Recently in Family Category

I know that I've posted quite a few times about taking a vacation, and one of the places that I am always talking about going for a vacation, is wanting to be able to afford to go and rent one of those really gorgeous Outer Banks vacation rentals in North Carolina.
Carolina Designs has one of the most awesome, most amazing looking rental homes for just such a vacation.
I mean, just look at the outside of the house, this big, beautiful house right on the Outer Banks.


The house is called SEAHAWK, and it's just yards away from the beach.












It has five bedrooms, and two of them are master bedrooms.
It also has a private pool and a hot tub.
There are 10 tv sets in the house and three VCR's, two DVD players, and a video library so there's always something to watch.
It has a stereo and a game room with a sports bar and a pool table.
It also has an Xbox for you and your kid's video gaming needs, a wet bar and a gas grill, and tons of parking spaces for you and all of your guests.
(If you choose to bring people with you. *wink wink*)

Here is a view of the private pool and the living room.




























Here is another view of the living room, one of the master bedrooms, and the room with the pool table.









































This home is just so beautiful, isn't it?
This is the exact kind of vacation rental home that I would want to stay in.
I hate camping, and hotels and motels are OK for short stays, but if I could truly afford to go on a really nice vacation for two weeks or more somewhere in the US, I would totally go for this exact place, or this exact kind of place, and definitely in the Outer Banks.

I have been hearing for years and years now, about just how awesome and gorgeous it is in the Outer Banks, about how beautiful and peaceful it is there, and that's exactly the kind of vacation that I want to go on.
Somewhere truly beautiful, and somewhere truly peaceful.
This house, the SEAHAWK, just looks so beautiful and so peaceful.
It's nice and big, clean looking, it looks really comfortable, "homey looking", and it has some incredible views of the area that even just looking through the pictures, it makes you want to go there because of how beautiful and peaceful looking it is.

This house is available to rent year round, and of course during "season", it's going to cost more to rent, but the weekly rental rates aren't that bad actually.
I've spent more than the weekly rental cost on airfare to fly the three of us back to Maine for 2 weeks, so it's really not that bad at all.
I don't know why, but I always thought that I couldn't afford to take a vacation to the Outer Banks, but looking at just this home and the rates, it is something that is totally do-able for me to do some one of these days.
Yeah, it's always nice to fly home and visit with family, but I really want to take a vacation some day that is just away from it all, away from everything, just go to a place that I want to go, no stress, no mess, just go and stay in a big, beautiful home, sleep in as late as I want, stay up as late as I want, go for long walks on the beach whenever I would want to, and just relax, just really get away from it all, and leave all of my stress and troubles at home for a week.

I really love this house, I would totally love to stay there for a week someday, just me and the teens taking a relaxing vacation for just one week in a gorgeous home like this.
Some one of these days, I will.
I really will. 

I really need to get my own wholesale club membership going because I cannot constantly rely on other people to get me to the place to do my shopping.
I need to start saving even more money, and buying things in bulk and getting discounts, being able to use coupons, and get really good deals, is what I need to start doing more of if I'm going to be able to continue surviving in this economy.

I don't have a lot of money to start with, so going shopping for food for the teens, for my family, is getting tougher and tougher these days.
I had my friend pick up a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk for me today, and it cost me $5.89.
That's crazy!
A loaf of bread used to be just $1.29, today, that same loaf of bread cost me $1.90.
If prices keep increasing like this, we'll have to start getting even more creative with how I do the shopping

I got an email about getting a good deal on a Branson vacation package.
Branson?
As in Branson Missouri?

I am not so sure that me and my family would enjoy ourselves there, it is like a country music place, and uh, we are so definitely not into country music.
They say they have stuff for everyone though.
Roller coasters, live music, boating, magic shows, musicals, comedy acts, etc, but I still don't know if it's "our kind of thing".
I guess it's something that I would consider if like part or all of the trip was something I won, you know?
Like if I won a trip, I would definitely go, but I don't know if it's something that I would pay for because I am so not into that whole country music scene.

Anyone ever been there?
Was it any fun?
If you don't like country music, like how many days would it take before you wanted to stab yourself in the ears?

Sebastian is really going.
After all of the crying, arguing, and talking, he's really going.
His father really did go buy the ticket this time, we got the information in the mail today, and while it still irks me to no end that he (father) didn't know Sebastian's birth date, I am letting him go.
This is something that Sebastian wants, he wants to go know his father, meet and know all of his half siblings, so I have to let him go.

He will also be able to visit with Ninny and Pop-Pop, (my parents/his grandparents) and Shell, Ray, and Michael, and he'll have my other cell phone so that he can call me whenever he wants to, as well as call all of the friends and relatives so that he can go visit with them.
He'll be spending time with Aunty Heather and her fiance Kristina, and his cousin Sullivan, and they may even try teaching Sebastian how to go atv riding as she owns a couple of them and has tons of land to drive them on.
I'll be a nervous wreck of course, worried about him getting injured, but he's 17, I have to let him go and do all of these things, learn who his father is, and in turn, learn a little bit about who he is.
Not knowing who your father is, or who your parents are, has an effect on you, you always feel incomplete, like you don't know who you are.

I know this is true because I've never known who my parents are until this past year.
I learned who they are, learned I had siblings, and in turn, I learned a bit more about myself.
I now know that a lot of my health issues are because of my mother, she had a lot of the same ones, and it kind of scares me.
My bio-mother had severe mental issues, so whenever the stress gets to me, whenever my OCD ticks get going crazy, I wonder and worry if it's because of her, and if I'm going to get worse, get like her.
I really hope not.

I will get some term life insurance one of these days, I feel like I'm running out of time here.
Lately, it's been one thing after another with me, it all feels like it's falling apart, fast.
I turn 40 on March 1st, and my body is breaking down faster and faster as each day passes, or at least that's how I feel, that's what it feels like what's happening to me.

Intestinal viruses, drastic weight loss, illness after illness, medication changes, and then at 4am today, this Thursday morning, my way back right molar, which has been broken for a long time, freaking exploded like I got shot in the face.
I couldn't sleep, as usual, and all of a sudden, it felt like I had literally been shot in the face.
The entire right side of my face immediately swelled up huge, my gums are completely swollen, my whole face hurts, the swelling is moving up the whole side of my face, my right eye is swelling shut, it's really pretty bad.
The antibiotics that I have are not working on it, not yet at least, I need to go see a dentist, but there is absolutely no dental coverage on Medicare, none.

I simply do not have the money to go see a dentist, I won't have the money to see a dentist for a very long time, and even if I did have the money, I cannot open my jaw wide anymore, an extraction of that broken tooth would have to be done while I was put under, and they would have to be extremely careful or they could break my jaw.
Being put under for extractions cost a ton of money that I just do not have, will not have.
But first, before anything like an extraction could even be discussed, I need the correct antibiotics to get rid of this massive infection that is taking place and spreading.
If this abscesses, it can get into my blood stream and make me even sicker than I already am all of the time.

I'm so tired people, so so tired.
 
I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of having things go wrong, I'm exhausted from struggling to make ends meet, I'm stressed out all of the time, it's really no wonder that I don't sleep and can barely eat, I'm far too stressed out to even properly function half the time anymore.
I lay awake all night long, sick, stressed out, worried about how I'm going to pay the bills, the rent, pay for all of this medical crap that is constantly happening.
Every single day is a medical and financial nightmare for me.
I'm so tired and so scared.
I'm absolutely terrified that I'm not going to be able to hold it together for much longer.
I get sick and then I can't work because I'm too sick to even sit here and type.
If I can't sit here and work, I lose making the money that I so desperately need to pay the rent, bills, and medical crap.
I'm feeling like total crap right now, the right side of my face, the whole right side, is completely swollen, it hurts, my whole jaw hurts.
I called both my pain doc and my primary care, I asked if they could call in some antibiotics, they said no.
They told me to go to the dental clinic butcher shop downtown, or go back to the ER.
I am probably already marked as a "frequent flier" at the ER, so yeah, I really don't want to have to walk back in there, show them my face, and beg them to help me, again.
 
I'm sick and tired of my ex-husband paying the child support once a freaking month because he knows that he can get away with it.
He doesn't even have to pay that much anymore!
Mark is 18, so he only has to pay for Sebastian, just $59.56 per week, and he refuses to pay it every week like he's supposed to!
He knows that he can miss 3 weekly payments in a row before any legal action is taken, so he doesn't pay for 3 weeks, then pays just the one payment of $59.56, and then doesn't pay again for another 3 weeks!
He hasn't paid a freaking dime since January 8th!
I know that's not much money, but I need every single penny that I can get, that I'm supposed to have.
That weekly child support payment pays for my doctor appointments and medicines, Mark's doctor appointments and medicines, helps buy food, and helps to pay some of the bills, and he just keeps avoiding paying it.
It's not fair!

When I say that I'm really scared, I mean it.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep this pace up, how much longer that I can try to hold my life together financially.
Everything is a mess, I get sick, I lose work, I lose work, I lose money, I lose money, I get behind on my bills and rent.
I am falling apart here, just falling apart and I'm scared.
I need help, I need someone to just come and make it all better, take the burdens off of me for awhile.
I need someone to just come into my life and take over for awhile, pay the bills, buy the food, pay for the medicines and appointments, and clothes for the 2 growing boys, I need someone to just come take over, I am struggling so hard and I am terrified.

It is so hard for me to admit my failings, to admit that I need someone to help me, to just take control before I lose control and lose everything, house and job, everything, but I am losing it here folks, I'm really losing it.
I really don't know how I'm going to hold it together for much longer.
I have so many bills all due during the first 3 days of February, and I do not have the money, I just don't have it.
I'm not going to have it.
Do you see?
Do you see at all?
Have you ever been so scared that you're really going to lose it all this time?
That this is it, this time is going to be the time that you just can't hold it together any longer and you can do absolutely nothing at all about it?

I can't do anything about it.
Nothing.
I'm so lost and so scared, and just wow, I really don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold this life of mine together.
This life of mine.
It's not a life anymore, it's just fear, stress, and worry 24 hours a day, I'm really losing control.



 

I've been trying to help Mark with his plans for the future for months now, and it always feels like we get just a little bit further along in deciding what he'll go to school for, and then we take not just 3 steps back, but more like 10 steps back.
We've talked about maybe going for fire service training before, about getting a masters in public safety administration, or maybe he can go for an online Master of Arts in Organizational Leadership for fire service management.

I emailed him the link to Lewis University which is an online accredited school, sent him links to several of their classes to work toward getting an online Bachelor of Arts in fire service training.
A Bachelor of Arts in fire service training would give him the skills and information necessary to become a supervisor, train officers, train forest fire fighters, fire inspectors, and fire investigators.

Like I said, I get pretty far along, so so I think, I get him talking about it, excited about it, I get him reading up on it, and I encourage him like a mad woman, to give this some serious consideration.
But then just a few days later, he's no longer interested, and when I ask him what's up, he tells me that all of his life, he's had his heart set on being a police officer, a cop out on the streets, a beat cop.
He wants to wear the blues and badge, he wants to be out there walking down the street, talking to people, helping people, making himself a proud, welcomed, and trusted part of the community that he lives and works in.
He says that he knows that he can never be a beat cop, he knows this in his head, he knows this in his heart, he knows that he has to find something else to do, and he knows that there are so so many ways that he can be a proud, welcomed, and trusted part of the community in some other way by being a crime scene investigator, a forensic investigator, a fire investigator or inspector, something else, but still a huge an integral part of the serve and protect community in which he lives, but he also knows that it's not what he's always wanted to be and he's so very upset about it.
He's sad, hurt, angry, and terribly disappointed that his lifelong dream is over.

It breaks my heart so so much to know this, to know that he's not happy and unable to live his dream job.
I've always told the boys since they were very little that I didn't want them to live the kind of life that I did, working whatever job was out there that I could get hired at, just to pay the bills.
I didn't want them to just work "some job" to pay the bills and live paycheck to paycheck like I did.
I told them to find not a job, but to pick a career, to find something that they absolutely love to do, would be proud to do, and would be excited about doing every single day for the rest of their lives.
Mark had that, he had his dream career all picked out, all planned out, he's been excited about being a cop since he was little, and now he can't.
When I tell you that he had it all planned out, I really mean it, he had it all planned out.
he knew what kinds of classes would be best to take in high school, he knew exactly what kind of courses to take in college, he knew what time of year was the best time of year to apply at the police academy, he knew what teachers at the State College of Florida (formerly MCC, Manatee Community College) were the best teachers to have and talk to about the police academy, which teachers would write recommendations, and he already had 7 people who had agreed to write him glowing recommendations to help him get into the police academy.
He had police officers, former police officers, teachers, personal references, and even a judge who he met through his Big, George, who he spent over an hour talking to one night at a party at George's house for the holidays.

He had it all planned and worked out, he was excited about his future, and it was all taken away from him in one fell swoop of bad genes.
It's so heartbreaking trying to help him plan his future all over again, try to get him excited about a new career path for his life.
I try to get him talking about it as often as I can so that he doesn't just give up on it, give up on having a career that he can do and love just as much as he wanted and loved the idea of being a cop.
I will NOT give up on it, I will NOT give up on him, but at times it's devastatingly heartbreaking to hear him talk about what he wanted to be and do with his life, and hear the passion in his tone of voice.
He still has the passion, it's still there, I just need to help him place that passion into something new, and it's incredibly difficult for me because when I hear that passion, that want, that desire to be a beat cop and hear his voice crumble when he talks about how he can never be a beat cop, I just want to burst into tears.

Shahiro, the stunted growth kitty who is now 4 years old as of November, is still the same size as a 12 week old kitten, she's tiny.
And because she's so tiny, she's always freezing cold when winter comes around.
The last few days at night, it's been a bit cooler, not cold cold, but cooler than it normally is around here.
If anyone lays down on the couch with a blanket, she's right there and curling up into a ball on your stomach or between your legs, or right on your chest, so that she can sleep in a warm place.
I should get a heated blanket for myself for this winter, and then when she comes to lay down with me, no matter where she lays, she'll be nice and warm.