ago when I laid out what I was doing, was the time for people to ask questions and get answers, and yanno, maybe even help me, but no one did, so I took care of it, it's done.
I am ok with being called a disgusting human being for not helping others now, it's fine with me, no one helped me when I needed it or asked for it. Call me selfish, call me mean or a moron, and yes, I do know who I emailed recently about something to do with work, so um, yeah, nice try hiding behind the name "anonymous".
Hello! I wasn't born yesterday people.
It's done, over, don't bother emailing me about it now.

I made the call to the lawyer to schedule a time to get the DNR and WILL verified, asked a quick question about something else, he said we can talk about that at the appointment, told me to bring the papers and stuff with me, so I will have all my medical stuff and my other stuff taken care of by next week, or answers at least.

Right now I'm making dinner, some yummy BBQ'd boneless/skinless chicken breast, and some broccoli with cheese, and then I have the dishes to finish up, and a load of laundry to start.
I don't think I have much on the agenda for tomorrow, haven't looked yet, and Google calendar hasn't emailed the daily summary for tomorrow yet, I should get that around midnight.

I know that I do have some work to catch up on.
Due to passing out cold last night, I didn't get all of my work finished, but I did get most of it done.
I only have about 5 or so left, so yeah, I got almost all of them done before going out yesterday.
It's ok with me, I am not late on anything, it's all actually not due until next week, so I'll get it all done by tomorrow, and then take on whatever else they need done.
Ok, time to go check the dinner, later days!

...You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to... The Outer Banks, er, Outer Limits....

It's almost 9am on Sunday morning, I've been awake all night again.
Insomnia really sucks.
It's like a form of anxiety insomnia.
Like if I know that I have to be somewhere, do something really important, i won't sleep at all no matter how hard I try.

I know I'll be fine though, I tend to get second and third gusts of wind right when I need them.
Then when we get back home, I'm hoping that I'll be able to sleep for at least a few hours (probably not) because I have some important medical stuff to deal with on Monday morning.
I have some pre-surgery phone calls to answer questions, like have I gained or lost any significant amount of weight in the last 6 months, when was the last time I had a blood test, donated blood, have I discovered any new allergies to medications, food, or latex/plastic/tape products.
I've answered all these questions before, no big deal.

Then I need to call and set up an appointment to have both my will and DNR verified again, notarized, signed, stamped, sound mind and body, yadda yadda, and I have some questions I need to discuss too.
I have a lot going on, not only is the surgery like a big medical jumbo brain frazzle, it's legal too.
Sign this, cross these Ts, dot those Is, on every page with an 'X', please initial on the line provided, sign and date the bottom of each page.
I know the routine, so while I'm initialing and crossing, and dotting, I'll be able to ask my other questions and discuss my other concerns.
I just don't want a big battle on anyone's hands should anything at all go wrong.

Time is fluid. The waters of forever close -- and passage may not be completed. The present and the future are for a moment united. And the Enemy, half-today, half-tomorrow, is locked between...

Cindy called, the surgery will be September 8th at St. Joseph's in Tampa, it will be about 6 hours.
I will have to go and get the pre-surgery physical, not self blood donations, it can just be done.

I haven't been feeling well today, woke up to puking, I'm tired today, just not feeling right at all.
No clue what it is, but I'm hoping I'll feel better later.