Recently in Kids & Teens Category

I'm tearing my closet and drawers apart, looking in the teens clothes too, desperately searching for my jeans.
I can't find my damn jeans!
What I did find though was a barcode scanner thing from when I did a food purchase thing for a survey company.
I had to scan in all of my groceries every single time that I went shopping.
At the end of each quarter, they paid us for our work, for scanning all of our purchases.
It wasn't just food, it was everything that we bought, they used the data to help companies figure out what people were buying, so that companies could do their advertising better, stuff like that.
I also found an old telephone, an old pair of shoes, heels that I can no longer wear.
Finding all kinds of stuff but what I'm freaking searching for.
Ugh!

The teens and I have so much to do before we go to Maine, so many things to take with us because of how long we'll be there, so many things to take care of here at the house too, that it feels like I should just hire a long distance moving company to help me pack and organize it all.
I have to go to a store and buy myself a pair of jeans, I don't own any, I wear shorts or cotton capri pants all year round here, or I have been borrowing Mark's jeans when it's cold and I need to go somewhere.
While at the store, I need to get a few t-shirts, and a package of tube socks for the 3 of us to share.
I have to get help putting on my socks and boots while in Maine, but it's better than having freezing feet the whole time.
I need to make my list of everything that I need to take, medicines, personal care items, I need to get all of my medical cards ready for the airport, that's always so much fun going through security, so I just make sure that I have everything in my hand to show them.
I need to make sure that the teens have enough warm `clothes and socks too.

I also need to get the netbook and stuff ready to go, that will be in my carry-on, not in a suitcase, not even going to risk it.
I need to finish programming all of my contacts into my new cell phone, and learn as much about using it as I can, take the manual with me anyway.
And then I need to have Mindy come over so that we can go over everything about the cats feeding and stuff because she's watching them and the house for us while we're gone.

There's so much more too that I can't even remember right now, but I will, and then as soon as I remember it, I need to add it to the list so I don't forget it again.

I don't need any products like a  fat burner to help me lose weight right now,because on top of my foot issue, I now have a cold.
Actually, both of the teens have colds too.
All 3 of us are coughing and hacking, have stiff and achy muscles, and basically, just feel miserable.
Because of my spine fusions, it hurts to cough.
When you cough, your lungs inhale and exhale very quickly, and this causes them to expand and shrink again, very rapidly, which uses all of the muscles in your rib cage, which is both the front and back of your body.
Coughing uses all of the muscles surrounding your entire rib cage, so every single time I cough, it pulls all of those muscles and hurts like hell.

I tried to eat, but I kept coughing, so I ended up choking on whatever I tried to eat, even soup.
Take a spoonful of soup, cough, have it go down the wrong way, and start choking on it.
Choking on soup.
I don't need to take anything to help me control my appetite, because I can't even eat or I'll choke.
I am staying hydrated though, I am drinking plenty of fluids, just very small sips through a straw, (as always) and so at least I'm not going to get dehydrated during this cold.
I may try drinking my soup through a straw later, I am wicked hungry, so maybe drinking it through a straw like I am with my juice, will allow me to "eat" something.

It really sucks that I have a cold and am coughing like this every 30 seconds.
It started yesterday about mid to late afternoon, it wasn't that bad then, but it still hurt whenever I did cough.
Then it started to get worse just as I was setting up my camera to do a video product review that I need to get done.
I am already seriously late getting it done, and when I say seriously late, I mean seriously late.
It was due at the very end of December, but the company had to change when they shipped them due to the holiday, so I didn't actually get it until the 2nd week of January.
Then I got really wicked sick for the next almost 3 weeks, with a horrid stomach thing from hell, and then thing after thing just kept happening to prevent me from doing it.
I was using the product though, it is something that I use every single day as it replaces something that I do everyday, so I used all of the product up and needed to order more.
So I ordered more, waited for them to get here, and then when they arrived, something else came up to prevent me from doing the video review.
Now here we are, I had every single intention to do the video review last night, but I was coughing so loud, that doing the video review, especially for the product that I'm using and reviewing, it would not have been ok at all.
Then I thought that maybe the coughing would be over by today, or at least lessened enough that each cough was about 5-10 minutes apart, far enough apart that I could get through a few minutes of recording myself without hacking up a lung.
But nooooo, the coughing just was so much worse when I woke up, I'm coughing every 30 seconds or so, it's a loud, barking, and "wet" sounding cough, so yeah, again not a good way to be for making a video review of the product that I'm using.

I will get it done, I just have no idea when now.
I feel absolutely horrible about it too.
I have never, ever been this late on completing any work before.
I know how bad this looks, and even though my health issues are a perfectly legitimate excuse for why my review isn't done or had been done closer to the due date, but I do know that this looks really, really bad on me.
I am ashamed of myself for not getting it done yet, I know that I have had numerous health issues that prevented me from doing it, but I still can't help feel absolutely terrible about this. 

Mark will be attending college starting this summer, and he's also going to work on getting his license, finally.
After the license, comes finding a car and figuring out how to pay for it, and also getting an auto insurance quote for a new and young driver.
I know that the insurance is what's going to be what costs us the most.
He's only 18, never had a license, no work history, no credit history, so yeah, the insurance for him is probably going to cost quite a bit to start with.
I think the prices go down after he's had a license for 6 months or so.
I think.
That's what I've heard anyway.
My sister Jo said that she would put him on her insurance, so he would have insurance when he was driving her car anyway, but we have to wait for 6 months to 1 year of him having his license before the price of insurance goes down.

I will get some term life insurance one of these days, I feel like I'm running out of time here.
Lately, it's been one thing after another with me, it all feels like it's falling apart, fast.
I turn 40 on March 1st, and my body is breaking down faster and faster as each day passes, or at least that's how I feel, that's what it feels like what's happening to me.

Intestinal viruses, drastic weight loss, illness after illness, medication changes, and then at 4am today, this Thursday morning, my way back right molar, which has been broken for a long time, freaking exploded like I got shot in the face.
I couldn't sleep, as usual, and all of a sudden, it felt like I had literally been shot in the face.
The entire right side of my face immediately swelled up huge, my gums are completely swollen, my whole face hurts, the swelling is moving up the whole side of my face, my right eye is swelling shut, it's really pretty bad.
The antibiotics that I have are not working on it, not yet at least, I need to go see a dentist, but there is absolutely no dental coverage on Medicare, none.

I simply do not have the money to go see a dentist, I won't have the money to see a dentist for a very long time, and even if I did have the money, I cannot open my jaw wide anymore, an extraction of that broken tooth would have to be done while I was put under, and they would have to be extremely careful or they could break my jaw.
Being put under for extractions cost a ton of money that I just do not have, will not have.
But first, before anything like an extraction could even be discussed, I need the correct antibiotics to get rid of this massive infection that is taking place and spreading.
If this abscesses, it can get into my blood stream and make me even sicker than I already am all of the time.

I'm so tired people, so so tired.
 
I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of having things go wrong, I'm exhausted from struggling to make ends meet, I'm stressed out all of the time, it's really no wonder that I don't sleep and can barely eat, I'm far too stressed out to even properly function half the time anymore.
I lay awake all night long, sick, stressed out, worried about how I'm going to pay the bills, the rent, pay for all of this medical crap that is constantly happening.
Every single day is a medical and financial nightmare for me.
I'm so tired and so scared.
I'm absolutely terrified that I'm not going to be able to hold it together for much longer.
I get sick and then I can't work because I'm too sick to even sit here and type.
If I can't sit here and work, I lose making the money that I so desperately need to pay the rent, bills, and medical crap.
I'm feeling like total crap right now, the right side of my face, the whole right side, is completely swollen, it hurts, my whole jaw hurts.
I called both my pain doc and my primary care, I asked if they could call in some antibiotics, they said no.
They told me to go to the dental clinic butcher shop downtown, or go back to the ER.
I am probably already marked as a "frequent flier" at the ER, so yeah, I really don't want to have to walk back in there, show them my face, and beg them to help me, again.
 
I'm sick and tired of my ex-husband paying the child support once a freaking month because he knows that he can get away with it.
He doesn't even have to pay that much anymore!
Mark is 18, so he only has to pay for Sebastian, just $59.56 per week, and he refuses to pay it every week like he's supposed to!
He knows that he can miss 3 weekly payments in a row before any legal action is taken, so he doesn't pay for 3 weeks, then pays just the one payment of $59.56, and then doesn't pay again for another 3 weeks!
He hasn't paid a freaking dime since January 8th!
I know that's not much money, but I need every single penny that I can get, that I'm supposed to have.
That weekly child support payment pays for my doctor appointments and medicines, Mark's doctor appointments and medicines, helps buy food, and helps to pay some of the bills, and he just keeps avoiding paying it.
It's not fair!

When I say that I'm really scared, I mean it.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep this pace up, how much longer that I can try to hold my life together financially.
Everything is a mess, I get sick, I lose work, I lose work, I lose money, I lose money, I get behind on my bills and rent.
I am falling apart here, just falling apart and I'm scared.
I need help, I need someone to just come and make it all better, take the burdens off of me for awhile.
I need someone to just come into my life and take over for awhile, pay the bills, buy the food, pay for the medicines and appointments, and clothes for the 2 growing boys, I need someone to just come take over, I am struggling so hard and I am terrified.

It is so hard for me to admit my failings, to admit that I need someone to help me, to just take control before I lose control and lose everything, house and job, everything, but I am losing it here folks, I'm really losing it.
I really don't know how I'm going to hold it together for much longer.
I have so many bills all due during the first 3 days of February, and I do not have the money, I just don't have it.
I'm not going to have it.
Do you see?
Do you see at all?
Have you ever been so scared that you're really going to lose it all this time?
That this is it, this time is going to be the time that you just can't hold it together any longer and you can do absolutely nothing at all about it?

I can't do anything about it.
Nothing.
I'm so lost and so scared, and just wow, I really don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold this life of mine together.
This life of mine.
It's not a life anymore, it's just fear, stress, and worry 24 hours a day, I'm really losing control.



 

In my quest to find an acne treatment product that works for both of the teens, I've ended up reading a TON of online reviews.
Almost every single acne product on the market contains benzoyl peroxide.
But what happens to your skin once you start using those products every single day is that your skin can become addicted to using it, and if you stop using it suddenly, you can end up with even worse breakouts than before you started using it.
I read up on one product and read what the tazorac side effects are for it, and found out that the most common side effects are redness, irritation, dryness, and even allergic reactions to it.
You have to be super careful with some of these because if you spend a good amount of time outdoors in the sun, these acne treatments can cause your skin to breakout even worse than before.
So what is a concerned mother supposed to do to help her teen sons not have so much acne that they grow their hair wicked long so people don't see all of the pimples on their foreheads, cheeks, and chins?

I feel terrible for Sebastian right now, he's having a wicked breakout and he's super embarrassed, and nothing that we've tried has really helped him at all, but I don't want to buy him something that his skin will get hooked on and make him look worse if he stops using it.
Because that is what teens do, they will use it until their skin gets cleared up, once it is, they stop using it, and then they breakout even more than before because the skin got so used to the product.

*sigh*

Mark was not in the mood today to talk anymore about school and getting his online degree, but I went and kept looking around anyway. I
 found that he could get an online IT degree, and a bachelors or master in IT security, if he wants to.
I also found that WGU, Western Governors University, is extremely affordable and offers financial aid as well.
Basic tuition for most of their programs is just $2,890 per six-month term.
They charge a flat every 6 months so that you're paying for the time, not the credit hours.
WGU is also a non-profit, and generally more affordable than other online universities, and  it's a fully accredited online university too.

It's another option for Mark, I just keep looking because there will be one that he wants to go to, he will make up his mind eventually.
He's accepted the way his life is, now he just needs to make up his mind how he wants to proceed and what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

I've been trying to help Mark with his plans for the future for months now, and it always feels like we get just a little bit further along in deciding what he'll go to school for, and then we take not just 3 steps back, but more like 10 steps back.
We've talked about maybe going for fire service training before, about getting a masters in public safety administration, or maybe he can go for an online Master of Arts in Organizational Leadership for fire service management.

I emailed him the link to Lewis University which is an online accredited school, sent him links to several of their classes to work toward getting an online Bachelor of Arts in fire service training.
A Bachelor of Arts in fire service training would give him the skills and information necessary to become a supervisor, train officers, train forest fire fighters, fire inspectors, and fire investigators.

Like I said, I get pretty far along, so so I think, I get him talking about it, excited about it, I get him reading up on it, and I encourage him like a mad woman, to give this some serious consideration.
But then just a few days later, he's no longer interested, and when I ask him what's up, he tells me that all of his life, he's had his heart set on being a police officer, a cop out on the streets, a beat cop.
He wants to wear the blues and badge, he wants to be out there walking down the street, talking to people, helping people, making himself a proud, welcomed, and trusted part of the community that he lives and works in.
He says that he knows that he can never be a beat cop, he knows this in his head, he knows this in his heart, he knows that he has to find something else to do, and he knows that there are so so many ways that he can be a proud, welcomed, and trusted part of the community in some other way by being a crime scene investigator, a forensic investigator, a fire investigator or inspector, something else, but still a huge an integral part of the serve and protect community in which he lives, but he also knows that it's not what he's always wanted to be and he's so very upset about it.
He's sad, hurt, angry, and terribly disappointed that his lifelong dream is over.

It breaks my heart so so much to know this, to know that he's not happy and unable to live his dream job.
I've always told the boys since they were very little that I didn't want them to live the kind of life that I did, working whatever job was out there that I could get hired at, just to pay the bills.
I didn't want them to just work "some job" to pay the bills and live paycheck to paycheck like I did.
I told them to find not a job, but to pick a career, to find something that they absolutely love to do, would be proud to do, and would be excited about doing every single day for the rest of their lives.
Mark had that, he had his dream career all picked out, all planned out, he's been excited about being a cop since he was little, and now he can't.
When I tell you that he had it all planned out, I really mean it, he had it all planned out.
he knew what kinds of classes would be best to take in high school, he knew exactly what kind of courses to take in college, he knew what time of year was the best time of year to apply at the police academy, he knew what teachers at the State College of Florida (formerly MCC, Manatee Community College) were the best teachers to have and talk to about the police academy, which teachers would write recommendations, and he already had 7 people who had agreed to write him glowing recommendations to help him get into the police academy.
He had police officers, former police officers, teachers, personal references, and even a judge who he met through his Big, George, who he spent over an hour talking to one night at a party at George's house for the holidays.

He had it all planned and worked out, he was excited about his future, and it was all taken away from him in one fell swoop of bad genes.
It's so heartbreaking trying to help him plan his future all over again, try to get him excited about a new career path for his life.
I try to get him talking about it as often as I can so that he doesn't just give up on it, give up on having a career that he can do and love just as much as he wanted and loved the idea of being a cop.
I will NOT give up on it, I will NOT give up on him, but at times it's devastatingly heartbreaking to hear him talk about what he wanted to be and do with his life, and hear the passion in his tone of voice.
He still has the passion, it's still there, I just need to help him place that passion into something new, and it's incredibly difficult for me because when I hear that passion, that want, that desire to be a beat cop and hear his voice crumble when he talks about how he can never be a beat cop, I just want to burst into tears.

I was very fortunate to receive an Acu-Life Thera Pod soothing 2-in-1 therapy heating and cooling pad for my review.
I received it free of charge in exchange for my honest opinion of the product.




The Acu-Life Thera Pod provides both moist heat and cold therapy to help facilitate healing of sore and tired muscles, aches and sprains, and even migraines.

For moist heat therapy, you remove the cold pack from the Thera Pod and place it in the freezer, and place the Thera Pod on a microwave safe plate, microwave for just 1 minute, and then you place it directly on the area that needs the moist heat.

It stays in place because it comes with an adjustable velcro strap.
So you can wear it on your lower back, arm, leg, shoulder, (like in the picture) knees, ankles, anywhere that you need to use moist heat or cold therapy.
 




For cold therapy, you insert the cold pack and wear it where you need to.
Moist heat helps with stiffness and flexibility, and cold therapy helps with inflammation and swelling.

All 3 of us have used the Acu-Life Thera Pod since getting it.
Sebastian has used the cold pack for his migraines, and both Mark and I have used it for our sore lower backs.
It really works well too.
Both Mark and I absolutely love the moist heat therapy,  just nuke it and wear it until it cools off, and by the time it has cooled off, our lower backs no longer hurt as bad, and we both had improved flexibility, we were able to bend over and stand up straight without the usual discomfort.
The other night when it was a bit chilly out and I was really hurting from the cold weather, I nuked it for 1 minute, strapped it around my lower back, and laid on the couch and watched a movie for 2 hours.
When the movie was over, my pain was drastically lessened and I was able to get off the couch without the stiffness that I usually have trying to get up off of the couch.

I've tried to use heating pads while lying on the couch before, but if you roll over or change position, the heating pad would move and I would have to readjust it over and over again.
With the Acu-Life Thera Pod, because it's strapped to my lower back, I was able to lay on the couch, change position as I needed to, roll over, and it moves with me, so it's perfect for laying down and soothing and relaxing my sore lower back.
I almost wish it was full back size, like big enough to strap around my entire back, because then it just might help with the freezing cold and stiffness from the titanium rods.
But wearing it on my lower back and laying on the couch with a blanket over me, it did help warm me up a bit on the inside, and it did help with the stiffness and pain in my lower back.

I really like the Acu-Life Thera Pod, it works very well, it can do both moist heat and cold therapy, and both are needed in soothing and relaxing sore and stiff muscles.
I'm very glad that I was given this product to try and review, I would have never known about it had I not been asked to give it a try. 

I'm really having a heck of a time lately.
A few things have gotten totally screwed up in the last 24 hours, 1 being that my doc called in another new med, (getting sick of the constant switching of meds) I can't go get it, really irritated about that but not much I can do, and then this morning, all of the lights went out in Sebastian's bedroom, and none of the outlets will work either.
So I went outside to the fuse box to flip the switch, and nothing happened, so I opened up the fuse panel to try and see if something was wrong with it, and that's when I saw that the fuse holders for that room were all loose, so I tried to wiggle them back in place, it seemed to go back in, so I closed the panel and flipped the switch again.
Nothing.
So I flipped it again.
Nothing.
So I came back in the house and checked the lights and outlets again, nope, no juice, so I called the landlord to ask him if he could come by and check it out, replace the burnt out fuse or the fuse holders, whichever is the cause, and he said he would try to get here today but he's really rather busy with work, so it may be tomorrow before he can get here.
Luckily, the washer and dryer, which are in that room, are on a different fuse, so at least I can do the laundry.
I'll be doing it in the dark, but at least it will be done.

I had my appointment with my pain doctor today and was able to get a medicine that works and my insurance, Humana, will pay for it.
Yay!
Because of the whole Purdue lawsuit, the pain med that I was taking, the oxycodone 40mg, is no longer available in the generic, and Human absolutely will not pay for the name brand, my doc had to switch me to a new med.
We tried a couple of different ones, none of them worked, and the last one, the methadone, caused me to be sick and also itch like freaking crazy, so he had to switch me again.
He personally called Humana to ask them if they would cover certain medications, and after talking to them for over an hour he said, he was finally able to find a pain med that will work and that Humana will cover.
He put me on Roxicodone 30mg, which is a short acting pain reliever, not an extended release like the Oxycodone 40mg, but it will kick in faster and work just as well for my pain as the 40s used to do.
Now I am on Soma 350, Hydrocodone 10/325, and the Roxicodone 30mg.
I only take the Soma at night to try and sleep, I take 2 of the Hydrocodone every 6 hours, and 1 of the Roxicodone every 4 hours.
This should work to help keep the majority of the pain away, and he said that if I end up having breakthrough pain that is intolerable, like when it rains and the titanium starts to hurt, that I can take either 2 more Hydrocodone or another Roxicodone every 4 hours until the pain goes away.

The doctor had a few more patients to see and my script for the Roxicodone had to be typed up and signed, so they told me to go home and come back to pick up the script after 2pm, so I left and went to hang out with my friends who gave me a ride at their house until it was ready because I live across town and they live close to the doctor's office.
We would have wasted a ton of gas bringing me home, them going home, coming back to pick me up, back to the office, and then to the pharmacy, and back home again.
So after 2pm, we went to the office and then to the pharmacy to get all of the scripts filled, and they were having issues with their computers and stuff so they were unable to accept credit cards, so I had to go to the gas station and use the ATM to get money to pay for my scripts which sucked because the ATM at the gas station charges a $3.00 fee to use it.
I hate that, but by the time we got back to the pharmacy, they had all of my scripts filled and ready to go, so I paid and we left to come back home.
We all hung out here for a bit and then they had to go, but they're coming back later tonight to watch movies and eat pizza and hang out for awhile.
I'm totally ok with that, so I'm going to get up off of here and go do some general cleaning around the house until they come back.
I hate having people come over when my house is dirty.
The litter boxes most definitely have to be cleaned.
Egads those damn cats sure do pee and poop a lot!
Later days!

It may not be an industrial computer, but I finally (been thinking about buying 1 since school started up back in August) ordered the netbook that I've been wanting to get for Sebastian, and I have been talking about it on my other blog, and debating with myself for months and months and months.
YAY!!!
I Twittered about getting the really awesome deal that I got thanks to Verizon, I mean, really, it's a totally sweet deal, how could I not publicly thank them?

The netbook is actually a really great one for the price.
HP Mini 110 series

• • Black Swirl
• • Genuine Windows XP Home with Service Pack 3
• • Intel(R) Atom(TM) Processor N270 (1.60GHz, 512KB L2, 533Mhz FSB)
• • 1GB DDR2 System Memory (1 Dimm)
• • 160GB 5400RPM SATA Hard Drive
• • Intel(R) Graphics Media Accelerator 950 with a 5-in-1 Digital Media slot
• • 10.1" diagonal WSVGA LED Anti-glare Widescreen Display (1024 x 600)
• • HP Mini Webcam with HP Imprint Finish (Swirl)
• • Wireless-G Card
• • HP Color Matching Keyboard
• • 3 Cell Lithium Ion Battery
• • Microsoft(R) Works 9.0

When I got Fios installed back in July, Verizon told me that in 3 months, if I paid the bill on time and in full for those first 3 months, I would receive a gift certificate for $299.00 to buy anything that I wanted from a certain website, so my gift certificate came about a month ago, and I finally used it tonight.
The netbook's price was exactly $299.00, and then I bought a mouse and a carrying case for it.
The mouse was $12.79, the case was, $11.99, they had 20% off of them individually, not 20% off if I bought both together, but 20% off of them by themselves, and then I had to pay for shipping for all 3 items.
The subtotal was $324.77, shipping was $19.00, Florida tax was 24.07, making the grand total $367.84.
The $299.00 gift certificate was applied and so I only had to pay $67.85 in total.
I LOVE an awesome bargain like this!
W00t!! W00t!!


Today like around 9am or so, I am going to go to the pharmacy and pick up the scripts that are waiting for me, then go do the grocery shopping, and then tomorrow, I get to go see my other doctor and tell him about the issues that I am having with my feet and hope that it isn't diabetic neuropathy, because if it is, I know that he's going to put me on insulin and I don't want to be on insulin.
I don't have a problem with needles, no problem with needles at all.
It's that having to take insulin will further restrict me and what little freedom I have left.
Because of all of the health issues that I have right now, I am truly a prisoner in my own home because of my own freaking messed-up body.
Having to take insulin will just make me even more of a prisoner.
I know that calling myself a prisoner isn't good, but it's how I feel, my life is so restricted, I can hardly do anything because of the constant pain that I am in, being forced to watch myself, test my blood sugars constantly, will just make that feeling even stronger.
It sucks.

I'm so tired, so so tired.
Every single day is a struggle, things just coming and going at me, arguing with the teens, trying to get help so we can cope with it as a family, try to heal this family of mine that started falling apart months ago.
I lost control of my life months ago.
I know when it happened, I know exactly when it happened, I was severely depressed, not talking to anyone about it, just leaving it all sit in there because I didn't want to be seen as weak.
But I am weak and I need to stop and ask for help every now and then.
It's ok to ask for help.
And some one of these days when I get that break that I need, I'm going to get away from here, go on a vacation, go to some new state and have a real vacation.
No computers, cell only for emergency calls, just me and the teens, or me and my best friend Shell.
Then the 2 of us could just take off for like a week, just be girls again, not employees, not moms, not housekeepers, cooks, cleaners, but just be girls.
Go some place beautiful and peaceful like South Carolina and stay at one of the many Myrtle Beach hotels.
I just have so many things going on, I'm carrying like 20 plates and they are all full and terribly heavy.
I'm struggling here, just struggling to even put a coherent thought together for more than 5 minutes.
Hell, it took me over 20 minutes to just write this one post
I'm just flapping around like a goldfish that got dropped on land, struggling to breathe, fighting to stay alive, and it will either die or someone will pick it up and put it back in the aquarium bowl.
I feel like that goldfish, I need someone to pick me up and carry me at least half of the way.
I'm so tired, there are days that my life is just too much for me to handle, I want to just quit, go back in time and fix all of this crap before it ever even started.

I just don't know where my life is heading anymore, I just feel like I don't know anything about myself anymore.
Once upon a time, I was strong, both physically and emotionally, and now I feel like I'm just a big pile of mush. 

I am still fuming mad at the counselor that we are trying to see, trying to get some help from because we all need to speak to someone outside of our situation so we can try to heal our fractured family.
She had made an appointment with me and then showed up really late and acted like it was no big deal because hey, I'm disabled and never go anywhere, so why should it matter if she's late, that's pretty much what she said, I posted what she said in the link up there to my other blog.
So we've now made a new appointment for tomorrow afternoon, the same time as our appointment on Thursday last week.
If she's late or calls me and says she's going to be late, I am going to tell her that I will be going with someone else.
She needs to be professional about this, it does not matter if I'm disabled and always home, an appointment is an appointment no matter what the situation is, and when using a counselor, you have to have trust, you're telling the counselor private family issues, and if you can't trust them to even be on time, then how I am supposed to trust them with our family's issues?

I cleaned the house really good for that appointment too, but it's now gotten dirty in here again.
I need to open up the vac and see where the clog is so I can get it cleaned out and running again so I can vac the rug.
I really hope that it's just a clog and not the central vacuum motor burnt out or something like that.
That would totally suck if the motor is burnt out and that's why it's not sucking like it should be.
I am so really hoping that it's just a clog.
Please let it be just a clog.

I'm sitting here right now with the front door open allowing the cool night air to come in.
It's not really cool, like up north Maine cool, but it's very nice outside right now.
It's currently 69degrees, that's awesome, I LOVE it!
By next Monday and Tuesday, the nightly temps will be down to 59/58 degrees.
I can't wait!

I really can't wait for December through the end of February.
That's when the daily temps are going to be mid-60's, and the nightly temps in the low 40's.
I love that kind of weather, it's perfect for me, but the teens get cold at night.
They have lived here since they were little kids, so their bodies are totally adjusted to the weather and they get cold in the winter.
I already dug out the portable electric heater and cleaned it all off, dusted it, dusted the coils and the fan blades, and wiped it all down so it will be ready for use on those nights when the teens say they are cold.
The only thing I have left to do to it is to wash out the furnace filters under the tap in the bathtub. It has the same kind of small thin filter that my AC unit does, it's just a small, well 2 small thin filters that you just rinse out, flap dry, and put it back in.
I usually set it up in the dining room and aim it towards the center of the house, towards their bedrooms, and I close my bedroom door so the heat bounces back and just heats up the back part of the house where their rooms are.
I don't sleep in my bed much, I rarely sleep, but if I do sleep in my room in the winter, I sleep with the door closed anyway.
My room stays cold if I keep the door closed, I don't like sleeping with all of the heat that the heater blows, way too warm for me.

No no, we have food, I just can't eat anything.
Between not feeling right, (I'm feeling all weird-ish so I can't eat) and stressing out and feeling bad over Mark's situation, I just have no appetite.
I have weight loss pills, some new ones, just a small sample pack the doc gave me, but I haven't needed to take any at all since he gave them to me.
I just haven't felt like eating much of anything in a few weeks now, so I've definitely lost weight, but I also know that not eating properly is bad for me.
I'm sure that I'll get my appetite back, don't know when, but when I do get it back, I know that I'll pig out on some Ben & Jerry's Phish Food.
Man, I love that stuff, I could eat it by the gallon.

I absolutely hate being sick, it sucks for everyone of course, but ever since having spine fusion surgeries, getting sick is absolutely freaking miserable.
I'm pretty sure that Sebastian has the flu, or something resembling the flu.
He's had a high fever since late Friday night, he's been exhausted, achy from head to toe, no appetite at all, and just plain miserable feeling and miserable to be around.
I started to feel like crap on Saturday afternoon, I blew it off at first, blamed it on my back, but by nighttime, I felt like he did and I had a fever to boot.
My fever seems to have gone, so maybe I don't have what he has, (because he still has a fever as of bedtime) but for the entire day on Sunday, I was downright horrible.
I had a massive migraine, my entire body hurt, I was coughing a little bit, my nose was a bit stuffed up, and I didn't want to eat anything at all, not even look at food.
Mark went and bought him and Sebastian some subs from Publix for dinner, Sebastian only ate half of a half of it before puking that up, and just smelling their subs made me puke.
3 times.
I felt so freaking horrible, felt like I was going to die at any minute, that once I started feeling like I could sit up, I went to one of those get free instant life insurance quotes here websites.
I still have not bought any life insurance.
I talk about getting it all of the time, I've even made quite a few phone calls to insurance companies about it, but I just have never actually taken the time to buy it.
I know that I need it, I know that it is something that I absolutely have to have for my sons in case something bad happens to me, but buying it just freaks me out.
I don't know, it's like if I actually purchase a life insurance package, it's like I'm going to jinx myself or something.
I don't believe in jinxes and stuff, but a part of my brain says 'if you buy life insurance, you are going to die much quicker than you wanted to/plan to, like tomorrow.'
Seriously, my brain gets all stupid like, I just start thinking completely irrational.
I know that buying it is not going to cause me to die soon, but that's how my brain reacts.
Totally stupid huh?
I know it is, I know it's stupid, but I can't help it.
I know I can't be the only one who thinks totally crazy stuff like this, or am I?

My friend Christine sent me a Tweet last night about identity theft of students, it was an article on her local Boston news website that was all about the theft of students ID, their social security numbers and other information.

It's back to school time, but there's more to be nervous about than missing the bus. Children can have their identities stolen years before they could legally sign up for a credit card or take out a loan.

I then sent her a link to the ID theft of my kids, as well as thousands of other Sarasota children, not just high schoolers according to my friend Mindy, but ALL of Sarasota school district students.
Trying to protect our kid's ID is getting harder and harder, made even harder by a school district that willingly sent all of their personal information to a website that posted that information publicly for who knows how long.
One of the possible settlement agreements will be to provide identity theft protection monitoring for any students whose ID was stolen and compromised by the school and the website that posted the information, for up to 2 years after the theft was done, and to clear the student's credit reports of all the bad information.

I am still in shock that it happened at all, and I totally blame the school district for it.
There's a major class action lawsuit going on right now because of this, thousands of students information was posted publicly, anyone could have gotten access to it, and trying to clear up and bad credit by ourselves would be impossible to do.
I am really hoping that our side wins the suit and the school district and that website, have to fix every single one of the thousands of students bad credit reports for the next few years.

I have always made sure to keep the teens social security cards private, I don't give that info out to just anybody, and when someone asks for it, I always ask why they need it.
If they don't have a good reason, they don't get it, and so to have that information posted publicly and know that anyone could have taken it, makes me mad as hell.
I am so glad that someone caught it and the suit is being pursued, our kids futures is at stake here, their ability to buy a home or even get a job, is at risk because someone allowed all of that personal information to be posted.
I am absolutely furious that it happened.  

Monday was just one of those days, the kind of day that makes you just want to rip your hair out and start shooting people.
I hadn't gotten any sleep since like a few hours on Friday, my period started, I pulled a muscle in my right side lower back, and things were happening that just made the whole day even more miserable.
Things started to go wrong on Sunday about mid-day, and just progressively got worse from there on out.
I had to spend the whole day dealing with those things that had started to go south on Sunday, and then I had to deal with other people complaining about that and other things, all of the day on Monday.
It's a job and I do my job, but man, some people seem to forget that I have a life outside of that job, and that nowhere in my job description does it say that I am allowed to be verbally abused and treated like garbage.
My job is to answer questions that I can, that I have the answers to, and to help with the work that we do if I can.
I answered the same questions repeatedly, for the same person, for 3 hours on Monday afternoon.
I just kept repeating the same answers because the same questions were being asked repeatedly, just in different ways.
 
The person was really aggravated with some things, and it is my opinion, that I took the brunt of this person's anger and frustration simply because I was there, because it's my job to help and answer questions, because it's what I am supposed to do, but taking anger and frustration out on me is not ok, that's not part of my job description at all.
But I took it, I dealt with it, I simply kept repeating the answers that I knew in the most polite way that I could.
And I was polite, I was cordial, I just kept trying to help the person with their issues, tried to help them understand why things are a certain way, and they just kept getting angrier, my answers were not good enough, but even when I explained how they could get the answers they wanted from the only people that could give them those answers, they just continued to get angry because they wanted those answers now, from me, and I am not capable of giving those answers.
I really felt like I was being stepped on because I was there, available, someone to dump on.
I even said a few times that I needed to log out, that I needed to go make dinner for my kids, they just kept going.

When I was finally able to log out, I had to rush to get dinner going, and I was washing a spatula in the sink, didn't see the big carving knife, and I cut my left index finger.
It kept bleeding and bleeding, 3 bandaids couldn't stop it, and I didn't feel like going to the ER for stitches, so I superglued it.

People need to realize that I was asked to do it because I paid attention from day 1, and I have an excellent memory for pieces of information, I'd be great on Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit.
I can recall an exact bit of information or a message and approximately when it came out, and people are able to find that message in the system during the time frame and title that I gave them.
Keeping me tied up for 3 hours to have someone to yell at, is really, truly, not fucking ok.
I'm not a punching bag, I'm not the one you can yell at, but come on, we all know that when given the opportunity to yell at the people that are the intended targets of this hostility and anger, instead of yelling, it all ass kissing and brown nosing.
There's a ton of "You're so awesome Txxx!" and "This company rocks!" and "I love you guys!"
No one ever actually tells them the thingscomplaints that get said to me in the way that they are said to me, because the people who complain with their left hand, and ass kiss with their right hand, don't want to get fired from this job.
I see it every single day on the forums.
Complain, bitch, moan, repeat until the owner shows up, and then suddenly it's all thank yous, and I love yous, and all kinds of assorted ass kissing.
They leave, and it's right back to complaining again.

Some of them have one face that they show to the boss and everyone else on the forums, and one that they only show in private messages to me.
The one on the forums is all nice and sweet, polite, kind, trying to be helpful, and the other that they show to me in private messages when they feel like complaining, is a really mean, nasty, angry and frustrated face with anger lines instead of laugh lines.

I'll tell you what though, I'm really tired of being dumped on like that.
My job is to answer the questions that I have the answers to, and to help with things people need help with, that's it.
I am not the one that anyone is allowed to just pour out all of their anger and frustrations on.
I am not the doormat or the punching bag, I am the one who takes time out of my days and nights, out of my life, to help other people and answer questions.

I do have a life ya know.
Yeah, it may not be a glamorous one, it may not even be one where I am going out with friends all of the time living it up, but I do have a very busy and hectic, very stressful life.
I have a ton of pretty major health issues, and now I have a son who I have given some of those health issues to as a genetic gift.
I have my own doctor appointments every month, and now I have to schedule his in-between mine. 
I had to cancel his MRI on Monday at the last minute because our ride had an issue with his car,  we were outside waiting for him to show, and he called my cell to tell me the car was dead, dead battery or something, wouldn't turn over, so I had to come in and cancel it.  a
And now I have to reschedule it when I can find another ride or come up with the $15 each way to take a cab.

I'll probably end up doing that on payday this week once I see how much pay I'm going to have.
I lost a lot of work this past week due to my son's medical appointments, and my own ear infection last week, and because I spent a great deal of time helping people, doing my job.
I was busy helping people, the system flipped over to the next time period or whatever it is that it does, and all of the work I had, completely vanished.

I spend so much time, like I did on Sunday and Monday, on the work forums helping other people and answering questions, that I have to scramble and race to get my own work done on time.
I highly doubt that anyone even thinks of that, as a matter of fact, I'm like 99.9% positive that nobody thinks that I have my own work to do, so it's not a big deal to them to keep me there asking question after question, or like today, keeping me there to have someone to yell at for 3 freaking hours.
There's only 3 people who know that I have my own work to do and that I end up racing to get it done almost every single payroll period.

I mean would you just look at the freaking time that I made this post?!
I spent almost all day Sunday on the work forums, I spent almost all day on Monday on the work forums, minus the time mid-morning on Monday that I took a shower, made Mark take a shower, and then waited for our ride that eventually couldn't make it, all of the while going through medical documents to make sure that I have everything, filled everything out, crossed every 't', dotted every 'i', and signed by him because he's now 18 and considered an adult, legally old enough to deal with his own medical procedures, yet he doesn't have the slightest clue what any of those papers say, so I have to go through everything with him and get him to understand it all and then sign his name, and all of the while I'm doing all of that and waiting for our ride, I still kept hopping on the work forums to help people.
And because of how things went on Sunday and Monday dealing with an issue that everyone was having, and then dealing with that 1 person for 3 hours on Monday, I never got to post to either of my blogs until now, almost 5am on Tuesday.
It's extremely frustrating.
 
Please don't anyone mistake this as me hating my job and maybe I shouldn't do it anymore, don't even think that, not even for 1 stinking second!
I LOVE my job, I LOVE what I do, I LOVE helping other people, it is soooo gratifying, it gives me a sense of purpose, it makes me feel like I'm doing something good for others.
But when people take what I do for granted, or treat me bad, or speak to me so dis-respectively, it really hurts.
I give of my time, my life, to help other people every single day for hours and hours and hours, so to have someone spend a lot of time, my time, talking to me negatively because they are upset about something else, or at someone else, or yelling at me for things which I have absolutely no control over or any power to do anything about, really, really sucks.
And it hurts, it hurts a lot.

I think people just assume that because I am a disabled stay at home mom who does this job, that I must have no life and nothing to do, so they totally take advantage of me, they take advantage of my time like it's not a big deal, they rarely ever say please when asking for help, and they like never say thank you when the help has been provided. 
Not too many others say thank you for the help either, it's like manners don't exist anymore.
If someone helps you, say thank you, if you need help, say please when asking, and try not to be a total jerk-face to the person who's trying to help you.

If you're mad about something or mad at someone, try really super duper hard to NOT take it out of the person who has been helping you as much as they possibly can.
Try to remember that they are not the reason that you are so angry and frustrated.
Try to remember that they have a life too, but they are helping you because it's a good thing to do, because helping your fellow man is the right thing to do.
It feels good to help someone who needs help, it feels really good, but when you don't get a please before or at the start, and a thank you after, or if the during the time you are helping them, they are being a snarky freaking jerk to you, it can totally drain all of the good feelings that you had and instantly make you feel hurt, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, betrayed, upset, and stressed out.
But mostly, you just feel bad inside, and taken advantage of, used as someone's emotional punching bag, and that feeling sucks the big time.

I felt that way on Monday night, I felt that way while it was happening, I felt that way when it finally ended, and I have felt that way all night Monday and now here it is Tuesday morning at 5:30am,  (I started posting this at about 4am Tuesday) and I still feel totally beaten down and drained from that whole thing, I feel like an emotional punching bag that totally got the stuffing just kicked and punched right out of it.
In other words, I still feel terrible.

That whole thing made me cry to be totally honest about it.
I did my best, I gave up 3 hours of my time and life, I looked for answers, sorted through my emails, through threads and posts, I did everything that I could to help that person, and they still kept coming at me with some hard left hooks and some painful right uppercuts.
It really is so not ok to take out your anger and frustration that you have for someone else on the person helping you.
It's just not.

*Raises can of cold Diet Coke*
Here's to hoping that Tuesday is a much better day.

All of that stuff that was going on with me and my family a few months back now, is still on our families stage.
Instead of being front and center like it was, it's now just hanging out somewhere stage left.

Mark and I had a long talk on Thursday afternoon, that's why I haven't been around much during the daytime hours recently, not posting to my blogs during the day, only hopping on and off of Twitter every few hours and stuff.
Mark and I, had a long talk about his upcoming MRI on Monday afternoon.
He's really starting to get worried.
Not about the MRI itself, but the results.
He said that if the results say that it's bad and that he will definitely be needing surgery when he's older, he asked if he can tell the doctor to just do the surgery now, while he's young.
I said that of course he can tell the doctor he wants to do it now, but that doesn't mean that the doctor will, but he has every right to make his own medical decisions now, he's legally an adult.

He said that after watching me go through the spine fusion surgeries in my mid 30's, and watching George have spine fusion in his late 50's, after watching the 2 of us suffer through the surgeries, the recoveries, and watching us still be in pain (even years later in my case, George had his surgery just 9 months ago) that he does not, under any circumstance, want to have his surgery in middle age, when the body takes longer to heal, when the body is actually starting to decline in health, he does not want that kind of life for himself, and he does not want his children to have to go through what he and Sebastian have had to go through.
He said that it wasn't my fault, he doesn't blame me for anything, but it really sucks being a kid and having to deal with all of this stuff for the last 10 years of their lives.
 
He also said that after he has his spine fused, after he's recovered as much as his body will recover, that he wants to go to drug rehab and get off of all of the pain medicines while he's young.
He said that he does not want to be like George and I, having to take pain pills every single day for the rest of his life like we have to.
He said that he believes that the reason we are in so much pain, the reason that our surgeries didn't go so well, the reason that we are still suffering, is because the surgeons waited too long to do it, that if it had been done while we were younger, our lives would be so much different.

I really can't argue with him there.
I have often tried to imagine what my life would be like if the doctors had taken better care of me when I was young and first diagnosed with scoliosis.
I know that back in the early 80's when I was diagnosed, that they were using Harrington rods, and I know that those rods failed after about 10-15 years, but dammit, I would have had 10-15 years of being straight before the rods gave out and needed to be replaced, and when they did, the new titanium rods that I have now, would have been developed and doctors would have begun using them by then.
I would have been ok.
I wouldn't have started suffering from the excruciating backaches and burning pain that has  plagued me every single day since I was 19 years old.

Do you have any idea what it has been like to be in pain every single day for 20 years?
There has not been a single day since I was 19, that I've not had pain.
I honestly don't know what it feels like to not have pain, I can't remember what no pain feels like.
 
Maybe if those damn doctors had done their job and fixed me when I was younger, when I was a teenager, fixed me like another girl in my high school class was,  that I wouldn't have become disabled at the age of 31.
At age 31, I was told by 3 orthopedic surgeons and 2 neurosurgeons, that my body couldn't handle the stress anymore, that if I continued to work, continued to put any kind of physical stress on my body any harder than walking at a slow pace, that I would be in a wheelchair within 5 years, and instead of doing spine fusion surgery, they would have been amputating my left leg at the pelvis due to the extensive and non-repairable nerve and blood vessel damage that was running from my lower back all of the way down into my left leg and all of the way to my toes.

All 5 of those surgeons wrote letters to SSDI and told them that I could never work again, and I made and kept copies of all of the letters that every single one of the 21 surgeons and specialists that I saw beginning in July 1998, all the way up until I met my surgeon in November 2005.
I have all of my own medical records, I had to pay to get copies of some of them, but after going from surgeon to surgeon so many times, I just started making my own medical records to bring with me to meet the new surgeons so that time wouldn't be wasted waiting  for my records to be sent over to another new surgeon time after time.

It took from April 2001 to December 2005, to get approved for SSDI.
They denied me twice even with an attorney, and that's when I asked each of the 21 surgeons who treated me to write a letter to SSDI explaining how bad my condition was, and they all agreed to do it, they all wrote letters and sent them to my attorney, and almost all of them included their original notes from during the time they treated me and then had to send me to another doctor who "might" have been able to help me.
I really think it was those letters that finally got me approved.

I went off there eh?
Sorry, didn't mean to, it's just that period of time in my life was not only physically challenging, but emotionally challenging.
I wanted to give up fighting every single day, but then I'd look at my boys, and just keep on fighting.

Mark is a fighter, he will fight to get whatever needs to be done, done, but done his way, when he says so, not when a doctor says so.
He does not want to be middle-aged and fighting a battle everyday to just walk from the bed to the couch.
He doesn't want to put his kids through this either.
I asked him if he was really planning on having kids and he said that he was, at least 2 he said.
Then he told me that I need to make my body as strong as I can because the "Gram" is always the kids favorite babysitter.
Ha ha
I said I would do my best, but for now, let's just get through doc appointments and hurricane season, we can talk about me being a grandmother later.
Muuuucch later. 

Ha ha ha!
I was just saying to a friend in email that if I believed in all of that past life stuff and karma, I would say that I was a serial killer or something really wicked bad in a previous life because I am sooo being punished in this one.

My AC died for the 3rd time in 2 years on Sunday, I got a wicked bad ear infection on Thursday and am just now really starting to feel better, and when I woke up this afternoon after not being able to even fall asleep until around 9am this morning, I realized that I lost a freaking filling.

When my sons went out to dinner with their aunt, I had them stop at Walgreen's and get me some Dentemp so I could put that in the giant and gaping hole in my way back right side molar.
I can deal with a lost filling, at least it's not as bad as when I was a kid and got smacked in the mouth by the seat from the swing sets at the school playground, and totally broke my right FRONT tooth.
Yeah, I ended up having to have a cap put on it, and that cap lasted me from the age of 11 up until about 8 years ago when it finally fell off.
I haven't had the money to have that fixed, there's no way that I can afford it.
I asked a dentist about 5 years ago when I was having a tooth pulled how much it would cost to repair that, and he told me that I was looking at about $1,000.
Yeah, I just really do not have that kind of money to spend on 1 thing, a tooth.
1 grand can pay all of my monthly bills and buy groceries for 2 weeks, so yeah, getting my front tooth fixed is not going to happen any time soon unless I win the lottery.
But you gotta play to win, and sorry, I just can't even spare $1 for a single ticket these days.

I'm seriously sick and tired of cleaning, of trying to stay on top of the house cleaning, it sucks.
If I am down for a day or 2 in pain and not feeling well like I was this past weekend, the house seems to fall apart.
Both of the kitchen sinks are full to the top with dishes, and I didn't dirty any of them!
I just don't understand how the teens can make such a big mess, how the heck do they do it?!
There's about 20 dirty drinking cups, all of the silverware is dirty, bowls, the paper plate holders, it's like every single dish and utensil I own is in the sink and I didn't put them in there!
I barely ate anything at all this weekend, so someone please tell me how the heck 2 teenage boys could have used every single bowl, plate, cup and utensil in this house in just 2 days?!
I need to be able to work more, make way more money so that I can afford to have someone come clean the house and do my dishes like 2 days a week.
That would be freaking awesome to have the house super clean for at least 2 out of the 7 days a week.

The city has officially blocked me in, no cars are allowed to drive over it for the next 4 days.
It's things like this that make me kinda glad that I don't own a car right now, I'd need to have the best auto insurance right now because of all of the crap from the construction laying around everywhere.
There's dirt, rocks, cement, tractors, crowbars, all kinds of crazy equipment just laying on the sides of the roads, and people are driving up and down the street all day long getting rock dings in their paint and windshields.
It's crazy out there.
They have my whole driveway dug up right now, and then tomorrow they are pouring the concrete, and then it will be a total of 3 more days before anyone can drive or walk on it.

I posted about the class action suit against the school district and the Princeton Review on my other blog, and I'm still fuming about it.
I will be so freaking mad if the teen's credit is ruined because of them forcing the students to put all of their info on that site, and it wasn't just the high school students either.
According to Mindy, ALL of the kids in the district had this done because her little girl Katie's info was posted there too.
They got letters for both Katie and Jeff as well.
One of the settlements if it settles, will be 2-3 years of identity theft protection for any student whose credit got destroyed or their identities stolen and used.
I personally don't think that's enough.
I really believe that if anyone got their identities stolen and their credit destroyed, that they should get some type of monetary compensation as well.
It takes years and years to clean up your credit once someone steals it, credit monitoring isn't enough in my opinion.

Another long, long night/day with no sleep again, and now I have a headache.
The headache is not due to not sleeping, it's due to stress.
Stress over how Sebastian is doing at school today, I'll find out in like 10 minutes, stress over washing all of Mark's bed sheets/blankets, and his back, I need to call the doctor about that tomorrow.
Mark is having a ton of back pain lately, and I feel terrible about it.
All of the spine issues that I have, are all genetic, they can all be handed down, passed on to children, and I'm so afraid that Mark got one of the things, or what if he got all of them?
Something is seriously wrong with his back, he's in pain almost every single day for hours at a time, and I'm so afraid that I passed onto him one of my spine deformities/issues.
I don't want either of them to have to go through even a quarter of what I've been through with my back all of these years.
I feel helpless, I can't help him until I know exactly what is wrong, but what if it's something super serious and they think surgery will fix it?
And what if surgery doesn't fix it?
I'm really afraid that he ended up with one of the bad issues, one of the painful for life issues.
About age 18 is when I started feeling the pain in my back all of the time, that's when I started taking Tylenol like I owned stock in the company, seeing chiropractors, sleeping on heating pads, and having all kinds of back massagers and stuff, all of those things that I tried to relieve the pain, and none of it worked, nothing worked for years, and I ended up so bad that I had to have surgery, and then another, and here I am, still in pain.
Please don't let him have any of my issues, please don't let anything have been passed onto him.

That's making myself pretty, not petrifying myself..LoL
As I said, Sebastian and I have to be at the high school at 8am for orientation and a tour of the new building, and I've had insomnia again, so I decided to do some beauty stuff to make myself look a little better.
I found another box of hair color that I must have bought quite awhile ago, (found it in my bedroom IN my dresser drawer) checked the expiration date, it was still good, so I'm sitting here right now with some hair color in and playing on the internet, Twitter mostly.
By the time it's ready to be rinsed out, (40 minutes) it will be time for me to take the shower that I needed to anyway, so I'll hop in, let some water soak my hair, lather it all up and let it sit for a minute, then rinse it completely out, add the conditioner in and let that stay on for the whole rest of my shower, then rinse it all out.
It will be beautificent looking again!

I'm also going to throw some Veet on my legs so that I can wear my nice dress shorts and not be a hairy beast. (Shh, don't tell anyone, but I haven't shaved my legs in almost 2 weeks!!)
I did the laundry yesterday evening so I will have my nice black dress shirt to wear too.
Heck, I may even throw on some earrings and a necklace, maybe even put my rings back on!
I haven't worn any jewelry (or makeup) at all since the last surgery in September.
The 1st reason was because the earrings I wanted to wear were dangles, and with my head tilted down like it is, they looked silly.
The second reason that I haven't worn any jewelry since then is that I didn't want to draw any attention to myself.
I hated the way that I looked so much, that I didn't want anyone to notice me, then notice that I couldn't move my head and start asking questions.
I didn't want to deal with other people talking about it because I couldn't deal with it at all.
I don't feel like that anymore, thank goodness, it was miserable being in that place that I was in for quite a long time.
I am finally feeling like myself again, I'm still stuck like this, but at least I am not so sad and depressed anymore.
I think the combo of antidepressants and the therapy is really working.
I only go once a week, I found some free transportation as long as I give them a couple of days notice, they get me there at no charge. I think they have some sort of mileage deal worked out with medicare or something, because after every trip, I have to sign a paper on their clipboard. The therapist is the one who gave me the number, so don't anyone worry, it's a safe ride with a total stranger every single time. Ha ha ha

Ok, in 15 minutes, I need to go rinse this hair color out and take a shower so I can go to that 3 hour long orientation on absolutely no sleep, but at least I will look pretty.
I hope the principal is there and sees me, she hates me, when she sees me coming, she quickly turns and practically sprints the other way to not have to talk to me. ha haha
I heard that this is her last year, that she's either retiring or moving to a different school.
Thank goodness for that too, she's a horrible principal who says 1 thing, and totally does another.
She knows the school board's policies on bullying and such, and she says that she enforces it, but she doesn't.
She turns away from things that happen right in front of her.
The teens used to come home every day and tell me about that days main attraction right outside the cafeteria which is directly across the hall from the main and her office, and the attraction was usually a fight, usually involving a weapon of some kind, and she'd ignore it, the teachers would ignore it, and the security team would be too busy stuffing their 300lb faces in the caf to notice it.
I really hope that this year is better in the new building that they said was partly designed for security reasons, so let's hope that it cuts down on the fighting, and if it doesn't, that they at least try to do something about it.
Sebastian won't have his big brother to walk with him and protect him at school for the 1st time in his life, so he's really nervous about it this year, said he's scared, there's so many bullies, he's always seeing kids get in fights.
I really am hoping that this year is better for him, he's my boy, I worry about him.   

This is a picture of one of my own rigged up home alarm systems.
It's actually one of those personal alarms, I guess you're supposed to carry it, but the extra piece that comes in the package with it is perfect for home security.

I have this one on the back door all of the time, we do not ever use the back door, so this one is always in place, and I test the battery every single month to make sure that the alarm is still as loud as it's supposed to be.


The way it is set up to work is that if someone tries to open the door or breaks the door in, that top wire you see in the picture, will come loose or out, and it makes the most deafening siren alarm sound you have ever heard in your life.




I warn the teens every month when I'm going to test the batteries so that they can plug their ears, it is that loud.

I think the noise alone would scare off an unwanted intruder, it is ear-bleeding loud, and if the door actually gets opened and that alarm sounds, every single one of my neighbors within a good 2 miles would hear that noise and know that something was going down at my house. Ha Ha

I also have one for the front door, and I put it in place every single night along with one of those hotel room door bar locks, and the regular deadbolt, as well as a 2x4 jammed up under the doorknob.
Being a single disabled mom, I want any possible intruders to make as much noise as possible so that it wakes all of us up, as well as half of my neighbors. Ha Ha
But I really think that if some idiot tried to break in, the noise from that alarm would send them running for their lives, it would be so obvious to them and everyone else that a home alarm had just been set off and that the police were probably already in route.
I keep both of my cell phones fully charged, one is on my night stand, the other is on Mark's night stand, and the police is set at speed dial #1.
I also sleep with a 2x4 next to my bed, and Mark sleeps with a metal baseball bat next to his.
We've never had anyone break in or even try, but you can never be too prepared for a home invasion in these times.
There's some crazy scary things going on out there folks.
Watching the nightly and morning news is starting to be even more frightening than some of the best horror movies ever made.
Desperate people are starting to do very desperate things.

Sebastian and I went to the store tonight after I got paid, dropped off my second prescription that I needed to pick up, and then bought some groceries and other things that I needed to get.
You know, the usual, toilet paper, cat food, food for us humans, and I had some coupons with me as I always try to do when I go shopping.
I had a coupon for $2.50 off 2 Dove Ultimate Go Fresh deodorants, and Publix had them on sale for just $2.29 each, so  it was $4.58 before the coupon, and just $2.08 after the coupon for 2 full size deodorants.
I chose 2 different scents because when we opened them to check them out, we instantly fell in love with how they smelled.

The Ultimate Go Fresh Energizing deodorant is absolutely fabulous smelling!
It is grapefruit and lemongrass scented, and OMG, it is so seriously the sweetest but softest smelling deodorant I have ever laid my nose upon.
Sebastian insisted that I buy that one, he said it smelled so good, that I should definitely get it, so I did.

The other one I chose is the Ultimate Go Fresh Cool Essentials, it's cucumber and green tea scented, and just like the other one, absolutely to die for scented!

The great thing about both of these deodorants, well the whole line of them, is that they stay on you, not on your clothes, they don't rub off on your shirt, it says so right on the lids, and I tested it after getting back home.
I put some on, one of each scent under each arm, rubbed my arms around a bit, and then took my shirt off and flipped it inside out.
Not a single spot of deodorant on the underarms of my black t-shirt.
That rocks!

These smell incredible, they are smooth rolling on, good for your skin, and provide 24-hours odor and wetness protection, so if you're the type who gets nervous easily, may have trouble speaking in public, sure, you could take a speech pill to help make talking to people easier, but using these new fabulously smelling and smooth deodorants, at least you won't be sweaty or smelly, people will actually comment on how great you smell.
I know this because after testing them both out, when I was in the kitchen making dinner, Mark came in to see what I was making, and he gave me a hug and said "Wow, Mom, you smell really great. Are you wearing a new perfume?"
I said nope, just new deodorant, and he was all wow, it smells awesome.
And they totally do.
So look for them at your local grocery or drug store, see if you can get them on a good sale price or use a coupon like I did, and you will be very pleasantly surprised by how awesome they are.
I can't hardly wait to shower every day and put on either of the new scents every day.
Wetness and odor protection, plus a really beautiful smell.
You can't beat that in a great deodorant product from a company that you can trust, and you can also print out coupons so that you can try them for a bit cheaper!

I was asked what my ideal cruise vacation would be, and honestly, I don't ever think I'll go on a cruise for a couple of reasons.
One reason being money.
Cruises are usually pretty expensive unless you get like a major discount or if they are running a special cruise adventure, and if you take the super cheap rooms which I hear are very small.
Not liking small spaces, I don't think I could do a small room, so yeah, I would need a wicked lot of money so that I could afford one of the big rooms like a suite, not an interior room.
Those are way too small.
The second reason being that I am absolutely terrified of drowning.
I am a terrible swimmer, and I've also watched one too many movies about cruise ships sinking.
Movies like Titanic and Poseidon.
Yeah, scary stuff so I have this major fear of taking cruises.
And I know, that's totally crazy thinking, you never ever hear about cruise ships sinking, it's the stuff in movies, not reality, so I don't know why I have this fear, but I do.

But if I had the money and if I could make sure that the particular ship I'd be on had never had any accidents, fires, or other mishaps out on the big blue and very deep sea, I would probably be ok going on one of those Caribbean cruises.


















I've heard some nice things about Half Moon cay, so maybe I'd go there, or stop there as one of the ports of call that they go to.
It looks really nice, quiet, peaceful, and goodness knows that I could really use some nice and quiet, and peaceful relaxing time away from everything that's going on in my life right now.
So yeah, maybe there.
I dunno, maybe someday I'll work up the money and the courage to go on a cruise.
We were planning one about 9 years ago, we were all going to try and go to Atlantis, but our plans fell through after an old roommate stole all of the change out of my 10 gallon water jug that I was saving all of my change in for our trip.
There was almost $1,000 in that jug, and he took it all.
He went in my room while I was at work, and took all of the money out and left me a note, an IOU for the money.
He counted it up, or used one of those change machines, so the IOU said that he owed me $987.56.
He never did pay me back.

I hear from friends all of the time how much fun cruises are, and they tell me that I'd love it once I got on the ship and we were going, once I started doing all of the fun things they have on board, and I bet that would, I love doing all that fun stuff.
So yeah, maybe someday when I have the money I'll go and take a cruise.
I am pretty sure that I would really love it.
I know I would, I just have to do it some one of these days. 

I took my 9th dose of Elavil tonight, and I think that it IS starting to work.
I am starting to not get as emotional as I have been over the last few months, and I know this because while Mark was playing his game, WoW, the person who is part of the problems I am currently having with my family, popped up in the private chat system and started talking to him about it again.
Mark knows that she is lying about what is going on, so he decided to test her, to see if she would lie again.
Mark had read the email from my parents that said if we go to Maine, that we are not welcome to stay with them at their house while we are there, that we can only visit for 1 day, it was my mother's words, her email sent to me, and he knows exactly what that email said,
so he wanted to see if she would lie about me/it again, and she did.

Mark asked her why Ninny and Pop-pop do not want us to stay with them, and she replied back that they never said that, that I am twisting my mother's words around.
Mark replied to her that he read my mother's email, that I did not twist anything around, that is what it said, and that they also said it to Sebastian when he called to ask why we couldn't stay with them.
She then told Mark that Sebastian is lying, that my parents never said that, but he hung up on them before they could finish what they were trying to tell him.
Mark then told her that wasn't true either, that he was listening to Sebastian on the phone, he heard his grandfather say that we could not stay when we visit, and that Sebastian did not hang up on them. Pop-pop said that he needed to go take a shower and then get ready for bed, Sebastian said ok, I love you, and Pop-pop said it back to him, that he loved him, and good-bye, Sebastian said good-bye, and they both hung up together.
She did not reply, so Mark asked if she got the message, she said yes, but still insisted that I twisted my parents words around and that Sebastian did hang up on them, and then she logged out of the game.

Mark called me into the room to tell me what just happened, and he was really angry that she lied again, and he wanted me to read their exchange.
I couldn't read the words on the screen, the font is too small and it's in pink, so he read it to me, his words to her, her words back, I followed along the screen the best that I could, and then he said he couldn't believe she just lied again, he was really hurt and really angry that she is lying, like super pissed off that she lied again.
Then he said that he was really sorry for doubting me about the lies that have been going on, that he wasn't sure who to believe, but now he saw it with his own eyes, she is lying, she lied to him when he knows the truth about what my parents said in the email, that I did not twist their words around, and that Sebastian did not hang up on them, he knows the truth and he is really sorry that he ever doubted me.

A week ago this would have torn me up pretty bad, I would have begun bawling my eyes out, I would have started yelling and screaming about it all, but I didn't this time.
Instead, I asked him to stand up, I gave him a huge hug and told him that I am so sorry that all of this is happening and that if I knew a way to make it all end, that I would stop it immediately, but I don't know how to make it stop, I have no idea how to make everyone else see that lies are being told.
He hugged me back and told me that it was ok, he wiped away the few tears that were falling down my face, and he told me that someday everyone will learn the truth about all of this, that they will see that I am not the one lying, that I am not doing illegal drugs, that I and not the cause of all of this.
Then he said that he was really sorry for ever calling her, that all he wanted was just a few days away from me, a break from it all because I was a mess, I was crying all of the time for days, that he and Sebastian just wanted a break because they didn't know how to help me feel better, they were scared, and tired, and worried, that is all, they never wanted what is happening, that if they knew that wanting a break was going to cause all of this, make my parents not want to see me or speak to me ever again, that they never would have asked for any help, that they would have just hung in there until my doctor's appointment a week away. 

I could see that he was really upset and really sorry, he was all teary eyed and hugging me so tightly I thought he was going to break my ribs.
Last week this would have really ripped me up, I would have been screaming about how this is all just so wrong, I would have been crying like crazy, but tonight I just hugged him back and told him it was ok, that it was all going to be ok eventually, and that I do NOT blame him and Sebastian for any of this, it's not their fault at all, and that I loved him very, very much.
He stopped hugging me, wiped away his tears and then mine, and told me that he loved me very much too.

I am just so sorry that all of this is happening, I really do wish that I knew a way to make it all stop, but I don't.
I just have to wait it out, hope that someday everyone will realize that these are all really vicious lies, and that none of it is true at all.
I want my sons to stop hurting, I want them to be ok, to be loved and welcomed by their family, but until the lies get cleared up, that we are just going to have to forget it all, just do what we need to do as a family, keep our little family together and going.
It's all that we can do, it's all that I can do, I need to be here for my sons, and so yeah, I do think that the antidepressant is really starting to work, I am not as emotional as I was, I have a better grip on the situation, and so that is a good thing.
I'm still not "happy", I am still carrying a lot of anger and guilt, but with the counseling and the antidepressant, I think that those things will get better in time.

Verizon was here all afternoon installing the Fios, and so a lot of my things had to be moved around to install the new router and stuff.
I tried to break in and move my stuff before the guy did, but he just swooped in and did it, not giving me the chance to do any of it.
This caused my OCD to go crazy, I can't handle people touching my stuff, moving things out of place, and my whole living room was basically turned upside down while the guy worked.
In the process of him moving things around, some stuff got knocked down but it wasn't noticed until after he left and I was putting my desk back in order.
I found one of my micro sd cards on the floor, along with one of my favorite pens.
This was really difficult for me, I can't explain it, if you don't have any thing like this, it's hard to understand.
The boys knew I was having a rough time with someone, a stranger, touching all of the things on my desk, I was pacing around the other rooms of the house, I couldn't watch, and if I did, I started to panic and stuff.
I know this sounds all crazy, and it is all crazy, but I really don't do well with people touching my things, strangers or family, they are my things, and I do not like other people touching them.

People don't use the postal service as much as they used to, mailing a hand written letter used to be the only way that you could communicate with someone in another state or heck, even town.
Depending on how far your letter had to go, it could take anywhere from a few days to a few months.
Mail used to be delivered by horse and buggy.
The teens don't believe that, so I asked them once how they thought letters got from the little house on the prairie in Walnut Grove to the big city of Winoka in the Dakota territory.
They sat thinking about it for a few, and then said "Ah, ok, yeah, a horse and buggy. We forgot that didn't have cars then."
Ha ha.

It got even easier to communicate with people once the phone was invented, but people still used the mail to stay in touch, to send cards for birthdays or holidays.
But now with the internet and cell phones, people are using text messages, IMs, and emails to stay in touch.
A lot of people now also use online greeting cards to send their friends and family a card for a birthday or holiday, it's widely accepted by pretty much everyone these days.

When I first started using online greeting cards, I felt kind of bad, like maybe the recipient would think that I was just being cheap, didn't want to spend money on a nice paper card.
Of course the recipients never thought that, it was my thoughts, my own issues with money came into play.
The recipients were always glad that I sent a kind note or birthday wish, they were always just happy that I even remembered their birthday.
Ha ha.

My parents 50th wedding anniversary is coming up on July 31st, and I will probably send them an online anniversary card and a paper card.
I already have the paper card, I just need to write a little note in it and mail it out, and then I will find the perfect animated online card to send them on the morning of their anniversary.
I know that my Mom gets up a bit earlier than my Dad every day, she starts the coffee maker, gets dressed, and then goes to check her email before waking up Dad.
Every single morning.
So I will send them an online card wishing them a happy anniversary, tell them I love them very much, and hope that they can celebrate many more years together.
I really do wish them a happy anniversary, they are just so perfect for each other, they work well together.
Where one of them may not have what something calls for in a situation, the other does.
Together they have all of the skills needed to get anything done that they want to get done.
A perfect team in my opinion.
 

I've been up all night again, I knew it was going to happen, I even said so yesterday right before I went to take a quick 3 hour nap that turned into an all day sleep fest.
I seriously meant to only sleep for just a few hours because I know myself really well, sleep more than that, I'd be up all night again, not be on a good sleep schedule, and that's what happened.
Oh well.

At some point this weekend, I'm going to have to go back to the grocery store for all of the things I forgot.
I did have a list, but I forgot to put things on the list.
I hate it when I do that.
Sebastian won't mind though, it's another chance for him to poke his head inside the camper they have parked inside the store.
As soon as he saw the pop-up camper, he wanted one, he now wants to go camping and have that thing because then I could go camping too.
He knows that I don't like tent camping, I hate it, but I always said if we could go  rv camping, that I would totally go.
So now he wants one of those so that we can all take a cheap family vacation.
He knows we'll never afford to go some place crazy expensive, but camping is super cheap, so he's got his mind set on getting an rv at some point in his life.
He's a totally funny kid.

I knew that I would not be able to get Mark that HP notebook that Buy.com had on their weekly special, it's not on sale this week plus I didn't have the money, but I really don't need to worry.
They have a whole section of their site specifically devoted to laptop deals .
That's pretty freaking awesome.
They have every possible brand, every possible size, and every possible price range, and many of them on sale at some really incredibly low prices.
So I know that when I need to get him a laptop in the fall for college, I will be able to find him a really good one at a really good price from them. They make it so incredibly easy to find just the right one, he'll even be able to pick a color on certain brands and models if he wants to.

I started shopping at Buy.com years ago, like back in 2004 or 2005.
I started shopping with them because I was doing paid surveys for a company, and at the time, they only paid in Buy.com gift certificates, they now pay through paypal and Buy.com gift certificates, so that's cool they offer a choice now, but I still take the gift certificates.
I would cash out my gift certs from the site, they only gave us so many days to redeem them at Buy.com, and then I would just let them build up until I had a lot of them, and then I'd go shopping.
I've been loving shopping with them ever since.
I love their low prices, their fast shipping, and the fact that they have free shipping on almost every single item that they sell.
Not too many other online retailers offer free shipping on so many items, heck, most don't offer free shipping on hardly anything unless you spend like a minimum of $25.
At Buy.com, I bought a $6.99 DVD, and got free shipping, so yeah, I'll shop there over other retailers any day, especially when it comes time to get Mark his laptop because those suckers are wicked heavy and if I had to pay shipping, it would be like super freaking expensive.

I posted to my other blog what is going on with the surgery, and my friend Shannon asked the following question;
Is there a reason, other than the obvious, choking and looking down always, that the surgery needs to be done?
The choking is a huge reason, I choke on food while I'm eating if it's a meat and not cut up into itty bitty pieces and I don't chew it to death, I choke on it if it decides to come back up and out, but it's a major quality of life issue.

For the last 9 months, I have been looking down.
My line of sight is down, I see things at knee level and below, I am always looking at the ground, the floor, the carpet, and when I go places, the ground, the dirty ground, the dirty floors of stores etc etc.
On the day that Mark graduated, I wanted so much to be able to look into his face, into his eyes, and tell him how very proud of him I was, how much I loved him, and I couldn't.
I couldn't see anything above his chest and I was straining so physically hard to see that much, leaning back as far as I could, using my cane for stability, and I still could not see his face.

When I go grocery shopping, I cannot see anything above the 3rd bottom shelf.
If I need something above that, I have to back up against the other shelf, find it and either tell 1 of the teens who is with me to get it, or find it exactly, and then walk to it and blindly reach for it and hope that I grab the right product.
I cannot lift anything heavier than 5lbs, if I do, I hurt terribly for the next several days.
Straining my neck to try and see things or people, or road signs, whatever, puts incredible stress on my neck and shoulders and lower back, and I am then in pain for the next several days and unable to do even basic things around the house.

The teens can and do help me with everything around here.
They go grocery shopping with me, they do the laundry, dishes, they help clean the house, they help me cook, everything, but there will come a day when they are grown up and gone and they will not be here to help me with all of those things.
My house will slowly become a disaster no matter how much I try to stay on top of it.
Just trying to stay on top of it daily, causes a ton of pain.
Standing to do dishes for just 5 minutes, causes me to be in immense pain for hours.

I called my surgeon and spoke to him about what if I don't do this surgery, will he ever be able to do it without so many risks, and he said that he will always help me, that he will continue to search for a way to fix me so that my quality of life improves, so that the always present risk of choking to death on food will end, and that medical science is always changing and improving, but he has no idea when it will come up with a way to fix me.
It could be a month from now or 10 years from now, there is simply no way to know, but he will always keep looking for a way, and he and his staff will always help me.

The last 9 months have been extremely depressing, always looking at the ground, not being able to see my son's faces or anyone else either unless we are all sitting down.
People think that I am being rude when they are talking to me and I don't make eye contact, and then I have to explain to them that I cannot raise my head, and then the questions start and I have to explain everything.
Then the pity comes.
The I'm so sorrys, the oh you poor thing, the it will get better, the keep your faith, the god loves you and is giving you what he thinks you can handle bullshit, and the never ending I'm praying for you fucking shit.
If 1 more person tells me that they are praying for me, I might fucking explode.
People have been praying for me and my back issues to be fixed for years, and has it ever done any good at all?
Has it!?!
Tell me!!!!
What has any of that never ending fucking prayer accomplished?!?!
Not a fucking thing that's what!!!
All of those prayers have never gotten anything done, it's all been wasted time and breath, so just fucking stop it, just stop it.
And I really don't want to hear that people pray and god does it in his time, on his time, when he feels it's time.
There is no god, that is evident but all of the world's ills around us and the years upon years of endless unanswered prayers, so just stop, it's a waste of time and it does nothing but piss me off.

The thought of being like this possibly for the rest of my life is overwhelming, it is too much to think about at times.
The last 9 months have been so hard, and I have been sinking further and further into depression.
I know that I need to talk to my doctor about it on Wednesday when I see him, I need to tell him what my surgeon said, let him know that I am still deciding what I should do, but I need to tell him that my depression over this is getting much worse.
Yesterday, I was an absolute wreck, I cried off and on all day long thinking about being like this for possibly for the rest of my life if they never find a way to fix it without so many risks.
Thinking about what my life is going to be like when the teens grow up and leave, how alone I will be, how hard everything will be.
I was so hopeful that eventually I would have a somewhat normal life again, be able to see people's faces, be able to go out again, sit in a movie theater and watch a movie, go out to eat in restaurants, do normal things again, but all of those normal every day things that people take for granted are slipping away from me again.
I am a prisoner in my home, a prisoner of my own body.

Friends and family, my own sons, keep telling me that I could find a nice man some day who would understand, who would be able to deal with all of this, and fall in love with me.
But I don't think so.
Once that man learns the real truth about it all, he wouldn't be able to deal with it, and he would leave.
I am in pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I take a crapload of pain medications that I am physically addicted to.
I am physically unable to do a lot of things, normal every day type things, never mind do relationship type things, sexual relationship type things.
Doing any type of physical activity leaves me in pain and can take hours or days to recover from depending on what that activity is.
Just going to Mark's graduation left me in agonizing pain for the next 3 days, and we didn't even stay for the entire event.
Going grocery shopping for just 1 hour takes me 3 hours to recover from.
You see what I'm getting at here?
Having a normal, loving, sexual relationship with someone is going to be something that causes physical pain and then long recovery periods.
My future is not looking very bright at all.
It's looking very lonesome, very painful, and very depressing, even more depressing than it already is, and so I need to discuss this stuff with my doctor, I know that I have to.
I hate the thought of having to take a medication for depression, but it's getting worse, I am having thoughts of just quitting when the teens grow up and leave.
No, I'm not actually planning anything, but the thoughts are there, the thoughts of they will be grown up and on their own, they will be ok, and I can go, I can end my suffering.
I am not as strong as everyone keeps saying, and that is something else that I am sick and tired of people saying to me, that I'm such a strong person.
No I'm not.
There's a huge difference between being strong and just going through the motions because you have no other fucking choice in the matter.
I have had no other choice in the matter for the last 10+ years.
I am a single mother of 2 teenagers and I have a really bad back.
I have had to get up and keep going because there has been no other option for me, not because I'm strong.
I stopped being Superwoman many, many years ago.

I'm tired, so very, very, very tired.
I'm physically and emotionally drained, I honestly do not know how much more of this life I can take.

You know what the best fat burner is?
Watching a cat lick at an abscess for days on end until it pops, and then watch it lick the nasty bloody puss away for the next 3-4 days.

Carmine had an abscess on his right side, at first we didn't know that's what it was, we thought maybe it was his gallbladder and that he was doomed to die.
He stopped eating, he just laid around, he was hot to the touch and miserable.
Then he started licking at the bump over and over, and then right in front of me, like right in front of my chair, he licked it until it popped.
I thought I was going to puke.
It just exploded with this like gallon of nasty bloody puss, and he kept licking and licking and licking, it was so gross.
I totally lost my appetite, I couldn't eat anything at all for a couple of days because Carmine seemed to be following me around, and then wherever I was, he would lay down right in front of me and lick at it until it started draining again, and then he'd lick the puss up.
I wanted to vomit every single time he did it.

He's finally all better, the abscess has healed up completely, he's back to eating again, running around, and chewing the crap outta his play mouse.
Man, I need to get another one of those, he's totally destroyed this one.

Cross posted from my other blog because it relates to my surgery and personal feelings.

Mark and I went shopping this afternoon because Sebastian wasn't feeling well, and I've noticed something about who goes shopping with me and how much I spend.
If Sebastian goes, I stay on target, to my list, and don't overspend.
If Mark goes with me, I end up buying things not on my list, and spend more than I had planned too.
So guess how I did today?
If you guessed that I spent more, you'd be correct.

My total bill before coupons was $231.94
Total is coupons and in store special savings - $49.15
Total after coupons and savings applied = $182.79

I try to use as many coupons as I can, and take advantage of as many in store special savings as I can, because I only get $349.00 per month in food stamps, and with 2 growing young men in the house, that food money goes very quickly.
I try to avoid buying junk food items when I can, and I try to cook as many meals as I can without buying easy microwave foods because they cost more.
Sometimes. Publix always has a lot of easy foods on sale for super cheap, and I usually always have coupons to match those items, so sometimes I do end up buying easy foods. But anyway, whenever Mark goes with me he distracts me, he stands in front of me while I'm trying to look at and compare the costs of items on the shelves.
He's always talking to me about something totally unrelated to shopping while I'm trying to shop.
I ended up buying about 15 items not on my list today.
Ugh.
But, they were on sale, so I can't complain too much about it. It would have been nicer had I had matching coupons for those items, but oh well.
What did I buy that wasn't on my list? Chips, dip, beef jerky, some Oreo cookie things, Fun Stix I think they are called, more soda, another pound of lunch meat, some bread from the bakery, canned soup, about 5-6cans, and some canned spaghettios.

Speaking of spaghettios, next month begins the hurricane supply shopping.
I need to stock up on the canned foods that can be eaten without heating them up, and stuff like that.
I'm actually worried about hurricane season this year, not because they have predicted any yet, but because I'm having another spine fusion in June, and with the kind of luck that I have, this year will be the year that we get hit with a hurricane here in Sarasota, and I'll be in a bad state recovering from surgery, in the halo brace, possibly the trach tube, and we'll get smacked with a big one.
Sarasota is weird, in the 12 years we've lived here, this area hasn't been hit with a single hurricane, it's like we live in the outer banks twilight zone of storm free zones.
The most we've ever gotten here is a small bit of wind and rain, just enough wind to blow some trash cans around, maybe take out a really old tree, but nothing major.
But like I said, because of the kind of luck that I have, this will be the year that Sarasota gets nailed, and I'll be completely useless to deal with it, I'll have to rely on other people to help us pack up stuff and evacuate.
So far, the tropics look good, there's nothing at all out there, so let's hope it stays that way all through hurricane season which is June 1st to November 30th.

I posted back on April 16th on my other blog, how Mark accidentally broke the handle off of the bathroom faucet, it was an old faucet, really has probably been in this duplex since the house was built in the 70's, but looking at it day after day is starting to get on my nerves.















I have not told the landlord yet, I know that I should, but I hate bothering him.
It's not because he's a mean landlord or a jerk or anything, it's just he works 6 days a week as a sheriff, and he only gets one day off per week to spend with his wife and two young kids.
I think they aren't much older than 9 or 10.
And it's really not that hard to install a new faucet, just shut off the water, unscrew the old one, screw on the new one and use some plumbers' tape, and turn the water back on.
It's literally like a 20 minute job at the max, but I don't want to bother him on his one day off a week.
He is still working on the empty unit next door, they trashed it so bad in there, it's been over 7 months, and it's still not clean enough to start showing it to new tenants.
 
Anyway, I think I'm just going to go find a nice new faucet, like a nice but reasonably priced  Kohler faucets, and install it myself, or help the teens, or maybe even ask Dustin to come help me, because it would require me getting down on my knees under the sink, and shutting off the water, and doing some other work under the sink with the plumbers' tape and stuff.
I think I'm just gonna go check out the faucet selection at the hardware store, see if they have anything on clearance, and then just do it.
I just hate the idea of making my landlord do more work when he only gets 1 day off and still has the unit next door to do.
I feel guilty asking him to fix stuff, especially small stuff like this that I can fix myself.
Just buy the parts, do it, and give him the receipts, and he takes it off of the rent.
He never complains about me doing that, and he actually has thanked me several times for just doing it myself.

I had my appointment with the cardiac doctor on Tuesday morning at 11am, and surprisingly, it went very well.
I was surprised it went well because I had not slept on Monday night at all, I was wake straight through from waking up Sunday, and I didn't much sleep that night either.
I only got a few hours on Sunday morning from 10:30am to 12:30pm, so yeah, I was going on very little sleep.

My friend Dustin took me, and Mark came along.
He was released early from school because he donated blood this morning.
All seniors age 17+, were allowed to donate blood, and if they did, they were allowed to be dismissed early.
He was quite pale when he came home at 10:15am, so I took him with me so we could grab something to eat on our way home that was loaded with salt, calories, and would fill him up quickly.

The cardiac doc ran all of the usual tests, BP, pulse ox, heart rate, and he listened to both my heart and lungs, and said I looked good to go.
I said what does that mean? I'm good to go for the stress test?
He said, "No, you're good to go for the surgery. You don't need another stress test, they are good for a year, and even though you had some problems during your last surgery with your heart, that had nothing to do with your heart really. After reading the surgical notations, it appears that your heart stopped because the tube used for intubation nicked your right lung on it's second run down your throat, which caused it to fill with blood, your lung collapsed, and you lost some blood. There was nothing at all wrong with your heart. Tell Dr. Moreno, that he'll have the letter for surgical clearance within 1 week. When is the surgery?"

I told him that I postponed it until June, because I wanted to be there to see my oldest son graduate high school, not be in the hospital, or if I was already out, not be wearing a halo brace to the graduation.
He said to give Mark his congratulations, and told me he would be thinking of me and get in touch after the next surgery to see how I was doing, and if we needed to do any more heart testing, or refill my BP meds again.

Yay!
I have surgical clearance from the heart surgeon!
Now I just have to get clearance from my primary care physician, pass a full physical, and I'll be good to go for surgery in June.
The nurse Cindy did call me yesterday, she has to get with Doc Moreno about the schedule for June, and she'll call me back, but it looks like possibly June 10th according to what she can see, but she needs him to tell her if I'll be an all day surgery, or a half day, and that will determine the day because of other surgeries he has scheduled for the month of June.
She said that Doc Moreno totally understood how important it is to me to be there for Mark's graduation, and to tell him congratulations.

So it looks like May will be a relaxing month, I only have that one last clearance to get, and then the week before surgery is where it gets hectic doing all of the pre-surgery blood tests, xrays, and final MRIs and CTscans, but at least the beginning of the month will be peaceful and relaxing.

One of the things that you just sort of have to deal with living in Florida, is the insane amount of bugs and other creatures like lizards, that are simply everywhere.
You can have your house sealed up as tight as a drum, but lizards still find their way in, and if they are getting in, so is everything smaller than them.
I HATE bugs, the Palmetto bugs especially, which are basically cockroaches.
There are ways to get rid of them and keep them away, but come on, putting your toaster in a plastic bag every single night?
Get freaking real here folks.

I usually grab a cat when I see a bug or lizard, hold their head in place so they see it, and then run away to let the cats play with it, torture it, and eventually eat it.
This saves me money on bug sprays, roach traps, moth traps, and all kinds of other small critter traps.
But you still have to clean your house like crazy all of the time, it has to be impeccably clean, hospital sterile, if you really want to keep out every bug and roach.
It's a hard task let me tell ya.
There are days I simply cannot move, let alone sweep, mop, vacuum the rugs, wash down counters, scrub the sinks and dry them, etc etc.
I do the best that I can, but honestly, I need to win the lotto, buy a brand new house, and hire a couple of maids.
One for day shift and one for night shift.
Have around the clock cleaning going on.
I doubt that will ever happen, so I'll just have to keep doing my best when it comes to cleaning the house, and keep the cats happy so that they will keep on chasing and killing all of the critters that find their way in.

Sometimes I think I just need a really long vacation to somewhere secluded, to be all alone and not have to deal with anything or anyone.
I've even thought of being trapped on a cruise ship, locking myself in my room, only venturing out to eat, maybe taking walks on the decks late at night when other people are dancing away in the nightclubs or sleeping soundly.
I just want some major alone time, and I don't think I'm going to get any very soon.
Why?
I fade in and out of depression a lot, especially in these last few months.
I rarely sleep anymore, often lying awake all night long in my room just waiting for the alarm to go off, or laying on the couch watching mindless tv all night just to pass the time.
I need the surgery, I can't stay living like this, but I also don't want to go through another surgery again, I don't want to put my family through another one again.
It's hard, so so hard on all of us.
I don't have a date yet, but now that I know when Mark's graduation is, I want to wait until after that to have the next surgery, I don't want to miss it by being in the hospital, and I also don't want to miss it because I just got home from the hospital, and I also don't want to show up at his graduation in that terrible halo brace.
I think I'm going to call my surgeon on Monday morning and request that we do it in June.
That way I won't miss his graduation or have to go to it that brace, plus, both teens will be out of school for the year, they won't miss any school, they won't be in school worried about me either.
I think that's the best plan for all of us who have to deal with this.
But it also means another month or so like this, with my head stuck down, with not being able to eat unless other people are home because of the risks of choking, and being in so much pain.
But it really is the best plan I think, even if it means having to wait a bit longer.

It's one of those lazy Sundays where we all just lay around on the furniture and do absolutely nothing but watch crappy tv shows and even crappier movies on tv.
I do need to go out a little later on and pick up some food from Publix, get more soda and cat food, some other stuff for them to eat during the long vacation week.
But for now, none of us have showered or dressed, we haven't done much of anything at all but watch movies on tv.
Currently, we're watching Great Expectations , the one with Ethan Hawke, not the older version.
Some of the scenes were filmed right here in Sarasota at the Ca d' Zan mansion of John and Mable Ringling.
My friend Shell and I got to tour it last year, it was amazing, so beautiful inside.
You'd never know that watching the movie, they really dirtied it up to make it look really old and disheveled.

I waited and called all day again, and kept being told that it was being worked on, but I never got the call to go get the MRI.

My sister reminded me that I still had my boot from when I fractured the same ankle 6-7 years ago, so I had Sebastian help me get it out of the closet, and I've been wearing that since yesterday evening after we came home from shopping.

Tomorrow, we have Sebastian's appointment with his neuro to go over how his migraine meds have been working for the last month, in the afternoon.
So if they call me about the MRI, they need to do it in the morning or else wait till Thursday, so I'm wearing my boot and the ace bandage until they send me in for the test.
It is still as painful as it was the first night.
Gah.

Last night sometime between 8-9pm, I went into the kitchen to throw something away, then I turned around and felt something in my left ankle snap, kind of like cracking a knuckle.
It didn't really hurt at first, so I thought it was just my ankle bone popping, no big deal.
Then an hour later, the pain started, the swelling and redness started, it was unreal pain.
I took one of my Oxycontin 40MGs, thinking that would totally kick the pain out.
It didn't.
I waited about another hour, took another pain pill, but my ankle continued to swell and change colors, continued to feel like I had been hit with a sledgehammer like in Misery.
I couldn't take it anymore at all, Mark was awake, he looked at it, and then I decided to go to the ER, it was just so so painful, I was crying, I couldn't put any weight on it at all, I couldn't even touch the skin with my fingers, my cat Kali barely swished her tail against the skin on my ankle bone, and it sent me into fits and screams.
I called an ambulance around 1:40am, and made it to the ER by 2:15am.

When we got there, the paramedics were told that they close the main ER at 1:30am during the week, we'd have to go to triage, and wait it out.
When the main ER closes, that means they have exactly 10 exam rooms open, period.
So the paramedics wheeled me to triage where I was horrified to see at such a late hour, over 50 people sitting in the waiting room.
1 medic told the nurses about me, while the other 1 helped me go from the cart to a wheelchair to wait my turn.
The medic told the nurse they didn't think it was broken, that I didn't fall, which is true, they felt it was a sprain, a non-emergency.
This meant that all those 50 people who were there before me and me, would all be seen on a who's the worst off first served basis.
Crap.

So I sat and waited, and waited, and waited.
Finally around 3:20am, I was taken back to a room where I waited some more.
At 4:30am, a doctor came in at the same time the portable xray machine came in, and he looked at my xrays while they were being done.
Then he says to me,
"This may be an occult fracture, you have all of the signs and symptoms of one, but the xrays aren't showing that, which is totally normal for an occult fracture. There is a fracture line there, but from reading your records, you were here about 6-7 years ago for a fracture in the same place. That may be the line we are seeing, an old fracture line, maybe not. We are going to treat this right now as a sprain, but I want you to call your primary care in the morning, and if it still is this painful come Monday morning, call an ortho, have you ever seen one of those? And have the ortho do more xrays and testing."

Then he tells me that a nurse will be coming by to give me 2 shots, 1 for pain, and 1 for nausea, because they are going to have to wrap my foot up tightly, that it's going to hurt really bad, and then I can go home.

An hour later, now 5:30am, a nurse came in, gave me a shot of something for pain in my right shoulder, it hit me pretty fast, but it did not stop the pain at all, it just hit my head fast, that immediate morphine swoosh of heat to your face, warmth in the arm they put it in, then the warmth traveling down the arm, across the chest, and down my legs.
I had the warmth, but none of the pain relief.
The nurse tells me I need to roll onto my left side so she can give me the nausea shot in my ass.
I could barely roll over, I tried telling her it takes me longer than most people beca..
"Oh, I know, you're in pain, it takes time to move when in pain."
No, it takes me longer to roll over because I have been fused from C1 to S1, can't move my head or neck, have to have another spine fusion that is so far scheduled for April 10th, but if this is broken, it will have to be postponed.
"Oh", she says, "Wow, car accident?"
No, scoliosis, then my vertebrae caved in on my spinal cord, now C7 needs to be taken out in order for me to be able to have my head raised up.
"Wow."

So she gave me the shot in my ass, I rolled over, and she positioned my leg up on some blankets so she could wrap my ankle.
OMG, it hurt so freaking bad!
Mark had stuffed my little tiger in my purse when the medics were first at my house, he calls it my hospital tiger, it's for me to hold onto when I'm in pain and I need to have somebody who loves me with me and they can't be.
Too freaking sweet. *tears*

When she was almost done wrapping my ankle, she said, "Ok, this is really going to hurt", and then she put her hand on the bottom of my foot and pushed it straight up to be flat, like if I was standing on the floor normally, and then she finished wrapping it up really tightly.
That hurt so bad I let out a little scream, clutched onto my tiger harder, and begged her to hurry.
She finished, gave me my release papers, and got the wheelchair for me to ride out to the main lobby so I could call a cab and come home.

I took an ambulance there, and had to cab it back, because A) it was so freaking late at night, and B) I had no one to come and give me a ride.
I would have never called anyone at that hour of night to come and get me, wait with me at the ER, and then bring me back home.
No way.

I came home, Mark was now gone to bed and Sebastian was up.
I then sent him back to bed, told him neither of them were going to school today because of what happened, Mark had been up with me all the night before I left, and while I was gone, and then they swapped places when I called at 6:10am to say I was coming home.
I waited until 7:30am to call the school and explain why the teens wouldn't be there today, and they said ok, just send my paperwork from the hospital in with Sebastian on Monday as proof of medical emergency, Mark doesn't need a note because he's done with school.
Oh, and he wasn't in any trouble for missing today, Friday, one of the days he has to be at school for his graduation test results.
They said it was ok, so cool.

I waited until 8:30am to call my primary care, and I told the nurse what happened, she said they had already gotten the fax from the ER, the doc had seen it, I was to treat it as a sprain, but if on Monday morning it still hurts as bad, still hurts to the touch, can't put any weight on it at all, to call her back and she'll send me in for an MRI to check for the fracture.

Then, after having been awake since Tuesday morning with only a 2.5 hour nap in my chair that I got on Thursday morning, I hobbled over to the couch with my cane, laid down, and didn't wake up until 1:40pm.

Oh, they didn't give me anything else for pain management because I am already taking such high doses of pain medicine.
That's fine with me, I can't imagine what they would have even tried to put me on, I'm on some heavy stuff already.
I just wish it would work for this, but it's not.
I've taken an extra one with each regular dose today to try and kill or at least numb the pain in my ankle, and it's not working.
I really believe it is fractured, it shouldn't hurt this bad, I mean come on!
I am taking 40MG OXYCONTIN for crying out loud!
I am totally stoned out of my mind right now, have ZERO back pain because of the extra dosing, but my ankle is fucking throbbing and is hurting so much I want to hack it off.

I absolutely love my NuWave Oven Pro, as a matter of fact, I am cooking with it right now, but man, I so wish that Buy.com had them, and also had them on sale , because I'd be telling each and every one of you out there to buy one of these, it's fabulous!
I have used it almost every single day to cook almost every single meal we have eaten, and the teens have been cooking with it too.
But they don't sell them yet. *hint hint Buy.com*

But they do have this really cool looking Smartshopper Grocery List Organizer thing, that you simply speak your shopping list into, and then on the day you go shopping, you hit print, and it prints out your list.
How cool is that!?!

It uses voice recognition software, comes programmed with over 2,500 items, you can add a quantity of an item, it has a coupon flag, meaning if something on your list also has a coupon, it alerts you, you can add any of your own specialty items to the master library making it totally customizable, and attaches to the fridge with magnets so you always have your grocery list right where you need it, in the kitchen!






I've seen these things go for as much as $250.00 at some retailers, but Buy.com has it on sale right now for just $39.99!
I know other people who have them or one like it, and they love how easy it makes their shopping.
They simply speak what they want to buy into it, add quantities, add in their coupons, and then when they are ready to go, it prints the list.
This would be so convenient for so many families because if a kid uses the last of the milk, they can push the button, say "milk", and it's added to the list.
The whole family could help make sure that all of the needed groceries are on the list every single week.

Apricot trees.
Heh.
I made a rhyme.

I thought I was back on the mend yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, my hip and knees were still killing me, I had a migraine to boot, my brain was like in "off" mode too.
I couldn't think a good decent thought for more than 2 minutes, so I spent the day watching stupid stuff on tv, reading Twitter, and just generally annoyed with myself.
I have work to do, I'm letting people down.
I'm letting myself down, and that annoys the crap outta me.

I hate when I get like this, when I can't focus, when I can't think, when I can't do what I am supposed to do.
I'm already in a funk, and then not doing everything that I need to do, puts me in a deeper funk, I start dwelling on it, and then that's all I can think about when I am thinking about any 1 subject for more than 2 minutes.
Like right now.
I've had all day to do work, I've had all day to reply to emails, but no, I couldn't do any of it, so now I'm sitting here just aggravated with myself and hungry.
I just want to eat and eat and eat, and nothing is satisfying me at all.
Why?
Because emotionally I'm not satisfied.
I know this about myself.
I know that when I am an emotional mess, I want to over eat, I want to eat sweets like cake, ice cream, cookies, but once I have it, it doesn't taste right, and I try finding something else to fill the void.
But it's a void that cannot be filled.

My brain is a total mess lately, and I know what's causing it.
I know that the things my surgeon said to me on the last visit have entered my head and never left it.
Halo brace, 3-4 months.
Possible paralysis.
Possible trach tube for 3-4 months.
Not eating, not breathing through nose or mouth, no speaking.
No speaking.
It is weighing so heavily on my mind, no speaking at all, no speaking to my sons for several months.

That thought consumes me day and night, I'm drowning in it.
I know he told me the possibilities so I could be prepared, but I am drowning in those possibilities, those thoughts, those what-ifs.
It swallows me from the moment I wake, when I do finally sleep for any amount of time, until I sleep again, which is like non-existent these days, because those thoughts are just there, they aren't going away.
I lay awake in my bed listening to music, trying to drown out the thoughts, and they power out the music, I picture myself with that trach tube in my throat, not speaking to my sons, not telling them daily that I love them, not asking them how their day was, not helping them with whatever, not answering what's for dinner, not telling them to stop arguing, and so many more stupid mommy things that I say to them on a daily basis.
I don't see the surgeon until the 25th, I don't know the surgical plan until then, I don't have any more percentages of things that could go right and wrong, and so I drown in the information I do know and I can't let it go.

Just make it go away, I want it to go away.
I want to be empty-headed, upbeat, happy,  and "ok", but instead, I am consumed, and drowning, and letting myself and others around me down with every passing day.

Here it is, a little after 4am on Saturday morning, and I'm still wide awake.
I honestly haven't slept much even though I was completely worn out from doing too much on Wednesday, and then feeling like I came down with something.
But I think I know what it is that is making me feel like complete crud, the cat urine.
Carmine's been peeing repeatedly on the carpet under my bed, it's just been soaking in, marinating if you will, and stinking like ammonia.
Ammonia can make you feel sick, it can clog up your nose, make you cough and gag, and yup, that's how I've been feeling for a few days.
I'll be so glad when the teens and I rip out the carpet in there today.

Here's the plan for today.
Wake up.
Eat something for breakfast.
Take a walk to CVS to get Sebastian his new migraine meds.
Come home and start tackling the bedroom carpet. To do this, the teens and I will need to dig out all of the boxes of stuff I have under the bed, salvage anything that can be saved if it's not all completely soaked in cat urine, and throw away anything that can't be saved.
Take off all my bedding and start the washer.
Take off and stand up the mattress and box spring up against the wall/closet doors.
Stand up the frame against the wall/closet doors too.
Move the alarm clock. table lamp, and filing cabinet/nightstand.
Move the bed risers to the tub to be washed in bleach.
Get the box cutter and garbage bags.
Start cutting away the carpet and padding underneath.
Bag it all up and throw it out in the trash cans.
Get a bucket of hot water with a combo of bleach and Clorox Green all purpose cleaner.
Scrub the bedroom floor.
Scrub it again.
Scrub it again.
Wash the floor 1 last time with the bleach/green cleaner combo, then let dry.
Then wash down the floor with Urine Gone and Pee Gone.
Let dry and do it again.
Re-wash bathroom and kitchen floors with the combo of Urine Gone and Pee gone, as well as Mark and Sebastian's bedroom floors after they clean all of the junk out from under their beds, throw away anything that may have been peed on, clean all of the floors thoroughly with the combo cleaners and let dry.
After all the floors are dry, set my bed back up.

The bathroom needs a deep clean again too after our mini-flood this past weekend.
I need to get in there and scrub the floor, the toilet, the tub, and the sink.
I think I'm going to have to replace the bathroom sink faucet really soon.
The "hot" knob, is starting to have to be turned really, really far to get it to shut off.
This is a sign that the threads are wearing down, and if I don't replace it soon, we're going to have a big problem.
I'm wishing I could afford to get a nice new Hansgrohe faucet set, but may have to settle for the clearance bin at the local hardware store.
Yes, I know, the landlord should replace it at his cost, but if I just go ahead and do it, don't bother him, he deducts it from the rent if I give him the receipt.
I like to not bother him with stuff I can do myself, he's a sheriff, a father of two young kids, his weekends are important to him, plus, he's been spending almost every weekend for the last 6 months trying to repair the damage my old duplex neighbors did so he can rent it out again.
Anyway, this is the faucet that is in there right now, and I'm pretty sure by looking at it, that it's the exact same faucet that they installed when they built the house in like 1979.
You can click it for bigger if you really want to see how bad it is.



















Oooh! I found a whole bunch of them on sale!
W00t!
I like this one, and this one, and this one too!
Those prices aren't too bad at all!
For some reason, I thought they were going to be crazy high prices, I've seen faucets before that cost well over $200, and there's no way I'd spend that much on a faucet in an apartment that I rent.
Now if I owned my own home, yeah sure, but not a rental.

Oh gosh!
I started writing this post at 4:10am, and it's now 5:02am!
I got so busy looking at all of the bathroom sink faucets, I completely lost track of time hahahah!

I have been going through a rough patch these last few weeks, I'm stressed out and worried about the upcoming surgery whenever that will be, I had lost trust and faith in people due to some nasty people with nothing better to do than harass me online.
I'm no stranger that, but it's still never fun to deal with.
I've been tired but not sleeping, then sleeping when I should have been awake, having blood pressure issues, and just all kinds of stuff.

I lashed out at everyone around me, my kids, friends in the off line world, friends in the online world, I lashed out on the forums for my job.
I blew up, just absolutely exploded on everyone around me, I had reached my breaking point and exploded.
I felt terrible after I had done it, I deleted the thread on the work forums, I apologized to both my friends online and off, and have been trying to find other ways to deal with all of the issues that have come up in my life recently.
I've been doing a lot of laying down and listening to music, playing games, watching movies.
Maybe those things aren't exactly the way to deal with things, but they take my mind off of everything.

And then just when I needed to know I was cared about, that everything I do IS noticed, that people really do want me to be ok, people showed me that I was.
 
I told you how some friends all got together and sent me the NuWave Pro Oven that I had been wanting to get so that the teens won't have to eat junk food, and take-out or delivery food, while I recover from that upcoming surgery, and it really does rock, it's freaking awesome.
And then about 10 minutes ago, the FedEx guy knocked on the door.
Mark got up and answered it because I was laying down on the couch with 3 of the 4 kitties, (another stress reliever for me) and it was just an envelope.
The sent from address was from Publix, my local grocery store.
Inside, I found 3 gift cards for $100 each, but no note, no sent from name or address.
I laid there on the couch asking out loud, "Who sent these?!"
I couldn't figure out who sent them, I laid there racking my brain as to who could have sent them, and then I remembered an email I received earlier today in reply to 1 I sent out this morning, and this was written at the end of it;
       "Be on the lookout for something we sent over also."
So I *think* I know who sent it, I did email them, no reply yet*, but it has to be them.
They know who they are, so thank you, it helps me so so much, you don't even know.
Now I can go ahead and start stocking up on any meats that are on sale and stick them in the freezer so that the teens can cook for themselves with the NuWave oven, as well as get regular groceries too.
Money and food is always a source of stress in my life.
I have so many doctor's appointments to pay for, medicines that aren't covered by my insurance to pay for, and transportation to all of those appointments, that money left over for food is tricky.
I don't have a car and no license either, (Thanks State of Florida!) so getting everywhere I have to go is either by cab or friend with helping to pay for gas.
I swear, money issues is one of the things that keeps me awake at night.

So yeah, just when I needed it, just when I needed to know that people do care, that I don't have to lose all my faith in people for the stupid things other people do, people showed me that they do care, that I am not dealing with all of this stuff alone.

By the time I finished typing this, the people who sent the gift cards responded, it was them.
Thank you guys and staff, it is so very much appreciated.
 

As Mark was getting into bed last night, his bed make a wicked creaking noise, like it was breaking.
I said we'd have to take off the mattress and take a look at it today, I don't want him asleep and have the bed fall to the floor.
The bed frames are old, my sis bought them at a yard sale when we first moved here 12 years ago.
They were already about 10-15 years old then.
They are a solid pine set of bunk beds that can be taken apart and used as twin beds.
They've been a part for about 7 years now.

The teens are bigger now, taller, heavier, they may need new beds soon.
Their mattresses are still in good shape, but it seems that the really old bed frames are finally starting to fall apart.
Plus, the teens are bigger, taller, they are twin beds, but Mark is 6foot 2, and Sebastian is 6feet, so they are getting just a bit too tall for them.
I may have to start shopping around for new beds soon, especially if the wood is starting to break.

I hope that when I go back to see my surgeon on the 25th of March, that he's picked a date for the revision surgery, and that it's as soon as possible.

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, posting about all of the things that are going on with me, my health, the pain I'm always in, the stress of all of my health problems, and the things that people have said about me.
I know it's all too much, I'm sure that people are sick of reading about it all, I'm sick of posting about it all, I'm sick of thinking about it all, sick of dealing with all.
That's my biggest problem, having to think and deal with it all.

I can't do it anymore, I'm about ready to explode.
I just want to scream, I want to rage and lash out at everyone, I'm so so sick of all of it.
I've lost my faith and trust in people, even people I've known for a long time.
I'm feeling anxious and stressed out, almost becoming paranoid, I don't know who to trust anymore.
I feel like I'm just steps away from a complete mental breakdown.
I'm not sleeping, I'm barely eating, and when I do eat, it's just small bits of junk food, sugary things, I'm comfort eating and I hate doing that because it's so bad for me and my health, but I don't really know how to cope with all of it anymore.

I have so much going on, so many things to think about, worry about, make decisions that will affect my son's lives again in a big way, and I don't think I can do that to them again.
I don't want to put them through it again, but I can't live like this anymore.
I'm not ok, I'm just not ok.
And I feel like I can't talk to the usual "friends" I would normally talk to because I don't feel like I can trust them anymore.
I'm falling apart and have no one I can talk to, I don't trust anyone anymore and I hate that!
I just want to go away, just get away, all by myself, or just take a wicked long break, but I can't.
I can't afford to take a break, I have to stay and keep working, and working, and dealing with all of it all of the time.
I have bills to pay, doctors to pay for, tests and medicine.
I work just to pay for doctors and medicine, just so I can get by, so I can try and get better, but every minute of every day that I'm sitting here working and having to deal with everything and everyone, I hate it more and more, and I am starting to feel hatred welling up inside of me.
Hate for everything and everyone.
I'm falling apart and I can't stop it from happening.
I've tried, I'm still trying, but 1 minute I'm sitting here getting angry, and the next minute I'm bawling my eyes out over it all, because I can't trust anyone, can't talk to anyone, and I can't stop it, I have to just keep going, just keep doing what I have to do to take care of my sons and work so I can pay bills and doctors.
I'm so tired of everything and everyone, and I can't stop, I can't take a break, I can't not keep going no matter how badly I want to, and the anger, hate, fear, worry, stress and tears, just keep piling up inside of me and there's nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do about any of it but hope that this all passes, hope that somehow I get through it all.
I hate you, I really truly hate you, and I hate that I hate you, and I hate feeling like this.
It's so ugly, it's ugly and nasty, and I don't like myself for feeling like this at all.

I didn't sleep at all last night, didn't take a "nap" today until about 10:30am or so, woke up around 1:20pm, and then spent the rest of the day trying to stay warm.
So much for global warming eh?
This is Florida and the weather here is so cold it cuts to the bone.
I know it's not like other states where winter means snow and below zero temps, I know what that is like, but winter here is a different kind of cold, it bites you.
When the teens and I went Maine to visit my folks in February, it was negative 5 with a wind chill of negative 10-15 every single day, but it didn't affect me like this is, this is really a different kind of cold.

I've had to run the small electric space heater all day, kept it on low, it kept the living room sorta warm at least.
Tonight, I'll move it into the dining room, make everyone leave their bedroom doors open, and I'll set it to medium and it should help keep the house mostly warm all night.
It's supposed to be another freeze night tonight, so yeah, gotta use the space heater.

I am one of those people that loves to look at all of the things that I wish I had the money to buy, adds them to my wishlist, and then when I have the money, I make the decision among the 3-4 things I placed on my list.
But every time an online retailer says they are having a sale or they are Buy.com and always have weekly deals, I am so there checking them out.

Now that the digital converter box is is attached to the outside of the house, and all installed correctly inside, my tv is working and looking beautiful, I no longer really need to look at a new digital tv, so now I get to do some wishful shopping at other things I would like to have someday.

So now I'm looking at a laptop, this laptop to be exact, an Acer Aspire One A150.
I even like the color it comes in, the one pictured on the site, I don't know if it comes in other colors, but I like this sapphire blue one very much.
You can click the image to see it bigger, and also click the link to see other views of it.
















If I had a laptop, then on days when I'm not feeling well, having trouble moving around, sitting and stuff, I could lay in my bed and take advantage of our wireless router.

I could lay in my bed, be all toasty and warm under my comforter, have my kitties at my side, and get some work done.
My blogs have been totally neglected the last few days, and generally get neglected whenever the weather kicks me down, so having a laptop, I could work in bed.
I could post to my blogs, I could read everyone else blogs, I could stay on top of everything instead of laying in bed or on the couch feeling miserable and guilty because I'm letting people down.
I don't know if other people see me being absent as letting them down, it's just how I feel.
I have tremendous guilt when I'm not able to get my work done due to my health, or help people with things they need help with.

Anyway, I really like this laptop, and I love Acer computers anyway.
I now own 2 Acers, mine and the one I bought my sons, they are great computers, never have any issues with them, they are wicked easy to upgrade and just a wicked nice product at great prices.
Buy.com's normal price is $389.00, and right now they have it at $50.00 off, making it just $329.00.
That's a really great price, plus, as always, free shipping!
I love how they always have free shipping on almost every single item they sell, that's a huge bonus, especially in today's economy.
Paying shipping on large and/or expensive items, can be a deciding factor in whether or not people actually buy the product, so yeah, free shipping is a major bonus.

Here's just a few of it's features which make me want this Acer Aspire One A150 laptop even more;
It has a 160GB HDD, 8.9" WSVGA, 802.11b/g, Webcam, Multi-in-one card reader, and it has Microsoft XP Home which I absolutely love.
All of our computers have been Windows XP home, and it's by far the easiest version of Windows to work with.
Another feature that is awesome for me because I'm still on weight-lifting restrictions and will be for a very long time to come, (another surgery coming up soon) it only weighs 2.2lbs.
I'm still only allowed to lift things that weigh 5lbs or less, so yeah, a super lightweight laptop would be awesome for me!
All of the reviews of the Acer Aspire One A150 are really, really good too, everyone who has purchased it, according to the reviews, absolutely loves it, the only negative thing most reviews are saying is that it doesn't have a dvd drive, but all of them that said that, said they used a portable usb dvd drive, and that made it perfect to use in their opinions.

So now when I get my taxes back, I might just have to get this laptop.
Even though it probably won't be part of the weekly deals anymore, it's still an incredible buy at $389.00.
My sister just got a new Dell laptop with about the same exact features a few months ago, and it cost about 4 times as much as this one, and the features are almost duplicate except that hers does have a dvd drive.
So yeah, total no-brainer, I'm seriously thinking this will be part of my income tax refund shopping.
This and a new cell phone.

I met with my surgeon again this afternoon, it was a hellish adventure even getting there.
I missed the exit by 2 exits, called people for directions, and ended up going all over fucking Tampa, Hillsborough, Land O' Lakes, Ocala, and several other places before finally arriving there over an hour late.
Lucky for me my doc is a super understanding guy, and that Mindy has the patience of a saint, because I was thisclose to murdering the next person who gave us fucked up directions.


The good news is that he can fix my neck issues, but no date yet.
He wants to wait 2 more months, talk with some other specialist surgeons in this field, he's sending me for another MRI, another CT scan, and back to my pain manager doc until we pick a date for the surgery.

The bad news is that fixing my neck comes with a great deal of risks.
I have to decide if I'm willing to take those risks, and it's a great deal to think about, actually, it's overwhelming.

He has only 2 possible ways of fixing me, and they both come with the exact same risks.
There is a 10% chance of total paralysis, about a 10% chance of not being able to breathe on my own for about 3 months, I would end up having a trach tube installed, that hole thing they put in people's necks.
Other patients who have had this type of revision surgery have had the breathing issue, but after a few months, they are able to breathe on their own again.
And I WILL be in a full halo brace for a minimum of 3 months.

If things go wrong, I would end up being cared for by others for either just a few months, or for the rest of my life.
This is a lot to deal with, it's a great deal to take in, absorb, so I'm really hoping that after he talks with other specialists, that they will have a better idea of how to proceed, maybe another idea with a little less risks.
He did multiple xrays, he also took some still photos and a short video with his cell phone camera, so he can show the other surgeons my range of motion issues that I'm having, just how far my head is stuck down etc.

So anyway, forgive me if I'm not super miss happy go fucking jolly for a few days, I need some time to take this all in and adjust to what I learned today, and be hopeful that he can come up with a better plan, a better way to fix me with less risks.

I've been going through every box, bag, and piece of luggage that contains all of my pictures, every single picture of everything ever taken, and it's amazing just how many places I put pictures.
I never put them all in the same place.
Why do I do that?!
I'm so freaking un-organized!

But I have to get them all, find them all, and go through every single one to find the most awesome pictures of the boys to use for the picture project that Christine and I are doing for the boys scrapbooks.
I'm really trying to get organized in my whole life, not just for this project, but every area of my life.
I want my home to be totally organized, I wish I could hire one of those organizer people, the ones who just know how to do it all so well, that once they get done organizing your home, you see how so very simple it all is and that you may have been able to do this all along if only you had known how.
I want to learn that, I want to learn how to be perfectly organized.
Like Bree from Desperate Housewives, I want to be anally organized in my home and life.

Several people had told me that they got some really great deals on new bedding from ABC Distributing, so I went and looked up, found, and bought all of us new comforters for our beds from them.
They were really good deals, good fabric, nice colors, great low prices.
That's about as good as the shopping experience gets.

I figured out their game and I am not happy.
I ordered 3 comforters all at the same time, paid for all 3 of them at the same time, and they tell you that shipping will be calculated at time of shipping.
So I figured that they would ship all 3 of them at the same time and I'd get one extra charge on my card for the shipping.
Not so.



















As you can see, they are shipping each of them separately.
The first shipment has gone out and I checked my CC online, they are charging me $46.80 to ship just one of them.
I have this gut feeling that they are going to ship the other 2 out separately too, and charge me $40-$50  for each shipment.
If that happens, I will never order from them again.
2 shipments at separate shipping charges I can deal with, all 3 shipped separately, I can't, especially at such high shipping charges.

I never did find Mark a really good watch like I wanted to get him for his birthday last year, so I'm still on the hunt for a good one.
I found some really decent Festina watches at Kenmar Watches.com, and I really liked how easy their site was to navigate as well as their wide selection of all kinds of watches.

I really like this one, it's very nice, stainless steel, water resistant, quartz movement, and not bad for price at all.


Kenmar Watches is so easy to navigate and find what you are looking for.
If you know the brand name you are looking for, just type it in the search box and it goes straight there, and then gives you options on the side to narrow down your search to find exactly the watch, style, and price range you want.
They have a banner on their site that says if you order by 2pm EST, you'll be wearing your watch in 24 hours.
I may just have to test that out if and when I do order a watch for Mark.
He'll be turning 18 this year, graduating high school, so this is the year that I'll be buying him his first big grown up men's watch.

I think a nice watch helps a man look good, feel good, and be on time for things like job interviews, class or whatever.
Mark will be attending the police academy as soon as he can when school lets out this summer.
He has to take a few classes at MCC, and a few at SCTI, and then on to the academy he goes.
He has several references from officers and his Big, George, who was a detective in Washington DC for 25 years, so he's got some really outstanding references to help him get in.
He always knew that he'd be in some type of law oriented job field all while growing up.
He went back and forth between lawyer and police officer, and he's finally settled on police officer.
I'm very proud of him, so I'm definitely going to keep digging around the site and find the absolute most perfect watch for him.

I'm going to start asking him some questions here and there like silver or gold, what's your favorite out of the two?
Metal or leather? (for the wrist band)
Plain or fancy? (for the watch face)
If fancy, would he like a color like blue or red?
Sporty or fancy? (for the whole watch itself)
I really want to find him the perfect grown up watch for a grown up young man, but I also want it to be something that he will wear every single day.
If he doesn't like my choice, he won't wear it, he'll just put it away for safe keeping like he does with so many of the "fancy" things people have given him over the years.
I may even let him look around the site and find one he likes himself, I'll play it cool though and say something like, if some parents wanted to get their son a watch for graduation, which one would you think the boy would want? If it was you, which one would you actually wear?
I'll tell him it's for a job I have to do, and that way he'll help me pick one out without knowing it's for him.
Heh.

I'm posting this over here because even though the teens know I have this blog, they don't know the url off of the top of their heads even though it's my name.

Anyway, they are trying to make me fall in love with the cat, Carmine the lover kitty, by telling me every 10 minutes how awesome he is, how loving he is, how cute and well behaved he is, and taking a lot of pictures with my camera of Carmine the lover kitty.

I keep it on the table that is right next to my desk, but because of how I sit, it's always right in front of me.
I looked over a little bit ago and my camera wasn't there so I asked for it back.
When they gave it back, they said they took some pictures and I should look at them.
I figured they took just a few pictures, but no, they had filled up quite a good chunk of my micro sd card.
The way I have it set up, it takes pictures at 640x480, and it can hold 7,785 pictures.
They took 293 pictures of the cat.
Pictures of Carmine laying on Mark's bed, sleeping on Kali's spot, sleeping on my bed, eating cat food, drinking some water, sniffing Nova's butt, using the litter box, and all kinds of other crazy and totally mundane things that cats do.

They have fallen in love with him in just the few days that he has been here, and they want me to fall in love with him too.
Mark especially.
When we first moved here, we got 2 cats, Kali and her brother Mufasa.
Mark was only 6 years old, The Lion King was his favorite movie of the time, and Kali's brother kitten looked like Mufasa.
A light color orange tabby with big fluffy long fur, a huge sweeping and fluffy tail, and so Mufasa was his name.
Just a few years later, when Mark was 10, Mufasa escaped out an open window after having torn a hole in the screen, and was hit by a car and killed.
Carmine reminds him of Mufasa he says, his coloring, his long fluffy fur, his mannerisms, and Mark is right, this cat is so much like how Mufasa behaved.
Both are lovers, love to be held, hugged, cuddled, pet, snuggled with, love to have their butts gently smacked to get that elevator butt thing going on.
Both love people food, cat food, playful, and sweet.

Every time Mark looks at Carmine, he gets this look on his face of great sadness yet great joy at the same time.
He was all teary-eyed this evening while we were watching a movie after dinner, and I looked over at him laying on the couch with Carmine laying on him, nose snuggled right up against Mark's chin, one paw outstretched across Mark's chest like he was giving him a hug, and Mark looked over at me, a tear sliding down his right cheek, and he said, "Mom, he's so much like my Mufasa, I love him for that. I know we are looking for his owner, if we find them we have to give him back, but Mom, I really hope we don't find them, I love this cat.
He sleeps with me like Mufasa did, he licks my face like Mufasa did, right under my chin, his face is the same, he hugs me Mom, he wraps his paws around my neck at night and hugs me like Mufasa did", and then he broke down in tears.

He was laying on the couch, giant tears rolling down his cheeks, hugging tightly on this cat who reminds him of his beloved Mufasa who was his best friend for 4 years.
He was just weeping and I felt so bad for him, the loss of Mufasa was so devastating for him.
Mufasa was his best friend, he played with that cat every day, laying on his stomach on the floor playing with his Batman action figures, and Mufasa would be laying right there watching him play, meowing like he was part of the imaginary action, he'd knock over the action figures that took Mark time to make stand up, and I'd hear Mark say things like "Mufasa! Stop that, it's not time for Mr. Freeze to get his butt kicked by Batman yet, you have to wait till I say so!"
He talked like that cat could understand him, like the cat was actually playing along with him.
Mufasa was his whole world and the morning he died, Mark crumpled into a sobbing mess under the carport when the cat's body was brought to us by our old roommates at the time.
He was so distraught, he couldn't go to school that morning, he just cried and cried all day.
My sister had to come over and promise him that Mufasa was going to be taken to the vet and buried in the pretty cemetery near the little pond with all of the flowers around him.

Carmine reminds him of Mufasa in so many ways, and he is absolutely head over heels in love with this cat.
Had I known that this would be the effect of taking in this stray temporarily, I don't know if I would have done it.
If and when we find his owners, it's going to break Mark's heart to hand him over.
I'm not quite sure how to handle this situation.
I know Mark will get over it, that he will deal with it, but seeing him cry so much tonight broke my heart, and I don't know how either of us are going to deal with it when and if we find the owners.

I've decided that I'm going to attempt to make a turkey for Christmas dinner.
I know I said we were going to take the easy way out, do hot and bbq wings, easy foods, but it honestly doesn't feel very holiday like doing that.
So tomorrow I'm going to go to Publix and buy a small turkey and cook it up on Thursday.
I can do this, and if I end up hurting no big deal, I'll live.
I end up hurting just doing the damn dishes, so whatever.
I know I'm not supposed to lift more than 5lbs, but screw it, it's Christmas.

I ended up getting a huge medical bill in the mail today, so I have to pay that one, it sucks, but eh, whatcha gonna do right?
So I got the money together and called in my payment.
It's a doctor that I see regularly, so I can't postpone paying it.
And then tomorrow, I have to pay for my DSL, and while I'm at the store, I'm going to pick the teens up a few more small stocking stuffers and stuff.
Mostly just snack type foods, some beef jerky for Mark, some candies for Sebastian, and whatever else I find that I think they might like. 

I did a lot of stuff around the house today, and I mean a lot.
I dusted and cleaned off all of the tables and tv stands in the living room, vacuumed all of the rugs, put up all the Christmas decorations, and cleaned the bathroom.

I paced myself though so I didn't over-do things and hurt myself to the point where I would have to call it quits and not do any more of it though.
I did a chore, sat and rested, did another, sat and rested, until I got it all done.
I may still pay for it pain-wise tomorrow, but so far so good, not too bad of pain at all, just my lower back.

The boys helped me with the decorations, they love dong the house up, especially knowing that the girls are coming tomorrow to hang with us for awhile.
They love looking at all of 'auntie kat's' Christmas decorations, so I wanted to make sure everything was out and in it's place for them to enjoy.

And I just feel better.
My mood is like 1,000% better since learning that I will be having my surgery soon, it just really made all the difference in how I was feeling emotionally.
I still can't cook the big holiday meal, but I actually feel like celebrating Christmas now.

I'm really starting to get annoyed with Walgreen's pharmacy crappy customer service.
I have been a customer for 11 years, I have been taking narcotic pain relievers for 10 of those 11 years, and getting them filled at multiple branches of their stores.
Sometimes I've gone to my closest and most frequented branch, and they won't have my med, so they call another one, and then I have to go pick up my med at that other branch, but I have always had my scripts filled with them unless there is an issue with the computers, the insurance, or they don't have my med in stock.
I'm a faithful customer thanks to my scoliosis and surgeries.

But here's what happened today.
My sister came down to take me to one branch of Walgreen's that always has a particular pain med in stock, my niece Skye was going to stay here with the teens while we went, but it should have only taken us 30 minutes tops, and I would have been able to come back and at least spend 20-30 minutes with Skye, see her smile, laugh, and fall in love with the stop motion classic Christmas movies I have.
The only movie the girls have seen is Frosty the Snowman, but I have all of the old classics, Rudolph, Santa Claus is coming to Town, and The Little Drummer Boy.
I bought them on VHS about 15 years ago, when my boys were just babies, and we have watched them every year at xmas.
It's far better to watch them on VHS when you have small kids instead of broadcast television, there are no stupid commercials in between.

Anyway, we were only supposed to be gone a half hour, tops, but after dropping my script off, being told it would be about 20 minutes, wandering around Walgreen's and buying stuff, the pharmacy tech tells me they can't fill my script for the oxys on a Saturday because they have to confirm the script with my surgeon, not his on call doctor.
I asked if this is a new policy, because I have been filling this script at their store almost every single month, on either a Saturday or a Sunday because my surgeon mails it out on Thursday, and I usually always get it on Saturday and fill it.
He said no, not a new policy, so I asked him to check last month's fill date and look up what day it was because I know it was a Saturday.
He checks, confirms that yup, it was filled on a Saturday but shouldn't have been, and now he has to report that tech for filling it on a weekend without speaking to the prescribing doctor.

So now I'm pissed, I don't have my pain meds and I need to have them because my lower dose pain meds will not be filled until Monday, and there is simply no way that I can go the weekend without the pain meds.
I cannot move without them, I can't eat or I get sick, I get wicked leg and back spasms, basically, my body goes into withdrawals, and let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight or a fun experience to go through pain med withdrawals.
You get very, very ill, very quickly, like as soon as they wear off, your body starts withdrawals and it is quite painful, and getting med sick is probably the most agonizing thing to experience.
I hate the withdrawals, and whenever we finally do decide to take me off all of the pain meds, if my doctors ever do decide to take me off of them, I will have to be given some type of help with weaning off of them, possibly even rehab because of how severe the withdrawals are.

My sister knows this, and so she asks me if there is any other pharmacy I can go to that won't have the same Saturday policy, so we head down to the Publix out on Bee Ridge and Cattlemen, and they had absolutely no problem filling them because I've been a customer there before, and the neck brace and downward facing head kinda give it away that I have a legitimate need to have the medicine.
They filled it, but it's now been another 40 minutes, we've now been gone for a little over an hour, much longer than we wanted to be gone, and my sister needs to take me home, pick up Skye, and go home herself.
She has things to do in her own life that don't involve her having to drive me to multiple pharmacies in the city because Walgreen's decided to be dickheads today.
She came down here from way up in north Bradenton, to specifically take me to get my meds.
It takes her about 30 minutes to get from her house to mine, and she was doing this as a favor to me because she knows I need the meds and don't have transportation all of the time.

When we got back here, Sebastian had already watched Santa Claus is coming to Town with Skye, she loved it just as I knew she would, I didn't get to take any pictures of her, hug her, play with her, nothing.
I very rarely get to see my nieces because of how far away from us they live, so time is very precious when they do come over, and thanks to Walgreen's being dickheads today, I missed out on another good visit with my niece.
 
I know that Walgreen's has filled this particular script on the weekends plenty of times before, not just last month, but for the last 3 months, since my surgery, and actually, well before that too because my pain doc also gives me this same exact med every month.
It pisses me off that they wasted my time.
They confirmed they had it in stock, said they would fill it, made me wait 20 minutes, then tell me they won't fill it even though they have been filling it every single month on a weekend before.
If they do indeed have a policy to not fill a certain class narcotic on the weekends, he should have never told me that they would fill the script.
He said absolutely nothing to me about having to speak to the prescribing doctor.
I'm going to just switch all of my meds over to Publix pharmacies because of this crap, and let them have all of my business from now on which is a whole lot.
I take 3 different narcotic pain meds every month, 1 blood pressure med, 1 heart med, 2 different muscle relaxers, and an antibiotic every month.
I spend a great deal of money on medications, some covered by insurance and some not.
One of my pain meds is not covered, and it costs me $238.00 every month to fill it, and the covered ones still have co-pays, so I spend about $350 per month on just the co-pay medications, the non-covered one is $238.00, and not to mention all of the general shopping I do while I wait for them to be filled which can vary from just a few dollars up to about $100 if they have things I can't get elsewhere, or don't feel like getting elsewhere.
If it isn't dumb shit like this so-called policy, it's downed computers, not being able to contact the insurance companies, refusing to fill because the insurance on file was mistyped by one of their own staff, all kinds of problems, so I'll just switch to a Publix pharmacy that I know doesn't have any of these issues, give them my business and my money, and Walgreen's can go fuck themselves.

I went for a little walk just a bit ago, got out into the sunshine and nice weather, gotta get that vitamin D and all ya know.
Anyway, it's a total pain in the ass walking with the neck brace on and my head placed the way it is, my line of sight is downward, not straight ahead, so it's a rather difficult chore to just go for a walk.
And that's when I realized that it also hurts to walk like that.
The pain is right below my shoulders, like the bra strap line, and goes down the whole length of my spine to my tail bone.
I barely made it home without wincing and bending over from it all.
On December 10th, I go see my surgeon and I'll get to tell him about all of the various problems that I've been dealing with since the surgery.
The pain, the head placement issues, the inability to open my mouth and eat anything that isn't a liquid or flattened as thin as paper, that I can't even drink out of a cup, I have to use a straw every single time, the vomit/choking issues, etc etc.

What pisses me off and makes me greatful at the exact same time, is that this surgery saved my life, yet it has seriously reduced my quality of life.
My vertebrae were closing in on my spinal cord, crushing it, it was killing me slowly and eventually it would have closed off completely, stopping my breathing and my heart.
I know that they did the best they could in there, I know there were complications during the surgery, I know that I'm lucky to be alive and all of that, but I really hate how my life is right now.
It's a major struggle for me to do almost everything, and I hate it.
I tried to reach on top of my medicine cabinet to get my electric toothbrush, and I couldn't even look up to see it. When I went to put it back, it was a struggle to try and find the base to put it on without being able to see it.
I can't lift my damn head up, I can't see up to do things.
I can't lift anything over 5 pounds, I struggle to cook meals because I can't turn around to do stuff, can't bend over to get a pot or pan, can't get things out of the cupboard because I can't see what I am trying to reach.

I know, I'm lucky to be alive, I'm greatful, but I fucking hate this.
I want my surgeon to pick a date for the revision surgery and let's just do it, let's just get it over with.
I personally think that it's the rods causing me to not be able to raise my head up, I think they are too long, so when I try to raise my head up, the back of my head gets stopped by the rods.
I also think the top screws are bent the wrong way, if you look at the xray, you'll see the top screws bent upward, and the rods themselves are like right freaking there, so I can't raise my head up.
I want him to fix it, to cut the rods down shorter, remove those top screws, they won't be needed anyway if the rods are shorter, or just do whatever the hell he has to do to allow me to raise my damn head up.
I am so unhappy right now, I hate being unhappy, I hate feeling this way, but every single day I find some new thing that I could do that I can no longer do, and it bothers me so so much.
When standing up, I can't even look into the faces of my sons when they go to hug me, I can't see their faces!
I hate it all so much, everything I can't do, I hate that I'm sad all of the time, I hate that I'm so unhappy, and I hate that I can't even look into the faces of my sons.
I need him to decide what he's going to do and when we are going to do it.
If I have that info, I'll make it through however long until we actually do it, but not knowing when or what's going to be done is just making me more and more unhappy as each day passes.

Most people know I have pretty intense OCD about things sometimes, the teens know this especially, so when I went to make out my list for shopping tomorrow, and reached in my box of pens to find my best weighted pen was gone, I sorta flipped.
I made the teens find it because they were the ones who used it, and sure enough, it was in their room on their computer desk.

Anyway, I am trying to make out my list, trying to figure out what we need, but honestly, I don't even want to do Thanksgiving dinner.
I can't cook it at all, i can't lift it, I feel completely useless this year.
I know I'm battling some depression over this, and I will talk to the doctor when I see him on the 10th, but for now there's not much I can do so I'm just going through the motions every day.
It just doesn't feel like a holiday anyway, so bleh.

The FedEx guy just knocked on the door a few minutes ago to drop off a product for me to review.
I hollered through the door, "Please just set it there, I'm sick, you might catch it", and you should have seen the guy drop it and haul ass back to his truck.
It was quite funny.
But honestly, I am not feeling well.
I have the coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and some stomach issues.
Not really stomach sick, no puke or poops, but more of this weird feeling.
I feel hollow in my chest and stomach areas, I can't really explain it beyond that, but it's a hollow feeling, empty, and eating doesn't make it go away.

I have some minor stuff to clean up around here, some pots and pans from food we did eat and then just couldn't deal with after we ate, and I need to do the floors too.
All I really want to do though is sleep or at least lay down and be totally lazy.

After a whole week of illness, this house is absolutely trashed.
There's stuff everywhere, it smells like sickness in here, I'm grossed out by my own home right now.
I really need to clean it.
I'm thinking that tomorrow, everyone is going to wake up at a reasonable hour, and start cleaning this entire house, every single room.
ALL of the dishes will be done, the bathroom scrubbed, bed linens washed, dried, put back on beds, floors swept, vac'd, and the hard floors mopped.
All the tables cleaned off, and maybe I'll even attempt to clean a little bit of the table of death.
It's so so bad, omg, it's terrible.
I'm completely disgusted.

This is me in my new Blogads t-shirt.
I've been a Blogads publisher and advertiser, for quite a few years now, and about a week or two ago, I filled out a publisher/advert survey, and so they sent me a free t-shirt.
Blogads is by invite only, and sorry, I have no more invites.
I gave them all out to a bunch of bloggers who said they were interested, understood it wasn't going to make them rich, (unless they are Perez, he makes quite a bit from his Blogads) and they all said they understood that it would take time to start building it up, before they made decent money from the ads.
I gave out all 10 invites, and out of the 10, only 1 (one) is still running her adblocks, and she's doing pretty decent from it too.
It kind of irritates me that the other 9 bloggers have wasted those invites, I could have given them to other bloggers who really would have appreciated the ability to have an adblock on their blogs that would make (eventually) them some decent recurring income with hardly any work involved on their parts, simply approve the sold ads when they got bought.
Oh well, it's their loss right?
But it still annoys me that I can't get any more invites because 9 people don't even use it, wasted them, and so I can't get more.
Maybe if I find another blogger who has patience, will leave the adblocks up, will join the hives, promote the hives on their ad pages, keep the blocks above the fold, I will risk it again and ask for another invite or two, but right now, no way.
But I am glad to see that at least the one blogger is making decent money every month from them and appreciates it, she sent me a thank you a few weeks ago after selling a huge paying ad campaign.
I'm very happy for her.

And in this pic, you can see me and my down-turned head from the spine/neck fusion.
That is as high as I can lift it.
Pretty sucky eh?
But yup, that's as far as it goes.
I know I look like total shit in the pic, and the bathroom mirror is way dirty, but we've all been sick the whole week so yeah, that's what I look like right now.

Most of my readers know that I had my neck fusion surgery on September 8th 2008, and have been healing as well as can be expected.
I will also be having a revision surgery in just a few months, because my head placement is all wrong.
My head is tilted and stuck downward, instead of straight ahead.
The surgery was supposed to prevent me from turning side to side, not up and down.
I can turn my head side to side no problem, but up and down is a no go.

But anyway, both of my teen sons have been battling a really nasty cold/virus since last week, and tonight I started getting it.
I'm coughing, sneezing, sniffly and runny nosing it since about 6pm today.
The sniffling, sneezing, and runny nose are not a huge issue, but coughing?
Holy hell it's painful.
Every cough makes my chest muscles, upper back and neck muscles, and head, move and twitch and spasm.
This is not fun at all, it's actually quite painful.
You know what else is really painful as well as super scary?
Throwing up.
Because of the way my head is tilted downward, my jaw cannot open as wide as it did before, and the neck opening is almost compressed like, so throwing up is a very painful and scary ordeal.
Sorry to be graphic, but this is a health blog right?

The rest is behind the cut, it is kind of graphic and sorta gross, so you have been warned.

Ya know, just when I think things are getting better, starting to looking up, life decides to kick me in the ass again.
Both of the teens have been really sick all week, I've so far remained unscathed, finally starting coming down with it myself.
They started theirs last Thursday, a full week and neither of them are better yet, well Mark is starting to get a little color in his face, but Sebastian is in pretty bad shape.

Around 6pm or so this evening, my nose started getting wicked stuffed up, I coughed and nearly hacked up a lung, (I'm pretty sure my right lung is still loose from being jarred like that) my chest hurts, and while I was coughing up that lung, this ripping and burning sensation tore all the way up through my esophagus and throat, and my tongue also started twitching and feeling scratchy too.
I'm trying to fight it off, I have echinachea, some antibiotics left over from my surgery, Nyquil, Tylenol, multivitamins, and lots of juice even though that will give me hives. (allergic to orange juice and most juices)

As far as my insomnia, it's not really any better.
I was awake from about 7am Tuesday, and didn't go to sleep until about 5am today, Thursday, and only slept for about 5 hours.
I've been wide awake all day, and right on schedule it seems, I caught my second wind and am so wide awake that if it wasn't so late at night, I'd be cleaning the house.
This has to stop but all sleeping aids, even prescription ones, have the exact opposite effect.
Instead of putting me to sleep, they perk me right up and make me behave like I took 20 hits of speed or drank 5 gallons of coffee.
I'm hoping because I'm starting to get sick, that it will somehow make me get some sleep tonight.

I have some stuff to do and then need to get back to answering all kinds of emails.
They are built up in there and I'm working on it all k?
O-k.

I love movies, I love seeing them in the theater, but I can't stand sitting in the theater.
The seats, no matter how nice the theater is with their seats that recline back, the extra over stuffed cushions, and the cushioned arm rests, it doesn't matter, it is far too painful for me to sit in one of the seats for 2 hours.
So I wait and wait, I add them to my Netflix queue using the saved feature for whenever it gets released to DVD, and I continue to watch almost every new released DVD I can with Netflix.
I am home 24/7, so I watch movies and blog.
So here's my list of upcoming theater releases that I will be adding to my saved Netflix queue.

Star Trek  I like all the Star Trek movies and shows.
Friday the 13th  is a remake, but doesn't look too bad. Plus, it has the hottie Jared Padalecki in it. W00t!
Timecrimes  I can deal with subtitles if the story is good enough. This one looks interesting.
Seven Pounds  It looks interesting too.
The Lodger 
Transporter 3  I liked the first two.
The Alphabet Killer  Based on a true story. Looks decent.
Up  I LOVE Pixar movies! Yay!
Angels & Demons  I loved the book, and Tom Hanks is back portraying Robert Langdon again.
My Bloody Valentine in 3D I loved the original movie which came out in 1981. It was probably the very first slasher film I ever saw. I was 11 years old and my passion for horror movies began.
Let the Right One In  A foreign vampire movie where the vampire is a young girl. Coolness.
The Unborn Oooooh, this looks good!
Plague Town  Looks kinda scary. Yay!
My Name is Bruce  Haha! I LOVE Bruce Campbell. He's playing himself in a movie about himself.
The Uninvited   Another remake of Japanese horror movies. Looks pretty decent.
Twilight  I've never read the books, (OMG!) but I love vampire stuff, so yeah, I'd like to see it.
The Haunting In Connecticut  Ooooh, another scary based on a true story movie.
And finally, Sunshine Cleaning  A movie about cleaning up crime scenes like murders, suicides etc. This is the exact line of work my sister in law heather does and she loves it, plus it pays awesome.

Mark's Big and his wife Amy, gave me a gorgeous silk scarf a few years ago for Christmas.
It's this really beautiful long silk tie or scarf, whatever you call it depending on where you were raised.
The base color is white, and it has hand embroidered red and pink roses with various shades of green for the stems and leaves.
I don't wear it often, but when I do, I get tons of compliments on it.
I think Amy used to sell them at her store down in St. Armand's Circle.
She sold her shop for quite a nice profit last year sometime.
Amy used to sell a huge selection of products from all over for a bunch of high end items.
She sold a ton of really awesome beauty products that I could never afford, but she used to give me some products sometimes.
She also sold scarves like the one she gave me, silk ties shirts, dresses, skirts, wine, candles, all kinds of stuff. It was a really beautiful store right down in the circle.
I love going there, but I can't walk it much anymore, but when I do go, my last stop before leaving is always the Ben & Jerry's ice cream shop, for a small cone with some Phish Food.
Yum.

We have a situation here at the house with the septic tank and the toilet.
We have some mild flooding issues, and we've been really lucky it hasn't gotten worse than it is.
The landlord will be here tomorrow to take care of it, but in the meantime, we've had to plunge the toilet and wipe up tons of water.

The teens have been awesome, they've really been helping take care of it all, but I did some of it too, and now I'm totally paying for it.
Pain doesn't really do what I'm feeling any justice at all.
I am going to be so fucking sore tomorrow.
Holy shit.
And we're still not done.
The water keeps leaking and I can't get the valve to shut off.
Dammit.

I spent the majority of the day laying on the couch covered up in a big huge blanket.
Why?
Because it was chilly here once again, and wow, my whole body hurt bad, the rods were super icy cold, I had no flexibility at all, I was walking around the house all stiff like Frankensteins first steps after coming to life.
Just totally stiff and sore.

Then when the teens came home, they did their chores and wanted to play xbox and WoW, but something was wrong with our KVM switch, so I had to get up from my comfy and warm couch and fix it.
Luckily it's a really easy fix or else it wouldn't have been getting done today.

As you probably guessed by now, I didn't get to go see Obama speak today.
Reasons being #1, I was way too sore to go stand out there for a few hours, and #2, my sister couldn't get out of work.
The boy she takes care of was admitted to the hospital again, he's not doing well at all, another infection.
I feel so badly for him and his parents, his whole family.
Greg as been in and out of the hospital since the beginning of August.

Next June Sebastian will be turning 16, and will be legally old enough to get his drivers license if he keeps his grades and attendance up at school.
He's been studying and taking the practice permit tests online, and once he gets a booklet, he'll be able to study everything, and then go get his permit.
And then if Mark decides he's finally ready to drive, I'll have two licensed drivers in the house, and will be in some super serious need of some super duper cheap auto insurance to go with the super duper cheap car that we might be able to afford.
Or them to afford.

I really wish that the seasons weren't so screwed up here in Florida.
Tourists come here from like right before Thanksgiving, and go home right after Easter.
What that means is, if your teen needs a seasonal job, they have to be able to do it during the school year, during winter, whereas up north, seasonal jobs are when school is out, during the summer.
I really am putting some serious thought into both of the teens going up north for this coming summer to visit with the family, and be able to work.
They could work at the amusement park like I talked about awhile ago, make tons of money, and then come home in time for school to start, buy a nice used car off of some little old widow who kept her car in perfect condition with tune-ups and oil changes right on schedule for the entire time the car was owned, for about $500 or less.
I'm not even joking about that.

The old people here, mostly the widows, sell their perfect Oldsmobile's in mint condition for really super cheap prices just to get rd of it.
Most of the time, they don't know and don't care about Kelly Blue Book value, they just have no need for the car anymore, and want it gone.
I went car shopping with my old friend once when her van "Scooby" was acting up, and we just drove around the retirement villages and neighborhoods where only old people lived, and there would literally be at least a dozen cars for sale at any given time, all in impeccable shape, tune-ups, oil changes, all of the paperwork and receipts in the glove box organized by year, new tires, non-stained, super clean upholstery, almost like brand new cars, selling for anywhere between $100 to $700.
The widows never sold the cars for more than that because they'd get penalized on their benefits or something for earning a large lump sum of money, but they didn't need the car anymore anyway.
They bought new ones.

My friend ended up getting a Mercury, can't remember the make and model, but it was a mint condition car with less than 10,000 mile on it, for $300 cash.
It was so nice, it had an awesome working AC in it, and we loved that because that was one of the reasons she needed to get rid of Scooby, his ac croaked, and you do not want to be driving around in a van with no ac in Sarasota in the middle of July.
Talk about sweat!
Aieysh!

I must have caught up on sleep over the last few days while I wasn't feeling well, because as you can see, it's now a little after 4am EST, and here I am wide awake again.
*sigh*
So I've spent most of the night forum posting, reading blogs, and just looking at stuff for the upcoming holidays.
Did you know that a good majority of internet retailers are already starting to advertise for the 2008 Black Friday start of the holiday shopping season?
They are.
Tons of sites are leaking out links for all of the black Friday sales.
The black holiday sales start on the Friday after Thanksgiving, so that's the 28th of November this year.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I was thinking about this, and talking to my sister about it yesterday too.
Because I just had surgery, I can't bend over to pick stuff up, and I can't lift anything over 5lbs, so what the heck am I going to do for our Thanksgiving dinner?
I decided that I'm just going to go and get a Honeybaked ham for our dinner.
They don't just do hams, they make all the side dishes too, so I can go there and get a ham, mashed potatoes, a veggie side dish, stuffing if we want it, a broccoli rice casserole, or garlic mashed potatoes.
That actually sounds really yummy right now, I love garlic mashed taters!
They make a ton of different sides you can buy separately, or order in like combo packs.
I may end up doing the Honeybaked thing for Christmas too if I am still on restriction then as well.
I have another post-op appointment on December 10th, so if he says that I still can't lift more than 5lbs, I'll end up having to get my holiday meals already done up for me.

I usually do the whole prepared holiday dinner from Publix, the turkey, 2 sides, 1 stuffing dish, 1 cranberry, and 1 gravy bowl, and the whole thing has already been cooked, you just have to heat it up, even the turkey, but if I am on lift restrictions, then I won't be able to do that.
If I go with the Honeybaked, the ham doesn't have to be re-heated, it's actually super tasty cold, especially the glaze crusty stuff they put on it.
It is so damn yummy.
Yeah, I'm totally going to do the Honeybaked thing for Thanksgiving.
I am drooling just thinking about it now. 
The teens could help me re-heat all of the sides in the microwave or oven depending on what the directions for heating say.
The sides are, of course, much lighter than the meat, so I could help the teens get them in and out of the oven and not have to bend over to do it either.
See, the teens know how to cook in the oven, but they get nervous doing it alone because they think they'll get burned on the racks and the walls of the oven. 
But if I stay in the kitchen and just stand there with them, they aren't as nervous reaching in and taking stuff out.
I know, kinda silly, but I guess they just like the idea of me being there just in case they get burned.

They are totally getting better at cooking now though.
Because of my current situation, they have had to do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping, and they have been cooking up some pretty tasty stuff.
I can't wait to get the George Foreman grill that I'm getting to do a product review on, and the boys will be able to cook on it so much easier.
They love to eat food cooked on a grill, but I have a wicked phobia about grill cooking.
The teens are afraid of getting burned by the oven, I'm afraid of getting burned by a grill.
meh.
I am always afraid that the flame will spring up suddenly while I'm like flipping a burger, and it will catch my hair on fire, or the propane tank will explode from the heat or something.
I know, it's a totally irrational fear, people have been cooking over fire since the cavemen first discovered it, people go camping and cook over fire, and practically every weekend, people all over the whole hood are bbq'ing, and no one ever gets burnt to a crispy, but I can't help it, I'm a total fraidy Kat.
haha

So yeah, I'll be getting the new safe and easy to use and clean George Foreman grill, and I'll be able to bbq and all kinds of other super yummy foods on it, and the teen food inhalers will have grilled animal flesh and grunt like their caveman ancestors did.
Yay!

I used to have a massive collection of Barbie dolls and accessories when I was younger.
I had the camper, the corvette, the townhouse, hundreds of pieces of clothing, and just about every version of the doll as they made.
I started collecting certain dolls though when I got older.
I collected the holiday Barbies and the designer Barbies, the ones who had their gowns made by real high fashion designers like Christian Dior, Calvin Klein, and others like
Bill Blass, Ralph Lauren, and Oscar de la Renta.
I kept all of these dolls in their original boxes, and saved them at my mothers house.
My plan was to give them to my daughter(s) when I had them.

I ended up with boys though.
*sigh*
So I gave all of my dolls and accessories to my best friends daughter.
I gave Shell's daughter Jamie all of my collector Barbies.
She loved them when she saw them, I still remember Jamie's face when I gave them all to her.
She was still just a little girl, and I had given birth to Sebastian, and so Jamie was about 6 or 7 I think, and she loved them. Her eyes lit up when she the dolls in their gorgeous holiday designer gowns, they were so pretty.
They really were too. You can probably look them up on places like ebay, I bet they are all worth some money now.
I don't regret giving them to her, I was just looking at stuff today and remembered all of the dolls and stuff.

I feel like crap still.
The last few days have just been miserable for me.
On top of my neck surgical issues, I have a cold that is making me just absolutely miserable.
I have just been laying on the couch curled up in my blanket, sipping on some juice, eating yogurts and jello, just trying to stay hydrated, and trying to keep some food in me to help me get over this.

I really can't wait to start feeling better so I can go and do the things I need to do.
I really would like to be able to go grocery shopping so I can get more food in the house that the teens can cook easily.
I also need to go get a pedicure in a bad way.
My toes are in dire need of rescue.
I also would like to go and get started on the DNA testing that I need to have done which will help the doctors be able to better help me.
If I can get an accurate diagnosis for either Townes-Brock syndrome or Riley Day syndrome, my doctors would be able to get me on the correct medications to help me feel better at least.
If they know for sure what is wrong with me, they will be able to help me.
I'm so tired of being sick.
I've spent years and years being in pain, getting sick constantly, having blood pressure issues, swallowing issues sometimes even with just liquids, the way my toes are formed, the issues with my back, my arthritis etc etc etc.

I just want to finally start feeling better, feeling normal.
Spending all of this time being sick or in pain or whatever, has just sucked.
At times I get severely depressed over it all.
Like this morning, I was just laying in my bed just bawling my eyes out over all of this.
I hate my life right now.
I hate all of this crap, I feel like a complete loser because I can't do anything anymore.
I can't cook much, I can't clean much, I can't do hardly anything, and I'm so freaking over it all.
I'm supposed to tell my doctors when and if I start getting depressed so they can help me.
I don't want to take an anti-depressant, I know that's what they would do.
They would put me on another med to alter my moods and I don't want that.
What i want is my life back.
Hell, I just want a life that sorta resembles what I had 8+ years ago.
I want to be happy, to go out with friends, to be able to play and have fun, live.
I just want to be ok.

It's official, I have a cold.
I knew I was coming down with something yesterday after sneezing for like 20 minutes straight.
I have spent the whole day today laying on the couch and wrapped up in blankets and just resting.
I came out and laid on the couch before the teens left for school, and Sebastian covered me up in his big comforter, fluffed his pillows behind my head, and gave me his baby blanket and his Sully to sleep with all day.
It looked as though I was sleeping with all kinds of baby bedding.
It was wicked comfy too.
It really did look and feel like I was swaddled up like a baby.
Kali and Shahiro kitties slept with me almost all day, they love it when I lay on the couch with all kinds of blankets.

I hate having a cold or whatever.
It sucks.
My body already aches so much from surgery, to get a cold on top of that is just plain miserable.
The teens are going to go to the store and get some more juice, yogurt, pudding, and jellos for me to eat while they are at school.
They also need to pick up some regular Tylenol for their use.
Sebastian has had some small headaches for the last few days, and we ran out, so they need to pick up some more.

My old duplex neighbor stopped by a little bit ago, to see how I was doing.
She had just come from her doctor's appointment and getting her scripts filled at the Walgreen's by my house, so she was close enough to stop by and see me.
She said she really misses me, to call her if I need anything at all like giving the teens a ride to the store, or whatever I need.
She said I looked like crap.
It's not an insult, I really do look like crap today.
My skin is pale and clammy, my hair is a mess, I have huge bags and dark circles under my eyes, just miserable looking and feeling.

I hate how screwed up my immune system is, I catch everything, and flu season is coming yet I can't have a flu shot because it could make me sick because of my low immune system.
I'll probably catch it this year.
That will suck big time.

When the teens go food shopping today, I've added to the list, some more acne treatment for them, and a big bottle of cherry Nyquil for me.
I really think I'm starting to come down with a cold.
I have been sneezing all night, I'm stuffed up, and more achy than usual.
It sucks.
Sneezing is as bad as vomiting when your neck is like this.
Every sneeze makes my neck jerk, even in the brace, the jerk sends waves of pain down my entire spine.
I should know that's how it's going to be, I have those rods the entire lentgh of my spine, head to tail bone, every movement effects the entire rod/spine contraption.

I am handling this whole thing really pretty well, I deal with it alright for the most part, but man, when I'm stomach sick or having a sneezing fit like I did this morning, I don't deal with it ok.
I hate that this is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life now.
Every movement is a full body movement, it's not easy at all.

I have all these papers and things I need to fill out, stuff for my medical disability, a hospital 'how did we do' letter, and some other things.
Because my head is at a downward 20degree angle, it's very hard for me to sit and fill these out comfortably.
I can't do it at my desk, I can't do it at my coffee table, kitchen table, or at the counter on the bar stools.
But I have to get these done.

Where is the absolute best place to sit and do them that is the right height and easiest way for me to see and write?
Go ahead, guess.
You got it?
You'd be right if you said the toilet seat.
I throw the lid down, grab a hard book, and start filling out forms.
It is truly the most comfortable way for me to not be in pain while filling all of these out.

Of course I have to keep moving every time one of the teens has to pee and they laugh at me, but that's ok, this stuff has to get done.

I'm finally starting to get my bearings around here after a month out from the surgery.
I'm slowly starting to do some cleaning and cooking, not much, I get tired and sore rather quickly, but I am at least making dinner every other day, to every 2 days, which the teens are quite happy about.
They've been eating a lot of take out, frozen nuke 'em foods, subs from Publix, lunch meat and tuna sandwiches etc etc.
They were getting quite tired of it, so I made my first meal the other night.
I made some shrimp and french fries, and only needed help getting the cookie sheet in and out of the oven, because I'm still not allowed to bend over, pick up, too much.

I think on Saturday, Chris, Mindy's husband, is coming over to finish the AC unit stuff.
He's going to remove the old rotted drywall from the old AC unit dripping water so much, and I think her son Jeff is coming to help, and install new drywall.
That's good, because as helpful as Mark is, he's never done drywall before and wouldn't really be much help at all.
We can paint later on.
My sis was planning on bringing some paints at some point, and painting the living room for me. She had some colors left over from when she painted her new house.
So things are getting on, I'm doing better slowly, and hopefully it will just keep getting easier and less painful to do stuff around here.
I hate not being able to do stuff.
I'm such an independent person, so to not do stuff is driving me crazy.
I hate "resting".

I need to get my butt in gear, I am leaving at 11am to go get my stitches out.
All the way to Safety Harbor.
Ugh.
Such a long, long drive.
Mindy is taking me, my sis is sick with some nasty cold thing and strep throat.
And both my boys are home from school sick too.
They both have stuffy heads, headaches, just feeling miserable.
I really hope that they don't have what she has, I can't even imagine having strep with my neck like this.
Yuck.

I've been so overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from the boobiethon donors.
It's been absolutely incredible, I am just so so greatful, thank you all so much!
I was surprised and greatful to just get the first $359, but it's now over $1,000.
Absolutely amazing and so needed.
I still don't have the ok to be working again, I'm hoping to get that today at my appointment, but if not, I know that I will be able to pay all of my bills thanks to all of the people who have donated to me in support of the boobiethon.
I can't wait to be able to volunteer again next year, it's such a good cause and it's something that I just love doing.

In some of my bored downtime, I have been playing on Twittermoms.
I started a new group, I was feeling "alone", so if you're on Twitter, and on Twittermoms, and an atheist, agnostic, or just not sure, come join my small group for Atheist Moms.
It's small but growing.

Ok, time to go get dressed so I can get these itchy stitches out.
Later days!

The teens, as I've said, have been doing all the household stuff, the cooking and cleaning, and the shopping.
I needed a few things from the store today, so off they went.
When they returned, Sebastian declared that he had broken his foot in several places.
I had him take off his shoe and I took a look at it.
I saw no redness, no swelling, no black and blue, but every time I touched his heel, he let out a yelp.
I took a closer look with a flashlight, and saw what may be a plantars wart, but may also just be a small cut that I can't really see, or something else, who really knows? I'm not a doctor.
He's always walking around barefoot, he goes outside to get the mail in bare feet, he took a walk through the backyard yesterday with no shoes, so it could be anything.
So I grabbed some Neosporin and a big band-aid, and patched him up.

A few hours later, I got an email from him.
He took it upon himself to look up what he thinks is wrong with his foot.
What does he think he has?
Plantar Fasciitis .
Yes, he thinks that's what's wrong with him.
He always thinks something is wrong with him, not to the point of being a hypochondriac, but every time he has the sniffles or a cough, he's sure that he's caught the Avian bird flu or something just as horrible.
He's funny like that.

Part of me thinks he's always worried that he has something because of me, because of my constant and ongoing health issues.
I think he's worried about illnesses because he only has one side of his families health history, his father's side.
My side is unknown because of me being adopted, and cancer runs on his father's side.
I think he may be panicky and worried that he's going to really get some sort of illness, so he's mentally preparing himself for it if and when it happens.
I don't press him about his worry about being sick, I know that when other health issues have come up, he gets all teary eyed and upset, talking about my health stuff really gets to him.
One of these days, I will sit down with him and try to work out why he's always worried about being sick with something, see if we can't get to the heart of the matter, but for now, I'm just not going to press him on it, he's already dealing with a lot of things. 

The nurse was here this morning, a different nurse than the ones who have been here before, and she didn't like the way that we've been changing out bandages.
She wanted to do it a different way, so she had me lay on the end of my bed, face down.
This was not good.
Within minutes, it felt like my throat was being squished, my vocal cords felt tight and compressed, and I literally couldn't breathe.
I had to roll over and she was like "what are you doing?!"
I told her that I've not laid on my stomach before, I don't sleep that way, and I've never laid on my stomach to have the bandages changed, and I couldn't breathe, it was hurting me quite badly.
She was "oh, I'm sorry."
I told her to note that in my chart, no face-down bandage changes ever again.
I was actually kind of scared at how quickly I couldn't breathe, at how much it hurt.
She finished up with me on my side, and she left.
She didn't know anything about why she was changing my bandages, like she didn't read my chart.
It says why they are doing this in my chart, I shouldn't have to explain the whole 2006 spine fusion and the new fusion to the nurses when they get here, they should read my chart, know what's going on, and be prepared for what my back looks like before they get started.

After she left, Mark woke up and headed into the bathroom.
I was in the kitchen when he walked past me, and I had to do a double take.
He had his whole face covered in stuff, like one of my face masks.
I asked him what that was for, and he told me he's started putting on a face mask at night because it helps to clear up his acne .
I was like, oookaaay, and I giggled a wee little bit, and he told me not to laugh, he said it really works, his face always looks really good in the morning when he does it.
Old zits are dried up, and no new zits have formed over night.

Hey, whatever works right?

I took a shower just now, I really needed to get in there and get myself clean after sweating so much over the last 2 days.
After I got myself all clean, as much as I can anyway without getting the stitches wet, I decided to make an attempt at shaving off the monster leg hairs.
I was already seated on my old lady shower chair, I lathered up my right leg with shaving cream, and tried to start shaving at the ankle and work my way up like normal.
I couldn't do it.
I tried again.
Nope, absolutely no flexibility to bend and reach that low on my leg.

This surgery, this spine fusion, because it's connected to the titanium rods that I had placed in there in 2006 at the shoulder level, seems to make me unable to reach below mid calf level.
I cannot go any further.
Before this neck fusion, I had a small bit of trouble shaving my legs and putting shoes on, tying laces and stuff like that, but I could do it, it just took a little longer.
But now I can't bend over far enough to reach below my calves.
I wasn't expecting that.
I knew I wouldn't be able to turn my head much anymore, looking left and right would be gone, looking up at the sky, but not being able to fully bend over and reach my ankles?
Nope, I didn't expect it.

But my legs were in dire need of shaving, so I wrapped one of my towels around my body and called Sebastian to come in.
I showed him what to do on a part of my leg I could reach, and then handed him the razor and told him to go for it, be gentle, but shave away.
He did a really good job and he didn't mind helping me.
He said he was sorry that I couldn't do this anymore, that he felt bad that I can't do some stuff anymore.
Then he got a bit quiet so I asked him what he was thinking.
He said that he knows this sucks for me not being able to do stuff anymore, but how glad he is that I'm alive, that knowing that without this surgery I would have died, so not being able to do stuff isn't really that important, but he understands how it makes me feel.
He said it's kind of selfish of him to be so happy that I'm still here when he knows how sad it makes me that I can't do things anymore, and he's sorry about that.

Yes it does bother me that I've lost a lot of mobility, that there are things I can't do anymore, things I don't even know I can't do anymore, but it's ok, I'm dealing with it.
I'm sure I'll have some mini-meltdowns as I discover more things I can't do, but I have my little fit, I cry, I yell, and then I get over it.
Being pissed about it won't change it, nothing will change it, so all I can do is take note of the things I can't do, have myself a good cry, and then keep on going.
It's just the way it's going to be from here on out.
Get knocked down, get back up, keep on going.

Mindy and Chris came back, Chris installed the new ac unit's frame, then he and Mark put the ac unit in and turned it on.
In less than an hour, the house is cold!
I thought for sure it would take a few hours to cool down, but nope, the new ac is blasting the cold and wonderfully chilly air!
Yay!

Now we're going to give it a week and see how it does.
We're going to see if it leaks, see if it can keep up with the temps, and then Chris will come back over next Saturday and take down the old rotted drywall from 2 ac units leaking, and put up the new drywall to make it look all nice.

I can't thank Mindy and Chris enough for doing this stuff.
My landlord is a sheriff, he works 6 days a week, so his one day off he spends with his family.
This house stuff is all stuff he can do, but he gets one day a week to spend with his kids so I try not to bother him about things.
And he appreciates that by allowing me to do these types of repairs myself, by taking the receipts as "rent" payments.
He deducts what I spend from my total rent.
It works for both of us.
He doesn't have to come do the work, gets to be with his family, and I don't have to fork over so much cash to him.
Yeah, I'm still spending the same amount, but the work gets done by me, or in this case, Chris, and everyone is happy.

Over the years I've done a lot of the home jobs that needed to be done here and just gave him the receipts.
I installed a new front door/screen door, I painted the walls, had the sink plumbing fixed, all kinds of home repairs, and he took it off the rent.
It has worked for us so well over the last 10 years that I've lived here now, so today's spending will be taken care of no problem, I know he'll be happy that he didn't have to come do this.
I think it would have driven him up the wall to have to have to do so much work only to have to tear it back out to put another new ac unit in.

Anyway, it's so nice and cool in here now, omg it's pure refrigerated bliss in here!
It hasn't been this cool in here in like 8 months, it's awesome!

Well, last weeks AC fixing didn't go quite as planned.
Mindy's husband Chris did all that work last weekend, installed an old ac unit they had that was working up until Thursday night.
That's when it stopped blowing cold air and started leaking water like a flood.

They came over today to see if they could get it working right, but it just didn't want to blow cold enough, and the leaking water all over my rug was an issue.
So Chris and my son Mark put our old ac unit back in the hole.
They turned it on and nothing happened.
Crap.
So we did what we had to do.

Mindy and Chris drove to Home Depot with my paypal card, and bought a new ac unit for my house.
$212.93.
I only had that money because of all of the donations that have been coming in because of the boobiethon, so I'm so so greatful that I had that money to buy the new ac thanks to everyone who has donated to me.
My landlord will take the receipt for it and knock that money off of the rent, just like he did with last weeks receipts for the drywall and other tools that they bought last weekend.
My landlord is cool like that, so he'll be knocking a total of $302.50 off of my rent for next month. (already paid October's rent)

Chris and Mark will take the old non-working ac unit out, and install the new one, and my house will be cool again.
I can hardly wait!
It is still pretty hot here in Sarasota Florida, and as I've bitched and moaned a few times now, the neck brace is like wearing a freaking turtleneck sweater.
It's hot.
Way hot.
So yay!
In just a few hours, I'll be cool again and it will be awesome.

I went and got my newest brace, and I'll talk about that in a minute.
But right now, I want to talk about the economic crisis that our country is dealing with.
Every Friday, Oprah's show is on live, and today she had a money expert whose name escapes me right now, Ally something, (bald guy, handsome, well dressed) and Suze Orman came on after his segment.
Both of these money experts told it like it is and to also not panic, to leave your money in the bank, it's going to be ok.
Suze Orman talked about ways to save money, what types of things to invest in like treasury bonds, and she named a very specific type of futures trading and the safest places to invest your money in so that when this crisis is over, you will be ok.

The whole reason all of us are in this situation, is because people who couldn't afford to buy a home, were told they could by banks who loaned them that money.
They spent more than they had, they tried to live beyond their means, they wanted the American dream, and sorry, not everyone can afford to live that dream.
I know I can't and probably never will.

I know that I'm feeling the crunch of this crisis when it comes to buying groceries.
The price of everything has been steadily on the rise for months now, and so buying food for 2 growing young men has been a huge challenge for me.
I don't want the teens to eat peanut butter and jelly and Ramen noodles until it's coming out of their ears, but I can't afford to feed them all the super expensive cuts of beef either.
Right now with me being unable to do any cooking, they are eating easy foods, microwave crap, lots of sliced deli meat sandwiches, stuff like that.
I have a feeling that things are going to get even harder for me and all of you as well.
It's going to get much much worse before it will start getting better.
This is a very difficult period of time we're all living in, and I'm trying so hard not to panic like both Ally and Suze said, but I can't help myself.
I already live at the bottom of the financial totem pole, I live well below the poverty level receiving SSDI and making a small amount through blogging every month.
I follow the income earnings guidelines set forth by SSDI but man, how I wish I wasn't disabled, how I wish I could work a real job again.
This whole crisis has me scared that things are going to get worse for me and all of us, this whole thing really sucks.

Anyway, Mindy took me down to the local Hanger office to get my new brace.
They ended up fitting me with a pediatric size 5 chin brace.
It fits the back part of my old brace, but the new front part is a pediatric size chin brace.
That should tell you how small my neck is. Ha!

It does fit better, it holds my head up nice and straight, but because of it's tiny size, my cheeks get squished up pretty bad.
I look like I'm making a kissy-fish-face all the time now.
I really hope my face doesn't "keep" that shape when the 3 months is over, that would really suck.
But it does it's job, what it's supposed to, so I'll deal with it.

My sister came over today with my niece Skye, and they brought us lunch from Boston Market.
Then she took Sebastian to Publix to get some more food and other items that they forgot when he and Mark went the other day.
I had her pick up the Glad Press n' Seal stuff  (yes, the plastic wrap for food, sticks to the skin and makes a water proof seal around wounds that need to stay dry) so that I can take a full shower and not get my sutures wet, and also some hair elastics so after she raked through the matted hair, she could braid it.
I didn't have any more of them in my basket because I always do the girls hair when they come over.

Then the hair hell began.
My sister has a considerable amount of patience and she tried so hard to not pull my hair and hurt me, but the hair was just so matted that no amount of gentleness could stop the pulling and pain.
Here's what ended up coming out, it's a lot of hair, it's all tangled and matted, there was absolutely no getting a brush, comb, or pick through it, so we did the only thing we could do.
We cut it out.

























































After we got all of the knots and matted clumps out, I wiped away my tears, and got a grip on myself, and she then braided my hair for me so that this won't happen again during the long recovery process.
At least once a week from now on, the hair will have to be unbraided, combed through with heavy conditioner, and then braided again.
 




















I look awful.
I had just spent nearly 2 hours getting my hair fixed, I cried a lot because it seriously hurt.
My eyes are all red, I have huge dark circles under my eyes, just ugly looking.
My hair had been in a ponytail since the 8th, had not been washed, conditioned, or brushed since that day.
It was a huge huge mess, and even after soaking it in de-frizz serum, Infusium, and half a bottle of conditioner all at the same time, that big huge matted section could not be combed or picked through, it was excruciating pain, every hair felt like it was being ripped out by the roots.
My scalp is raw, I'm surprised it's not bleeding from having all those hairs pulled on.
My sister tried to work through it, she really did, but I couldn't take the pain anymore and told her to just grab the scissors and just cut it out.
Hell, my surgeon's team had already shaved parts of my head, cut other areas, I knew I was going to lose some hair, so cutting it out was the only thing I could do for now.
Once I'm healed up a bit better, I'm going to have to go to a salon and get it all cut and evened out and stuff, and also get a pedicure.
 
My feet are a huge mess as well, but we can't just cut the toes off now can we?
It will be the usual embarrassment, the little Korean ladies will talk about my gnarly toenails and my rough heels in their native language, as they try to make my poor battered feet look more human-like and less disgusting looking.
The girl doing my feet will say something, and then the other ladies will find some kind of reason to come and walk by her station and take a glance at my feet, say something in Korean, and I know it's not nice stuff, it never is.
I may not understand the language, but disgusted and grossed out are a universal emotion that is easily recognized in facial expressions.
I have not been able to bend over and care for my feet on my own in just about 3 years now.
Having titanium rods running the full length of your spine makes taking care of your own feet damn near impossible to do.
I really wish I could find a mani/pedi place close to home and my local shopping places where at least one of the people speaks English so that when I explain why my feet are so bad, they'll understand me.
I try to explain it to the Korean girls, but they just don't understand words like spine fusion, titanium rods, no bending at all, impossible to take care of my own feet, sorry they look so bad but I tip really well for all of your troubles and good work making them look nice.


I really appreciate my sis helping me today.
My hair was an absolute disaster and every single night of sleeping and naps, just made it worse and worse.
I can only lay on my back, so the hair was just getting more and more matted.
I feel a lot better now, it's fixed, it feels better, it will be less hot, less of a pain in the ass, and way less embarrassing when the nurses and friends come over to see me.

Now I'm off to find something to eat and then lay down on the couch and watch tv for awhile I guess.
Later days.

The teens and I watched Street Kings tonight, a Keanu Reeves cop/action thriller, and it was really good.
It has a top notch cast, Reeves, Forrest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie, Chris Evans, Cedric the entertainer, Jay Mohr and John Corbett to name a few.

Quite a few people on the local forums said it was really good, my sister and her husband also said it was, so I Netflixed it and the teens and I watched it tonight.
I'm still not typing all that well, but my review is in the link posted.

Now I'm off to watch Pathology starring Milo Ventimiglia of Heroes, and check it out.
It got 3.5 stars out of 5 on both Amazon and Netflix, so it shouldn't be too bad.
I'll review it if I can when we're done watching it.
My typing still sucks and my brain is all muddled, so my reviews are not exactly great, but I know a good movie when I see one, same with the bad, and I'd never tell anyone to watch something that really sucks.

The ac unit is mostly done.
Mindy, her husband Chris, and her son Jeff, were here all day long fixing the ac unit.
Chris removed the old unit and holding stuff, then cut all new wood, installed that, and then put in the new ac unit.
The old hole in the wall was far too big for the ac, so all the wood was used to make it fit, to hold it in place better with no gaps.
He used some of that expanding caulk to help keep it all insulated and stuff, and then next weekend, he's going to come over and repair the drywall where the ac unit is.
It has to be taken out, it's rotted from all the times the ac leaked water and it ran down the walls.
I paid for all the supplies and he's doing the installation.
My landlord will let me take the work off the rent, it totally saves him from having to do it, he'll be happy that it got done.

Mark helped out too, he knocked down a ton of hornets nests and also helped put the ac unit in while Chris was outside pulling it through to sit the way it's supposed to.
Sebastian couldn't help much with that, he's allergic to hornet's stings, and Mark did get stung 3 times, so yeah, it's a good thing Sebastian didn't try to help.
But he did go to the store and get some stuff we needed.
It's going to take a few hours for the house to cool down, there was no ac on all day and a huge gaping hole in the wall all day long so it will probably get cool in here by midnight. LOL

I'm so tired now so it's also a good thing my sis had something come up for tonight, I am in no mood to have more to do tonight.
She's going to come tomorrow and help me with my hair, maybe do some lunch or dinner depending on what time she comes over.

I have a couple of movies that I can watch tonight from the lazy comfort of my couch.
I have Street Kings and Pathology, it's a reason to be lazy and not do anymore than I already have today.
Oh yeah, Chris also hooked up the HDTV antenna for me.
It's pulling a few channels, but my local ones still are not coming in like they should.
I'm hopeful that come February when the switch gets made, that all of those stations come in like they should.

Ok, off to find something to eat and watch a movie.
Later days.

I went in and sat on my old lady shower chair, and took a half assed shower.
I cannot get my sutures wet, so I can't wash my hair.
What am I saying?!
I can't wash my hair anyway, it's far too painful to even try to lift and hold my arms up to even try to wash my hair, plus, if I do manage to get it washed and conditioned, I can't brush out all the knots and stuff.
It would take me all damn night and I still wouldn't be able to do it, the teens can't do it, they'd hurt me, so fuck it, I will wait for either nurse Lisa to come back and help me like she said she would, or for my sister to have some time to help me.
But each day that passes that my hair isn't getting taken care of, it gets worse and worse.
I'm going to end up having to get it all cut off because of the mats.
That sucks.
Nurse Lisa said when she gets me on her schedule again, (right now I have Greg) she will schedule me for a min of 2 hours, and she'll help me shower, wash and condition my hair, and then she'll slowly comb it all out using a detangler, and then french braid it so it can't get all matted like this again.

After I showered, I put on clean undies, clean shorts, and my new Obama shirt.
Yup, I'm voting for Obama.
What's happened over the last few days really clinched it for me.
McCain suspending his campaign, wanting to postpone the debates, all over this money crisis is just bullshit in my opinion.
Never has the democratic process been put on hold because of some sort of crisis, never.
 The people deserve the debates, and we also deserve to see Palin interviewed by the media, more than just rah rah cheerleader Katie Couric whom I despise anyway.
Reporters allowed to photograph her only, not allowed to be there while she met the leaders of other countries, only to take her pic, not film those meetings, is crap.
And I do love how most of them were all oooh and ahhh over how "pretty" she is.
Look, she's running to be VP, not a beauty queen pageant winner.

Anyway, I thought I'd try and take a pic of one of the bolt holes in my head.
I took this myself, that's an accomplishment I tell ya.
I can't even frigging eat well but I did manage a picture...LOL

And yes, the sides of my head were shaved, hairs cut super short, in order to bolt me to the table.
Believe me, I know how absolutely ridiculous the hair on the sides looks right now.
Man, if you could see the rest of my hair, you'd be all WTF?
It's awful.

I gave myself a scare last night.
See, I have bolt wounds on the side of my head from where I was bolted to the table during surgery, (I promise I will explain how it all went soon) and the nurse had cleaned them really good yesterday and put some Staphaseptic on them.
Well last night I reached up to the left side of my head to rub my temples, they sorta ache a bit, and this chunky thing came off in my fingers.
It was sort of like a scab but yellow-ish in color, and had some small hairs attached to it.
I didn't scratch it, I just rubbed my temples, and to have this thing fall off, it was really gross.
Then it started bleeding and it wouldn't stop, so I had Sebastian do his best to put a band-aid on it.
The nurse came today and took the band-aid off, cleaned it, and said it looked good, but man, it was super scary having it bleed like that.

I had ordered the new HDTV antenna that I need to be able to watch tv with the converter box, and it came today.
It's much much bigger than I thought it was, it really needs to be mounted outside, but I tried to hook it up today anyway.
Bad idea.
It's too heavy, I couldn't get it to work, it probably does need to be mounted outside on the wood shutters, and so yeah, by the time I gave up on it and put it back in the box, I had really over done it and now I'm paying for it.
 But there is a good thing about doing that, something pulled in my neck and now my head is staying up much better, straighter I think. hahahaha
Maybe I pulled the muscles where they need to go?
Don't know.
The pain is subsiding a bit now and I need to eat something.

Oh, speaking of eating, I sent the boys grocery shopping with a list and everything today.
They came back with a ton of wrong items, items not on the list, and a whole bunch of items that were on the list, didn't get bought at all.
They tried I suppose, this is a lot of pressure on them, I know that, so I really can't complain too too much that they screw things up a little bit.

Was talking with Shell about the teens going up to Maine for the summer to work at Funtown.
Season is the opposite here, and Funtown cannot get teens to work there anymore, so Shell was thinking about me sending the boys up there, they could stay with her during the week because she literally lives right down the street, and then stay with my folks on the weekends, and also visit with Great Gram and Aunty Heather the whole summer, and they'd be making money etc.
It's a cool idea because they'd get to visit with all the grandparents the entire summer, make paychecks, and have fun working at an amusement park.

Funtown has not changed at all in all of these years.
I went to their site and looked at the attractions, and they still have all of the same rides and stuff they had when I was a kid.
They have added some new stuff, but all of the old and fun rides I rode as a kid are still there.

One of the coolest ones that is still there and has been since 1976, is the Astrosphere.
This is just a Scrambler ride, but it's inside a dome that displays weird and semi-scary images on the dome, has a laser light show, and has played the exact same song since 1976, "Fire on High" by ELO. (Electric Light Orchestra)
This ride is famous, everyone in all of New England knows this ride, people wait in line for hours to get on and ride it, and it is so cool to me that it is still there.
Check out this video that someone made of it and put up on youtube.


 

I'm still chugging along trying to get through this first week at home, I have to keep telling myself to just relax, that the first week is always so so  hard, that it really is the worst, so I don't try and over do things.
A lot of just laying down and sleeping.

Mindy was here almost all day long, she did a really great job cleaning my house, it looks wicked nice and clean in here, the teens better keep it this way. LOL
Then she went home and came back with some big huge pans of food.
Her husband Chris made dinner for us, some chicken alfredo, bread sticks, and salad.
It was all so yummy.
He used to work at the Olive Garden, it's their alfredo recipe, so yeah, it's super yummy.
When Chris was here this morning, he took a look at my AC unit, and he's going to come back and fix it for me next weekend.
Box it in to the right size for the AC, clean it up, get it working right again.
It's simply not blowing as cold as it used to, it's not sitting in the housing correctly, and the leaking is because of all of those things plus all box units leak when it gets super humid.
So it will be wicked nice to have it fixed and cool in the house again.

I have a ton of emails and comments in my inbox that I just don't know when I'll be able to get to, if I'll be able to get to them at all, but I wanted you to all know that I have read them and appreciate all of the support and words of encouragement, it's really appreciated.

I did spend the majority of the day laying down and resting, I even slept for awhile, and that is my plan of attack.
My face is still wicked swollen up which makes me feel weird and stuff.
I know the swelling will go down, it's just a matter of time.
For now though, I feel like I either got beat with a baseball bat, or I am a balloon.
People keep telling me it doesn't look so bad, but I've seen my face in the mirror, I know what it looks like.
Doc said it will be ok, it will heal up, but for awhile it's gonna look like total crap.

Ok, time to get back to my couch, watch a little Law and Order repeats and stuff.
Later days. 

Well there it is, my new scar line.
It's pretty big and badass looking, it goes all the way up into my hair line which you can see to the far left of it all.

My skin heals incredibly fast as you can't even see the remnants of my scar from my AP spine fusion from February 2006 any more.
It's not visible at all on my back, so I know that this scar line will heal up just as nicely as that one did.
I have one minor complaint, but as I've been reminded, I'm alive, that's more important.

The details of the fusion now go like this; I am permanently fused from C1-S1, that is the full length of the spine, there is no space at all, top to bottom, what the fuck else can go wrong with my spine?
Not fucking much I would think.
I'm like the terminator in there now, all fucking titanium but absolutely no power.

Weak, human, powerless to do anything about anything.
While I have my small moments of self pity, tears, feeling all shitty for myself, I was reminded that I'm a mother and that I'm alive, I'm here and I need to stop feeling all shitty for myself.
Indeed.
Mother is the word for god in the hearts and on the lips of children.
I need to remember to do my crying in private, it's still all too much for them to handle.

Hey all, I am finally back home, it was a long, completely fucked up hospital experience.
I will get to blogging about it all but not just yet.
Sitting here to read emails, to type, is not an easy task just yet, my head is being held by a neck brace in an awkward position, so thank goodness for spell check..LoLz

This whole thing was very physically hard on me, terrifying for my sons, and frustrating to be told I could go home tomorrow over and over, yet it never happened every single day, until today that is.
I finally had a massive blow out, started screaming, yelling, cursing and being a bitch about the care I was receiving and sit, and well, they don't really like it when atheists start swearing  in a catholic hospital. hahahaha

Anyway, I'll explain the whole trip, all the things that went wrong and everything else over a few days at a time.
I really can't handle sitting for long periods just yet.
But it's so so so good to be home, thank you all for the well wishes and good thoughts, they are all so very much appreciated.
Be back again tomorrow morning maybe.
Later days!

Susan got a baby doll for her birthday that pees, has diapers, all kinds of stuff, from my sister, her mom, and one of my sister's friends got her a baby stroller that is real, it looks like one of the more expensive baby strollers you'd buy for a real baby.
Well it is for a real baby, but you know what I mean.
Susan loves that baby an the stroller. Every day, she wants to take the baby for a walk, and my sister obliges her and takes them, both Susan and Skye, and their babies, for a walk around the neighborhood.








They have so much fun walking their babies, Skye has a baby and a play stroller, not a real one like Susan's, which has caused a few minor squabbles, but they get over it and play nice most of the time.
And Susan also loves to put band-aids over all of the babies with her "doctor kit" I got her for her birthday.
But when I saw her stroller, I was jealous, it was nicer than the ones I had for my kids.

Tomorrow, er, today, I have my pre-surgery consult with Doctor M.
He's going to tell me exactly what he and his team will do during the surgery, how long I'll be asleep, breathing tube, ICU, how many days to expect, (I'm holding him to 4!) what kind of pain to expect, what they'll have me do upon waking, physical therapy, etc, all of the nitty gritty details.

I have my own questions too.
Can I bring and wear my own clothes on like day 2 or something, will I be able to put my contacts back in, (I don't have a pair of glasses to wear) is this going to cause me to start a surprise menstrual cycle like the last surgery did, and if so, can I bring my own gear this time, or are they just going to make me lay there on a "pee pad" like last time.

Will they be shaving off any of my hair from the back of my head?
I know they are going to have to shave a portion of my neck, I have really long hair, I know it comes down far on my neck, so when they shave that, will they have to go any higher?
And if so, please don't fuck it up and make it incredibly noticeable to people.
My hair has been falling out anyway, but I really don't want to lose a lot if they can help it any.

I don't know if I posted about my hair situation or not, but this whole neck thing has been the cause of a lot of my health problems over the last year, year and a half.
With the spinal cord being pinched off, it can't send the right messages from my brain to all of my organs.
The messages are being pinched off, not sent, or sent incorrectly to all of my organs.
All of my stomach and digestive issues, being sick for no real reason, (I don't really go anywhere to catch any germs or viruses) my skin smelling really, horribly bad after eating certain foods, stomach pain, cramps, constipation, or the complete opposite, having days where regardless how many showers I took, how much deodorant I put on, I would have body odor, and my hair falling out.

Everyone loses hair on a daily basis, but this isn't normal hair loss, this is clumps of hair coming out in the shower, coming out when I brush it, coming out when the wind blows.
I don't have any noticeable bald spots, yet, but it's definitely thinned out.
It's nowhere near as thick as it once was, and it's not due to getting old, this is directly related to my neck stuff.
It's been rather sucky.

Sebastian broke down last night.
He just exploded in this 15 year old ball of fear, worry, and anger over this whole thing, crying, screaming, hugging me so tightly I thought he'd break my ribs.
He said if doc screws up and I die, he's going to beat him up really bad right there in the hallway at the hospital.
Mark said Sebastian won't get the chance, because he'll kill him.
To say the teens are starting to panic and be really afraid now, is an understatement.
They keep saying little things, '1 week from today' or 'I hope this week goes by really slow, it may be the last week I ever see you', or 'on Saturday or Sunday night, I'm sleeping with you, I want to be near you as much as possible.'
They even came out tonight and watched the season premiere of Gossip Girl, a show they hate, just to "hang out" with me.

I keep trying to reassure them that it's all going to be ok, that I WILL be coming home, that I'm going to be fine, and Sebastian wanted me to promise him that, but I can't.
I can't make that kind of promise because I really don't know.
I just kept telling him that I will be coming home, that it will be ok, without saying the word promise.

I have so much to do this week, work, the house, helping them with school, still trying to keep this house running as normally as possible, but honestly, I can't focus on any of it for long.
I want to though, I have things that I need to get done, but my mind starts wandering, racing, then my heart starts racing and pounding, and then I get a massive migraine and have to go lay down.
I went to bed shortly after the boys did tonight, they went at 11:30, I went at 11:45, and I laid there checking to make sure their alarm would go off, that mine would go off again at 8am so I can get up and try and do some work before I have to leave at noon-ish, but I started panicking about it all, so I got up and set Snoozester to call me at 8am just in case my cell alarm doesn't go off.
And now here I am, sitting here blogging, awake again, just thinking about it all.

I know things will be ok, but now with such short time left to go, I just want to go do it, get it over with, enough of the testing and appointments, and talks, let's just do it!
I just want it done so I can come back home like I said, that's all I want.

Don't forget to say "Rabbit rabbit White rabbit" upon waking up this morning, and on the morning of the first day of the month every month.
It's an old superstition, and I really don't believe in superstitions, but I do it for fun.
Seeing as how I don't know exactly what time I'll be waking up tomorrow, er, today, I figured I'd just post it now.

Who knows, maybe it really is good luck, and I could sure use some good luck this month.
I'm having surgery exactly 1 week from today, I could use to make some big time money this week before I go which means I need to get back to work pronto, no more lazy bones-feeling like not doing anything, and hey, maybe I'll win some money or maybe a Caribbean cruises vacation or something for the teens and I to go on after I'm recovered.

A vacation is sorely needed I tell ya.
I'm tired, stressed out, worried about money and bills, and the teens at school.
I really don't want this surgery to affect them like the last time, I don't want them to miss any days for any reason.
I do want them to come see me, but not until after school each day, come at night only.
That way my sister doesn't miss any time at work either, she really can't afford to take time off, so if she goes to work, and they go to school, then come visit me after, everyone will be doing what they need to do, and I'll be getting rest and doing my physical therapy/up walking the halls and all that stuff so I can come home on schedule.

It's late and once again I'm wide awake, so I think I'm going to go dive into my work, get as much done as I can.

If I do get told after surgery that I can't sit on my computer and blog, surf etc, for long periods of time, I know what I'll be doing.
A wonderful book publishing company has been sending me a ton of books that look really good and interesting to read.
I'll be able to lay in bed or on the couch, and read all of them.
They sent, just this week, 7 new books, all of them really do look great.
I know they send them to me to read and review and then post about, and even though I am a very quick reader, there's no way I can read that many books in a week.
It's only Wednesday, and they sent me 7 new books.
The same employee at this publisher is the one who sends them all to me, I told her what genre I prefer to read, but I'll read pretty much anything except for romance novels, I really don't like romance stories at all.
But I love this girl who works there, she's really awesome at her job, outstanding customer service, because when I emailed her the list of authors I like, the genres I prefer, she either made a note or a mental note, because she's been sending all of the types I really like.
So thank you, I will be starting to read them all pretty soon!

Now for the funny story about my black wardrobe I said I would share.
Yesterday evening after dinner, I forgot that I needed to go to Walgreen's to pick up another script that they had to order, but it was ready now, so Sebastian and I headed out to go get it and a few other things I needed to pick up like some more shampoo for the boys, and a couple new box fans because we had two of them burn out in the same week.
So anyway, we stop at the corner store for some drinks to have on our walk because it's incredibly hot out.
The owner Sam is there and he has a few friends of his hanging out behind the counter with him.
As I'm paying for our drinks, one of the guys starts talking to me.
He asks me why I always wear black, do I have any clothes that aren't black, and if I do, how come I never wear them.
He says he's always seeing me walking all over the place several times a week, and was curious.
I tell him it's just the color I prefer, I do own other colored clothing, but I rarely wear them.
I just don't like other colors, call it a phobia or whatever, but don't call me goth or emo, it's just the color I prefer.
Then he asks me if I'm hot all the time because of the black clothes, they attract heat ya know, he says.
I tell him that while it's generally true that black does make most people hotter because black absorbs more light energy than say white, and light energy does equal heat, not all people are effected by that general rule of science.
Before my blood pressure started being so high all of the time, I could sit outside all summer long dressed in a black shirt and not sweat a drop, but now?
Oh man, like right now, I am sitting in my house, the AC is on on 68, I have a fan aimed right at my face, and I'm sitting here in nothing but a t-shirt and light fabric shorts, and sweating to death.
I didn't tell him all of that, but then I did tell him that black isn't even really a color, it's the absence of color.
The guys just looks at me and says what?
"I said, black is not a color, it's the absence of color. Black is the total absence of light, therefore, it is the absence of color. The colors of light are red, green, and blue (known as RGB), black has no light at all, so it is the absence of color.
He sat there totally dumbfounded.
I asked if he has access to the net, he said yes, so I told him to go look it up when he got home, just go to google and type in "black is the absence of color", and he'll be able to read it for himself.
The additive color theory says that when all of the colors of light are added up, the end color is white.
The subtractive color theory says that on a molecular level, when using actual pigments to color a tangible object with, like crayons or paint, when you add all of the colors of light, red, green, and blue, when combined the end color is black.
But in the natural world, black is not a color, and not all people are effected by black attracting light energy, and in some rare cases, some people actually get colder when wearing black because their skin reacts to light energy differently than the majority of people.

Sam the owner starts laughing and says I told you she was too smart for you!
I said we had to get going, things to do, we were walking there and I needed to pick up some things and head back home before it gets dark, the light will be leaving and we'll be left with the absence of it, and I winked at the guy who had asked, and then we left.
As the door was closing, I hear the guy say to Sam, "I think her intelligence just increased her hotness factor by another 50 points. She'll never go out with me man!"

As Sebastian and I are waiting at the corner for the walk light to let us cross, he says to me,
"Guys are always checking you out, they like your hair, your eyes, your pretty face and your butt. But that is the very first time I've ever heard a guy say that they think you're hotter now that they know you're smart.Would you date him?"
I said I don't know, I don't even know him. He might be a really nice guy, but I don't even know his name. He may have seen me walking all over the place, but today is the very first time I've ever seen him, so how would I possibly know if I'd go out with him?

Sebastian thought about this the whole time we crossed the 4 lane road, and when we got to the other side he says, "Well not only does he think you're pretty, but he now finds you even more attractive because you're smart. Most guys don't like super smart girls, so when you find one that does and he wants to date you, you should grab onto him because the chances of finding another guy who likes you for being smart are pretty slim mom. If he does work up the courage to ask you out, you should definitely say yes, plus he seems like a nice guy."

I dropped it right there, I didn't feel like explaining for the millionth time that I'm just not interested in dating anyone.
I like being by myself because the majority of people annoy me.

Holy hell, 6:45am came far too fucking early this morning.
I went to bed around 1am, but didn't fall asleep until like oh, 3:30am.
Yeah, that makes for a very short night of sleep, just like I knew was going to happen to me.
I knew it at like 10am yesterday, even said so in an email to someone.
"I'll be up all night in like full blown panic attack mode."
I woke up Mark at the usual school time of 5:45am, and told him that right before they walk out the door, they need to come in and wake me up.
I knew I was only going to get about an hour more sleep, but I needed it big time.
When they woke me up, I'm pretty sure I started crying.

I have a busy morning today.
I need to get my butt in gear, take a shower, shave everywhere, and head to my pre-surgery physical at 10am.
Then, as quickly as I can possibly get out of her office, I need to rush over to see my pain doc
before he goes out of town again.
He' gone out of town twice in the last 2 weeks, I know doctors do that kind of stuff, but geez, it makes it very difficult to get in to see him when he's out all of the time.

Flickr isn't working with my blogs very well anymore, don't know why, I can't even get it set up right with this particular blog, so I'm going to try using Twitpic while in the hospital to post photos.
I tested it last night, it's not showing any of the text notes I send with the pics, but at least the pics are showing up about 6 or so minutes after I send them in.
If you want to see whatever pics I send in during that week, you'll be able to follow me here,
http://twitpic.com/photos/mskat

Well I suppose I need to get my ass in gear and get going on everything.
Later days.

The second teenager starts breaking out.
So now I'm back looking at the best acne website to find a good treatment for his skin, because what works for Mark, is not working for Sebastian.
Different kids, different skin.
At least Sebastian's isn't that bad yet, I have some time to try and find one product that will work the best for his face.
I'm going to order a bunch of sample sizes in various products if I can, and test each one for about a week until we find one that really works for him.

Sebastian was incredibly funny tonight too, he made me take a picture of his armpit hair, told me I could post it.
He's all proud of himself for finally growing a few pit hairs.
Pit hair and acne, ahh, the joys of teenage boys.

One of the things I've been thinking about since getting the news about my surgery, is that I will probably never be able to go take any more mini Orlando vacations to the theme parks for roller coaster fun again.
I've been waiting for a little over 2 years to be able to get the all clear to go ride coasters again, and now this.
This sucks.
I have never been on some of the newer coasters at any of the Florida parks since like 2004, and I really miss it.
We used to go to the theme parks like 20 times a year, and now I may never get to go again because of all of this crap.
I'm really bummed about it ya know.
It just sucks.
I'm not done being mad about this by a long shot.
I'm really angry about it, it's not fair.
16 days and counting, and the more time that passes, the angrier I get.

Because of the storm and my neighbors moving out, the trash will have to go out on Tuesday night instead of tonight, and I'll have to go find my box cutter so I can go cut up all the cardboard boxes they didn't use to move with because the city won't take them at the size they are right now.
They left a ton of crap behind, you can see it in the first link I posted, and we'll be taking care of it so the landlord doesn't have to come take care of it all.

I just can't believe they won't be coming back to take care of it on their own.
It's really not fair to have dumped it all on my trash cans and just leave all that crap behind.
But they are gone now, and I guess that's a good thing.

What was a category 1 hurricane, has been downgraded into a tropical storm again.
It'll be about 45-50mph winds, some rain, nothing major.
But all the Sarasota schools are closed, there's no garbage pick-up tomorrow, and all county government offices will be closed as well.

The kids first day back to school was today, and now they get a day off already.
I understand the whole better safe than sorry thing, but they canceled school at 2pm today, made the automated phone calls to parents, and they could have, should have, waited until later tonight to make the call on closing school.

Things are fine here, we have plenty of food and water should the power go out, I did all y hurricane shopping on Saturday, and we have plenty of candles, a big flashlight, a 24 our glo-stick for emergencies, plenty of stuff, but I doubt it will get that bad.

So I took my awesome comfy sandals to the little Korean lady to fix, and just as I suspected, she refused to fix them.
"No fix, need new shoe! No fix!"
So while I was at Walgreen's getting Susan her birthday first aid kit, (she's going to love this thing!) and we needed a new one for our house too, I found their flip flop aisle and tried on a few pairs.
I found a cheap and comfy pair that will have to do until I can find another pair of those awesome Dr. Scholl's that my freaking cats chewed up.
Then Sebastian and I headed into Publix to get all of the stuff we needed, and then headed back home by cab because we bought more than we could carry.

We waited for the cab for over 40 minutes.
Sam had told me 10-15 minutes on my initial call, so after 25 minutes, I called back.
He said the driver would be there in 2 minutes.
I waited 10 and called back.
By this point Sam was furious that the driver he sent for me kept picking up flags instead of getting the calls, he was yelling into the radio, screaming at the guy in English and Arabic, and when the cab finally showed up, I was sweating bullets.
My blood pressure was up from the heat, I was minutes away from passing out.
When we got to my house, I went to pay him, and he said, "No, this trip is on me, it's my fault you waited for 40 minutes. Sam won't let me take your money, he said that it's on me."

Hahahaha!
Dumbass.
If he had just gone after the call like he was supposed to instead of picking up flags, Sam would have let him take my money.

The teens and I need to head out today and do some shopping at Publix, get some stuff for the house that we need, and I also need to drop my sandals off at the little shoe repair store that's at the same plaza.

I know the lady is going to look at me like I'm crazy, the sandals are pretty beat up aside from the straps having been taken off by the cats.
They chewed through the strings that are sewn on, and the straps fell off.
But these sandals are massively comfortable, I love them, they are perfectly broken in, and considering that next month it will be even harder to put on normal shoes like sneakers, I need really comfortable sandals.
I just want the straps sewn back on nice and tight, and the little Korean lady is going to tell me that I need "new shoe. need new shoe, not fix, new shoe."
But sorry dear, I cannot find these anymore anywhere, I've looked at the store I bought them at, I've looked at other stores, no getting new shoe, fix old shoe, take money from me.
Hahah!

I wish I had woken up earlier to get started on all of this, but oh well, I didn't.
I'm going to take a quick shower as soon as Mark is done, and then we'll get ready to go.

Ever feel like you're the injured person in the accident, and after getting slammed into by that 18-wheeler, you can't decide if you need a personal injury attorney or a truck accident lawyer?
That's how I feel right now.
Everyone is stopping, slowing down to take a look, rubbernecking, holding up the rest of the traffic on the highway, and making everyone late to where ever it is they need to go.

I'm tired of answering the same questions about my surgery.
How long will you be gone?
Will you have help when you get home?
How bad is it going to be?
Will the teens be able to help you?

Answering the same questions all the time, makes me stop what I'm doing, and have to think about it, and I'm already tired of thinking about it.
I'm answering though because there are genuine people who care, my friends, family members, total strangers on my fave local forum where I play, where they only know me by my posts and my name, but even posting it in the private girls forum, people still talk, so I got a lot of private messages about it, had to reply to posts about it, and all that stuff.

I have a few weeks before I go, I don't know much information yet, I don't know how long I'll be there, I don't know if the insurance will let me have a home health aide, I don't know how bad it's going to be, any of that.
All I know is that it's a 6-hour surgery, and that he promises he can fix me.
That's it, that's all I know.
When I know more, I'll blog it.
But in the meantime until I learn more, I'm trying to live, I'm trying to deal with it all and accept it.
There's more to it than what I've posted, but every time I want to post it, I end up crying because of how big this whole thing is, of all the answers it gave me, and all the what-ifs that still hang in the air, and how much time I have to spend with my sons before I go in for it.
That's what's most important right now, being with them, and spending time with them.
I know it's not what other people want, people want more, they want answers, they want stuff I can't give them.
But it's all I have and it's what's most important.

Last night after getting home from Chuck E. Cheese for my niece Susan, my insomnia from the night before started to catch up to me.
I found myself sitting here in my chair dozing off several times.
I had been sitting here at like 6:15pm, and when I woke up, it was 8:30pm.
I was supposed to go in to the boy's room and fix the video card settings to show more detail on their games, and get some papers ready for today's medical phone calls.
But I was so tired, I laid down on the couch at like 10-10:30, and that was it, out and down for the count.

The teens slept over my sister's house, so at like 8:20 this morning, I hear this knocking on the door.
It was them, my alarm I had set for 8am never went off, so ooopsy.
They said they had just knocked that one time, so at least they hadn't been out there banging on the door for an hour.
Then as soon as I let them in, fixed the door caterpillar, I then laid back down on the couch and fell asleep again.
I hadn't slept for like 38 hours, so I was way tired, and just needed all that sleep to catch up.
Then when I woke up at 11am, I ran to the corner store for some soda, and then came back to get myself ready for the medical phone calls at 1pm.
I spent about 2 hours on the phone answering questions with the surgical intake nurse, she wasn't able to give me any information on how long I'd be in the hospital, but Doc Moreno or Cindy would be able to answer all of those questions for me later.

Then I tried to catch up some emails and gave up.
I'm not answering any questions for anybody about things that happened a long time ago.
It's over for me, so move on folks, the show's over.
A year ago when I laid out what I was doing, was the time for people to ask questions and get answers, and yanno, maybe even help me, but no one did, so I took care of it, it's done.
I am ok with being called a disgusting human being for not helping others now, it's fine with me, no one helped me when I needed it or asked for it. Call me selfish, call me mean or a moron, and yes, I do know who I emailed recently about something to do with work, so um, yeah, nice try hiding behind the name "anonymous".
Hello! I wasn't born yesterday people.
It's done, over, don't bother emailing me about it now.

I made the call to the lawyer to schedule a time to get the DNR and WILL verified, asked a quick question about something else, he said we can talk about that at the appointment, told me to bring the papers and stuff with me, so I will have all my medical stuff and my other stuff taken care of by next week, or answers at least.

Right now I'm making dinner, some yummy BBQ'd boneless/skinless chicken breast, and some broccoli with cheese, and then I have the dishes to finish up, and a load of laundry to start.
I don't think I have much on the agenda for tomorrow, haven't looked yet, and Google calendar hasn't emailed the daily summary for tomorrow yet, I should get that around midnight.

I know that I do have some work to catch up on.
Due to passing out cold last night, I didn't get all of my work finished, but I did get most of it done.
I only have about 5 or so left, so yeah, I got almost all of them done before going out yesterday.
It's ok with me, I am not late on anything, it's all actually not due until next week, so I'll get it all done by tomorrow, and then take on whatever else they need done.
Ok, time to go check the dinner, later days!

I was feeling really down last night when I posted that I might not go to Susan's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow afternoon, I was in a bad place, dealing with all kinds of stress and worry about bills and stuff.
And I haven't had a chance to go shopping for baby gifts for her present yet.
She's not a baby anymore, but she has to have child safe toys, know what I mean?
She's still at that age where you just don't give a little girl a toy with tons of tiny pieces.
I know what I'm giving her, but I'm going to give it to her on Friday night when we all go out to Chinese to celebrate both her and Mark's birthday.

She loves to play doctor, people doctor, animal doctor, couch doctor, she's always fixing things up, she loves bandages and band-aids and stuff, so I'm getting her a first aid kit.
My sister told me to get it for her, so don't look at me like I'm a crazy person. *laughs*
She really does love first aid kits, so I found a smallish one, it seems to be the perfect size for her, and I'll remove the fingernail clippers, the tweezers, any lotions or things like Neosporin and stuff like that, and that way she'll be safe.
She will absolutely love it, I know it's the perfect gift because she always wants to play doctor when she comes over, she's the reason I don't have any more band-aids in my first aid kit now. *laughs*

Anyway, I will not be missing her big special big girl birthday party, she's my little buddy, I have to go and celebrate with her, take some pictures of both her and Skye, so I can add some new pics to my digital keychain.
I love that thing!
It can hold 107 pictures, and I uploaded what I thought was a lot, but it was actually only 59, so yeah, I have plenty of room left to add new pics of my girls.

My neighbor, the lady who generally drives me crazy on a daily basis, the lady who has been calling me 3-4 times a day since they moved in a little over 4 years ago, the lady who said they are moving out in a few weeks, went shopping today for her husband and her son's birthdays, and back to school shopping, and bought the teens a ton of back to school supplies.
Pens, pencils, erasers a gazillion folders, a ton of wire bound notebooks, compasses, glue sticks, pretty much every single supply item they might possibly need including index cards, which I was told, if they end up not needing those, for me to just use them for writing my recipes on.

I was just sitting here looking at my list of things to do, when there was a knock on the door, when Sebastian opened it, in came my neighbor's niece, the woman we babysat for last night, carrying 3 large bags of school supplies.
I was shocked, I still am, and I went over to thank my neighbor lady, to tell her that she didn't have to do all of that, that I just had to wait a few days for my check, and then I was going to go shopping.
She said she felt guilty that they were moving out, that she wouldn't be around when I had my surgery, and that she knew I had a ton of things to take care of before my surgery, and so she wanted to take one of those burdens off of me because she felt so bad that she won't be here to help me during my recovery.
She said she's going to make sure I have her new phone number though, so that when I am in recovery, I can call her for anything, and if she can, she'll come over and help me.
I cannot get over how much stuff she bought.
There are literally 50 of those pocket folders, 50 wire bound notebooks, and a ton of stuff, just look at this pile of stuff.
It's every possible writing utensil they will need, colored pencils, highlighters, pencil sharpeners, roll-on white out things, eraser-mate pens, mini-staplers, stapler removers, scissors etc. etc.
Click for bigger.




She also said she's not finished, she wants to know what size shoes they wear, she wants to go buy them their new sneakers to go back to school too.
Shocked doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.
Seriously, if you knew all of the problems that she and I have had over the last few years with our kids getting into fights, her and I, the car parked sideways in the driveway, all kinds of incidents and disagreements between us, her doing all of this is so out of character for her.
It's truly out of character for her, it's usually her wanting stuff from me, me loaning her money so she could buy her son back to school items last year, me loaning her money to go grocery shopping, putting gas in her car, letting her son sleep over here on nights her husband gets drunk, my boys mowing their lawn or taking out their trash because her husband and son won't do it, it's never been her giving anything to us.
Maybe this is like re-payment for all of that stuff, maybe she finally realized how much taking instead of giving shes done over the years, and wanting to pay it back, I don't know.
I am greatful for all of it, it has taken a tremendous load of stress off of me because I was pretty panicked about how I was going to buy all of their supplies plus clothes and shoes, plus pay for all the upcoming doctors appointments and regular bills before I go in for my surgery.
My list of things to do and things I have to buy, is pretty freaking huge, so this is an amazing help, it's definitely helped me a lot, I just wasn't expecting it from her.

Maybe people can change, even those people you would never in a million years think they would, can change.
Heck, just the other day we got into a petty little tiff over the smell of gasoline getting into her house, she thought we ran our lawn mower and Mark put it away hot in the shed, but our mower is still busted so it wasn't us, the guy next door on her left side, was out there mowing his lawn and weed whacker, and he dumped some gas on the driveway.
She apologized when she realized it was him and not us, but it's things like that that have been going on practically since the day they moved in.
But whatever, it's a huge help, I'm really, truly greatful for it, it's helped take away one of the big things on my list.

On Sunday, my sis is taking the teens and her girls, and a few friends to one of those franchise kids play places for Susan's birthday party.
She asked me if I want to go.
I honestly don't know.
I would hate to miss her party, Susan is my little bud, but I'm not feeling well, I have a ton of stress and a ton of work to do.

I have a million things to do at home here, plus I have a bunch of actual work to do, and I really need that money.
In order to get all that money on payday, I need to have them all done by Monday morning.
I'm sure I can do it if I just start working and don't stop.
I really need that money, and I really want to be there for Susan.
I'm sure I'll go.
I'll make myself a deal, if I can get more than half my work done, I'll go, and then I'll have to do all the rest of them done by Monday morning.
I can do it if I don't get sick again.

I'm still not feeling great, I think it's the stress of everything, it's upsetting my stomach, making me not sleep, but making me excessively tired.
I have mega amounts of stress right now.
So much to do, things to take care of, plans to make, money to not make.
Ugh!
It's piling up on me, my mind can't stay focused, and I haven't been able to even keep myself feeling ok or not worried about stuff long enough to get my work done.
It will get it done, but I really need to get my head on straight first.
I honestly think I need to just sit down and have myself a long decent cry, to let all of this stress go as much as I can.

I need to go get in the shower, I have an appointment with Dr. Riegel today at 2pm, thank him, all that jazz, and tell him I can't pay him today.
I am totally broke until Wednesday.
Nothing I can do about it right now, I'll have to tell them I'll pay them on Wednesday, they can take the payment by phone or something.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I just have so so much on my mind, back to school, medical shit, all of it is picking away at my brain, and I'm tired and stressed out because of all of it.

I got the news today that I didn't want to hear, but I'm greatful for it.
How can I possibly be greatful to be having another major surgery?!
Because if I don't have it, I will die.

My vertebrae are closing in on the spinal cord in my neck, they are compressing it, and if I don't have have this surgery, not only is paralysis possible, but sudden death is a definite.
I will just stop breathing one day he said.
My jaw nearly hit the floor, but he said he can fix this, he can fix me, and he guarantees me that I will be fine.
The chances of anything at all going wrong, paralysis or death, are less than 1%.
He has done this surgery many, many times he said, and he's never lost a patient, and he's never had a patient become paralyzed.
As a matter of fact, he's never had either happen to any single patient in all the years he's been a surgeon, so I have complete trust in him that I will be ok.

The only thing I will lose is my ability to turn my head in either direction.
I can live with that.
I mean, if given the choice between turning your head or sudden death?
I think anyone would take never being able to turn their head again.

The teens are of course, scared, but I have complete trust in my surgeon and I know that everything will be ok.
Mindy and her husband have opened their home to the teens when I have it done, they will have a place to stay, people who will care for them like they are their own, and I will make all the necessary arrangements before I go.

Doc Moreno's nurse Cindy, will be calling me with all the info, what to expect, the date, all of that, it has to be done very soon.
This is a very serious situation, and it has nothing to do with my spine fusion.
This is all congenital.
These are all abnormalities that I was born with, no one ever knew they were there though.
Doc Riegel is actually the one who caught this, he is the one who spotted that something didn't look right in my neck MRIs, he's the one who insisted I see Doc Moreno right away, so when I see him on Friday, I owe him a huge thank you.
He actually saved my life.
If he had not seen this problem, I would have just stopped breathing one of these days, so I kind of owe him my life.

I'm ok, I've just accepted that this has to be done, there is no other choice but a full laminectomy of the vertebrae from C1-C6, I will be permanently fused after this, from the base of my skull to my tail bone.
Kind of amazing, I will be fused the full lentgh of my spine.

After Cindy calls, I'll know more. I'll know when this will be happening, I'll know how long I'll be gone, all of that, and I will keep everyone updated.
I know that I am in the best surgical hands possible, I know that everything will be ok, and when I know more, I'll share it with all of you.

Later days.

I'd really like to know what the point was of fighting for and trying to get, and "winning" a higher child support amount, if it's not going to be enforced?
I got the court papers today.
It said that starting immediately, meaning August 1st, 2008, the day he "gets paid" and makes a deposit to the child support, that the new amount of $77 per week was going to start.
It didn't.
I checked it today and he did make a payment alright, but it's an amount that he chooses to pay, not the court ordered amount of $77, it's $37.20.
I thought court orders were supposed to be enforced?

What do I have to do, pack up a few Briggs and Riley suitcases for myself and the teens, and actually go up there to speak to a judge?
Do I have to beg the judge to enforce his own order?!
This is ridiculous!
What was the point of all of that, the hearing delays, and the paperwork, and all the evidence that I had to supply, because he refused to turn his in, they refused to make him, nobody investigated, and they only have what they have because I sent it to them?!
This just makes me so mad.
Child support court and enforcement is a complete joke in this country.

No, that's not the first words out of my mouth today.
My first words words were yelling at people who started calling my phone at like 8 o'clock in the damn morning, and people kept freaking calling.
I want you all to know, I hadn't slept in 39 hours.
Yes, 39 hours.
I was awake from 9am on Wednesday until 3am today, Friday.
Heck, that might be more than 39 hours, but my math sucks and I'm still exhausted.

Mark has been really good about washing his face with the new acne product stuff I bought him, it's starting to clear up a bit.
Looking much better.

I'm just messed up today, my body hurts, I have a lot on my mind, stressed out about all kinds of things, and I'm sorry I yelled at you if you were one of the unfortunate people to call me and wake me up, but damn, it's summer vacation, NONE of us get up by 8am unless I have a doctor's appointment.
Most of the time, I sleep until 9am, unless I couldn't sleep which wakes me at 11am, and ya know what?
Just don't call here before 1pm, how's that?
That works for me.

The child support hearing lasted all of 10 minutes, 5 of which were spent on hold waiting for the magistrate to call the room to order, and putting me on speaker phone, swearing me in, and all that hoopla.

Present in the courtroom today was myself, the Maine DA, someone from children and family services who was there to verify that I was indeed the ex-Mrs. Cooper, social security number xxx-xx-xxxx, and to state the names and ages of my minor children that are in my full-time custody.
I named them, Mark and Sebastian Cooper, ages 15 and turning 17 in a few weeks.
Also present was my ex's lawyer, I think. I heard a low mumble "present your honor",  when the name Bob Montblahblahblah, was announced, and the judge who spoke his name so fast I didn't catch it, but it will be on the finalized child support modification paperwork which I will get in the mail within a few weeks.

Because my ex-husband did not appear in court or by phone, and did not turn in his paperwork at all, or not in enough time for the judge to look it over, (again, something was mumbled about interrogatories, we have the ex-wife's, do we have Mr. Cooper's? something was mumbled) the judge would not back-date the child support amount to January 1st 2008, the date the DA officially filed for the modification with the courts, because even though it's such a low amount,  Mr. Cooper has 3 other minor children who he is current on paying child support for, that paying that amount may cause him to fall behind on those child support payments.
Whatever.

So based on the income and asset information the DA does have on my ex, the child support was raised from $21 per week to $78 per week.
From $84 per month, to $312 per month.
It is a huge improvement, but really, after 15 years at $21 a week whenever he felt like working, whenever he felt like paying, it's still not a truly acceptable amount.
It will help a lot, it won't be so much of a struggle now to buy them all of the things they constantly need like the sneakers they grow out of every 3-4 months because they are growing like the giant redwoods, and the clothes they grow out of for the same reason, and all the school supplies they always need for class projects, and those odd items that the teachers require or your student does not get a credit that they need in order to graduate, and the gazillion other items that teenagers need to have all of the time.

The new child support order is to go into effect immediately, as in tomorrow's child support deposit which will be placed on that lovely Florida state child support card they made me get, *eyeroll* and the funds will be available on Tuesday by mid-day, if he actually follows the court order.
If the new amount is enforced every single week, the $312 a month will definitely help to pay for the things that Mark and Sebastian always need.
Mark is at 6foot 2inches now, Sebastian is at a solid 6feet, and they are not done growing yet.
Just over the very short summer vacation, they have both grown 2 shoe sizes, and each of them has grown another pant and shirt size, so yeah, the new amount will be a major help to provide all of the things they need.

That's all I've ever wanted, to get some help paying for the things that two growing young men always need.
I wasn't fighting for this modification as a way of getting back at my ex-husband, I simply wanted him to help pay for the things that HIS sons need.
I didn't make these babies on my own, they have a biological father that they never see and they don't want to because of the very last words he ever said to Mark.
And ya know what?
I don't blame my son for never wanting to speak with his bio-dad again.
Those words stung him so bad, it crushed him that day, and if anyone even brings up his last visit with his bio-dad, he becomes immediately enraged, and will get up and walk away to go and be by himself, to calm himself down.
He's tried over the years to email his bio-dad, to try and get past that day, and every time he messaged him on myspace or sent an email, he wasn't believed, his bio-dad always thought it was me.
No, it wasn't, and every single time he got turned away, it was just another knife in his heart.
There are so many scars there now that attempting to repair that broken relationship will be an impossible feat.
Both the boys have their bio-dad's myspace pages and ways to contact him, they have their own email accounts on their own computer, and are free to try and contact him whenever they want to, if they want to.
Neither one of them have tried in almost 3 years now.
They don't even look at those myspace pages, and we don't discuss him at all in this house unless they bring him up.
I let them say whatever they want, spill all of their feelings out, do what they have to do, and I just listen.
I gave up trying to help repair those relationships a long, long time ago.

I didn't mean for this to turn into one of "those kinds of posts", but when I see them hurting, when I hear them talk about that last visit, and how he cares about his other 4 kids more than them, it kills me inside.
I can't take their hurt away, I can't make it any better, nothing I say will ever erase the memories they have of him saying the things he did to them.
They knew nothing about the child support modification and hearing today, if and when the new support payments come in, I'll let them know that I did my best to get it increased, and we'll go start the school shopping after 2 full payments come in, which will be right in time for my SSDI to come in, and we'll be able to go get them new shoes, clothes, backpacks, and all the basics they will need, and then when we get the specialized lists, we'll use the next week's payment to get most or at least some of those specialized items. 

And then every 3 months, new sneakers, pants, and shirts.
I wish upon a star every single night that they stop growing soon.
I look like a midget standing between them, and I gained 3 full inches in height after my back surgery. *LOL*

Mark got a couple cards in the mail for his birthday, and just like he asked for, he got some money.
He decided that he didn't want me to cook dinner last night, he was going to order a bunch of wings from Wings n' Weenies, and he'd treat the family to dinner.

He ordered a half and half box, 50 wings, 25 hot and 25 bbq, and we all sat down and ate the very tasty wings while watching Rocky V.
Then after, we all went back to our chosen playthings to do.
Mark went back to the Xbox, Sebastian went back to his on line video game, and I went back to surfing the net, reading blogs, and playing on the local forums.

We all went to bed pretty late, that may have also contributed to this morning's barf-o-rama.
I woke up and just wasn't feeling right.
I was really hot, had that clammy feeling, but I blew it off.
The yucky feeling started to feel worse, so I went back to the couch to lay down.
Then it hit me like a freight train.
I got up off the couch as quickly as possible and ran to the bathroom.
I barely made it in there in time before the vomit started to rise up my throat.
I must have been in there puking for a good 10 minutes, and it was all bbq chicken wings.
I know it was the chicken because I did have some ice cream later in the night, but all that came out was bbq wings.

They were mighty tasty last night, but they don't taste so good coming back out.

Sebastian's friend Matthew called this morning, needed to talk to him about some video game they play on the computer.
All I heard was there's not enough laptop memory for him to play the game, but Sebastian talked to him, said to change some setting somewhere, do this, do that, it will work now, give it a try.

When the kids start talking about a specific video game and what to do, I am completely lost.
I'm lost anyway because my brain is still in a total fog.
But I guess whatever Sebastian told him to do worked because he hasn't called back.
Sebastian came out here and mumbled something to me, then he went back to bed.
I have absolutely no idea what the heck he said.

Just when I think I've finally found a product to treat Mark's acne problem, he gets another massive breakout.
I need to find him the best acne treatment available, but doesn't cost me an arm and a leg to pay for.
He has such a bad breakout today too, it's worse than I've ever seen his face.
Poor kid, but at least he's still on summer vacation and none of his friends will see his face.

I've had a long weekend of feeling like total crap.
I was sick from my meds all weekend long.
I ran out of one, couldn't call my doc because it was the weekend, and that made me have to use one of the other meds I take by itself.
It has a completely different effect when taken by itself.
The bad feelings are wearing off finally, so I should be back to normal by tomorrow.

The stress of it all, the stress of living and trying to keep my head above the financial waters, is starting to get to me big time.
I want to just hire a couple of moving trucks and pack up all of our stuff, stick it in storage, and just go away.
Just leave, go somewhere, go anywhere, I don't really care anymore.
I'm so tired, I just can't keep getting a little itty bit ahead, and then get hit with another unexpected bill or appliance replacement cost.
It's too much for me right now.

I have the stress and worry about whether or not I'll be having neck surgery, I have the child support court hearing coming up, I have all kinds of bills and expenses due in the next few months, and every little thing is catching up with me and overwhelming me right now.
Like right. this. minute., I feel like crying, just curling up in a ball and crying and screaming and kicking and shouting.
I just want it all to stop or at least slow down.
It's one thing after another these last few weeks.
Last week, the boys got in that fight and hurt each other, I have bills I'm trying to pay and I'm not getting enough work, the economy is getting worse and I think it's affecting the industry I'm in because work has slowed down a lot.
And I have the child support court hearing next week, and I'm just not feeling up to fighting for it right now.
Like today is just not a good day, the whole thing just has me way stressed out because I have other things going on that are occupying my mind right now, and to have to deal with that a few days before I find out if I have to have neck surgery, well, it's just upsetting me so so much.
Anyone understand that?!
I just have things that I have to deal with and am worried about, and I want what's right, what's fair, but I'm so emotional right now that I am afraid that I'll end up crying halfway through the hearing when his lawyer starts asking about my health.
It was one of the questions on the interrogatories, and I know his lawyer is going to try and make it seem like I am not a good mother because of my back surgery and stuff.
My health issues have not stopped me from being a good mom, I do a damn good job, and I pay for everything by myself, and I have the back-to-school expenses coming up really soon that I will be paying for myself again..
They go back to school on the 18th of August, and they need clothes and supplies, and so that's another big expense that I have to take care of.

And then tonight the lawn mower rip cord thingy breaks, so now I have to either repair that part OR I have to buy another lawn mower.
And Sebastian was outside playing and he slipped and twisted his knee, so he spent a few hours on the couch this evening with an ice pack on his leg crying that it hurt.
It's NOT broken, but he did twist it, it's painful, I know that because I've done that and it really hurts pretty damn bad.

But you see!?
It's just been one thing after another and it just keeps coming, and it all hit me tonight.
I'm just an emotional mess tonight so I'm sitting here blogging instead of crying and being all upset in front of the kids.
These blogs of mine are not a business, they are my therapy, they help me cope with everything in my life by letting me say all of the things that are on my mind, they help me deal with my life and all of the things that happen in it because I am stuck in my house and I have no one that I can talk to.
I have had a bad day and now that I've dumped it all here, maybe I can let some of it go.